For all the recent sob stories about the lack of sex and relationships in Japan, it’s good to know that the Land of the Rising Sun takes Valentine’s Day deathly serious. I mean, who wouldn’t want to melt into someone’s arms after being given one of the spectacular and very romantic gifts below?
All were found on the rather incredible Chocolate Stadium website, and incredibly enough, nearly all are now sold out!
10. The Chocolate Bat
Japanese people love to play ball, and finally, here is concrete proof that would hold up in court. Forget about “first base”, “second base”, etc. Anyone who brings tasteless “baseball” metaphors to the game of love will be beaten to death with this baseball bat full of chocolaty treats.
9. Tanoshingo Love Injection Bath
Who wouldn’t want to make milky pink bath water with a guy in a T-shirt with a banana, a peach, and some cherries on it? "Let's inject the power of love!” demands the product description and it is useless to resist. In fact, I'm writing these very words from inside a bathtub right now!
8. Maid Medicine Compress Chocolate
Disguising chocolate as first aid materials may not seem very sanitary, but hey, there’s a maid on the package and apparently, "It'll cure what ails you. Let's give chocolate with moe ingredients that will soak up all the pain in your heart." Just don’t put it on a deep puncture wound or you will probably bleed out and die.
7. Big Cup Nipple Chocolate
The glass container here is familiar to millions of Japanese winos as a parody of the Ozeki One Cup sake bottle. The HILARIOUS twist is that it has been appropriated for these "nipple chocolates that are just a bit hentai”. The ad copy posits these as, "A parody chocolate that will have you slipping back into infancy” which is always exactly where you want to be on Valentine’s Day, right?
6. Overweight DE Measure Chocolate
“For those of you who are starting to get worried about the size of your belly, carefully check your girth with this measuring tape!" In other words, you’re fat and here’s some more chocolate to stuff in your piehole.
5. Ikemen Chocolate Ramen
"An order of instant ramen chocolate for handsome 'meat eater' guys! Upping your handsome manliness by 50%" Handsome or not, we hope some genius tries to boil them in hot water. Note: a version for wimpy 'vegitarian guys' also exists.
4. K-POP Magazine Chocolate - "Old Girls Generation"
This one is kind of conceptual, but bear with us. The package explains helpfully, "This generation is not just about girls! A unique chocolate that displays the spirit and latent energy of mature ladies" Sure. Whatever. Just don’t expect to see them on the Letterman show anytime soon.
3. 'What Are You Looking At' Chocolate
If this isn’t the single weirdest Valentine's chocolate gift ever, it certainly is on the short list. Still, what are you looking at? Chocolate???
2. Chocolate Squid with Soft-Shelled Turtle Extract
Ok, I’m going to try and keep my lunch down while writing this: here’s a traditional Japanese snack of dried squid made even nastier by chocolate coating and a dollop of turtle extract (the latter is nature’s own Viagra, or so they say…). If this doesn't make you a sex machine, maybe the following will...
1. Chocolate Poo
And they said romance was dead! Give the Valentine's Day gift that keeps on giving with this heartwarming plastic turd filled with mouth-watering chocolates. The description calls it a "good luck charm", so yeah, good luck! You'll probably need it!