FEATURE: 6 Jumps of Anime Logic That You Do NOT Want to Have to Explain to Your Parents & Friends

Featuring Evangelion, Campione!, Girls und Panzer, and more!

6 Jumps of Anime Logic That You Do NOT Want to Have to Explain to Your Parents & Friends

 

By John Zabate


6. Men Love Boobs - Eyeshield 21

 

 

Saying that men love boobs is like saying that the sky is blue. No one can really explain why we like boobs, but we just do. However in Eyeshield 21 there is an entire team that has developed a strategy around their love of boobies. Enter the Sado Strong Golems, a relatively obscure team when introduced in the show during episode 123. Their introduction consisted of them shouting "OPPAI! OPPAI!" aka Japanese for "breasts" so you know these guys mean business. Their entire strategy revolves around the players lovingly jumping into boobs, and using this absurd amount of force to tackle their way through the opposition.

 


Tackle her! Tackle her like the dickens!!!

 

Clearly their oddball strategy has worked up until this point, I mean they ARE competing in the Kantou cup. They even manage to somewhat hold out against the Ojo White Knights during their game, but in the end *spoilers?* they lose it turns out. It's pretty obvious that they will lose, I mean, without the main rival team there wouldn't be much of a show now would there? Even so at the end of the game their coach talks about their team's EPIC FLAW. Apparently it turns out that men don't like other men's boobs.

 

Apparently.

 

5. Gilgamesh's Flying Jet Contraption - Fate Zero


 

Fate Zero is a relatively reasonable and down to earth anime, aside from the servants summoned through space and time, the magic, and tentacle monsters everything is just plain Jane and vanilla reasonable. I mean, for an anime these kinds of things are really just standard fare. However once Gilgamesh enters the scene he just kind of throws all logic out the door, pretty much because he can.  I mean the guy's power is that he has a treasury full of valuables from all of his conquests across the ages, not only that but he THROWS them at you. Key thing to note is that these treasures are from ANCIENT times. That being said enter Gilgamesh's Vimana, a giant flying contradiction to both history and physics.

 

 


It's kind of like a flying boat that you pilot while sitting on a toilet.


This bad boy is not only able to fly at supersonic speeds, but at the speed of thought itself. Being that thought is essentially the speed of light, this thing can fly pretty darn fast. So apparently at some time before any of us were born, when people were still killing each other with sharp sticks, someone made this maddening machine. Yeah. Try explaining that away to someone that doesn't watch animu. I guess you could just counter with an even less reasonable flying  vehicle to placate any naysayers.

 


It's powered by farts and shame.



4. ONLY 14 Year Olds Can Pilot the Latest & Greatest Military Tech - Evangelion

 

 

I'll just get this out of the way right now. Most anime make it difficult to explain away why exactly 14 year old boys are the only ones that can pilot the most advanced military tech on the planet. It has gotten to the point where this has just been accepted as fact and we now bow down to our 14 year old overlord masters.

 


We don't see you bowing.


To this day I have a hard time explaining away what exactly the Evangelions are, and why exactly was this kind of incredibly powerful tech developed knowing full well the pilots are children. I understand that the original design philosophy of the series was to explore the identity flux present at that age, but I mean it makes it REALLY hard to explain to newcomers why exactly people in the world of Evangelion are giving children access to these incredibly powerful weapons.

 


Because adults with weapons are much more reasonable.

 

 

3. History Lessons Kill GODS - Campione!


 

Campione! has an interesting premise that I thoroughly enjoyed. Essentially boy meets girl, girl is trying to kill gods, boy gets super powers, girl likes boy. Pretty straightforward. Now here is where things get crazy. Boy has super powers able to kill gods, but can only his most powerful weapon after learning the history of the god he is fighting. Ok still staying in an anime reasonable sort of zone. Boy is immune to magic therefore boy has to viciously make out with multiple girls in order to learn history. Excuse me, wait, what was that last part?



 We be LEARNIN'!!!!


Yeah, turns out that Kusanagi Godou, the protagonist, is completely unable to learn history outside of magic, and it JUST SO HAPPENS that due to his status as "Campione" he is completely immune to magic that isn't directly injected into his body. Convenient. Really really convenient. I can only imagine what is going to happen when he gets to college.

 

Or he could just read books, but that would be a boring anime.

 

 

2. Girls Piloting Tanks is a National Sport - Girls und Panzer

 

 

Girls und Panzer is probably my favorite anime of the season, but I am really astonished by how quickly I just kind of accepted the fact that girls piloting tanks is a national past time in this fictional Japan. It's standard to see teams of cute girls doing all kinds of stuff in anime, so piloting and operating tanks isn't really out of the ridiculous range by itself. The thing that I couldn't really explain to my friends is that no one really died. Ok yeah, tanks are tough, they're meant to take some hits, the little white flag thing pops up on top of their tanks when it has taken too much damage. I can buy that, but wait, then why do they catch fire?

 


I'm allergic to fire. I break out in death when exposed to it.

 

The entire time I was able to explain everything away in that the girls never died during their Tankery bouts. Kind of like how paintball firearms training works, real guns, fake rounds. Well clearly these rounds aren't fake, and I can only imagine how many cutesy girls have died horrible fiery deaths inside these tanks. Then again the entire premise is pretty out there, so you just push the "I believe" button and love the show with all of your heart regardless. I mean the real reason people watch it is in hopes of more of the "Angler Fish Dance."

 


We can only hope there is more.

 

1. The Entire Show - G Gundam

 

 

Oh yes oh yes oh yes. G freakin' Gundams. Probably the most amazingly ridiculous show ever, and for all of the right reasons. Essentially the show follows the hero, Domon, through a series of Gundam Fights. Yup, Gundam FIGHTS. Essentially it's a big bad tournament where the colonies orbiting Earth elect their new emperor by finding out which Gundam can make the other Gundams fall down in a fist fight.

 

I'm going to punch your right to vote in the face.

 

The thing about that tournament though is that it is the most sane part of the entire show. There is some wild plot about the "Devil Gundam" that swallowed Domon's brother or some nonsense, but the really ridiculous thing is that the point of the Devil Gundam was to revitalize the now desolate and barren Earth. Clearly a Gundam shaped contraption was necessary for this endeavor and not something like a box. I mean a box can't kill you, normally anyway. Then again I guess the most glaring thing to try to explain away is why racism seems to be A-Ok when in robot form.

 


It actually transforms into a lawnmower. 

 

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John Zabate can be found online at 

 
 
 
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