Post Reply Unforgettable Memory
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Posted 2/16/08
Hi, I'm new around here well to this group, lol =]. But i was wondering if you guys could leave some feedback on a Essay about a unforgettable memory for my College Writing class. Much thanks, and many Domo Arigatou's

Btw thanks for the permission Kagura4 ^^

And also anything Notes within Brackets with bolds "[ ]" are notes to both the readers and myself.

Last note i promise D: i took out the last 2 paragraphs as I'm still trying to improve on it more so i did a different conclusion for this essay"

-Start of Essay

Nauseated, Pain-stricken, dumbfounded. It was a fine day only to be ruined by the cries of my grandparents. Full of anger and rage I shot at them with a cold reply. "It's only 4:28 AM, I don't go to school until 6:45." was my response. Words stammered through their mouths as if they had been stitched with thread and needle. But despite all the desperation, the words came out slowly and smoothly while being as sharp as a knife intended to sever my inner sanity, "Your Father is dead." I laughed with the utmost pleasure, of which was more sinister than Satan himself and said "Grandma, Please don't joke around with such matters, its really early right now and I'd like to have at least a hour more of sleep." As they exited the doorway from my small but humble room. Relief came to me in a matter of seconds, soothing and calm as i closed those eyes.

As i closed those eyes that were so ever full of the feeling of fatigue and exhaustion. I still couldn't deny the fact that there was still a presence within my room. Enraged once more I got up only to be dumbfounded that the figure was not that of either my Grandmother or my Grandfather but the heavily built stature of my cousin Denny. But as soon as i could shoot a question of his reasons being here at this time. He shot back even faster than the blink of an eye with the words "Your father is dead.". Those words which earlier i depicted as a ever so sharp of a knife was non existent. But was more of a bomb that shattered the foundations of reality for me. Among the shattered traces of sanity, understanding, reality, and other concepts of life a normal person would have, was replaced by chaos, insanity, disorder, and oblivion. I ran as fast as i could past my cousin with the main objective to find my mother denying the fact that my Pops was truly dead. I passed many people who resided in my living room with quick responses, "Hey Sport, Wait up." , "Tony, Don't go in there!" , and "Tony, Stay calm!". I asked myself how in the hell do you expect me to stay calm when i was told my father was dead not once, but twice. As i found a huge crowd there was a voice familiar that was hurt and full of melancholy. Not the usual voice of calm and serene as I was so used to. There was my mom as white as the whitest marble you could get whom silhouetted a darker image of grief and sadness. Tears that ran down her face that made rainstorms pathetic in comparison and pain-stricken woes of "Why did this have to happen?" and "No's." My mom's head turned toward me ever so slowly only to be shocked and hurt even more as though her world was gone. Arms embraced me and tears rained on my face, i couldn't say anything, nothing. Strange how i had always thought hugs were meant full of warmth and kindness with a touch of relief to the heart but surprisingly this one was cold as ice and heart wrenching.

Ironic due to the fact of me being so sad and full of grief would arrive to school today was recess. I wasn't quite fond of it so much as i was ridiculed and insulted by kids who thought they were Gods and the deities of perfection compared to me. David, a kid who was a year older than I but still in the same grade continued his usual agenda by starting the barrage of insults toward my face. Words spouted recklessly from that fucking twerps mouth "Fat ass, you nerd, Loser." I just couldn't take this anymore as i lost control of my whole body taking slow steps to him as how a Tiger would pounce his prey moments later. As i stood up to him and mumbled he replied "Did you just swear at me you bitch?" [Surprising how kids knows so much profanity these days at such a young age.] Acting cocky and big as if he were the teacher himself i mumbled again. This time he said "What are you going to do?, Snitch?" Not helping at all while he was trying to get himself out of trouble i yelled at the top of my lungs and punched the kid in his nose and let all the chaos and emotions embrace me. Sadness, despair, grief, and rage, only to be fueled even more by profanity by the other kids and David himself. I yelled "I'm going to fucking kill you!" With all my rage and force i kicked him and lowered myself into a position where i could get a clear shot at his face. I yelled once more "I'm going to fucking kill you, I'm not holding back anymore!" As my fists met his nose, he was bleeding profusely but i didn't care. Using the brat as a vent and solution for my rage to be released I was held back from my frenzy by my teacher only moments later.

My teacher was a tall and thin man with rugged features in his face and with a soul of kindness and a man with a golden heart. He asked me "What was wrong?" Rage filled me once more as i screamed at him "everything was wrong, My fathers gone, he's dead and theres nothing helping only just those hurtful people who would always look down on me." I cried with eyes full of rage and tear-flow resembling that of my mothers this morning. Punching the wall to take out my rage they started bleeding so ever slowly only to be followed by more blood dripping down on them. I cried and yelled "I want my father back, give him back to me" My teacher was dumb-stricken and full of unawareness of my current situation and asked "What happened to your dad?" I screamed at him as though his words were the same as a heretic claim to the church, "He's Dead!"

Prior to the events from school, I was home, emotionally weakened , physically battered from fatigue, and mentally scarred for some time to pass. I never felt so lonely ever in my life. Never i told myself. As i reminisced about the days with my dad, my walks with him back to home, the warmth of his hand as we clutched each others hand as we crossed the street, and the usual pat to the head with the usual question "So sport how was your day?". I cried and ran up to my room to avoid embarrassment from the visitors and relatives in my house. I locked the door to my room as i did a dive to my bed only to drown my pillow in tears. As memories pivoted and strolled across my head about my head. All those good times, those warm memories, Gone within a flick. As a knock came upon the door I continued to cry only moments later to be straightening myself up and wiping the tears off my face. As i slowly unlocked the door to my room, a new door within my heart called reality had opened up and i went in as i told myself in reality as i opened the door to my room to the guest "It's going to be rough, But I'll progress and mature and Ill live not for myself but for my dad"

-End
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Posted 2/18/08
WoW!
I love it ^^ its really good writed..
you really show how the person is felling in this story.
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Posted 2/18/08
Ohh my god is too much!!!...But here nobody said that we had limit!!!...very good!!!...Ur mind is good!!!...Congratulations
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Posted 2/19/08
Thanks alot ^^ But im still trying to improve this before i give this to my teacher haha. I still have some mistakes over here and there but ill get it right and ill post the revised version when its done. ^^
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