ray=out Issue No.02 "Britain is Repossesing

(Cover Created By: TheLaughingMan)

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and topped not with ketchup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

Signed - John Cleese
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Personally I Found This Very Amuseing Seeing As I Agree With The Statement: "In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves..."
The Country is on a long road towards Failure.

I think this is funny... The current presidential race is certainly not getting us anywhere, I'm not going to lie. It's like asking to choose between the lesser of two evils...

THAT IS GOOD! oh how for our presidential race has fallen. I personally want to vote for Huckabee, he has Chuck Noris on his side. Chuck Noris is all we need to fix the world's problems, from border patrol to the economy.



GOD SAVE THE QUEEN INDEED! I'm not giving up the right to bear arms! and $6 a gallon for gas?! WTF?! here I thought gas was bad at $3 a gallon, how do you live in a country that charges gas from like a weeks worth of work?!

I don't you guys. If we actually had to vote for a president (and those of you 18 and up / and US citizen should vote!) who would you vote for? I kinda agree with ST0NER, Huckabee would seem to be the best (besides having Chuck Noris, he looks to be the best in regards to not getting us nuked and staying on the safe side), but MacCain is in the lead big time... As for the democrats, so long as Hillary doesn't win I'll be ok with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm all up for having a chick be president, but not Hillary: her short fuse and radical views will get us nuked. Not to mention government supported health care will turn us into Canada, which doesn't effectively work in the US.

haha, I Hope Hillary Wins.
My Girlfriends Mother told me that id Hillary wins they will both pick up and flee the country with me.
GO HILLARY!!!

... Now, what would happen to the rest of the World if this succesful?

The reality of Code Geass is most likely possible.

nice issue.

i think it`s also nice if our next issue is all about our group.

John Cleese is awesome. The presidential race this year isn't the greatest, but I'm not going to say it's horrible. Obama (yeah, that's right, I support him) has some good views and plans. Though he may not have much experience, I like his ideas, and I'm sure he'll find a way to get them done. He's a smart man. I've been following the Democrats more than the Republicans, so I can't really say whether or not I like McCain or Huckabee. All I know is I do NOT want Hilary as the President. As said before, she's got a short fuse, is most likely get us in a rut, and lies way too much. She's bipolar. No thanks to that.

IN RESPONSE TO THE ABOVE ARTICLE, THE USA HAS WRITTEN ITS OWN ANNEX DEMAND.

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VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,

In the light of your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments (most notably the French) and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a commonwealth of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal codes. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London and far more cultural. We believe the main reason why Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II does not fancy Utah is because it will turn her already sagging and dry skin into a rather hard leathery shell. Besides people over the age of 80 just do not know what they are talking about 75% of the time - the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip is a prime example of this and his son Prince Charles is fast following his example. If you want a national figure head appoint someone much younger and far more attractive.

To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are to be introduced with immediate effect:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "alumium" for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminum" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry.

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Chester Minor.

The letter “U" will be removed from words such as “armour" and “neighbour". Skipping the letter “U" is not considered laziness on our part since the correct pronunciation of those words would be “ar-moo-er" and “nay-boo-er"

You will also end your love affair with the letter “S" (and by the way, it is pronounced zee, not zed. The pronunciation “zee" actually comes from late 17th-century English dialect) and the suffix -ise will be replaced with the suffix -ize.

You also seem to pronounce words horribly wrong, even in your own language. Let’s take Edinburgh for example. You will realize that it is pronounced “Ed-in-burg", not “Ed-in-burra". Where does the –rra come from? If you wish to refer to it still as Edinburgh, we suggest you remove the last two letters and replace them with –rra.

Cockney rhyming slang will no longer be used, as it is an inefficient way to communicate with another. Say what you mean, there is no need to find another word that rhymes with the word you are trying to say.

2. Since you will switch to the American standard of spelling Microsoft will be notified on your behalf to discontinue the British language pack for the family of Office products.

3. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. (Here’s a hint: If you hear the word “eh" while speaking to someone, this is a clear indication that they are Canadian. Example: Nice weather we’re having, eh?)

You will also have to learn Southern accents. Cops will no longer broadcast subtitles.

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, your music industry is great. We’ll leave that intact. (The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden and Muse just to name a few). And please stop going on about Shakespeare, the guys been dead for nearly 400 years.

5. It is inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies, especially if that monarch has no role other than ceremonially. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. Rule Britannia will be the tune with which you will sing your next national anthem to. We will get to work on the lyrics immediately.

6. “Football" as you call it will be a permissible pastime, although you will be required to call it soccer. Police officers will be placed at strategic points around the field and riot gear will always be nearby. If you do cause an incident, we will tear your beloved “Football" away from you faster than you can say “Bangers and Mash". The NFL will be started in the UK as well as college Football (The American one) teams. We welcome any two of your rugby players to play an American Football player anytime. We will also be happy to show your rugby players how to wear proper protective gear, so they don’t lose brain cells every time they play.

7. You will not be allowed to own guns. This is because you fail to see how harmless wooden shields and spears are compared to a weapon capable of firing a projectile at upwards of 1,300 feet per second (Refer to the Anglo-Zulu War). You only pretend to be pompous intellects because you don’t have the testicular fortitude to own a gun, and thus only rely on drive by insults.

8. The 5th of November will no longer be celebrated. The 4th of July will replace this celebration and become a nationally recognized holiday, thus reminding you of when 13 of your most productive colonies decided not to recognize you as their ruler.

9. We have German cars, and think they are ugly and uncomfortable. British cars will be banned, as they are too small (height wise) for any person to fit into. We will airlift several hundred thousand Pontiacs, Buicks, and Cadillacs. American cars were crap, we agree, in the 70’s until the late 90’s. Since then, American cars are quite well built, very comfortable, and get good gas mileage.

All roundabouts will be replaced with intersections. You will begin to drive on the right side of the road, seeing as the majority of cars that are driven in the world are. You will convert to the American standard (gallons instead of liters). Litre will be spelled Liter.

10. Anything fried in animal fat will be banned. (This includes your precious “chips") Belgium was at one time a part of France, so calling them French fries does not seem too far off. To end confusion, thinly sliced pieces of potato (called crisps in the UK) will be referred to as chips, not crisps. Chips will be called French fries, or more commonly, fries.

11. A picture of a Native American will appear inside the state of Massachusetts on all British Tea. He will affectionately be known as “Bosty".

12. American Microbreweries will be established and you will see how Beer is supposed to taste. We do enjoy Killian’s Irish Red though (Good job Ireland, for your recipe at least). That company will be incorporated with Samuel Adams.

13. You will no longer be allowed to call it petrol, for it is called gasoline. You will adopt the American pricing standard for it (roughly around 35p/liter).

14. The American legal system grows and changes because we don’t live under the impression that our legal system is infallible. We wholeheartedly believe that the British could take a lesson from the way that the Americans respect but don’t worship their legal system. We have a channel called C-SPAN that broadcasts live from our chambers of law (the House and Senate) and occasionally broadcasts British Parliament. We tune to that channel solely to chuckle at how infantile and unorganized your lawmakers are.

We find it especially amusing that our government observes parliamentary procedure whilst (by the way that word is ours now) yours seemingly does not.

15. We will tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for the abomination known as “Teletubbies". Anne Wood will be promptly ordered to pay a fee of $2,500 for any person who suffered psychological abuse due to watching the afore mentioned show.

16. Taxes will be imposed on British citizens for all damages incurred by the British during the Revolutionary War and War of 1812.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Oh good, the America decides to combat the British claims to our country. This is great: I can see it now, another American Revolution.

haha, we can only guess what the future holds...

Lol..btw, is the article really written by John Cleese?

No, it wasn't. I saw on some Myth or Fact site, this article, and the myth was that John Cleese wrote it. They proved it to be myth.