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HATCHET part 1
Midnight on a back road in GA the moon is not showing its face to the night sky. A silver car heads down the road with a couple in it. With the head lights shineing on the road in front of the car. A white male dress in a suit drives the car with a black female dress in a white dress with her high heels in her lap setting in the passager set. Time after time sung by Cyndi Lauper with Sarah Lachlan plays on the radio.
The woman looks out the window into the dark tree line with a look of disappointment on her face with a couple of past she turns to the radio, leans up and turns down the radio.
"So sweetie did you have fun at the family reunion today?"ask the wife as she turns down the radio and looks at her husband. "Well I felt like the odd one out but in all it was ok." "just ok?....why ok? why couldn't been great or even fantastic?" ask the wife with a little of flertation on her voice.
"Well i was the only white man there and sometimes I felt like everybody was watching me."answer the man with a grin on his face.
When the woman hears this she looks out the window again to stare into the night.
Twenty feet in the woods and few miles up the same road the couple is traveling on. On the right side of the road a girl about nineteen dress in a white teeshirt with blood stains on it , blue jeans with dirt all over it runs and falls down over something on the ground. She begins to get up slowly to her feet when she hears something break a twig 20 yards behind her. She pauses a second when she gets all the way up on her feet. Then she dashes for the tree line with all her strength. At the sametime in the car the husband waits for a responce from his wifeto what he said but she says nothing. She continues to stare out the window.
"Sooooo can we stop by my parents house on are way back home?" the man ask as he takes his eyes off the road to look at his wife for an answer.
Down the road the woman in the woods reachs the side of the road and stops. she looks right then left and sees the couple in there car on the left of her drawing near and laughs out loud when she begains to walk in the way of the car as the man in the car looks at his wife.
Back in the car
"Whats wrong now? say something!!!" the husband says as he looks at his wife
As the woman in the car turns her head from looking out the window to look at her husband she sees the girl stumble onto the road and stop in the path of the car
"WATCH OUT!" yells the woman at her husband
The husband looks back on the road & sees the girl.He turns the steering wheel sharp left missing the girl and gos over the left side of the highway and slams on the brakes. The car comes to a stop in the middle of the road on the left side with the tail of the car about fourteen inchs away from the girl.
As the car stops the girl falls to the highway on her knees faceing straight down the road where the couple came from. When the girls knees hit the highway a huge man runs with lighining speed from the right side treeline where the girl came from and hits her on the side her head with a hatchet in his right hand with such force that he almost splits her head into from side to side. The girl falls to the right on her side with her back faceing the car as the man runs straight across the road pass the car & into the woods on the left side of the road in the matter of seconds with out making a sound.
i'm not done yet so i will have a second half on here. tell me what you think about it and please don't tell me you like it if you don't. if you see problems with it tell me about them were i can work on them thank you
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Send Message: 20 / M / TN
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dude so far so good, cant wait to read the rest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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KOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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hey fvj...you've got talent...really but well...i study creative writing and I am a reader ( I love books) and i critique because i kinda have experience because i was the editor for my high school paper...well...you have some typos and grammatical mistakes...and for a writer that is very big..i know you can proof read your story and such but from what i study its really important to have correct spellings and sentence construction...other than that your story is great...i asked you to sent me a story..."the library" i think...i am looking forward to reading it...please accept my comments as constructive criticism...I am only trying to help...so please don't mind...thanks for letting us read your story...good luck with the rest of it...take care...
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47825 cr points
Send Message: 31 / M
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Salli wrote:
hey fvj...you've got talent...really but well...i study creative writing and I am a reader ( I love books) and i critique because i kinda have experience because i was the editor for my high school paper...well...you have some typos and grammatical mistakes...and for a writer that is very big..i know you can proof read your story and such but from what i study its really important to have correct spellings and sentence construction...other than that your story is great...i asked you to sent me a story..."the library" i think...i am looking forward to reading it...please accept my comments as constructive criticism...I am only trying to help...so please don't mind...thanks for letting us read your story...good luck with the rest of it...take care...
thanks and have you got the PM i sent you with "the library" in it?
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13233 cr points
Send Message: F / UK
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Hey, not bad at all. Full on action from the beginning and you don't have to wait too long. There's just the normal spelling mistakes and you could/should separate the "speech" lines between the characters etc.... But overall its good so c'mon Thomas I can't wait for the second installments of this.  |
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2930 cr points
Send Message: 25 / F / city of sugar and...
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at first I thought it's a description of a certain movie..
not bad though... |
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HATCHET by fvj 
