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Is this a good anime storyline?? My original... Plz read
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26 / M / Singapore
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Posted 3/13/08
Very creative, although can't really see it being an anime, more like a suspence novel. But great beginning though.
Mmmm, no use..i like some pictures to help me imagine...
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36 / M / Philly
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Posted 3/13/08
from reading the story, it seems that it was too vague and a bit difficult for me to develop
any interest towards the end. nice try and keep working on it.
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31 / F / Wouldn't you like...
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Posted 3/13/08

heshiron wrote:

Chapter 1: The Scythe


He felt a searing pain in his leg.... The wolf bit him... John feared the worst... Wolves in this area are known to have Rabies... he took out his gun.
"You're dead!!!"He shouted.
He pulled the trigger. A ball of flame went out and hit the wolf in the head. It yelped, then fell to the ground, dead.
He lay beside a rock and started to think. It was hard, since his head was bleeding because of the fall earlier. He needed help. He heard footsteps moving towards him. Maybe it was a hunter.
"Who's there?" The "Hunter" said.
His voice sounded like a boy from his age.
"I need help." John said."A wolf attacked me."
The hunter seemed to be carrying a long stick.
"You killed the wolf?" He asked.
"Yes."John said weakly."Please....."
He was kicked at the chest. The hunter, thrust his stick at John's face. To John's horror, it was not a stick, but a Scythe. He held his gun, ready and waiting.
"Die."The hunter said, raising his scythe.
There was a gush of wind. A gunshot sound can be heard. The hunter knelt. John stood up and ran as fast as he can. He missed the head, but only hit the chest. He limped towards the bridge and he could see the city walls.
"Just a few more!!!"John exclaimed.
He heard wolves growling. He held his gun and aimed at them. He pulled the trigger for 5 times. His blurred vision made it quite hard. Nevertheless, he managed to hit 2 of the wolves. The last one pounced. With good reflexes, he twisted the pistola and hit the wolf with the hard, steel handle. He noticed a lick of flame coming from the pistol handle. The gates were just a few steps away.
He heard a shout from beyond the bridge. He could not recognize the words. The next thing he knew, he was thrown back, hit the grass and felt a portion of his back exposed. The pain was intense.
"You've got guts, I'll give you that." The hunter said, raising his scythe."Die."
Several shots were fired. It sounded more like a cluster Rifle.
It was Vorg, his foster father.
"Get away from him!"Vorg SHouted, firing more shots."John!!!"
He heard Vorg's footsteps. John Leo Heshirod knew it was over.....



The guy with the scythe needs more dialog than just "die" and you should describe how he looked like.
Still I can imagine it and I think it's good so far.
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23 / F / in the box
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Posted 3/13/08
yah a lot more suspense!
Posted 3/13/08
cant imagine it....imagine imagine imagine!!!...brain blast!!...i 4got wat i'd imagine
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26 / F / S'pore
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Posted 3/13/08
it's missin tat something..mayb bcause u shortened it..
but overall it was kinda gd..i could at least picture de scenes out..
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26 / M
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Posted 3/13/08
a little childish but it has some detail to it yet again its one chapter most likely its just the introductory
Posted 3/14/08

heshiron wrote:

Chapter 1: The Scythe


He felt a searing pain in his leg.... The wolf bit him... John feared the worst... Wolves in this area are known to have Rabies... he took out his gun.
"You're dead!!!"He shouted.
He pulled the trigger. A ball of flame went out and hit the wolf in the head. It yelped, then fell to the ground, dead.
He lay beside a rock and started to think. It was hard, since his head was bleeding because of the fall earlier. He needed help. He heard footsteps moving towards him. Maybe it was a hunter.
"Who's there?" The "Hunter" said.
His voice sounded like a boy from his age.
"I need help." John said."A wolf attacked me."
The hunter seemed to be carrying a long stick.
"You killed the wolf?" He asked.
"Yes."John said weakly."Please....."
He was kicked at the chest. The hunter, thrust his stick at John's face. To John's horror, it was not a stick, but a Scythe. He held his gun, ready and waiting.
"Die."The hunter said, raising his scythe.
There was a gush of wind. A gunshot sound can be heard. The hunter knelt. John stood up and ran as fast as he can. He missed the head, but only hit the chest. He limped towards the bridge and he could see the city walls.
"Just a few more!!!"John exclaimed.
He heard wolves growling. He held his gun and aimed at them. He pulled the trigger for 5 times. His blurred vision made it quite hard. Nevertheless, he managed to hit 2 of the wolves. The last one pounced. With good reflexes, he twisted the pistola and hit the wolf with the hard, steel handle. He noticed a lick of flame coming from the pistol handle. The gates were just a few steps away.
He heard a shout from beyond the bridge. He could not recognize the words. The next thing he knew, he was thrown back, hit the grass and felt a portion of his back exposed. The pain was intense.
"You've got guts, I'll give you that." The hunter said, raising his scythe."Die."
Several shots were fired. It sounded more like a cluster Rifle.
It was Vorg, his foster father.
"Get away from him!"Vorg SHouted, firing more shots."John!!!"
He heard Vorg's footsteps. John Leo Heshirod knew it was over.....

The Hunter is described as a guy with white hair, has the Scythe of shadow, Wolf seal and the Power of Shadow.... lolzz.... I have an illustration of some of my characters(made by a friend) , but I wont post it, maybe many people will clain it as their own.... haha...


dialogues and description should have a good balance with each other. me too have the same problem, anyways a good work i must say, keep it up!
Posted 3/14/08
not bad...but if its an anime storyline....i dont think the character should be named john leo heshirod.....it doesnt sould like an anime name....in fact i have never seen an anime character with the name john...
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24 / F / Philippines
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Posted 3/14/08
well done . . . . sounds nice . . .
Posted 3/14/08

mangoku wrote:

not bad...but if its an anime storyline....i dont think the character should be named john leo heshirod.....it doesnt sould like an anime name....in fact i have never seen an anime character with the name john...


i think its not bad if he will be using english names. names does not only make animes you know... at least he is trying to innovate and try something new. wapanese is all overcliched already, at least his idea is something new and original.
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24 / M / Denmark, Rønde
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Posted 3/14/08
It's very good, but sometimes you swift between past tence, and present tence. Like when you wrote: "The hunter said, raising his scythe." It should be: "raised his scythe" There are more mistakes like these, and you have to watch out for them. I had that problem too, once...
Posted 3/14/08
why did the wolf die?....
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Somewhere between...
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Posted 3/14/08
Not Bad^^
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21 / F / TM
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Posted 3/14/08
its good but a bit more suspense would do=)
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