Well i had something in my head i just want to lrt go so here!!!


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That's a story in my head somewhere between 3 months into the story.
Glad that's off my chest.

Interesting. Really. anyway, new here, so go easy on me, lol. Do give your comments... [i don;t intend to draw manga or anime but this is a story i had and need it off my chest...]

Story:

16 year old Yukari Shinomi recently transferred over to a high school in tokyo since her father had been promoted to working in his company's main office in tokyo. In her new class, she slowly fits in with the help of some of the students in her class, particularly the well-known class represenative, Toshiro nobunga. And so her first day in school went well.... but what was about to happen would shock her...

later in the night, yukari is awakened from her sleep by the sound of the windows breaking, which later was accompanied by screams from her parents, who she remembered were still outside her room the last time she checked. Then worried, she slowly peeped outside the door, and to her shock, all she could see was her parents dead on the floor, being chewed upon by... demonic looking monsters. Worse, one of the monsters had managed to notice her presence... slowly it begun to make its way to her. Hurriedly, closing the door, she now sat back behind the door, panicking and lost, not knowing what to do... just when all seemed lost when the monster managed to break down her room door.... a man breaks through her room's window and slays the beast easily with his lance. To her surprise, that person who none other than her class representative, Toshiro...

That's how it begins, lol.

They laid there drenched in their own blood in the middle of the street. Their bodies limp with the coldness that crept in their fingertips and the blood that rushed out their wounded chests’. The tears came slowly down his cheeks as he gazed down the bodies that lay restlessly beside him. His blood slowly left his body joining the drops of blood that others held as well.
This is my hell he thought.
He looked at the imposter and with a sense of recognition he slowly smiled his last smile on earth. The reaper came to take his life away. His sins were the only ones that kept him on chains. He felt like repenting was the only way to carry off this heavy burden off himself. He had to be forgiven in order to go to heaven, but he knew that God was the judge, not him. He barely had the time to say the words that would leave him without a sense of pride or dignity.
“I’m-“
Not even a scream came about his lips; His last saying on earth was left unsaid and the murderer came across an accomplishment that not only he knew, but he cherished it lightly beneath his heart.
The menacing darkness that threatened to invade his heart was no longer there and the feeling was just right as he glanced at the corpses’. A sinister laugh erupted in his chest as his gloved hands spread through the blood and on his face.
He left the corpses to fend for themselves and with a last glimpse behind him, a vile expression flashed across his face before he composed himself again and left a note with four words lying beside the puddle of blood.



Alot of mistakes lol but i thought of the story as i was typing it..

Hmmm let me try.

Hello my name is Kagome Shudo. I'm 14 years old and am half way through my last year in junior high. I have two best friends, Kana and Ayame. Theyre always there for me. i never realized how much i appreciated them until last year. September 7 of last year i lost my father in a car accident. He was on his way to work from his lunch break when another car ran a red light. It was about 11:00 i believe...third perod.

"So class if x=3 then what is the solution to the equation 2x+5-7?" Mrs.Higurashi asked the class. I let out a sigh blowing a piece of hair from my face. Math was not my favorite subject plus i wasnt good at it. I rested my cheek on my fist and gazed out the window losing myself in the soft rain outside. I stared across the street, watching the trees sway in the wind. Cherry blossoms floated to the ground landing in puddles on the ground. My eyes drifted to the wall that wrapped around the park on the other side of the road. A person sat on top of it with his back to the school. He looked about my age and i wondered why he wasn't in school. I stared at him thinking of reasons why he would sit in the rain. His hair was white and short. The rain made his hair shine and it clung to his neck. 'I wish i could see his face' Ithought to myself. My eyes widened in shock and the hair on my arms stood up. The boy turned his head around and was staring right at me. His eyes were blank and cold like ice. i was in complete fear and amazment when a man walked in the room. Everyone turned their heads to look at him including me. He looked at me then said to the teacher,"I need to speak to miss Shudo." I walked to the front of the class and we stepped out into the hall. "Miss shudo...Your father has been in a terrible accident. Your being excused to go to the hospital to see him."He said. "What!?! Is he ok?!" i yelled a thousand thoughts running through my mind. "Just follow me." he turned and began to walk away. Before i followed him i looked to the window for one last glimpse of the stranger on the wall. When i did he was nowhere to be seen, so i went to catch up to Mr.Rikotsu. As i trailed behind him my mind began to race with questions.Is my father ok, what happened, will he live. Amungst all these questions there was one that stuck in the back of my mind. Who was that boy?

Oops! i guess i got carried away , oh well. So tell me what do you think?

Its really good!!!!!! u left me with curioustity!!!!! i'll give u a candy if u tell me who that boy was!!!!! >=3

hmm well i have a story once again so i'm going to vent myself in here. hope you like it!

It felt like an omen just being in the cemetary, i felt like i was being watched by flying scarecrows along with the bodies that were buried underground, wanting to escape their breathless coffins'. I glanced at a tombstone that captured my attention. it was dull and gray like all the other ones but this one i felt was different. It lurked a spirit like aura and as i walked closer to it, it grew more and more. Silent warnings were being whispered in my mind, and the wind blew with sheer force to somehow block me out of this energy. It made me all more determined to find out the reason of this feeling i felt. The pain in my chest felt heavy, it took me a while to calm it down. I stood in front of the tombstone reading the name.

Laura Senil
1994-2008
loving daughter

My hands felt cold and my body trembled as i struggled to gain my balance. It was me. i'm dead. i looked at my hands as if checking if i was really there and saw my hands fading away and my legs. Nothing but a scream was heard underground. A rose took her place and the coffin that was empty now laid her body and soul.

Wow! Another amazing story. It's like you've been writing your whole life and the mental picture that it creates is spectacular!

hey again i wrote more!

When we reached the hospital we went too the third floor…the intensive care unit. We walked into the waiting room and Mr.Rikotsu said, ”Wait here while I talk to the doctor.” I slumped into a chair and my eyes dropped to the floor. My father and I had had a fight this morning about my room being a mess. I had yelled so loud, with so much anger. I said so many things that I regret now…things my mother never would have said. I kept telling myself that he would be ok. That we would go home together and forget our fight. That we would sing along with the radio and play air guitar and laugh at the faces we made while we rocked out. As many times as I told myself that, I knew it would never be true.
“Miss Shudo, you can see him now. Just prepare yourself, his injuries are very bad. He can’t talk but he can hear you.” I nodded my head once then stood and walked into the room where my father layed. His body was broken and covered in bandages. The skin that was visible was black and blue. I didn’t recognize the man before me. My father was stronger than this, he wouldn’t let a little crash bring him down. I’d always though my dad was like super man, invincible and unbeatable. Looking at him like that finally made me realize that while he acted like a super being, he was only…human. He wasn’t invincible and he had feelings. When my mother passed he stayed strong, and while I cried day and night in his arms he just comforted me, never saying a word. Back then I never thought of how he was feeling or that he had lost someone special to him too. I just cried and cried staining his shirt with my tears not once thinking to offer him my shoulder to cry on.
I dropped my bag on the floor and knelt by his bed side.
“Dad...i’m here. Your not alone anymore.” I whispered to him. I sat in silence for a minute holding back tears.
“I’m sorry. I should have cleaned my room and I shouldn’t have yelled at you an- and I don’t hate you, I never could!” Everything I wanted to say to him just came out at once. I stared at him waiting for a response, even though I knew he couldn’t speak. I put my head down on the bed next to him.
“It’s ok.” My head popped up at the sound of his whisper.
“I was a mess when I was young too. Guess you got that from me.” He laughed gently.
“I love you dad.” I said.
“Love you too kitty.” He hadn’t called me kitty since I was 5. That’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. The tears flowed from my eyes like the rain outside. I grabbed the sleeve of his shirt my head on his bruised shoulder. Then he died. Lightning ripped through the sky and the thunder boomed like my father’s laugh. On that day, even the storm outside couldn’t compare to storm in my heart.

some mistakes but tell me what you think.

Alright guys, if anyone has read my story i need some help! I have writers block and i don't know where to take the story next, any ideas?

Okay then, as thanks for the comments on the story, i shall give some feedback.
1) good description. I really felt the emotions. you could try using more descriptions of the scene. Like before arriving at the ward. For example, "As i slowly walked towards the door of the intensive unit, i was struggling... i didn;t want to continue moving on... i didn;t want to believe.. my father.. he couldn't have been involved in an accident... he couldn't have."

2)some minor mistakes, but good language.

3)to continue off, you could have your main lead meet with that mysterious boy somewhere outside the hospital or something.

That's all I have to say. Good luck to you. Hope you continue this story. (in return i may start typing the story that you liked)

thanks and i will put the description in before she enters the ward.

i took your advice and heres what i've got.

A hand rested on my shoulder but I didn’t turn to see who it belonged to.
“I’m very sorry for your loss. We have an escort waiting for you outside.” The sound of the doctor’s voice faded into the background. What was he asking me to do? Leave my father and return home to what, an empty home? His hand gently began to pull me away from the bed. I clung to my father’s body planning to stay there forever. The tears came heavier and the pain came like a thousand daggers in my heart.
“Can we have a few minutes alone?” a soft voice asked. The hand left my shoulder and footsteps lead to a silent room. Another hand rested on my head.
“MeMe…I’m sorry. We’re here for you and if you ever need any thing we’ll be there.” Ayame’s voice soothed my broken spirit. Quickly I turned around and grabbed her in a hug. She hugged me back and for once today I felt a little better. Not good enough to make the tears stop or the pain go away, but good enough to think that maybe it was possible to carry on without him.
“Kana’s waiting outside. She wanted to come in but she gets squeamish in hospitals. Let us walk you home.” Slowly I pulled away and nodded once. She helped me to my feet and walked to the door. I took one more look at my father’s scarred body then dragged myself to meet her. My tears clouded my vision and Aya’s arm went around my waist to support me. We walked out of the hospital into the pouring rain. Kana sat on a bench soaked to the bone staring blankly into space. I remembered the times my father and I would sit in the park beneath the cherry blossom trees, and the times we ran through the rain jumping from puddle to puddle. Kana walked over and stood at my other side.
“Let’s get you home.” She said. We walked down the road past shops, homes, parks, and schools. Though my head was down the whole time everything we passed sent a precious memory of him running through my mind. Each one like a movie that I never wanted to end, but each one did and my heart hurt a little more every time the credits rolled. Before I knew it I was home, lying alone in my bed. Kana and Aya left so I was alone again. I locked the door, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
Monday morning-

(Beepbeepbeep) I opened my eyes, awakened by my alarm. A picture of my mom and dad sat by my bed.
“Morning guys.” I greeted as I slugged out of bed. Taking my time I dressed then sat down for a small breakfast. ‘What will the other kids think of me being an orphan?’ I wondered picking at my food. I couldn’t eat so I threw out the food then headed on my way to school. Today was a sunny day and it seemed like the beautiful pink petals of the trees glowed. The suns rays warmed my face as if my parents were smiling down on me, wishing me luck on my day at school. Today was the day we got our test scores and I couldn’t wait. I walked up the brick pathway and entered the doors. As I walked down the hallway I could hear the whispered remarks around me. ’look it’s the orphan girl’, ‘She all alone now. All she has are those two freak friends of hers’. All the rumors and laughs chipped away at what was left of my heart. I pretended I couldn’t hear them, keeping my head down to hide the tears. I walked up to the bulletin board to check my scores. I could feel all their eyes on my back, staring…taunting. I heard one boy whisper to his friend,” She’s kinda cute. She may be alone but I could take care of her.” They chuckled. His friend replied,” Go over there and work your magic then.” Suddenly a fist slammed against the wall above my head. Startled I looked to my right only to see the boy from the wall. He leaned over me in a protective position glaring at the two boys who had been laughing at me. The way he stared at them was like he was going to kill them if they took one step toward me. Finally I could get a better look at his face. His hair was silver and his eyes where blue like I had remembered. The only difference was the look in his eyes. No longer were they cold like ice but calm and gentle like a deep lake. His silver hair glistened like the full moon in a dark dreary sky. All together his features were a masterpiece against a porcelain canvas. A tear rolled down my cheek then fell off my chin. The two boys saw his face and ran down the hall like they’d seen a ghost.
He turned his head and faced me with a smile so beautiful my heart skipped a beat. I stared at him in amazement and my cheeks began to get hot. He lifted his finger and wiped a tear from my eye. Quickly, I turned away hiding rosy cheeks behind my hair.
“Th-thank you for helping me.” I whispered still avoiding eye contact.
“It was no problem, I’m always glad to help. I myself am alone, so I won’t stand for you being teased for something that is out of your control.” He laughed a small laugh that reminded me of my dad’s. I looked at him and smiled. “I’m sorry, I haven’t properly introduced myself. I’m Kagome Shudo, nice to meet you.” He bowed then said, ”The pleasure is all mine Miss.Shudo. My name is Hari Minagawa.” He raised then said, ”Please feel free to ask me for help whenever people are bothering you.” I smiled and nodded. “So are you new here, I don’t think I’ve seen you before.” We began to walk down the hallway. “Yes, I just moved here from…far away. After my parents died I became a nomad, so I’ve been traveling a lot.” A flicker of sadness flashed across his face, why? “You must have seen a lot then, with all your traveling I mean. I’ve never left the state let alone the country. Must be nice.” He smiled at me and we walked to class together. Even though people were still staring at us I couldn’t help but feel…good with Hari around. Suddenly it was a lot easier to smile and the hole in my heart stopped aching for once. I felt warm inside and it lasted all day. It felt good to know that I wasn’t alone anymore, that I had someone to talk to that could relate. I was happy again. That night I went home happy, but the feeling didn’t last. Being alone in an empty house brought the pain and sadness. So I had another night of tears.
The next morning I awoke and continued with my morning routine. I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my bag. I walked out the door and was greeted by the sun shining bright. I turned to lock the door and when I turned back I was shocked to see Hari waiting at the front fence. He was staring into the sky watching the clouds pass. A slight breeze made his silver hair flow like the wind that blew it. He smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. I walked to meet him and said, ”Good morning Hari. What brings you here?” He extended his arm and I took it. We started down the street and he said, “I figured I should walk you to school incase someone else decided to mess with you.” My face fell a little. I had hoped it was for a better reason than that. “Well…” he added, “I also like talking to you. You’re nice and I’d like to learn more about you.” I smiled at him. “Thank you. I’d like to learn more about you too.” That’s what I call a perfect morning. He walked me to all of my classes, carried my books and opened every door for me. He’s an absolute gentlemen mom. I think you and dad would like him….just like I do. He’s even invited me to dinner tomorrow night. Don’t worry it’s not at his house, it’s at a fancy restaurant. I can’t wait…well good night.

So what do you think? (i know it's alot to take in)

Good read. Just a few points to mention: (maybe one or two...)

Hmm.... i just would like to say that don't rush the relationship factor yet. It would be interesting if the boy hasn't quite noticed yet.

Two, story was good with descriptions. Keep up the good work!

i planned write story about A Japanese girl and Filipino Driver
Hikari Ashira is normal girl whose boyfriend Shigeru turn be Yazuka Member