Favorite Comedic Rants/Stories
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27 / M / North Carolina
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Posted 9/19/07 , edited 9/19/07
Well as most of you know, there is a fairly popular General jokes thread, and jokes can be quite funny, but they aren't really my thing, I'm not ragging on jokes, but as for me, I want more out of my comedy, like a misanthropic rant from the late, great, Bill Hicks , or just about any type of social commentary from Lewis Black, comedy that makes me laugh AND think,

So post your favorite comedic rants/stories, here and be sure to......

Name the comedian
Name the subject matter
The album or show you got it from
And tell why you liked it or them, so much


Lewis Black
The end of the universe
End of the universe
It looks into the idiocy of people

From the beginning of time, man has looked at the heavens and firmly believed that the end of the universe ends out in space. It's not true. The end of the universe happens to be in the United States. I have seen it. And, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas...I know, I was shocked too... I left the comedy club there and walked down the street.

On one corner, there was a Starbucks. And across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, was a Starbucks. At first I thought the sun was playing tricks on my eyes. But, no. There was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. And that, my friends, is the end of the universe. People have said to me, 'how do you know?' And I say, 'go there. Stand between those two Starbucks and look at your watch. Time stands still.' And if you turn this way, and look at just this Starbucks, immediately you think, 'You know, There cannot possibly be a Starbucks behind me. Nobody would have been that stupid, to have built a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. And if there was a just and loving God, he wouldn't allow that kind of shit to go down!.' So you turn slowly, thinking, 'well, I'll see a Gap, or a Denny's, maybe even a Mobil Station... BUT THERE'S A STARBUCKS!'.

What do you think the man was thinking who stood in the empty lot, and looked acroos the street at the Starbucks that was already built, when he turned to his wife and kids, and said "you know, I have a vision, I'm gonna build a Starbucks across from a Starbucks", "why would you do that dad?, because it'll mean the end of the universe you little shit!". I've pondered long and hard, as to what kind of people would need that kind of service, a starbucks across from a starbucks, and there's only one group of people that comes to mind, people with Alzheimers, it has to be a group that can sit there and drink coffee, walk to the door and go, "you see what I see?, a starbucks, it's about time for a cup of Joe"


Edit- Here's a great source

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page


Posted 9/19/07
Dave Chappelle.
Black Bush and Clayton Bigsby.
His two funniest skits ever.
Posted 9/19/07

abel89 wrote:

Well as most of you know, there is a fairly popular General jokes thread, and jokes can be quite funny, but they aren't really my thing, I'm not ragging on jokes, but as for me, I want more out of my comedy, like a misanthropic rant from the late, great, Bill Hicks , or just about any type of social commentary from Lewis Black, comedy that makes me laugh AND think,

So post your favorite comedic rants/stories, here and be sure to......

Name the comedian
Name the subject matter
The album or show you got it from
And tell why you liked it or them, so much


Lewis Black
The end of the universe
End of the universe
It looks into the idiocy of people

From the beginning of time, man has looked at the heavens and firmly believed that the end of the universe ends out in space. It's not true. The end of the universe happens to be in the United States. I have seen it. And, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas...I know, I was shocked too... I left the comedy club there and walked down the street.

On one corner, there was a Starbucks. And across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, was a Starbucks. At first I thought the sun was playing tricks on my eyes. But, no. There was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. And that, my friends, is the end of the universe. People have said to me, 'how do you know?' And I say, 'go there. Stand between those two Starbucks and look at your watch. Time stands still.' And if you turn this way, and look at just this Starbucks, immediately you think, 'You know, There cannot possibly be a Starbucks behind me. Nobody would have been that stupid, to have built a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. And if there was a just and loving God, he wouldn't allow that kind of shit to go down!.' So you turn slowly, thinking, 'well, I'll see a Gap, or a Denny's, maybe even a Mobil Station... BUT THERE'S A STARBUCKS!'.

What do you think the man was thinking who stood in the empty lot, and looked acroos the street at the Starbucks that was already built, when he turned to his wife and kids, and said "you know, I have a vision, I'm gonna build a Starbucks across from a Starbucks", "why would you do that dad?, because it'll mean the end of the universe you little shit!". I've pondered long and hard, as to what kind of people would need that kind of service, a starbucks across from a starbucks, and there's only one group of people that comes to mind, people with Alzheimers, it has to be a group that can sit there and drink coffee, walk to the door and go, "you see what I see?, a starbucks, it's about time for a cup of Joe"


Edit- Here's a great source

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page




I remember that off his stand up on CC....Lewis Black is infact made 100% purely of WIN

Trevor (OP)
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27 / M / North Carolina
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Posted 9/20/07
Here's another from Lewis Black

It's my firm belief that this country has lost its mind. We are completely nuts now. It started, I think with the Heaven's Gate people. That was the first sign that there was something desperately wrong in our culture. When 39 Americans killed themselves in a mansion. In a mansion! You don't kill yourselves in a mansion! You kill yourselves in a shitty apartment like I live in.

And they killed themselves in order to get to a mother ship, that was conveniently located out of sight, behind the Hale-Bopp Comet. 39 Americans. And they were collected by a guy who went around in the early '70s, and nobody stopped him. He said that his name was Bo and he introduced his partner at these meeting that he had, and he said her name was Peep… If I’m in a meeting and a guy says, 'My name is Bo, this is Peep.' Guess what? End of meeting!

We have nothing to discuss. I’m out of there unless, of course, there are sheep. And if Peep is dressed properly, I’ll stay around quite some time. 'How do we get to the mother ship, Bo? What do we do?' 'We don't drink. We don't smoke. We don't do drugs. We don't have sex.' 'Well, you'll have to kill me now. You've taken away all four food groups. I'm fucked.' He actually told them, if they wanted to continue to have sex, that they should be castrated. Seven castrated themselves! I always thought that all of us, had a little, small voice of survival somewhere. I would think, that would be a deal breaker. When you find yourself in a bathroom, holding a weed whacker on your pecker. I believe a little voice should go off. 'Hey, hey, hey. I don't think this is the group we should join. Maybe we should try a bowling team.'



cocky 
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Posted 9/20/07
Bill Hicks..
The "I'm sorry folks" show
The "Freebird" rant
"Hitler had the right idea... he was just an underachiever."
Reason: Inherently memorable, both for anger and frustration. Frustration at humanity, frustration at himself for being unable to fully express it or change it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=WDrgwZsGC9A





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27 / M / North Carolina
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Posted 9/20/07
Lewis Black on the Tax cuts

Instead of having a $350 billion tax cut, what you do with that money is, you do a public works project. See, what that is, is you pay a lot of people to build something, okay? And that way you employ people who are unemployed. And then they get money, and they spend it, and that stimulates the fucking economy too! So, you pick a place that really needs something. You know, a state that could really use it, like Mississippi.

Of course Mississippi. Because that's the place that no one has ever thought, 'Boy, I gotta vacation. I need two weeks in Biloxi!' And you go down there and find a place that's totally in the shitter; you won't have to go far. And what you do is build a big fuckin' thing. I don't care what it is! As long as it's big and it's a fuckin' thing! And then the economy will explode, because people will say, 'I've gotta see the Big Fuckin' Thing!' And then there'll be a Big Fuckin' Thing Restaurant. A Big Fuckin' Thing Hotel and Casino! A Big Fuckin' Thing Spa!
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25 / M / The Netherlands
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Posted 9/20/07
what is this about like nothing?
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27 / M / North Carolina
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Posted 9/20/07
^ if you have nothing to contribute to the topic....

THEN KEEP YOUR FUCKIN MOUTH SHUT!, and go about your business

it's that simple really
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28 / M / aruba
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Posted 9/20/07
carlos mecia
no strnga atached
the stupid persons jokes
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29 / M / North Carolina
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Posted 9/20/07

fatzo wrote:

carlos mecia
no strnga atached
the stupid persons jokes


Carlos Mencia is made of fail.

Posted 1/27/08
ummm that kramer guy from seinfeld when out of no where we went. THATS a N-----. Thats a N-----
Posted 1/27/08
Brian Regan
Nicknames and Emergency Room
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Posted 1/27/08

abel89 wrote:
Lewis Black
The end of the universe
End of the universe
It looks into the idiocy of people

From the beginning of time, man has looked at the heavens and firmly believed that the end of the universe ends out in space. It's not true. The end of the universe happens to be in the United States. I have seen it. And, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas...I know, I was shocked too... I left the comedy club there and walked down the street.

On one corner, there was a Starbucks. And across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, was a Starbucks. At first I thought the sun was playing tricks on my eyes. But, no. There was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. And that, my friends, is the end of the universe. People have said to me, 'how do you know?' And I say, 'go there. Stand between those two Starbucks and look at your watch. Time stands still.' And if you turn this way, and look at just this Starbucks, immediately you think, 'You know, There cannot possibly be a Starbucks behind me. Nobody would have been that stupid, to have built a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. And if there was a just and loving God, he wouldn't allow that kind of shit to go down!.' So you turn slowly, thinking, 'well, I'll see a Gap, or a Denny's, maybe even a Mobil Station... BUT THERE'S A STARBUCKS!'.

What do you think the man was thinking who stood in the empty lot, and looked acroos the street at the Starbucks that was already built, when he turned to his wife and kids, and said "you know, I have a vision, I'm gonna build a Starbucks across from a Starbucks", "why would you do that dad?, because it'll mean the end of the universe you little shit!". I've pondered long and hard, as to what kind of people would need that kind of service, a starbucks across from a starbucks, and there's only one group of people that comes to mind, people with Alzheimers, it has to be a group that can sit there and drink coffee, walk to the door and go, "you see what I see?, a starbucks, it's about time for a cup of Joe"



Darn you! You stole mine!! J/k - neway - end of the universe is my favorite too! The first time I heard it I fell off my couch and spent about 10 or so minutes rolling around on the floor laughing my ass off.
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29 / M / Australia
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Posted 1/27/08
dave chappelle and his stand up about weed lol
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26 / M / With in the light
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Posted 1/31/08
hmm too many
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