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Posted 3/25/08 , edited 3/25/08
I will put this up in parts, I am still writing this so it is a work in progrees tell me what you guys think ^_^

The beam of pure light shot from the end of the magnificently shaped wooden staff, the goblin turned to silvery grey dust heaped on the floor of the cave. The mages apprentice trod carefully toward the next cavern room, it was a dangerous mission considering it was only his first, yet he executed his spells and chants like a master.

The seventeen year-old Breton, only just managed to squeeze through the entrance exams for the Mages Academy, and was failing in most of his written exams. However despite his poor Magical Theory, his practical work of magic was something else. He was middle sized for his age, height and weight wise, with dark blue eyes. He had chosen back at the Academy, some thick black robes to help sneak upon his enemies however his wild blonde hair contradicted the idea and he stuck out like a sore thumb against the dull brown walls of the cave.

His staff, the beautifully crafted, family heirloom gleamed with power. The staff was made from dark oak only found in certain areas of the Great Forest and carried amazing power. The young apprentice was using a spell he had recently learnt, to light up the path ahead. He had learnt a lot lately, he had been attending after school lessons preparing him for this mission.

He had no idea of how long he had been stuck in the icy-cold caverns, zapping the enemy goblins to dust, but he knew it was well over three hours. Regardless he carried on, treading carefully, awaiting the next twitch of movement from one of his many deadly foes. It came all at once. The pair of well-armed goblins darted from a platform high above the inexperienced apprentice. Both of the goblins weapons had spikes of stone covering the entire wooden clubs. Being frantically swung at him, the mage had in seconds between life and death managed to cast a weak shield spell, however this gave him precious time to calculate his next and most vital move. Again the pure white light shot from the staff, shattering the protection shield and the opposing goblin nearest to the mage. The other goblin took the chance and pounded onto the mage, smashing him to the floor. The staff separating the mage and almost certain death was close to snapping. A wild urge of strength from the desperate youngster saw the goblin off, the window was un-missable and he shot the frantic beam towards the goblin. Dust was all that remained of the near death experience.

As he emerged into the next room he breathed a sigh of relief, as he knew the mission was complete, the shaman staff of a goblin mage was left, lying in the middle of the open room. A cosy fire, bed and table was all else in the room. Three potions on the table left still on the small table, the young mage couldn’t resist, and he packed the few potions into his cloth sack and strapped the shaman staff to his back.

The final stretch ahead and the shimmer of sunlight crept through the gaps around the wooden door, he picked up speed, running, sprinting almost flying down the last stretch of tunnelling, he burst through the door with a deafening cry of joy, as he flopped to the ground.
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Posted 3/25/08
It's interesting and good but I think you have to think of another way to introduce things rather then simply and repetitively using "the" for example;


The beam of pure light shot from the end of the magnificently shaped wooden staff, the goblin turned to silvery grey dust heaped on the floor of the cave. The mages apprentice trod carefully toward the next cavern room, it was a dangerous mission considering it was only his first, yet he executed his spells and chants like a master.


Might sound better like this:

A beam of pure light shot from the end of the magnificently shaped wooden staff, and the goblin turned to a pile of silvery grey dust heaped on the floor of the cave.

Breton, the mage's apprentice trod carefully toward the next cavern room, it was a dangerous mission considering it was only his first, yet he executed his spells and chants like a master.

Then when you go on to write more about the character the reader will know who you're talking about. Normally characters or elements are introduced by name in the first instance unless their identity is meant to be a mystery.

Also since you're building up imagery you might want to do into more detail about the colour of the beams of light/magic/whatever so the reader can create an accurate mental image.

I didn't want to say too much in case I was misunderstood and viewed as bitchy so I'll stop here. Though just want to mention on the off chance that you feel you have been attacked, you did ask for comments.
Posted 3/26/08

Phoenasia wrote:

It's interesting and good but I think you have to think of another way to introduce things rather then simply and repetitively using "the" for example;


The beam of pure light shot from the end of the magnificently shaped wooden staff, the goblin turned to silvery grey dust heaped on the floor of the cave. The mages apprentice trod carefully toward the next cavern room, it was a dangerous mission considering it was only his first, yet he executed his spells and chants like a master.


Might sound better like this:

A beam of pure light shot from the end of the magnificently shaped wooden staff, and the goblin turned to a pile of silvery grey dust heaped on the floor of the cave.

Breton, the mage's apprentice trod carefully toward the next cavern room, it was a dangerous mission considering it was only his first, yet he executed his spells and chants like a master.

Then when you go on to write more about the character the reader will know who you're talking about. Normally characters or elements are introduced by name in the first instance unless their identity is meant to be a mystery.

Also since you're building up imagery you might want to do into more detail about the colour of the beams of light/magic/whatever so the reader can create an accurate mental image.

I didn't want to say too much in case I was misunderstood and viewed as bitchy so I'll stop here. Though just want to mention on the off chance that you feel you have been attacked, you did ask for comments.


I agree with everything she said. ^.^
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Posted 3/27/08

Phoenasia wrote:

It's interesting and good but I think you have to think of another way to introduce things rather then simply and repetitively using "the" for example;


The beam of pure light shot from the end of the magnificently shaped wooden staff, the goblin turned to silvery grey dust heaped on the floor of the cave. The mages apprentice trod carefully toward the next cavern room, it was a dangerous mission considering it was only his first, yet he executed his spells and chants like a master.


Might sound better like this:

A beam of pure light shot from the end of the magnificently shaped wooden staff, and the goblin turned to a pile of silvery grey dust heaped on the floor of the cave.

Breton, the mage's apprentice trod carefully toward the next cavern room, it was a dangerous mission considering it was only his first, yet he executed his spells and chants like a master.

Then when you go on to write more about the character the reader will know who you're talking about. Normally characters or elements are introduced by name in the first instance unless their identity is meant to be a mystery.

Also since you're building up imagery you might want to do into more detail about the colour of the beams of light/magic/whatever so the reader can create an accurate mental image.

I didn't want to say too much in case I was misunderstood and viewed as bitchy so I'll stop here. Though just want to mention on the off chance that you feel you have been attacked, you did ask for comments.


Ok cool thanks, I like the first bit but Breton isnt his name Its the race... so I keep that as it is.. do you guys want to hear more??
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Posted 3/27/08

Kage-Warrior wrote:

Ok cool thanks, I like the first bit but Breton isnt his name Its the race... so I keep that as it is.. do you guys want to hear more??


Well in that case you should make that immediately obvious in you're story.
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23 / M / London-England
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Posted 3/27/08

Phoenasia wrote:


Kage-Warrior wrote:

Ok cool thanks, I like the first bit but Breton isnt his name Its the race... so I keep that as it is.. do you guys want to hear more??


Well in that case you should make that immediately obvious in you're story.


This, is a fan-fic ofa game, so the people I would normally write this for would understand. However can you just imagine it as Man rather than Breton.
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