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Posted 3/25/08 , edited 3/25/08
Its not too long at the moment, but it is still a work in progress. It is not in chapters but I will post where really a chapter should be Enjoy and dont forget constructive criticsm and comments :P


Part One


The beam of pure light shot from the end of the magnificently shaped wooden staff, the goblin turned to silvery grey dust heaped on the floor of the cave. The mages apprentice trod carefully toward the next cavern room, it was a dangerous mission considering it was only his first, yet he executed his spells and chants like a master.


The seventeen year-old Breton, only just managed to squeeze through the entrance exams for the Mages Academy, and was failing in most of his written exams. However despite his poor Magical Theory, his practical work of magic was something else. He was middle sized for his age, height and weight wise, with dark blue eyes. He had chosen back at the Academy, some thick black robes to help sneak upon his enemies however his wild blonde hair contradicted the idea and he stuck out like a sore thumb against the dull brown walls of the cave.


His staff, the beautifully crafted, family heirloom gleamed with power. The staff was made from dark oak only found in certain areas of the Great Forest and carried amazing power. The young apprentice was using a spell he had recently learnt, to light up the path ahead. He had learnt a lot lately, he had been attending after school lessons preparing him for this mission.


He had no idea of how long he had been stuck in the icy-cold caverns, zapping the enemy goblins to dust, but he knew it was well over three hours. Regardless he carried on, treading carefully, awaiting the next twitch of movement from one of his many deadly foes. It came all at once...


The pair of well-armed goblins darted from a platform high above the inexperienced apprentice. Both of the goblins weapons had spikes of stone covering the entire wooden clubs. Being frantically swung at him, the mage had in seconds between life and death managed to cast a weak shield spell, however this gave him precious time to calculate his next and most vital move. Again the pure white light shot from the staff, shattering the protection shield and the opposing goblin nearest to the mage. The other goblin took the chance and pounded onto the mage, smashing him to the floor. The staff separating the mage and almost certain death was close to snapping. A wild urge of strength from the desperate youngster saw the goblin off, the window was un-missable and he shot the frantic beam towards the goblin. Dust was all that remained of the near death experience.


As he emerged into the next room he breathed a sigh of relief, as he knew the mission was complete, the shaman staff of a goblin mage was left, lying in the middle of the open room. A cosy fire, bed and table was all else in the room. Three potions on the table left still on the small table, the young mage couldn’t resist, and he packed the few potions into his cloth sack and strapped the shaman staff to his back.


The final stretch ahead and the shimmer of sunlight crept through the gaps around the wooden door, he picked up speed, running, sprinting almost flying down the last stretch of tunnelling, he burst through the door with a deafening cry of joy, as he flopped to the ground.

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Posted 3/27/08
Anyone??
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Posted 3/27/08
I read it~ All the way through...I kept thinking of a lot of things...first thing: did something inspire you to write this? It sounds like something coming out of a video game or RPG (That's a good thing, by the way, i love these kind of stories.)
A bit more background information would be nice (E.G what world this is, country, Breton's history-this may be put in later)
But otherwise, you did a wonderful job~
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Posted 3/28/08

Bluesander wrote:

I read it~ All the way through...I kept thinking of a lot of things...first thing: did something inspire you to write this? It sounds like something coming out of a video game or RPG (That's a good thing, by the way, i love these kind of stories.)
A bit more background information would be nice (E.G what world this is, country, Breton's history-this may be put in later)
But otherwise, you did a wonderful job~


Hehe, genuis a game did inspire me to write this. However I am only using the place and character names... I have wirtten more and will be posting it up shortly, thanks for reading and especally for commenting...
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Posted 3/29/08
No Problem~! Mind i ask what game?
And please post more, i'll be happy to read and comment~
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Posted 3/29/08
its good. buuuutt iunno. it seems to lack in something. it just seems to be going too fast? maybe stretch it out and make it a bit longer, add in more action and descriptions? lol. i felt like i was being thrown into ur story too fast and its not a really smooth ride. but apart from that ur a good writer and im loving the story idea. ^--^ good luck!

xx
Posted 3/29/08
maybe lacking some chemistry references

other than that i love it~
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Posted 3/30/08
Cool cool guys here comes some more, three parts this time though...

Welcome, probably one of the nicest, ordinary greetings to hear when you enter a new school. This school however was neither nice nor ordinary and the new student was met with piercing glares from both teachers and pupils. Tall and muscular the new student trod carefully onward towards the headmasters quarters. Head down, he could just make out the muttered insults as his feet padded across the stone floor. The door shut firmly eliminated the nightmare of hi fellow students and the deep stare of the headmasters grey eyes, was fixed upon the new students bowed head. Brief words were, unenthusiastically thrown at the new student, before he was given his room key and sent off with only a map. A hut, outside, was all that was available. A small wooden bed with cloth sheets, a small round table with few plates and cups sat on top, a chest of drawers that could fit barely a cloth shirt and the new student were all that occupied the cupboard sized hut.

Medium length, loose, messy dark hair, sprawled across the solid pillow, and the dark green eyes stared up at the rotting wood ceiling before a crow bellowed from high in the peak of a tree, and startled the student. A black mist covered the new students eyes and he drifted into a deep sleep.

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A day, maybe two, the apprentice was unsure of the time he had been there, he stretched reaching out as far as his arms would go before collapsing onto his back. It was a beautiful day, a bright blue sky with minimum cloud, covered all his yes could see; he lay there gazing up, watching the path of two white doves flutter at what seemed a million miles in the air, chasing one another in turn. He thought about it, ducking, diving, twisting, turning in what seemed like an endless chase.


He struggled pushing himself to get up, straining to reach his own two feet and march onwards toward the academy. The grass was wet; it must have been early morning as there was no sign of rain, the birds were wildly chattering and twittering high in the trees above him, singing their songs, the Imperial City, stood bold in the middle of Lake Rumare, the great stone city with the sun glazing behind it was a magnificent sight, the young apprentice, sat on a nearby rock and took a swig of water from the small brown flask.


The great oak doors were heaved open, and the monstrous atmosphere was unleashed upon the apprentice. Tradesmen and women shouted to advertise and sell their goods, horses and carts paraded the city, the great palace stood high above the market place, shining in the bright sunlight. Struggling the young apprentice pushed and shoved his way through the packed streets, he finally broke free entering the garden area, it was quiet now with the rushing of the marketplace behind him.
The rusted iron gets to the academy were left open as the young apprentice strolled through, the first to notice him was one of his magical theory teachers. The teacher congratulated him and sent him on to the head mage.


He exchanged the goblin shaman staff for a great bag filled to the brim with gold was handed to the apprentice, along with a certificate:

Certificate Of Commendation

Kai-Lan

Well done and keep up the good work




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Hawk-like brown eyes swivelled round, concealed from the deer’s view, the shady hunter, pulled back the string on his bow. The young deer after a brief spasm, fell desperately to the grassy ground, the hunter jumped from the bush and leapt onto the deer and with a swift snap, broke its neck.


The burning wood was throwing a thick trail of smoke into the air, spit roasting, the deer twisted over and over cooking on the bright flame.

Ryuzaki, the 30-year-old hunter slept comfortably in the woollen bedroll. The sweet smell of roast deer crept up his nostrils, and awoke him from the peaceful dream. The trickle of running water and the light breeze was a lovely feeling for Ryu, he stretched and wriggled his way out of the warm, soft bedroll. Poking the deer with the iron rod, he knew it was ready.
Delicious, the roasted deer melted in Ryuzaki’s mouth, fulfilling his taste buds with their wildest dreams. The deer lasted only 10 minutes, before being taken and dumped in the nearby lake. The maple wood bow, lay resting up against a sack full of food, it was an old hand crafted bow, covered in chips and dents. Ryu could see his precious companion as he breached the top of the hill.


A rustle, a grunt and a flying leap, a dark brown boar with mammoth sized tusks flew from a nearby bush. Ryu threw himself to floor narrowly avoiding the half tonne beast. As the beast screeched to a halt, Ryu scrambled to his feet. A desperate dash reunited the alliance of man and bow. The beast once again darted for Ryu, hit, with a blast of air, Ryu had had enough near misses and feared the next move would hit. He fled running as fast as physically possible; the boar nearing him on each step, lowered its head.


It hurt, he had slammed right into the side, the Guard mounted atop the horse peered down in disgust at the hunter, the boar, still furiously sprinting was fast approaching the crowd of guards. Ryu, without thinking, smashed the guard in the face; startled the guard fell from the horse and hit the stone floor with a clang. Ryu acrobatically leaped on and started the horse flying, dropping his precious bow in the process. Other guards, bewildered by the recent events, took a few seconds before chasing the runaway hunter. The fallen guard drew his sword and was forced to face the boar himself.


Ryu had chosen the best horse and was quickly losing the other guards. He took a quick turn and darted off along what he knew as the Red Ring Road still immersed in the Great Forest. A great steel gate, was left open ahead, a sign ‘Young Warriors Academy’. As Ryu entered the academy, the guards were out of sight, and he leapt from the horse and entered the school on foot. A hut, in the distance appealed to Ryu, he broke into a sprint, and reached the small cabin after a few seconds.
No windows, he rushed straight for the door. The guards, now at the main gate had spotted him. Furious, Ryu rushed inside. A young boy that could have only been sixteen or so lay asleep in the rough bed. It looked uncomfortable, which Ryu used as an excuse to wake the young warrior.


Alert, but still half asleep, the young warrior was startled by his sudden awakening, and immediately questioned Ryu. Ignored, Ryu cared only for a weapon. The short steel katana was pointed to, Ryu rushed to it, weighing it in his right hand, switching it to his left, Ryu rushed outside to greet the two guards.


Both guards, with swords in hand, began toward Ryu. Watching from the safe position of the doorway, the young warrior stared, in awe of what was happening. Ryu, ducking from the first swing, twisted and slammed the short sword into one of the guard’s lower stomach. Blood squirted onto Ryu’s unshaven face and into his mouth; he spat the guard’s blood to the floor. Turning and screaming he sliced the second guards legs clean off. Twisting, wriggling, squirming, the legless guard, screamed in sheer pain. Blood, pouring rapidly from the wound, spread through the grass infiltrating every blade of it. With one swift downward stroke the screaming stopped, the severed head rolled a hands distance from the guard’s mutilated body.

Khyler, the young warrior, had helped Ryu, carry the bodies into the Great Forest. He was utterly bewildered by what had happened. The guards uniform was stripped from them, along with weapons and money, and shared between Ryu and Khyler. Khyler was relaxing now and had made Ryu, a hot mug of tea. Ryu wondered how he got into such a mess, with now maybe a bounty of 3000 gold. He wondered whether he should go back to his camp and get his bow or whether the third guard would still be there. He politely asked Khyler if he could sleep the night on the wooden cabin floor.

It would have been awkward for Khyler to refuse after what had just happened. Gently rising up and down, Khyler found himself starring at the messy hunter. It wasn’t long before the young warrior himself had drifted off and was gently bobbing.

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Posted 3/30/08
Oh yeh and its The Elder Scrolls 4 Oblivion... Best game ever!
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Posted 3/31/08
It's good.
The writing itself is great, detailed and provides an excellent story.
The constant change in characters, however, does not.
It might be nice for the reader's convenience to just list the characters out and give a brief description of each one.
Anyways, keep posting~!
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Posted 4/6/08
That will develop as we go on, I like to leave a little suspense and intorduce the charactars slowly... more for you...

Rising, falling, rising, falling. Midnight, Kai slept well in his new dormitory. After the first mission students at the Mages Academy were given a room all to themselves in the massive school.

A creaking was all it took to wake him, his best friend standing over him. A whisper of words caught Kai’s attention. A new adventure played on his mind. He pulled off his covers, as Hayate left thee room and wandered over to the huge wardrobe in the corner of the room. Banners hung from the wall, dark blue with the magician’s emblem. The wooden floor recently polished, reflected the bright chandelier light that was forced upon it. The neat table stood central in the room, packed with plates, cups and cutlery. The bowl of fruit stood in the middle of the table and was crammed with elegant looking fruit balanced inside. The wardrobe contained few clothes. Robes were all that the giant cupboard held, three of different colours and one for special occasions. A soft silk sack, lay resting up against one of the table legs.


With two robes and few pieces of fruit packed in to the neat sack, Kai left the comfort of his dorm room. The hallway was well lit, with five bright chandeliers illuminating the corridor, the weapon stand stood next to Hayate. The dark oak staff waited patiently for Kai’s grasp, and with the two now reunited Kai and Hayate set off through the corridor.


A professor out patrolling the twisting corridors of the academy had heard the two boys whispering and was out ready to catch them. But the boys were one step ahead, both boys’ staves at the ready, watched and waited as the poor sighted professor wandered down the hall. A shoot of darkness fired from the end of Hayate’s staff. The professor, fell silently to the floor.
The feather spell had shocked the professor, and he was trapped paralysed. It was a new spell that Hayate had learned especially for the occasion. The ground keys were removed from the professor’s robe pocket. The boys continued on through the school without another disturbance.


The Imperial City at night is a scary place, guards patrolling are the only thing protecting you from a brutal fight, and even death. The shadows hid some of the most hideous criminals, The Grey Fox to name one of the worst, was one of the most known thieves in Cyrodill. Staves in hands the two boys crept through the city. A nearby guard noticed them, left his post and marched over to the two boys. He asked them where they were from, what they were doing and why. A bright white light illuminated the street for a few seconds, as the guard was shocked to oblivion.


The cities main gate stood bellowing over the two mages, bedazzled they creaked open the monstrous doors. The owner of the stables was perched in her chair, rocking forward and backward, asleep, given away by the loud snoring noise, the two boys crept past the stable owner with delicate stealth. The dark brown mule stood, head buried in the rustling haystack. It was huge, Kai had never ridden a horse before, and he was heavily reliant on Hayate in this part of the adventure. The horse exhorted a quiet whinny as the boys approached it, saddled up already the boys were in luck, Hayate mounted first, climbing upon to the leather saddle. A helping hand was lowered to Kai as he struggled to balance on the light brown, wooden fence. As the last wobbly foot left the wood Kai realised he was sat upon the horse.


The bright moonlight lit the path ahead horse, Hayate guiding it was an expert horse handler, he had grown up on a farm, with animals surrounding him, however above any other his bond with horses was a strong one. Kai trusted him as they rode silently along the dark cobble pathway. The steady beating of hooves reassured Kai, but as they slowed he already knew something was wrong.


Heavy breathing. The iron tipped arrow had been shot brutally through Hayate’s neck, his head wobbling roughly on his neck uncontrollably. The thick group of bandits leapt randomly from bushes, down from trees and crawled from behind rocks. Kai, now alert, was suddenly approached by the fur-covered barbarians; the horse whinnied in the silent nighttime scene, as what seemed the leader stroked its soft mane. The shine reflected from the dagger, glinting into Kai’s eye, as he was dragged from the horse with little effort. He sat, propped against a nearby rock while the Bandits raided Hayate’s corpse.


Finished, the leader, followed by his now rowdy horde, paced over to Kai, the dagger gleaming delicately in the shine of the moon. Kai thought to himself about how something so beautiful could be so brutal. Struck down in one vicious swish, the clan of savages began to laugh amongst themselves. Hidden from view the layer of feint orange light had broken the possibility of contact between Kai’s gut and the dagger.


Inner magic exploded from deep inside Kai, emerging with limitless power, the pure with light shot from all parts of Kai, blowing the bandits to smithereens. The power flowed unstoppably through Kai, uncontrollable. Thunder flew from his fingers, balls of pure magic from his palms and his whole body burst to a flame engulfing the remaining bandits. The aftermath was horrific, scattered around the edges of the road were, bodies, burnt to a crisp by the sheer power of the young mage.

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Posted 4/7/08
Your writing is detailed and explicit but ever more confusing~
You have all these characters...are you planning to have them all meet~?
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Posted 4/8/08
Yep and isnt it only 3
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