Created by HeavensGoddess
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Which Poem Do You Like Better?
Posted 4/6/08
Like a bird *great poem u got there*
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Posted 4/6/08

zenchaos wrote:

Shadow..

The title is somewhat..


somewhat..........._______________________?
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22 / Canada
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Posted 4/6/08

rukiaXichigo wrote:

Like a bird *great poem u got there*


thnxies ^^
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24 / F / canada
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Posted 4/7/08
i like the shadow and like a bird there really good hope you make more poems because your good at it
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29 / F / with brandon boyd
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Posted 4/7/08
Like a Bird
-bad punctuations lead to bad sentences lead to bad idea formation
-whereas not where as
-"I am locked" makes no sense (I get the locked, trapped in a cage thing but on its own “I am locked” sounds stupid. Try switching the locked and trapped. I am trapped sounds better than I am locked.)
-"sit" can be deleted, to "sit and watch" in your dramatic poem sounds… it just sounds bad
-“flutter” in the last part is not a strong enough word for the action/ flight one prepares to take at his/her moment of freedom (especially if this freedom is highly coveted.) in other words, “flutter” is a weak word, weak conclusion.

Ink
-??? emmm

Shadow
-line 2 is weird for all reasons possible
-the whole bit is weird for me. I think that you might have possibly thought of the last two lines first (or that was your main idea) and built the rest of the poem from there. the result is skewed, forced lines and words.
-the last two lines then are pretty good, but the rest arent at par.

The criticisms/ suggestions above are all on the technical side... well mostly on the technical side (well for me anyway). all in all, average in terms of technicality. avoid being overdramatic in what you're trying to say. that is to say poems are emotional enough in themselves, there is no need to be maudlin. poems should appeal to one's intellect as well to one's feelings. fancy words thrown into a sentence together do not make a poem. i think you have a certain inclination towards capturing or drawing out images. and thats real good i think.

The content on the other hand, i think, is pretty good. you have certain ideas that connect well with people. however i cannot say this is the first time i've read poems like yours, if you know what i mean. so i think keep developing your ideas and your writing.

Please do not feel that i am insulting you or your poems. who knows what you might feel with what ive written. but just take everything with a grain of salt. this is just one way that another person might view your work.
Posted 4/7/08

HeavensGoddess wrote:


rukiaXichigo wrote:

Like a bird *great poem u got there*


thnxies ^^


u welcome!! =D
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22 / F / Kota Kinabalu, Sa...
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Posted 4/7/08
nice! ^^ i like the shadow. they have nice title too! ^^
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22 / F / Philippines
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Posted 4/7/08
nice poems..i like shadow..it's okay..but it's not..^-^
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22 / Canada
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Posted 4/7/08
Thnx!!! Hehe..... I was waiting for some constructive critism..... I'll try and do beter next time :blush:u wrote a lot by the way.... Guess u really want to help me^^

magickabute wrote:

Like a Bird
-bad punctuations lead to bad sentences lead to bad idea formation
-whereas not where as
-"I am locked" makes no sense (I get the locaked, trapped in a cage thing but on its own “I am locked” sounds stupid. Try switching the locked and trapped. I am trapped sounds better than I am locked.)
-"sit" can be deleted, to "sit and watch" in your dramatic poem sounds… it just sounds bad
-“flutter” in the last part is not a strong enough word for the action/ flight one prepares to take at his/her moment of freedom (especially if this freedom is highly coveted.) in other words, “flutter” is a weak word, weak conclusion.

Ink
-??? emmm

Shadow
-line 2 is weird for all reasons possible
-the whole bit is weird for me. I think that you might have possibly thought of the last two lines first (or that was your main idea) and built the rest of the poem from there. the result is skewed, forced lines and words.
-the last two lines then are pretty good, but the rest arent at par.

The criticisms/ suggestions above are all on the technical side... well mostly on the technical side (well for me anyway). all in all, average in terms of technicality. avoid being overdramatic in what you're trying to say. that is to say poems are emotional enough in themselves, there is no need to be maudlin. poems should appeal to one's intellect as well to one's feelings. fancy words thrown into a sentence together do not make a poem. i think you have a certain inclination towards capturing or drawing out images. and thats real good i think.

The content on the other hand, i think, is pretty good. you have certain ideas that connect well with people. however i cannot say this is the first time i've read poems like yours, if you know what i mean. so i think keep developing your ideas and your writing.

Please do not feel that i am insulting you or your poems. who knows what you might feel with what ive written. but just take everything with a grain of salt. this is just one way that another person might view your work.


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76 / F / California
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Posted 4/7/08
I like "Like a Bird". I think it's really pretty ^^
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25 / F / Earth
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Posted 4/11/08
it'd be a tie with like a bird and shadow. both awesome x]
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29 / Ivalice
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Posted 4/11/08
like a bird
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27 / F / cali
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Posted 4/11/08

HeavensGoddess wrote:

Like a Bird

I wish I could be like you.
You know only freedom,
where as I am locked,
trapped in a cage that deprives me of my freedom.
I can only sit and watch you,
soaring in the midnight sky and
gliding in the rising sun,
while I am waiting,
waiting for someone to open my cage,
waiting for my wings to flutter and like you,
be free.

Ink


When the ink is spilled,
It cannot be erased,
It cannot be undone,
You cannot change the hands of time.
Covering it up and hiding it won't change the fact that it’s there.
And it waits, temptingly awaits to those oblivious around it,
When, one day, it draws attention to the perceiving eyes of man,
a little seed of question sprouts.
"What is underneath this mask, this facade?"
Ink?

Shadow

A rude remark, you turn away,
A slap in the face, you keep your mind at bay.
“It’s okay, it’s okay”
But – it’s not okay.
Silently, you quiver in fear,
Waiting for the pain to disappear,
And your breath comes out in short gasps,
Because it’s your sanity you cannot grasp.
Huddled in a corner trapped with agony,
Realizing, you’re only your shadow,
A figure of what you used to be.


NO STEALING!!!! (even though they r bad >.<)


words expressed from feelings are never ever "bad".
don't ever underestimate yourself!

I really enjoy reading other people's work and although I may not understand what they feel as they are writing it, I could never judge it. And I really enjoyed reading your poems-- keep writing
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21 / F / L.A.
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Posted 4/11/08
I like like a bird then ink
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