You're Killing Me Inside (PLEASE COMMENT)
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Posted 4/12/08
I'm hiding behind the shadows,
this life I can't escape.
This sharp, beautiful knife,
is just the thing I need.
I shudder at the thought of you,
hoping you'll disappear.
but you stand there,
without doubt, without soul...
breathing in my ear.

Whispers... all around me.
Lies in every direction.
Surrounding me, isolating me,
lies are suffocating me.

I can't breathe,
through this dirty air.
My blackened face,
with running tears...
Only to express my fears.
I'm coser to the edge,
everytime you say my name.
This sharp, beautiful knife,
I watch the blood trickle down my neck.
Please save me from hell,
you demond I can't withold.
My soul you have sold.
Now you've left it here to die.
and my breathe is shortening,
blood running..
eyes closing..
heart... stopping
It all just fades to black.
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23 / M / ontheotherside
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Posted 4/12/08
wow.. thats deep... nice use of words, it COULD be a song perhaps....
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24 / M
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Posted 4/13/08

simplistic_paranoia wrote:

I'm hiding behind the shadows,
this life I can't escape.
This sharp, beautiful knife,
is just the thing I need.
I shudder at the thought of you,
hoping you'll disappear.
but you stand there,
without doubt, without soul...
breathing in my ear.

Whispers... all around me.
Lies in every direction.
Surrounding me, isolating me,
lies are suffocating me.

I can't breathe,
through this dirty air.
My blackened face,
with running tears...
Only to express my fears.
I'm coser to the edge,
everytime you say my name.
This sharp, beautiful knife,
I watch the blood trickle down my neck.
Please save me from hell,
you demond I can't withold.
My soul you have sold.
Now you've left it here to die.
and my breathe is shortening,
blood running..
eyes closing..
heart... stopping
It all just fades to black.


U should talk with Evanescence. Ths would definitely make a great song. Great job sis^^
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23 / M / Tulsa Ok
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Posted 4/13/08
wow thats wierd because as i was reading it reminded me of Evanescence. i love it
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Posted 4/26/08
thats cool I love evanescence... never thought I could be compared to her though
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27 / F / Here and there
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Posted 5/8/08
Sorry, I'm not able to compare it to music like the others since I don't actually listen to it. For some reason I have no interest in music. However I do believe that you have strong visualizations, and I do love how you gave the knife itself a life of it's own, and it seems to be a servant of some sort of hidden figure. I got the feeling that the hidden figure was close to you, since that person was able to sell your soul. You do have a couple of minor spelling errors for instance you forgot the "l" in closer, and you replaced the "a" in demand. Don't worry to much about it though, you still seem to get your point across. Now for the line "I watch the blood trickle down my neck" I was not able to see how that was possible. As far as the visualizations, it seemed like you were watching from your own body, and there was no mention of reflective surfaces. I can see you feeling it, but not watching it. But overall, it was very well written.
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28 / M / California, US
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Posted 5/10/08
thats a nice poem, pretty deep of a poem with nice details in the poem and structured well too. nice poem though its dark its still nice .
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Posted 5/10/08
thank you and btw, there was a reflective surface, but also I felt as though my soul had escaped to watch it. so yea.. srry for the confusion
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