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General Jokes Thread
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29 / M / US
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Posted 5/4/07 , edited 4/13/08
I'd like to see someone turn this into a joke thats tellable. From miss congeniality 2.

Mom: Stan loved the slots. (sounds like sluts)
Hart: The sluts?
Mom: The slots.
Hart: The sluts?
Mom: The slot machines.
Hart: Ooohhh, the slot machines!
Posted 5/4/07 , edited 4/13/08
i can make that work.

filipino accents can make any crappy joke work.
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Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
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26 / F / I live in england...
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Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

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Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Sh*t! From way back here I thought you said 'Goats'."
Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
you might be a redneck if youve ever had sex in a satellite dish.
you might be a redneck if youve ever stopped on the side of the road so your grandma could take a piss.
you might be a redneck if you thought a volvo was a part of a woman's anatomy.
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Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
Why don't you make like a Tom... and Cruise


Why don't you make like a Tree... and get the hell outta here!
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Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own.

This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings. As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem.

It allowed as to how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn. Their response was, "Don't scurry, be hoppy."
Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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31 / M / Washington
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Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
ahh...

WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?

WHO CARES! WHY WAS SHE OUT OF THE KITCHEN!?


sexist joke number 2

A WIFES WATCH BROKE.

WHY DIDNT THE HUSBAND FIX IT? BECAUSE THEIR WAS A BUILT IN CLOCK ON THE STOVE.


eh...anyways... Bringing Naruto into a fat joke... FUN STUFF THAT! :P

ok.. il give one for women... its not that good...perhapps thats why im giving it freely

A WOMAN WITH A HUSBAND IS LIKE A FISH WITH A BICYCLE


thier...see.....
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Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

“Want some of this?” she purred.

“Are you kidding?”, he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear!”
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Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”

“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.

“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”

“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.

“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for almost two years!”
Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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Posted 6/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
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Posted 6/9/07 , edited 4/13/08
^ wow that made me laugh really hard

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee."

no offense to any blonds


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