Post Reply Borderline
42 cr points
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27 / M
Posted 4/16/08
I sit quietly on this cold floor,
awake, asleep, not entirely sure.
Staring blankly outside the window,
staring at the life I never got to know.

Each night, dark whispers
echo down the hall.
Their sweet melody grips my mind
tightly. I stay ensnared within their deadly spell.

Voices play within my head.
Within my mind they shout at me.
I try to shut them up,
but my efforts were left futile.

Here she is again
entering my white lonesome room.
Carrying a tray of medicines,
I drink them and fall to a dreamless sleep.

My hands are bound now
by this white jacket.
How many days had pass?
How long still must I suffer inside this nightmare...

Doctors come and go,
observing me like a fish in a tank.
Quietly speaking to themselves,
they look at me with pity and with a hint of fear.

I sit quietly on this cold floor,
listening intently on each tick of the clock.
Within my mind I slowly cross
the border that separates reality from insanity...
--pls give some feedback negative or positive i don't care just give me feedback
1977 cr points
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25 / M / Tulsa Ok
Posted 4/16/08
i think u should have stuck with the rhyme scheme you had at the beginning. but and it just sounds so great when read out loud .good work
27538 cr points
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26 / M
Posted 4/16/08
rhyme scheme could use work but then again it took me a while 2 get in the habit. try using this scheme. i kind of came up with it myself and its been real easy to follow. its abcb, defe, ghih, jklk and so on. its helped me a lot. nice work on the whole poem itself though.
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