Post Reply the long haired girl
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Posted 4/26/08
I'm not that good but I'll try
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Posted 4/26/08
"the long haired girl"
Once upon a time there lived a little girl with long hair and she was loved by the people of her town and hated by her family,and every morning she would prepare break fast and wakes every family member.On the after noon she would clean the whole house and usually her brothers would mess the things in the house and then blames her for the deeds she has not commit and therefore she is punished by beating her half to death.in the evening she would get beaten again for no reason and she would cry her self to sleep in the basement.

One night when she was crying her sleep in the basement she heard a cold voice say "come child,come to me and I shall help you set you free"." who said that?" asked the girl while looking around to see if any on was there."never mind child but tell me why are you crying every night ?"replied the cold voice.' it's because of my family they treat me like I was nothing to them! ,TELL ME WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS!"said teh girl and started to cry."don't worry my child I will help you".And so the cold voice started currupt her and telling her that her family does not deserve her love.

A month has passed since she lived in the basement only her though vengence is the only thing keeping her alive and one night she came out unoticed with a cleaver that she took out from teh kitchen. As she entered where the two brothers were sleeping she smiled and quickly slaughtered them with on remorse as blood stained her dress.And finally she went to her parents bed room she spoke in a gentle voice "mother,father wake up ".as they stood up she suddenlly said sweety "time to die "as she held her cleaver close to her chest.The parents were shock to see yjeir daughter covered in blood, they became nervous and the father was reaching for his gun but before he could act she rushed in front of him and stabbed him in the chest teh mother gave a loud cry but after that she could feel the blood gushing out of her body. As day broke she saw the rising sun and there she felt good.

THE END.
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Posted 4/26/08 , edited 4/26/08
Not that instrsting. First of all, if this is a short story, you need to make the storyline cleaner. Or should i say....., like goldly lock. Anyways, this story doesn't give must reason to make the reader to hate those whom been killed. Instead, i just make the one that kill them, hated more (The girl).

So i'm saying is that. The story isn't that good, so have give it a 2 rating.
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Posted 4/26/08

lirg123 wrote:

Not that instrsting. First of all, if this is a short story, you need to make the storyline cleaner. Or should i say....., like goldly lock. Anyways, this story doesn't give must reason to make the reader to hate those whom been killed. Instead, i just make the one that kill them, hated more (The girl).

So i'm saying is that. The story isn't that good, so have give it a 2 rating.


thank you for your honest judgment
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Posted 4/26/08

lirg123 wrote:

Not that instrsting. First of all, if this is a short story, you need to make the storyline cleaner. Or should i say....., like goldly lock. Anyways, this story doesn't give must reason to make the reader to hate those whom been killed. Instead, i just make the one that kill them, hated more (The girl).

So i'm saying is that. The story isn't that good, so have give it a 2 rating.


that was a story that I made in high school hahahahaha but I'll improve thanks ne
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Posted 4/27/08
hay nku kevin.... you made me a story ryt?? about me?? nung 3rd yr tyo?? post it here too..then i'll read it..
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Posted 4/28/08
ok ne I'll try
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