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Posted 5/6/08
well ive decide to add daily jokes (almost daily) Y?? i dont really no...just got bored and decided to look up jokes...
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lipstick
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Hi, Welcome to Walmart! Can you imagine?????


The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ..... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say,
"Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
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Posted 5/6/08 , edited 5/6/08
this joke is not for anyone under the age of 15-16

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January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......
Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours .. Power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
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EXPOSURE A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out." He says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: ! Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Posted 5/6/08
Again ages 16+ for this joke
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Posted 5/6/08
16+
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Posted 5/6/08 , edited 5/8/08
The difference

The 1st man had married an Asian woman

and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.






The 2nd man had married a White woman.


He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.






The 3rd man married a Black woman.

He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didn't' see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough t o fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.



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