Post Reply Shibuya Mai
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Posted 5/17/08 , edited 5/21/08
konnichiwa minna...
mizu desu
yoroshiku...

i have this story... hunting me...
it has no title yet... dont even know how to write it...
just thought i might interest you... and encourage me to write it...
oh... and this is not ghosthunt fan fic... i just like the name..




obviously... just the first part...
comments, criticisms are welcome...

arigato...
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Posted 5/17/08
I have 2 criticisms:
1) I had a hard time figuring out who was saying what...a little more speech indication (i.e. "Renji smiled" or "Mai said grimly.")
2)A little bit less random dialogue and bit more narration would be nice. So longer sentences...maybe... Right now, the story sounds more like a rpg...

Other than that, keep writing~ The more you write, the better~^^ I hope to read more!
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Posted 5/17/08 , edited 5/17/08
I have to agree with Bluesander. As an amateur writer it is a good goal to be as descriptive as possible. The rare times that I do write, I make it my goal. You really can't go wrong with good descriptions.

It's good that you are brave enough to use sentence fragments, but they are effective only when mixed with longer length sentences. Example:

Before: Richard turned the corner. His longsword was in one hand. A torch was in the other. His eyes surveyed the street. Strange. All the bodies were gone. He looked closer. There were trails of gore leading away from the pyre.
After: Richard turned the corner, longsword in one hand and torch in the other. His eyes surveyed the street. Strange. All the bodies were gone. Looking closer, he found there were trails of gore leading away from the pyre.

Another Example(ill get an excerpt from your story)
Before: Mariko continues packing her things. Notebooks. Pens . Half annoyed.
Ran is seated across the table. Puts the magazine in her bag. Eying mariko.
After(sry, some of it is ambiguous): Half annoyed, Mariko continues packing her things. The notebooks and pens go away. Then the magazine. From across the table, Ran eyes her.

Kind of see how I moved things around? It's a bit hard for me to do it to other people's work, since I just do it automatically when I write my own stuff. Plus I had a hard time making bad sentences. XP

Ninja Edit: (PS: Writing is just like anything else, it takes practice. Each time you sit down to write a story, set a goal for the next few paragraphs, chapter, ect. Like "I will not write a fight scene for the next 5000 words." Or "These next few paragraphs will be 100% grammatically correct."
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Posted 5/21/08 , edited 5/21/08

Bluesander wrote:

I have 2 criticisms:
1) I had a hard time figuring out who was saying what...a little more speech indication (i.e. "Renji smiled" or "Mai said grimly.")
2)A little bit less random dialogue and bit more narration would be nice. So longer sentences...maybe... Right now, the story sounds more like a rpg...

Other than that, keep writing~ The more you write, the better~^^ I hope to read more!


oh... thanks for your time reading it... and um... i'm sorry you had a hard time understanding it...
i didn't think it was hard to understand... who's talking that is...
i guess its because i have a clear idea who's saying who... i'm the writter dakara...


appreciate the comment
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Posted 5/21/08 , edited 5/21/08

Fontong wrote:

I have to agree with Bluesander. As an amateur writer it is a good goal to be as descriptive as possible. The rare times that I do write, I make it my goal. You really can't go wrong with good descriptions.

It's good that you are brave enough to use sentence fragments, but they are effective only when mixed with longer length sentences. Example:

Before: Richard turned the corner. His longsword was in one hand. A torch was in the other. His eyes surveyed the street. Strange. All the bodies were gone. He looked closer. There were trails of gore leading away from the pyre.
After: Richard turned the corner, longsword in one hand and torch in the other. His eyes surveyed the street. Strange. All the bodies were gone. Looking closer, he found there were trails of gore leading away from the pyre.

Another Example(ill get an excerpt from your story)
Before: Mariko continues packing her things. Notebooks. Pens . Half annoyed.
Ran is seated across the table. Puts the magazine in her bag. Eying mariko.
After(sry, some of it is ambiguous): Half annoyed, Mariko continues packing her things. The notebooks and pens go away. Then the magazine. From across the table, Ran eyes her.

Kind of see how I moved things around? It's a bit hard for me to do it to other people's work, since I just do it automatically when I write my own stuff. Plus I had a hard time making bad sentences.


oh... three people telling the same thing....
i guess it does seriously lack description... i was trying to tell a story using few words... a minimalist writing style i guess...
obviously can't get away with it...

thanks for the time reading it... appreciate the comment...
i'll try to write the next part bearing your comments in mind.... arigato...
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