First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
Post Reply hey this is my story plz add me and tell me what you think of it
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/21/08 , edited 5/22/08
Chapter 1
zoey is an ordinary 13 year old girl that’s very talented with an awesome adventure waiting for her. She had just moved to heart lake city she was transfer to heart lake school. She came from Paris along with her mother her first day in heart lake city she went to explore on her bike she though the city was beautiful. Suddenly her cell phone rang it was her mom
"huny it time to come back you need to help me unpack and you need to eat" said zoey's mom
"ok mom I am just going to check out the school and see if my transfer was ok" said zoey
“alright huny just hurry and be careful” said her mother
So she went to see her new school. She went to the principal’s office everything was good for her.
She was able to transfer to the school even if she hadn’t started the first day of school she was starting
on the second quarter she was accepted because she had good grades and was very smart.
So after finishing talking with the principal she got out said goodbye her phone rang it was her mother again
when she answered it was the same thing
“come home” her mother said
“ok I am going” then she hung up the phone and not looking she bumped into someone and they fell
“ouch… don’t you watch were your going” said zoey then she heard a voice of a young boy
“I think the word you’re looking for is sorry” said the boy
zoey looked up and saw a boy the first thing that popped up in her head was
“this guy is cute” the boy stood up zoey looked at him then she saw his hand so she grabbed it
“thanks and your right sorry…my names zoey nice to meet you” said zoey
“I am mark nice to meet you to and its ok I wasn’t watching were I was going either” said mark
“yea me too, so do you go to this school ? ” asked zoey
“ umm… yea I do...how about you I don’t think I seen you here” said mark
“ umm… yea I just moved from Paris” responded zoey looking at his eyes
“really you don’t sound like you came from Paris” said mark
“yea not many people have privet tutors over there” said zoey
“oh so you learned English” said mark giving her a confused mistake
“no it was a joke I know English my mom and me where over on a
buniess trip for her job but she decided to come here to Japan and live
her now I just love it here even if it’s my first day since a long time it’s just so beautiful” said zoey looking around they school
END OF PART 1



plz leave a comment telling me wat you think when your done reading it
Writer
27492 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / F
Offline
Posted 5/21/08
i still love it <3
Editor
2926 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Canada
Offline
Posted 5/21/08
. . . i think it's nice but you don't enough adjectives and don't describe the characters and the setting as much. And also you have too many spelling mistakes, you need to fix those. But it sounds so cute. I can't wait till chapter 3 though. Keep up the good work. Just fix the things I told you about. If not PM me for more advice on stories. Cuz i don't wanna write a whole paragraph (or more <_<;) that resembles more to a chapter than a paragraph. ;P But it really does sound cute.
Writer
824 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / F / America
Offline
Posted 5/21/08
its nice but really predictable
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/22/08 , edited 5/22/08
“ have you seen the whole town or school” asked mark looking at zoey
"um I seen some of the town but not all of it and I haven’t seen the school” responded zoey
“would you like a tour” asked mark
“ umm yea but just the school because I really need to get home” responded zoey
“ok on one condition”
“on what?”
“that you let me walk you home and take you out to see the town tomorrow l”
“you mean like a date”
“well you could call it that”
“umm… well ok then” “would you like a tour of the school now? ”
“Yea sure”
“ok lets go”
they went to see the school mostly zoey classes and the important places of the school.
They had the same classes the time went by zoey didn’t notice an hour had passed as
she saw the clock it was 5:47
“I can’t believe it the time went by so fast"
"do you need to go home?"
"yea my mom I so going to kill me now"
"ok well lets go ill take u home where do you live"
" umm 2314 Lakewood street"
"it’s by the lake then I know I short cut if your want to go through it"
"really you do then let’s go I’m going to own u one for this"
so they left the school they took the shortcut through these trees the place
look liked a forest zoey thought it still look pretty nice but also kind of creepy zoey
was looking around she saw mark walking in front of her then she got a little scared
when she heard a sound in the forest out of nowhere
END OF PART 2
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/22/08 , edited 5/22/08
"what was that mark” zoey said
suddenly holding on to marks arm
“it’s just an owl you don’t have to get scared"
"ohh okay"
"you know your stronger than you look"
"why do you say that"
"because your squishing my arm"
"ohh I’m sorry I got a little scared" said zoey leting go of his warm arm
"its ok you can hold on to me if you’re scared"
"no its ok I’ll be fine" suddenly they heard the noise again
"ok I guess I can hold on to you"dont worry were almost out of here"
"ohh ok" as they were walking zoey didn't see where she was walking and tripped
"ahh"
"I got you zoey" mark tried to catch her but he fell down too mark fell on top of zoey
"ouch that hurt"
"I guess I hold on to tight"
"yea I guess you did...we should get up"
"yea your right"
they stayed there looking at each others eyes for about 5 seconds both of them were blushing
"umm mark" said zoey
"yea" responded mark
"I can't get up if your on top of me"
"ohh right" they got up and zoey noticed her bike was missing
"where did my bike go?" said zoey nervously
"what bike?" asked mark
"ohh no I must have forgoten it back at the school can we please go back for it" asked zoey
"yea sure lets go"
"alrigth hold on let me just call my mom and tell her I’m going to be late"
zoey got her phone but the antenna had gotten broken she looked at mark
he wasn’t looking her way then she waved her hand over the phone then her
phone started to glow after that the phone was fixed so she called her mom
and explained to her that he was going to be late because he had forgotten her bike back at the school.
END OF PART 3
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/22/08 , edited 5/22/08
zoey and mark went back to the school
when they got to the gate they saw three girls coming out of the school
the first thing mark said was
"ohh no its them" wispered mark to him self
"what" asked zoey
"lizy,lilian,lizly" responded mark
"cool their names start with the same letter they look nice"
"you would think" said mark
"why" asked zoey
"nothing let’s just go"
just when were about to leave they heard someone scream marks name
"mark!!! wait up"
mark turned around "hey lilian and girls"
"hey mark" they all said
"umm who is she mark" asked lilian
"this is zoey"
"hey" said zoey
"yea... so are you trying to make me jealous using her mark or what"
"what are you talking about Lillian"
suddenly Lillian kissed him
"you should leave now" whispered the two girls to zoey
"yea you should" the girls whispered to zoey
"well I see you’re busy ill be going now"
zoey got on her bike and left as fast as she could mark pushed Lillian of him
"Lillian what’s wrong with you were not going out any more so get out of my life"
mark walked away and ran to zoey then he screamed her name "zoey!!!"
"huh" zoey turned around and saw mark then she heard him scream "ZOEY WAYCH OUT"
zoey turned around but it was too late she crashed then zoey heard some ones voice
"zoey wake up wake up huny wake up your going to be late for your first day of school sweety"
zoey opened her eyes and saw her mother
"huh... mom"
"yes it your mom” she said smiling at zoey
"was it all a dream?" zoey asked her self
"what did you say zoey” asked her mom
"no nothing I just had a weird dream that’s all but it seemed so real"
"well hunny forget about it and hurry up you need to go its school the first day"
"It’s not the first day mom"
"well it’s your first day"
"I know and I hate that I’m the new girl"
"why"
"I don’t know anyone"
"don’t worry you’ll be fine zoey..know hurry"
"ok mom” said zoey
"but what about mark was he just a dream to... though zoey.
END OF CH.1
Writer
7828 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / F / -snerk- Like I'm...
Offline
Posted 5/22/08 , edited 5/22/08
Okay. First off. You need to fix the Big Wall of Text. No one likes reading the wall. We'd all rather read the fence. At least space it down every paragraph or every time the speaker changes.... whichever suits your fancy.

Second. The word 'said' has applied for a vacation period of at least 5 sentences. Please don't overuse the poor thing. There are other wonderful words like 'exclaimed', 'yelled', 'shouted', etc, all gathering dust in the back of your mind. Humor them and let them out on the page once and a while.

Third. Punctuation and grammar is lacking. A lot.

..."Tory your back!!! screamed zoey"

Unless someone named Tory suddenly appreared out of nowhere with a back problem, then I'm thinking 'your' should be 'you're'. And the quotations should be after the third exclimation point, not after Zoey.

Oh! That brings up another point. Fourth. Multiple symbols like "omg!!!" and "orly???" should be avoided if this is to ever be taken seriously. No offense, but you make Zoey sound like a n00b. If you want to stress out a point, use words, not just symbols.

Anything else I wanted to say has already been stated-- description and word varitey. But! Other than that... It's cute.

4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/22/08 , edited 5/22/08
Chapter 2
Zoey got ready for school she had normal every day chothes because she didnt have the uniform yet
mean while at school
"heres your assigment boy"said a voice in the shadows
handing a picture of zoey to a boy in the sun ligth with brown eyes short spiked brown colored hair
"this is her" responed the boy...
when zoey was done she went to eat breakfast zoey got to the table and sat down
her mom saw that she was thinking to hard on some thing
"zoey whats on your mind" asked her mom
"huh...ohh nothing mom im just thinking of that weired dream"
"what was is it about" wonder her mother asking her with a smile
"promise you wont tease me ok"
"ok i promise"
"pinky swear"
"cross my heart hope to die eat a thousand needes if i lie"
"ok well i think had magic and i meet this boy named mark he was so..."
in that moment her phone rang she looked at it and saw it was her alarm saying its
time to leave for school then zoey had a suprised face on
"ohh no ill be late if i dont hury up" screamed zoey
END OF PART 1 CH2
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/22/08 , edited 5/23/08
zoey grabed a strawberry cupcake and took a bite of it then she drinked her milk as fast as she could
"zoey you shouldn't do that or your going to..."zoey started to cougth
"huny are you ok"said her mom pading on her back
"yea im fine mom but i have to leave now bye"
zoey gave her mom a kiss and ran out the door
"bye love you"
"good luck zoey" zoey got out side and saw her bike
she would have used it but
then then she thougth of her dream
"naw its to weired to use it today" zoey said to her self
instead she grabed her skates and left to school
she went to the principals office to get the list of her class
*knock knock*
"come in" zoey opened the door and couldent belive who she saw
"hi im zoey im the new transfer student they told me to come here to pick up my..."
zoey stood there with a suprised face she saw a boy he looked just like mark standing next to the principal
"yes miss vanden...is it" asked the principle
"ohh...umm...yea" zoey said
"well here he is said the principle to zoey putting on his hand on marks shoulder
"huh who is he" "this is are best student" "this is creppy" thougth zoey stairing at him "yes he will be showing you your classes he has all the same classes as you" "ohh..."
END OF PART 2 CH2
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/23/08 , edited 5/23/08
"well you to better get going or you'll be late for your first class but befor you leave her you go zoey"said the principal
handing her her school uniform
"you can change in the girls bathroom"
"ohh thank you" mark showed zoey the way to the bathroom
zoey stayed quiet walking behined mark
"this is to weired this guy looks just like the mark in my dreams..."
suddently mark stoped and zoey not looking bumped in to him
"ohh im sorry mark..."
"how do you kno my name"
"ohh...umm..well umm.."
"just forget it" said mark giving zoey a weired look
"ohh...umm...yea sure.." responded zoey getting stuck on her words
"you can change here"
"ohh ok"
"you should hurry or were going to be late for class"
"your going to wait for me"
"duh you dont know the way to get there so i need to wait for you"
"ohh rigth" zoey got in the girls bathroom and changed her uniform was
a short gray skirt with long white socks a white blouse and gray shoes
she went to see how it looked on her on the mirror
"wow the skirt are short" thought zoey
END OF PART 3 CH2
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/23/08 , edited 5/23/08
zoey heared some one knock on the door
"yea" said zoey "
"are you done already"
"umm..yea im coming"
zoey took a step and sliped with some water on the floor
mark heared her fall and opened the door zoey was on the ground
she looked up and saw marks face he was blushin looking at her skirt then
she noticed her skirt was up and you could see her underwear zoey turned all
red sat up and put her skirt down as fast as she could
"are you ok" asked mark
"huh" zoey looked up and saw marks hand she grabed mark helped her get up
"yea im ok lets just go"
"ok then"
"ohh yea what about my clothes were do i leave them"
"in your locker"
"ok...wheres that" asked zoey with a confused look on her face
"whats your locker number"
"umm...its number..." zoey was thinking hutting her head
"omg..I just had to get stuck with her..."thougth mark
"ohh yea its number 067"
"ok thats close to mine then lets go"
"ok" zoey fallowed him
"here it is number 067"
"ohh so whitch ones yours?"
"066"
"ohh"
END OF PART 4 CH2
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/23/08 , edited 5/23/08
they heared the bell ring
"we should get going" exclaimed mark
zoey fallowed mark to the class door
"zoey wait here until the teacher tells you to come in"
"umm sure" zoey waited out side she heared a voice in the class room
"class we'll be having a new transfer student here today her name
is zoey please help her if she needs help zoey come on in"
zoey walked in the class room every one was staring at her and talking about her
"wow shes cute"
"she looks good in the skirt"
"I heared she came from paris"
"I hope shes single"
"who knows she migth be with mark I saw her with him this morning"
zoey felt chills donw her back she looked up and saw a girl siting next to mark
giving her a cold stare
"that girl looks alot like lilian but i couldn't be" zoey though
"lets see were should we seat you" said the teacher zoey was
looking around she saw mark raise his hand
"yes mark"
"she needs to sit next to me the principal put me in charge of showing her around and helping her"
"ok then lilian move to the second roll"
"lilian??? it is really her its so weired" thougth with a really puzzeled face
in that moment lilian slamed her desk
"why should I move because of her marks my boyfriend!!!" lilian screamed
everyone stared at her
"lilian dont raise your voice at me or I will send you to your father" said the teacher
"lilian dont say things that aren't true were not going out anymore"
lilian looked at mark "why do you say that because of this girl" said lilian pointing at zoey
"hey dont bring me into this lilian I dont even know mark!!" screamed zoey
"you stay out of it" screamed lilian
"your the one bringing me into it!!!" screamed zoey
"every one be quiet and sit down lilian stop yelling work this out after my class is over" screamed the teacher
lilian came up to zoey
"you better watch your self zoey" said lilian and walked out the door angry the teacher fallowed her
"lilian were are you going" lilian ignored just the teacher
"ill make sure she gets expelled"thougth lilian
END OF PART 5 CH2
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/23/08 , edited 5/23/08
The teacher came back into the class room zoey was
still standing in the front of the class she looked mad
"that stupid girl who dose she think she is" zoey though
"zoey im so sorry for all of this its your first day i guess it didnt start that good"
"Its ok it wasen't your fault miss.., umm miss"
"ohh im sorry I haven't intruduced my selfim Miss.makensy"
"ohh yea sure" responded zoey
"please take your seat and I do mean next to mark"
"ok" zoey went and sat down next to mark
"Im sorry you got into this" mark wispered
"huh" whispered zoey looking at mark
"Im sorry about lilian"
"ohh...its ok you dont have to apologize" said zoey suddently mark grabed her hand
"yes I do ill make it up to you some how"
"realy its ok"
"no its not I will make it up to you ok and dont say its ok"
"alrigth then" a few minutes passed
"by the way are you going out with lilian"
"I broked up with her last week"
"ohh I see"
"how about you"asked mark
"me what" responded zoey
"do you have a bofriend"
"ohh no I dont why"
"just making sure now I know I can make it up to you in any kind of way"
"what do you..." in that moment the bell rang
"class is over lets go ill take you to the girls locker room"said mark
"why" asked zoey
"Its time for P.E"
"ohh ok then" mark took her to the girls locker room then she saw a girl coming their way
"hey yumi can you help zoey out in the locker room"
"yea sure come on zoey lets go"said yumi pulling her hand to the girls locker room
"ohh ok then bye mark"
"here we go you can take this locker next to mine"
"ok but what about my clothes"
"yea Ill go get them ur like a size 9"
"on what??" "your breast"
"ohh no im a 11"
"wow you filed up in the rigth places"said yumi giggeling
zoey waited for yumi to come back when she got back she gave her the uniform
"here's your shirt,shorts,and shoes"
"ok thanks" zoey changed her P.E shorts were dark blue with a white t-shirt
yumi and zoey went to the gym every one staired at zoey when she walked in
"why is every one looking at me"asked zoey
"I guess its because of what happened this morning with lilian"
"ohh well I dont really care about it"
"everyone make a circle around over here Ill be showing you what were going to do today" screamed the P.E
teacher yumi and zoey went to see
"ok today we'll be jumping the horse this is how you do it" said the P.E teacher showing them how to do it
"ohh thats cool it like doing leap frog"said zoey
"ohh yea how do you know mark by the way" asked zoey
"ohh umm hes my..." in that moment the teacher called yumi
"yumi samura your up first!!!"
"coming...ill tell you later zoey" yumi went over and did it perfectly
"wow shes good"thougt zoey other people went up next
zoey looked at every one do it
END OF PART 6 CH2
4572 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / some where in the...
Offline
Posted 5/23/08 , edited 5/23/08
yumi came back then it was zoey turn
"zoey vanden your up next"
"ok coming!!!" zoey went up she nervous at first but when she started to run
she didn't care any more and did her best to jump it she had a perfect landing
"yay i did it" zoey cheered and ran to were yumi was then they called mark up
"next up mark samura"
"huh...why dose mark have the same last name as you yumi"
"I was going to tell you..."
"your married!?!?!" said zoey suprised
"yuck no...hes my cousin zoey"
"ohh sorry i guess that was to much of big guess"
"yea it was" said yumi laughing every one was done the day had gone
by really quick and it was time to go home mark and yumi walked zoey to the gate of the school
"bye guys thanx for your help today see you tomorow" said zoey waving good bye to them
zoey was skating all the way to her house when her phone rang she picked it up
"hello" answerd zoey
"zoey its mom"
"ohh hy mom"
"are you coming home"
"yea im on my way there"
"ok thats good some one just got here"
"who...whos there"
"its a suprise come home and you'll see"
"ok im on my way"
"ok hunny so how was school" asked her mom
"it was grate i had lots of fun ohh and ma.."
"ohh no"
"what happend mom"
"the foods going to burn i have to go sweety"
"ok ill see you at home"
"ok bye" zoey hung up the phone
and strated to think about her dream and why was mark and lilian there
"ohh yea lilian i didn't see her all day i wonder where she went... well I don't really
care better for me I hate that stupid girl who dose she think she is talking to me like that" zoey thougth
to her self zoey got home when she opened the door her mom jumped in front of her and closed zoey's eyes
"hey mom what are you doing"
"just hold on it's a suprise....come on out of the room shes not looking"
"mom who is it" zoey's mom took her hands of and...
"Tory your back!!!" screamed zoey
END OF CH.2
First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.