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Post Reply hey this is my story plz add me and tell me what you think of it
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23 / F / some where in the...
Posted 5/23/08 , edited 5/23/08
Chapter 3
Zoey was so suprised when she had walked in and saw her childhood friend tory standing in front of her
tory had just came back from his grandparents house in america his parents had died in a car accident
when he was 6 years old zoey blames her self for what happened that nigth
she was very sick so they took her to the hospital on the way there a drunk driver hit their car
zoeys mother, tory, and zoey survied the crash but torys parent died in the accident after what
happened tory had to leave to america and live with his grandparents he didn't want to live in america
but they forced him tory promised he would always protect zoey and that he would be back for her some day...and they would run away and be together forever... "Tory I can't belive your back" said zoey
as she jumped and hugged him tigth
"I always keep my promises" said tory looking deeply into zoeys eyes
"I missed you so much !!!!" screamed zoey
"I'll serve dinner while you too talk" said zoeys mom
"ok how was it over at your granfather and grandmothers house in america tory" asked zoey
"It was ok I guess I made lots of friends"
" so did you miss me"
" may be a little"
"your so mean tory" screamed zoey but tory just smiled at zoey
"ohh no we dont have drinks...can you too please go to the store zoey"
"huh..yea sure let me just change they gave me my school uniform to day do you like it" asked zoey spining around
"yea It looks ok how do you think they boys uniform will look on me" asked tory
"huh what do you mean tory"
"well zoey torys going to be staying with us" said zoey's mom
"really you will tory"
"yea I am my grandparent left to hawaii I asked if I could stay with you guys in paris so I called your
mom and she said yes but that you were coming back to japan"
"you knew he was coming mom"
"yes I did"
"then why didn't you tell me"
"I wanted to suprise you"
"ohh ok then I'll let this one slide because im so happy...Ill be rigth back im going to change" said zoey
"ok hurry up then" said tory
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23 / F / some where in the...
Posted 5/23/08 , edited 5/23/08
zoey went to change she puy on some shorts with a red belt with convers
and a red tank top her hair was in pigtails with red ribbons
"lets go tory" said zoey pulling tory out the door
zoey was so happy tory had came back that she just keept hold on to
his arm as they were walking zoey and tory bumped into yumi and mark turning the corner
"hey zoey!!!" said yumi
"huh...ohh hey yumi hi mark" zoey looked at mark he was looking at tory
"hey whos this zoey" asked yumi
"this tory hes my friend tory I knew him since I was born were the same age only hes 3 months older"
"hey Im yumi " said yumi shacking his hand
"nice to meet you yumi" said tory
"hey im mark nice to meet you"said mark
"nice to meet you two" said tory
"ohh yea by the way were are you two going zoey" asked yumi
"were going to buy some drinks where having dinner what about you two were are you going" asked zoey
"were going to the store too" responded yumi
"why don't we go together" said zoey
"yea sure if it ok with mark"
"yea sure lets go" responded mark looking at zoey smileing at tory
they all walked to the store together when they got there zoey and tory went to get tea
for them to drink yumi and mark went to buy what they need to make dinner
"hey tory what kind of tea do you want...tory.." zoey turned around and tory was gone
"where did he go..ill go look for him" she went looking for him then she saw a ladder
"I'll get a better view from up there" zoey climed up the ladder to see if she could spot tory she looked around and saw yumi on the other side talking to tory
"hey tory!!!" screamed zoey
"huh" yumi and tory looked for zoey all around
"hey you guys up here" screamed zoey waving at them
"ohh there you are how did you get up their"
"by climing the ladder over here"
"what are you doing up their"
"huh" zoey heared a voice she looked down it was mark
"ohh hey mark" said zoey
"zoey your going to fall" said mark
"no I wont"
"by the way that ladder was just painted dont you see the sign"
" huh" zoey looked at the sign it said *caution this ladder was just painted do not touch,clime, or lean on it*
zoey looked at her clothes they had paint all over them
" way these were new" zoey hold on to the ladder with one hand but alsmost fell back
"woa..that was close" said zoey
"zoey get down befor you fall" said yumi
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23 / F / some where in the...
Posted 5/23/08 , edited 5/23/08
"I know im coming im coming" zoey was about to step down on the ladder but mistplaced her foot and fell back
"Zoey!!!" screamed mark letting go of the things he had and ran to catch zoey from falling
when tory and yumi saw her fall they ran to the other side to see if she was ok when they
got their they saw mark was able to catch her befor she fell to the floor
"zoey you ok" said tory
"yea im fine what about you mark are you ok"
"yea im fine your so stupid why would you go up there with out reading the sign first" "im sorry I didn't see it and don't call me stupid"
"well you are your also blind if you didnt see a huge poster there"
"shut up!!!" zoey screamed shes tried to get up but when she did she fell back down she had hurt her ankel
"auch..."said zoey
"hey are you ok zoey" asked tory
"yea im fine lets just get the tea and leave my moms probebly waiting anyway"
tory helped mark get up then he grabed zoey from the waist and helped her walk zoey stoped looked back
at mark with really sad and gloomy looking eyes
"thanks for your help" mark just stood their and said nothing to her looking at her leave with tory
"come on yumi lets go home"
"uh..umm ok lets go" zoey and tory left the store after they were done shopping for grocerys zoey walked all the way home holding on to tory to keep her self from falling her anckel hurt to much to walk on her own she asked tory if they could rest for a while so they stoped at a little park near to zoeys house they sat down and rested for a while
"hey zoey are you ok"
"yea its just my ankcle I guess I did get hurt a little"
"dose it hurt to walk all the way to the house"
"just a bit but if we rest for a while I could make it"
"no we should leave now or your mom will get worried we took to long"
"but its going to be fi...."
"no I dont want you to get hurt any more" said tory getting up and standing in front of zoey turning his back to her he told her
"get on ill carry you all the way back to your house" said tory
"It ok ill walk tory" said zoey
"please just get on I feel like it was my fault this happend to you" said tory
"It wasent your fault it was mine tory!!" screamed she sounded as if she was about to cry
"im so sorry tory im always causing you trouble and making you take care of me and your alway so nice to just so sorry" zoey droped a few tears said that remembering what happend 7 years ago to his parents
"Its not true zoey I do this because... I...I..."
"you what"asked zoey
"Because I care for you to much to see you hurt I dont want to see you get hurt so if you dont get on the ill.."
rigth in that moment tory picked up zoey and caried her
"hey I told you it was ok that I would walk" said zoey
"I promised to you I would protect you 7 years ago" zoey didn't say a word she stayed in silence tory and stayed in torys warm strong arms he walked with zoey on his arms all the way home when they got there zoey stoped tory befor he got in
"you can put me down now I dont want my mom to worry about me" said zoey
"ohh and also thank you tory" whispered zoey
"you dont have to thanx me zoey" replied tory
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25 / M / Fantasy: Zey Meru...
Posted 5/23/08 , edited 5/23/08
Review for chapter 1:

Okay... first of all when you are telling some things like school and transferring and stuff...
you can tell it in different ways... as in making those things more clearer or put more things that would make people see it clearly... and it should've been my mom and I... not me... hm...

okay you need to work on making things clearer... we can't see the story clearly since your spelling... lotsa mistakes(no offense) and your words... you need to use more words... read a dictionary if you need to...

oh and you need to put punctuation marks... like the question mark and exclamation points... (ex. ! ? )
what!? the phone glowed...? O_O does she have any magical powers since it got fixed that fast..? hm...

okay ya need to learn lotsa things first because i really can't picture out the story... you have lotsa mistakes on
spelling, grammar, and the way you use some words... like know isn't now! i'm sorry but my head's spinning from reading it...

Review for chapter 2:

hmm.. i don't like the story so far... it's not because of your mistakes... i just don't really like the way the
love thingy goes.. =/ anyways...

oh yeah and it's not zoey though it's supposed to be zoey thought! hm...

spec. review:

okay i'm real sorry but... i don't have time to read all of your works... if you want to get better at literary
you need to start using punctuation marks, read an english dictionary, consult your English teacher
or something for mistakes put in more adjectives and plz. note that you shouldn't simply say it was beautiful
and stuff, be creative.

SPECIAL NOTE: plz. listen to godime, misterywaters and I because we're kinda used to this writing stuff...
i'm not boasting but i'm really serious... and this is my last tip for you...

read misterywaters and godime's work as well... you'll understand our difference once you've prolly read our work... i'm sorry if i'm harsh and am giving you lotsa negative comments and all but.. if you want to get better,
READ OTHE PEOPLE'S WORK, you will learn from it, and use whatever you'll learn to your advantage at writing...

*tap's glasses* i'll read your stories after i see some improvement and i'm sorry... and note: i'm not boasting...
i'm telling the truth... i don't wanna lash you but you keep on making your stories without even complying
to the ones who are commenting about it... and PLZ. PUT SPACE like godime said, we don't want a wall, we want a fence! in other words plz. use the Enter button in your keyboard to put space in it... like this..

" As Zoey was entering the new school... a lot of strange yet unknown feelings entered her head,
as she was absent-mindedly going around the campus, she had bumped on someone blah blah and so on,"

just don't forget to put space.. ^^ and speech and descriptions can be seperated too... anyways just read our work... and plz. don't use speech all the time!!! be narrative!!!

ja ne~
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25 / F / ~*heaven*~
Posted 5/24/08 , edited 5/25/08
lolz sorrow onii-chan iz strict but nice^-^ once i started 2 read dis story i kinda feel lyke itz somewat lyke da anime tokyo mew mew^-^' ur story has a good storyline but i dink u should describe more nd lyke onii-chan said, u need 2 be creative!!^-^ da rest iz wat onii-chan nd others told u^-^ overall, keep improving nd writing!!^-^
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20 / F / Philippines
Posted 8/28/08 , edited 8/28/08
It's been going pretty good.But it has many spelling mistakes.And about Lilian she is like a Maldita and what happened to her she seemed to disappear from the story.Maybe she is inventing a very great something of uhh..something something to make Zoey be expelled there.And i think that's way to impossible she is just too much crazy about her BF i mean her X BF to get back dating her.She misunderstood it all.It's like Mei-ling from Card Captor Sakura.She wants syaoran all to herself
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