Post Reply "The Dark Moon" by itachi643
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Posted 5/27/08 , edited 7/17/08
Here is my anime.The name is The Dark Moon.

Created by itachi643

So after you read it,please comment on it if you liked it.I will try to put more if you actually like it.If not can you give me suggestions?


Other









Episode 1-The Beginning.




Episode 2 - The Adventure Starts





Episode 3 - Unexpected Power



Episode 4 - A Spirit?! New
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Posted 5/28/08
The opening chapter seems rather random. Wouldn't it be better to include a little bit of the main characters normal life before he meets his destiny?

Also what do you mean by the second to last line? How was Percy in the man's power?
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Posted 5/28/08
Well... It is a great idea, but there are a couple things.
Number one- You are switching the tense, decide if u want it past or present,
Number two- There are some grammatical errors.
Number three- Instead of saying, the man said in his mind, you could say the man thought. Just an idea
Number four- This is a tip i got from a friend, when someone speaks, give them their own line.
Number Five- I like to italicize things if it is a thought.
Dont get the wrong impression, I love the idea, and i want you to continue with it. I was just pointing out things so you can improve. If you would like help, i would love to give it. Just ask. Also, is your spacebar broken? because there are times when there is no place between words.
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Posted 5/28/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:

The opening chapter seems rather random. Wouldn't it be better to include a little bit of the main characters normal life before he meets his destiny?

Also what do you mean by the second to last line? How was Percy in the man's power?


He wasn't.The man used his power.
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Posted 5/28/08

Ichigo-bankai wrote:

Well... It is a great idea, but there are a couple things.
Number one- You are switching the tense, decide if u want it past or present,
Number two- There are some grammatical errors.
Number three- Instead of saying, the man said in his mind, you could say the man thought. Just an idea
Number four- This is a tip i got from a friend, when someone speaks, give them their own line.
Number Five- I like to italicize things if it is a thought.
Dont get the wrong impression, I love the idea, and i want you to continue with it. I was just pointing out things so you can improve. If you would like help, i would love to give it. Just ask. Also, is your spacebar broken? because there are times when there is no place between words.


Ya.My spacebar is bad.It works sometimes
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Posted 5/28/08

itachi643 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

The opening chapter seems rather random. Wouldn't it be better to include a little bit of the main characters normal life before he meets his destiny?

Also what do you mean by the second to last line? How was Percy in the man's power?


He wasn't.The man used his power.


What power?!
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Posted 5/28/08

itachi643 wrote:


Ichigo-bankai wrote:

Well... It is a great idea, but there are a couple things.
Number one- You are switching the tense, decide if u want it past or present,
Number two- There are some grammatical errors.
Number three- Instead of saying, the man said in his mind, you could say the man thought. Just an idea
Number four- This is a tip i got from a friend, when someone speaks, give them their own line.
Number Five- I like to italicize things if it is a thought.
Dont get the wrong impression, I love the idea, and i want you to continue with it. I was just pointing out things so you can improve. If you would like help, i would love to give it. Just ask. Also, is your spacebar broken? because there are times when there is no place between words.


Ya.My spacebar is bad.It works sometimes


Alright, well hope my advice helped. If u need help, just tell me.
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Posted 6/4/08
um... you need to fix it up.. it's good but not good enough to merit greater attention. but there's an incredible amount of potential, and if you want i can help harness it..
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Posted 7/15/08
thanks i'll ask you for suggestions when i need help
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Posted 7/16/08 , edited 7/16/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


itachi643 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

The opening chapter seems rather random. Wouldn't it be better to include a little bit of the main characters normal life before he meets his destiny?

Also what do you mean by the second to last line? How was Percy in the man's power?


He wasn't.The man used his power.


What power?!


Power that he has
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Posted 7/20/08

itachi643 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


itachi643 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

The opening chapter seems rather random. Wouldn't it be better to include a little bit of the main characters normal life before he meets his destiny?

Also what do you mean by the second to last line? How was Percy in the man's power?


He wasn't.The man used his power.


What power?!


Power that he has


What does the power do? For goodness sake! Is a clean answer too much to hope for?
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Posted 7/27/08
okay, the story is nonsensical already. dialogue, action, and plot need a redo.
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