Post Reply "The Slave" by MilicentPottywinkle
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Posted 6/9/08 , edited 8/21/08
Ch. 1-5 (so far...)


sorry if any of the chapters have some misspelled words and aren't separated properly...>_< don't have a lot of time these days...
Posted 6/10/08
So far I only read the 1st chapter... hmm sound intresting and I felt myself drawn in, so is she speaking that all off this allready happen because it sounded that way + she was a narator?
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Posted 6/10/08
yea, she's telling everything that happened, and yes 'Misa' is the narrator.:D
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Posted 6/14/08
it's good enough, but it needs editing and better phrasing and descriptions... like in chapter 2, i dunno if she was sold for 10K or 100K..
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Posted 6/14/08
oops ill fix that as soon as i can,thank u 4 pointing that out!:D
Posted 6/15/08
I like it how it goes so far (on chapter 3, arhh can't finish up - exams). So this is suppose to be like, a reverse-harem. It seemed like that so far.
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Posted 6/18/08
yup....^_~
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Posted 8/22/08
I could have sworn I already commented on this story. Sorry for the wait.

The first person perspective is certainly unique. I'm not sure what the purpose of this approach is, but it does not subtract from the story. If this story were an anime or manga, would the heroine be narrating the whole thing?

I wasn't certain what to think of the prince in episodes two and three. In episode four, I saw the prince as being sketchy as hell. In episode five, he was no longer sketchy, because the word "sketchy" implies some ambiguity or subtlety, which he has none of.

It seems like the ecchi in part five would be even more appealing to guys than girls. Was that what you were aiming for?

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Posted 8/23/08
i agree with 8th, the prince character is underdeveloped. the first person perspective works, but only just. i suggest you change the narrator once in a while, as listening to just one person's thoughts and feelings is hard to keep interesting. hmm, it would also do the story good if it had a more comedic tone to it, and, the prince made a move on the girl too fast.. anyway, it was a fun read. n_n
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Posted 12/22/08 , edited 12/22/08

atelier7 wrote:

i agree with 8th, the prince character is underdeveloped. the first person perspective works, but only just. i suggest you change the narrator once in a while, as listening to just one person's thoughts and feelings is hard to keep interesting. hmm, it would also do the story good if it had a more comedic tone to it, and, the prince made a move on the girl too fast.. anyway, it was a fun read. n_n


thanks, ill keep that it mind!
it was a rather fast development though, wasnt it?hmm....maybe i can switch that around for later in the story..*smirk*
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Posted 12/22/08 , edited 12/22/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:

I could have sworn I already commented on this story. Sorry for the wait.

The first person perspective is certainly unique. I'm not sure what the purpose of this approach is, but it does not subtract from the story. If this story were an anime or manga, would the heroine be narrating the whole thing?

I wasn't certain what to think of the prince in episodes two and three. In episode four, I saw the prince as being sketchy as hell. In episode five, he was no longer sketchy, because the word "sketchy" implies some ambiguity or subtlety, which he has none of.

It seems like the ecchi in part five would be even more appealing to guys than girls. Was that what you were aiming for?



im not too sure on that yet, because im still experimenting with this story, and right now, i have like, TOO MANY different narrators, which gets confusing, soo im trying to fix that up a bit...
in part 5, i was aiming the appeal towards girls...did it really seem to be appealing more to guys?D:
i got some revising to do...BIG TIME.

and on the part 5 being ecchi....god i dont know what got into me, i thought it would spice up the story a bit...of course i wrote it after reading smutty manga...@_@
rofl
bad influences....tsk tsk

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Posted 12/23/08

MilicentPottywinkle wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

I could have sworn I already commented on this story. Sorry for the wait.

The first person perspective is certainly unique. I'm not sure what the purpose of this approach is, but it does not subtract from the story. If this story were an anime or manga, would the heroine be narrating the whole thing?

I wasn't certain what to think of the prince in episodes two and three. In episode four, I saw the prince as being sketchy as hell. In episode five, he was no longer sketchy, because the word "sketchy" implies some ambiguity or subtlety, which he has none of.

It seems like the ecchi in part five would be even more appealing to guys than girls. Was that what you were aiming for?



im not too sure on that yet, because im still experimenting with this story, and right now, i have like, TOO MANY different narrators, which gets confusing, soo im trying to fix that up a bit...
in part 5, i was aiming the appeal towards girls...did it really seem to be appealing more to guys?D:
i got some revising to do...BIG TIME.

and on the part 5 being ecchi....god i dont know what got into me, i thought it would spice up the story a bit...of course i wrote it after reading smutty manga...@_@
rofl
bad influences....tsk tsk



I don't mind. It was quite enjoyable...
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