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Chuck norris jokes?
Posted 6/12/08 , edited 6/12/08
these are couple of them. . .

# Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

# The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

# There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

# Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

# The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

# Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

# Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

# Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

# Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

# Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

# Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

# Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

# The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

# Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

# Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

# If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

# Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

# When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

# The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

# Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

# CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

# Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

# There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

# Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

# What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

# Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

# Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

# Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

# Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

# Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

# If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

# Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

# Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

# Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

# Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

# Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

# Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

# Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

# Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

# Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

# Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

# In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

# Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

# Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

# Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

# The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

# According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

# Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

# When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

# There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

# Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

# Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

# Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

posted by h4x0rs

1.)Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2.)Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

3.)Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

4.)Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

5.)Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6.)Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

7.)Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

8.)Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

9.)Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

10.)The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

11.)To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

12.)If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

13.)Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

14.)There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

15.)Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

16.)Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

17.)Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

18.)Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
19.)Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

20.)Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

21.)When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

22.)Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

23.)When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

24.)After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

25.)One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

26.)huck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

27.)Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

28.)Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

29.)Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

30.)Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

and lot's more in here

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/page1.html

THIS IS A DUPE?

if so locked this one up!
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Posted 6/12/08
They're lame, but I still laugh.
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Posted 6/12/08
It's shit and I'm sick of it. They make Chuck Norris sound like an invincible creature.
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Posted 6/12/08
Theres a thread like this already dude.
Posted 6/12/08

DRO1 wrote:

Theres a thread like this already dude.


okay. . .

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Posted 6/12/08
give the damn old man a break....
Posted 6/12/08 , edited 6/12/08

looneylovegood wrote:

give the damn old man a break....


i don't know if the guy is alive. . .
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Posted 6/12/08 , edited 6/12/08

YojimboMifune wrote:
okay. . .


I'm not a fucking link poster mini-mod, but there's two of em actually. Chuck Norris facts are awesome thought. He's fucking 68 and still pwning ass.
Posted 6/12/08

DRO1 wrote:


YojimboMifune wrote:
okay. . .


I'm not a fucking link poster mini-mod, but there's two of em actually. Chuck Norris facts are awesome thought. He's fucking 68 and still pwning ass.


fine

don't get angry, im not expecting you to be a mini mod from the start. . .
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Posted 6/12/08

YojimboMifune wrote:
don't get angry, im not expecting you to be a mini mod from the start. . .


Im not angry, I participate in duplicates all the time. I just dont like mini-mods...
Posted 6/12/08

DRO1 wrote:


YojimboMifune wrote:
don't get angry, im not expecting you to be a mini mod from the start. . .


Im not angry, I participate in duplicates all the time. I just dont like mini-mods...


as long there are flamers and trolls, there will mini mods and forum mods. . .

this is the good and evil in the internet. . .
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Posted 6/12/08

YojimboMifune wrote:
this is the good and evil in the internet. . .


I'm not saying anything about getting rid of them or wishing they didn't exist, or talking about mods.
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Posted 6/12/08 , edited 6/12/08

DRO1 wrote:


YojimboMifune wrote:
don't get angry, im not expecting you to be a mini mod from the start. . .


Im not angry, I participate in duplicates all the time. I just dont like mini-mods...


who does? said it before,and I'll say it again.
chuck norris is nothing compared to actors in India.


WARNING!:Rape of physics links below.




I
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Posted 6/12/08
Chuck Norris is kewl. No pun intended. He was m childhood hero. lol
Posted 6/12/08

DRO1 wrote:


YojimboMifune wrote:
this is the good and evil in the internet. . .


I'm not saying anything about getting rid of them or wishing they didn't exist, or talking about mods.


let's stop talking about this

im getting a head ache ~_~
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