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Critique for All Stories
Mystic
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Posted 6/26/08 , edited 6/26/08
NOTE: If you don't want to read the whole description, just read the colored parts.

Because Forum stories are to be read, it is far more convenient to have absolutely no commentary or chatting in those story forums. However, in case the stories do need to be discussed or if you just want to post some first drafts in this forum, hopefully another group member will be willing to add and cut snippets off. This way, stories will be flexible, and it will be easier for all members to help compose parts of the SALIGIA storyline without disrupting it due to improved drafts.

This forum was made with the permission of "Sir Bur" and with encouragement from other members, so I hope it will have some uses before it is just closed down.

So, once more, this forum is for:

Drafts of stories that you aren't perfectly confident about -
Meaning, you could just post your story somewhere else, if you don't like people picking on ya.

Advice on drafts or other stories in the Mystical Community -
Meaning, not pure Insults. Then nobody will post here. Instead, existing SALIGIA authors + Jojiro (cause I'm odd) should encourage and help the drafts, by quoting certain sections and giving improvement suggestions.

Polishing on drafts or other stories in the Mystical Community -
Meaning, with permission of the author of a story, the moderators can edit the post as they like. This is for those better at editing directly instead of giving comments.

Flames for Jojiro
Meaning, while Jojiro would appreciate it if you didn't insult him copiously in other forums or on the wall (you DUMBASS, you CHILD, you BASTARD, etc...), you can call him whatever ya want in this forum.

RULES
Simple, there are 4.
1. Don't use all caps often. Hard to read
2. Stories posted here are black, blue, or purple. Easiest colors to read.
3. Don't complain, unless you are insulted. Critics WILL be critical.
4. No casual chatting not related to stories. I hope the mods will help me enforce this.

Mystic
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Posted 6/26/08
So, first, for animelover_02, story: How Lilana Became a Member of the Mystic Council

Well...i guess out of the colors given, Purple IS the best color to write in. Continuing to read, here is my critique (if ya don't mind..I assume ya want me to type this out, so I won't go soft)

"With that the spirit of the wind left and became the wind once more heading toward the rest of the fairies. Liliana laughed and said, "The spirit would kill your servants Brendanus, pity but the fairy clan wouldn't be killed today."
-animelover_02

This passage makes Lilana seem more evil so far. I'm under the impression that Lilana is a very caring leader. Laughing at the idea of the spirit killing Brendanus's servants seems not quite correct in character development. Instead of laughing, maybe
"lilana defiantly said "My spirit will protect my people. They will not be defeated by the likes of you and your servants." Using shorter, to the point sentences without as much emphasis on the word "kill" makes her a nicer character, but still firm. Your choice on how you develop her.

Continuing...

Both of them stared at each other, their hatred reflected on both of their eyes.
-animelover_02

Later ya say that this Lilana had pain, betrayal, and sadness in her life, but nothing about rage or being unstable. So it would make more sense for her to have pained determination instead of pure hatred (have ya ever hated someone? I have...not quite the same thing as being angry) Once again, if I misunderstood your intentions, I'm sorry, but pay a little attention to those little details that show the reader how your character ticks.

Continuing...

Your story...it grabs at my attention more than the other one, and has more flow to it. Also, it is far longer than the story arikabella wrote. I don't want to give it a score, really, but 9/10 in comparison to the rest on the page. Grammar aside, it was excellent. It seemed like an excerpt from a larger story in your mind. Perhaps you had more in your mind, perhaps you didn't, but it is nice. Keep in mind my tips about character consistency, and Lilana will seem far more appealing and "real."
Posted 6/26/08
This passage makes Lilana seem more evil so far. I'm under the impression that Lilana is a very caring leader. Laughing at the idea of the spirit killing Brendanus's servants seems not quite correct in character development. Instead of laughing, maybe
"lilana defiantly said "My spirit will protect my people. They will not be defeated by the likes of you and your servants." Using shorter, to the point sentences without as much emphasis on the word "kill" makes her a nicer character, but still firm. Your choice on how you develop her.

*she have to act mean to her brother afterall he is her archenemy

Later ya say that this Lilana had pain, betrayal, and sadness in her life, but nothing about rage or being unstable. So it would make more sense for her to have pained determination instead of pure hatred (have ya ever hated someone? I have...not quite the same thing as being angry) Once again, if I misunderstood your intentions, I'm sorry, but pay a little attention to those little details that show the reader how your character ticks.

*not really hated someone so much so don't really understand oh well

Your story...it grabs at my attention more than the other one, and has more flow to it. Also, it is far longer than the story arikabella wrote. I don't want to give it a score, really, but 9/10 in comparison to the rest on the page. Grammar aside, it was excellent. It seemed like an excerpt from a larger story in your mind. Perhaps you had more in your mind, perhaps you didn't, but it is nice. Keep in mind my tips about character consistency, and Lilana will seem far more appealing and "real."

*i had an idea but my stories/fantasies always stay in my mind; i don't write it or type it cuz it somehow isn't nice anymore when i do like i lose interest and wat i had in my mind was actually in another language
Mystic
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Posted 6/26/08
...yay. ya read it. w00t.
Posted 6/26/08

Jojiro wrote:

...yay. ya read it. w00t.


yea i did lol ur advise is even better n longer than my teachers wen we have a written assignment tsk all they say is to expand details and stuff then correct grammar yea i hate my english teacher
Mystic
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Posted 6/26/08
Well...grammar was an issue, but I assumed you knew that and just didn't bother with corrections. Plus, you wanted me to rate (as in read and give advice for) your story, not proofread (as in be boring and make grammatical corrections).
Posted 6/26/08

Jojiro wrote:

Well...grammar was an issue, but I assumed you knew that and just didn't bother with corrections. Plus, you wanted me to rate (as in read and give advice for) your story, not proofread (as in be boring and make grammatical corrections).


yea i guess anyways i'm really bad at english so i don't care anymore hahaha
The Subjugator
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Posted 6/26/08
Jojiro ... i am honestly a little bit away from deleting this thing ... here is my say ... you may critique when YOU write a story that is perfect in grammer and is a perfect fit in our story line (which you of course dont have a say in until approved) so before then leave your critiques to yourself or send them via PM dont fucking call someone out on their story ... thank you
Savior of Twilight
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Posted 6/26/08

dethreaper666 wrote:

Jojiro ... i am honestly a little bit away from deleting this thing ... here is my say ... you may critique when YOU write a story that is perfect in grammer and is a perfect fit in our story line (which you of course dont have a say in until approved) so before then leave your critiques to yourself or send them via PM dont fucking call someone out on their story ... thank you


um deth.... i told him that he could make this damn forum so that he could stop writing in MY damn forums...... and before you can get your HACKING previleges back why don't YOU get off your LAZY ASS and finish the work YOU'VE been assigned.......... hahaha I got to dis Dante............ ~cries~ now I'm gonna die.........
The Subjugator
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Posted 6/26/08
... oh really now ... EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING A FUCKING JOB ... also i have had so much god damned work on my fucking plate along with a fucking summons to court for my speeding ticket as well as having a girlfriend that i need to spend time with ... sorry if the fucking story isnt the first thing on my fucking mind ... you want it so bad ... you think like me when it comes to this story and i know you share the same vision i do for it so write it if you cant wait a fucking few more days tops ... i dont have work tomorrow ... granted i need to settle some fucking bullshit with the attourny i hired i should be done soon ... back to topic ... when someone wants to critique thats fine ... when they do it for the public to see causing a possibly humiliating situation for someone then no i am not happy about it one bit. He has no right at all to tell other people how to write, this isnt the final draft, that will be my job before i send it in. So honestly if you NEED to critique so badly then PM someone ... it doesnt need to be told to the public your opinions on their work. This subject really pisses me off cause i know how i feel when someone critiques my work, expesially without asking me some questions about why it is like that ... like i dunno the formatting of this website isnt the same as Microsoft Word and doesnt register spaces before writing a sentance ... you cant tell someone they are doing something wrong, we are PROMOTING people to get active, and you think that some kid who wants to raise his own damn ego by telling others they are wrong is the way to do it then you my friend are wrong.
Mystic
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Posted 6/26/08
deth...I realize that you've been angry with my...fucking around, as ya might think of it. But the thing is, arikabella and animelover_02 both asked for my opinion. Neither minds the fact that said opinion is public, and it is THEIR story, as ya pointed out. In addition, critiquing will in the end help a bunch of new authors better fit the way you guys write.

Why do you dislike me showing an edge of expertise? I don't think anyone is offended here, except you (I don't get why yet, sorry) and Sir Bur, who has every right to.

The reason? Sir Bur didn't so much get angry for my critical state of mind (or if he was angry, he has the basic courtesy not to scream at me), but because he told me not to write in the forums that weren't mine. Twice. And I didn't really obey, first because i missed his comment and the second time out of pure insubordination. I truly am sorry for disobeying.

However, dethreaper-sama, I believe that hell is a horrid place and I also think that I am being fair in my commentary on the story. Unlike the authors here, I have no sense of creativity (in terms of story, just good at making up techniques) and am I really to be buried for that? Reading these things you've wrote, I'm just telling you as a half-customer, half-friend about what I like and what I don't.

Also, previously I thanked you for not being rude to me and apologized for not reading the full story of SALIGIA, the Mystic Council, etc...now I HAVE read almost everything, and I AM trying to think up a way to fit my character into all this, and animelover_02 just happened to bring up that teachers are really annoying when they mess with grammar. I agreed, and explained why I DON'T CARE SO MUCH ABOUT GRAMMAR. Please, read what i wrote before getting angry at me. I was saying grammar ISN'T important...

Lastly, monsieur deth, it seemed to me that this was a very free group...what with combining Hollows from Bleach with Elves and Vampires and .hack//, etc...yet I still tried to learn what rules there were, follow guidelines, and to me at least, this helps member interact without breaking those guidelines.

Anybody can help another writer work out kinks, ya know. We have different ways. Maybe you like being private and nice, (like a Death Reaper, I presume?) I am cold, but then not so vicious as a werewolf.

And lastly, Deth, I do want to commend ya for immediately taking advantage of the fourth red bullet: Flaming Jojiro. And Srb, thanks for standing up for me a bit. Though it seems pretty clear ya just want to be neutral.
The Diviner
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Posted 6/26/08
hai. . .this is fuckin messed up
Mystic
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Posted 6/26/08
Sigh...I wasn't even quite done typing and deth already has another rope round my neck.

Dethreaper...she doesn't MIND, ok? If she did, I'd immediately apologize and commit suicide or whatever, but animelover is fully capable of calling me a bastard if she wants to...

So please calm down...we all like to raise our egos. Your rant is basically to do that too in the end, and this is a group with forums about sin. I am a sinner. I am damned. So what? If it makes ya feel any better, I apologize again just for making ya angry.

If somebody requests that I PM them, I will. Hell, I'll even ask them and then report it to you as a subordinate. Or, we could remove this forum. I don't mind. I was just doing it for arikabella's request, and then animelover_02 wanted me to give my honest opinion about her story too.

Those that write should not be frightened of comments if they requested comments. I'll try to add some positive feedback too. More of it, I mean. Once again, trying to compromise! Lastly, I see the critiquing as part of the discussion, whereas you see it as something that should only be done after discussing. Differing views, that's all.

Also...people in general should hopefully not make fun of others for writing badly. That is a basic moral assumption that I leave everyone, to be fair. Thus, I think I can comment without being responsible for a person being humiliated, as there is nobody to humiliate them but me, and they are allowed to cuss me out afterwards...sorry deth.
The Subjugator
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Posted 6/26/08
did i insult your personality at all here? so no i did not take advantage of the fourth bulletin ... just know this ... i will be watching this forum and if anything is cruel and "asshole-ish" if you will with out a proper reason (asking for an opinion not being one of them) then i will personally defend the person you attack. you seemed respectful in the post and i respect that, just please dont ever (for future reference) insult a member of the group or EVER rate anyone ... we are trying to encourage people to write and i think a critiquing forum will only push people away ... I will personally handle the editing at the end ... i have programs to do so and i also have enough knowledge of grammer and marketing to know what i am doing ... i wont stand for anyone insulting my fellow writers is all so please, watch what you say when "critiquing"

thank you
The Subjugator
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Posted 6/26/08 , edited 6/26/08
i understand that she doesnt mind now. I know now she asked, i didnt then. I know i blew up but this has happened alot, and once being towards me. You didnt ask me so i assumed you didnt ask anyone else. I am simply defending my fellow writers, and that post was made before yours, maybe not posted but in the process of writing before yours was posted up. I respect your views but, as i said, i will defend my groupmates. As long as they give permission then I will but my views aside, but as i said i will be watching and if i see anything to vicious or just unneeded then i will take matters into my own hands.

Sorry for exploding, just once you get to know me you will realize that respect is a major issue to me.

one last thing


Your rant is basically to do that too in the end


No, no it wasn't. I wrote this with the intent of stoping any further insults to anyone else. Not to up my ego. (which is probably to high anyway)
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