be my critic...
6174 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / F / pinas
Offline
Posted 7/5/08
pls read my story then tell me what you think...really appreciate it

here it goes...

***The 23rd Chapter***

“I can’t wait for him no more”, I told my Mom on the phone.

I’m trying to replace the pain that I’m feeling with anger but the tears gently gushed and my chest can’t bear it no more. It‘s been five years since he left, it’s been five long years of waking up alone, having dinner on my own, sleeping without someone beside me. I don’t want to impede him on attaining his dreams so I didn’t pry in anymore when he told me he’s leaving for work. I was dismayed but I’m happy for him, I’m really happy for him. The first two years were good enough, he calls almost every day, he sends me presents and post cards but they cannot replace him. There was no chance of replacing him. The subsequent years concluded our doom—a bitter ending.
“Honey, if you love him you’ll wait for him”, my mother said comforting me.
“I do really love him! But I did my part; I waited long enough! Long enough to leave him!”, those words just came out of my mouth.
“Calm down, sweetie”, she said. “Why don’t you visit home this weekend? Your Grandma misses you”, she continued.
“It’s Grandma’s 58th birthday!”, I suddenly remembered. “Mom I’ll hang up! See you this weekend!” I wiped the tears on my cheeks. I deem that time will do its job—fixing a wrecked heart.

I went out to buy Grandma a gift; I wonder what she would like. A scarf? I know she likes those, but she has plenty of them. Gloves? Nah, winter is still months away. A book? She loves reading. Right! I’ll buy her one.

It’s been a while since I went home; I already missed two Christmas, two New Years, two Thanksgivings and two birthdays of Grandma. I’ve been busy working for the last couple of years or perhaps I’ve been busy forgetting him.
It’s a 2-hour drive from my place to our home. As I drive my way, the summer breeze softly covers my face; my eyes gleamed as I relish the striking beauty of the view, finally, I’m home!
The noise of my car alarmed them, “She’s here!”
“Sweetie, you look thin”, Mom said as she gives me a warm hug, “Have you not eating much?”
“I work hard Mom”, I said hugging her snugly than ever, “I missed you”
“Are you alright now?”, she sounded worried.
“Better. Where’s Grandma?
“At the patio”
I saw Grandma sitting on a chair at the patio as usual, she was reading her favourite book. For the longest time since I was a child, I never had the chance to ask her what the book is all about until now.
“I’m here Grandma”, I said as I sit next to her. “You’re reading that book again. I always see you reading that since first grade”
“You did?”, she chuckled, “I have been reading this even longer”
“That’s ages ago!”, I was startled, “It must be a great book then. What’s the story all about? How did it end?”
“I don’t know”, she simply said.
“How’s that possible?!” , I was baffled, “You’ve been reading that for a long time”
“I haven’t finished it yet”, she said in her croaky voice.
“I’m so puzzled”
“I can’t finish it”, she replied, “Not until he comes back”
“Who?”
“The man I love”, she gazed me, “You look confused… let me tell you a story”, she continued, “my story”
I’ve never seen Grandma with such aura. She looked thrilled.
“Three decades ago”, she began, “When I was at your age, I was beautiful like you”, she chuckled again.
I smiled.
“…but I only loved one man”
“Are we talking about Grandpa here?”, I asked.
“Yes”
“I don’t remember a thing about Grandpa”, I said openly, “what about him?”
“He left”
“He left for somebody else?!”, I asked her swiftly.
“No”, she paused, “He was a valiant soldier. He chose to carry out his duty but he promised it was his last”
I was surprised. I didn’t know Grandpa was a soldier.
“Before he left, he gave me this book”, she continued, “… so I won’t get tired of waiting. I still remember what he said before he left: ‘Promise me you won’t get tired of waiting for my return... don’t worry much… right before you start reading the last chapter I’m already here’
I was taken aback.
“I finished the 22nd chapter countless times, but he was nowhere”, she sighed, “I missed the chance to tell him I’m pregnant… that we’re having our daughter”
I was wordless for a moment. I’m refraining myself to blubber, but tears just came flooding its way out of my eyes.
“You still wonder why I haven’t finish it till now?”, she said smiling.
I smiled back. I can sense the sorrow she feels.
“I’ll never get tired of waiting”, her face smoulders with abiding hope as she stood firmly on her feet. Grandma turned 58 today, I watched her feebly amble her way inside the house clutching close to her the book—her hope.
For a minute or two, I sat there still. Grandma’s three decades of incessant hope hit me by that much, and then I realized something—something I should’ve realized long time ago. I took my phone out of my pocket and called him. My heart quivers as I hear the ringing.
“Hello?”, he said.
Now I know what to say.
4577 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
36 / M / Hinamizawa
Offline
Posted 7/5/08
i dunno what is the point of the thread
Posted 7/5/08
If you want criticism, there are much better websites to get criticism than crunchyroll.

liek DA
4577 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
36 / M / Hinamizawa
Offline
Posted 7/5/08

janeybird wrote:

I just wanna know wut do you think, i want different critics


will you accept harsh words from critics because for me it hurts so bad
Posted 7/5/08
Tell me is this original or not? I kinda remember something like this.
673 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / "...just outside...
Offline
Posted 7/5/08
i guess it's a nice story but has little originality, especially about grandma's long wait for her lover. i didn't like how the transition between the conversation between the mother and daughter and then suddenly about grandma's birthday - it's rather rushed. simply the short length of the story sacrifices the chance of delving into more emotion as the piece only brushes the raw potential emotion from this ....
871 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
29 / M / Huntington Beach, CA
Offline
Posted 7/5/08
Um, not really qualified to critique this, you need to go to an all chick site for that.
1951 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
F / La La Land~~
Offline
Posted 7/5/08
i love it!!! *_* i want the rest!!! i want it i want it!! *_*
Posted 7/5/08
This is a personal thread
and as it states in the rule no personal threads
~reported
and people will steal that your work if you keep publicising it
Posted 7/5/08
You can post that in your own group

~Locked
You must be logged in to post.