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Post Reply "Chthonia" by The_8th_Sin
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Posted 7/29/08 , edited 1/11/09
This show is intended to take place in Japan. Any cultural inaccuracies are unintentional and undesirable. If you find any, please let me know so that I can revise the story.

Also, this story has quite a few swears and frequently uses the "f-word."

Episode 1

Alienation (Part 1)




Here are my stories as pages. I'm going to leave the stories in spoilers for now, since it makes it easier to quote a statement from the story.

http://www.crunchyroll.com/user/The_8th_Sin/pages/chthonia

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Posted 7/30/08
Wow, nice one! I love it and your observations of the Japanese culture and use of honorifics its right on the target. Good job and love the plot!
only one little thing that I couldn't help wonder about, was otou-san suposed to b having a traditional breakfast?
If he was, the traditional Japanese breakfasts consists in fish and rice.
Over all, great job! Can't wait for more!
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Posted 7/30/08

yaidoll wrote:

Wow, nice one! I love it and your observations of the Japanese culture and use of honorifics its right on the target. Good job and love the plot!
only one little thing that I couldn't help wonder about, was otou-san suposed to b having a traditional breakfast?
If he was, the traditional Japanese breakfasts consists in fish and rice.
Over all, great job! Can't wait for more!


No, he was not having a traditional breakfast. Don't worry; I didn't intend him to.

Hooray! My first comment! I would love to hear any opinions you had on the actual story however.
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Posted 7/30/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

Wow, nice one! I love it and your observations of the Japanese culture and use of honorifics its right on the target. Good job and love the plot!
only one little thing that I couldn't help wonder about, was otou-san suposed to b having a traditional breakfast?
If he was, the traditional Japanese breakfasts consists in fish and rice.
Over all, great job! Can't wait for more!


No, he was not having a traditional breakfast. Don't worry; I didn't intend him to.

Hooray! My first comment! I would love to hear any opinions you had on the actual story however.


Ok, just wondering about that, glad u made clear for me! the story is awesome and the kursing suits the main character a lot! I've got to admit, for a second I actually fell as if I was back in school with all the diverse characters and I could also tell that ur trying to incorporate some mythical principals because of Persephone's name.
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Posted 7/31/08
hahaha, there were a few weird names in there.. :)) i don't like the main character, to be honest. that's just my subjectivity, however. the story was well-written, though it is kinda weird to say that a teardrop form on a head. not for the unititiated with anime i guess.
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Posted 7/31/08

atelier7 wrote:

hahaha, there were a few weird names in there.. :)) i don't like the main character, to be honest. that's just my subjectivity, however. the story was well-written, though it is kinda weird to say that a teardrop form on a head. not for the unititiated with anime i guess. :)


Which names are wierd?

If you don't like the main character, then I have succeeded marvelously.

This anime has stuff like super-deformed mode, teardrops, and other things like it. Urdumkeit, on the other hand, maintains an absolutely realistic art style.

I was really looking forward to your comment, but now I discover it isn't that long. Does it compare favorably to Urdumkeit? Unfavorably? The characters are less subtle in Chthonia; does that make them less satisfying? Or are you waiting until a little bit more happens before making any really important comments?
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Posted 7/31/08
Well, that was certainly an interesting read....I think I can assume that the spikes decide to come up out of his body whenever he gets really malevolent and full of really dark thoughts from being irritated by those around him. I suppose that would be the part where you are trying to show that his state of mind is in hell, as only he can see them? (referencing the wall comment you left for havek) I think you did pretty good, definitely could tell that this was more along the anime style. Tho I can't really compare it to Urdumkeit as I've not read it yet. But I'm about to, since I have to write a small review on it for the feature of the month.

I hope this satisfies your want of a new comment. XDXD
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Posted 7/31/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

hahaha, there were a few weird names in there.. :)) i don't like the main character, to be honest. that's just my subjectivity, however. the story was well-written, though it is kinda weird to say that a teardrop form on a head. not for the unititiated with anime i guess. :)


Which names are wierd?

If you don't like the main character, then I have succeeded marvelously.

This anime has stuff like super-deformed mode, teardrops, and other things like it. Urdumkeit, on the other hand, maintains an absolutely realistic art style.

I was really looking forward to your comment, but now I discover it isn't that long. Does it compare favorably to Urdumkeit? Unfavorably? The characters are less subtle in Chthonia; does that make them less satisfying? Or are you waiting until a little bit more happens before making any really important comments?


that's right, i'm waiting for more. it's my policy to not criticize anything until i've experienced quite a bit of it (hell, i watched FIVE episodes of BLASSREITER). first impressions seem meaningless, you know? besides, this episode seemed more of a prologue to me.
i can really only comment when i've read quite a bit, which i was able to do for Urdumkeit since I was catching up on five episodes the first time i read it (or was it four?).
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Posted 7/31/08

atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

hahaha, there were a few weird names in there.. :)) i don't like the main character, to be honest. that's just my subjectivity, however. the story was well-written, though it is kinda weird to say that a teardrop form on a head. not for the unititiated with anime i guess. :)


Which names are wierd?

If you don't like the main character, then I have succeeded marvelously.

This anime has stuff like super-deformed mode, teardrops, and other things like it. Urdumkeit, on the other hand, maintains an absolutely realistic art style.

I was really looking forward to your comment, but now I discover it isn't that long. Does it compare favorably to Urdumkeit? Unfavorably? The characters are less subtle in Chthonia; does that make them less satisfying? Or are you waiting until a little bit more happens before making any really important comments?


that's right, i'm waiting for more. it's my policy to not criticize anything until i've experienced quite a bit of it (hell, i watched FIVE episodes of BLASSREITER). first impressions seem meaningless, you know? besides, this episode seemed more of a prologue to me.
i can really only comment when i've read quite a bit, which i was able to do for Urdumkeit since I was catching up on five episodes the first time i read it (or was it four?).


Very well. I have a question: Do you think that I should finish the current plot arc of Urdumkeit first, extending Urdumkeit to 13 episodes, before continuing this?
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Posted 7/31/08

AkanaYukinai wrote:

Well, that was certainly an interesting read....I think I can assume that the spikes decide to come up out of his body whenever he gets really malevolent and full of really dark thoughts from being irritated by those around him. I suppose that would be the part where you are trying to show that his state of mind is in hell, as only he can see them? (referencing the wall comment you left for havek) I think you did pretty good, definitely could tell that this was more along the anime style. Tho I can't really compare it to Urdumkeit as I've not read it yet. But I'm about to, since I have to write a small review on it for the feature of the month.

I hope this satisfies your want of a new comment. XDXD


Thank you; it does!

What are you writing a review of for feature of the month? Urdumkeit? And shouldn't I write it or something?
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Posted 7/31/08 , edited 7/31/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


AkanaYukinai wrote:

Well, that was certainly an interesting read....I think I can assume that the spikes decide to come up out of his body whenever he gets really malevolent and full of really dark thoughts from being irritated by those around him. I suppose that would be the part where you are trying to show that his state of mind is in hell, as only he can see them? (referencing the wall comment you left for havek) I think you did pretty good, definitely could tell that this was more along the anime style. Tho I can't really compare it to Urdumkeit as I've not read it yet. But I'm about to, since I have to write a small review on it for the feature of the month.

I hope this satisfies your want of a new comment. XDXD


Thank you; it does!

What are you writing a review of for feature of the month? Urdumkeit? And shouldn't I write it or something?


Were my last two reviews unsatisfactory? I did the review for the feature of the month for both Fallen Angel and Love Contract. I'm reading your story now so that I'll know what to type out in the review/summary of your story. Didn't have to read much of Love Contract to get the basic idea, but yours is a little more difficult. I've read the first two episodes so far.
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Posted 7/31/08

AkanaYukinai wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


AkanaYukinai wrote:

Well, that was certainly an interesting read....I think I can assume that the spikes decide to come up out of his body whenever he gets really malevolent and full of really dark thoughts from being irritated by those around him. I suppose that would be the part where you are trying to show that his state of mind is in hell, as only he can see them? (referencing the wall comment you left for havek) I think you did pretty good, definitely could tell that this was more along the anime style. Tho I can't really compare it to Urdumkeit as I've not read it yet. But I'm about to, since I have to write a small review on it for the feature of the month.

I hope this satisfies your want of a new comment. XDXD


Thank you; it does!

What are you writing a review of for feature of the month? Urdumkeit? And shouldn't I write it or something?


Were my last two reviews unsatisfactory? I did the review for the feature of the month for both Fallen Angel and Love Contract. I'm reading your story now so that I'll know what to type out in the review/summary of your story. Didn't have to read much of Love Contract to get the basic idea, but yours is a little more difficult. I've read the first two episodes so far.


I didn't realize that you had written those two.

If you have trouble, please tell me, because I already have a summary written up.
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Its no trouble at all really, was needing to read your first story anyway, just never got around to it before since I was too busy then...
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Posted 7/31/08 , edited 8/11/08
HOW FAR I READ


ok ? ... since theres not enough jerks on CR to critisize ... i think ill have to do sum of it ... alright?

Here i am a jerk critic


Heres i am being posistive



EDIT:
ok i updated how far i got. and here comes more critisism ...
The location is obviouslly someplace in Japan character names and architectural style of the school makes it well implied but not proven ... ur setup to questions is FAR too obviious ... its so obvious that that spike was story related and that mouse was way to obvious ... come on dood get creative with it! sudden attacks or "i just so happen to notice" things are sorta overdone dont u think? ...

“Okay,” thought Izanagi, sitting down in his seat, “I’ll make a deal with myself. I’m going to stay alert this entire block for anything weird. If nothing happens, I can forget about the rats and the spike altogether!”

this quote could have been easily replaced with

A quick palm to the temple, Izanagi shrugs the spike and rats off his mind, "Focus man. Focus!" ...

this is what i meen by reducing the talking! i just turned a 38 word line into 17 words, 3 of which are the only talking. In reality ur mind thinks way to fast to fully state that all in ur head plus actions speak more than words, with this his body language talks for him. in fact it talk so much louder the "Focus man Focus" is completely optional! ...


Katashi, watching Izanagi leave, “I’d report him, but dammit! I forgot to ask his name! I’ll just keep an eye on him in the future.”

this can be replaced with

As Izanagi's presence diminishes, Katashi's face envelopes in puzzlement, and he begins to pace away, eye on Izanagi

24 words to 18 but just look at how talking can be made into one's actions instead! just think of it this way! u can save effort typing up all those words! ... plus it adds more mystery to it cuz u know u aren't completely in their head
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Posted 7/31/08

Havek_Reekel wrote:

HOW FAR I READ


ok ? ... since theres not enough jerks on CR to critisize ... i think ill have to do sum of it ... alright?

Here i am a jerk critic


Heres i am being posistive




To be entirely honest, I really don't feel you're being a "jerk critic," but maybe that's partially because I don't believe the majority your critisisms make much sense.

I don't see how a story which is entirely about the interactions between people can have too much dialogue. What would you like instead?

I can see no problem with the name "Shizuka Persephone," except that maybe it is a bit too long to sound right. The fact that the two names are of different lingual origins is of no concern to me. However, I believe I might change it if I come along a better name. Unfortunately, it would have to be something pretty awesome to replace "Persephone."

As for Wyvern, who said it wasn't his last name? Furthermore, you don't even give a reason for your disapproval, so I can't really take you seriously, especially since it sounds beautiful to me.

Culture localization? When did anime get so complicated? Back when I watched anime, we ignored unimportant details.

Izanagi might be the narrator for this episode, but that doesn't mean he is the point of view from every shot. The scenes in the classroom are in no way shown from the main character's perspective. Even if the main character weren't there, I would still show them in the same way. By the way, when this is an anime. I will not humor people who demand time to progress during such conversations! Time will move when I say so, which is precisely how an anime should be.

You're tired of the "ordinary day" opening? That's like saying you're tired of fight scenes in action animes, or tired of having food for lunch. The introduction of the setting is a neccesity, not only to anime, but to every kind of story. If there is not a setting upon which new details can be stacked, the anime cannot exist. In some animes, it does not start off with the "ordinary day" opening, but that is only because they are set in worlds which are abnormal by our standards, so the introduction of the setting will not come off as ordinary. In Chthonia's case though, since the setting is ordinary, it must be introduced in such a manner or my story will flat-out suck.

I hope you don't think I'm angry. I'd like to thank you for the comment. There are too few people these days who will be frank with their critisisms, so if you would read this story in the future, I feel that I will get a lot more valuable feedback.
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