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Post Reply "Chthonia" by The_8th_Sin
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Posted 8/1/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

hahaha, there were a few weird names in there.. :)) i don't like the main character, to be honest. that's just my subjectivity, however. the story was well-written, though it is kinda weird to say that a teardrop form on a head. not for the unititiated with anime i guess. :)


Which names are wierd?

If you don't like the main character, then I have succeeded marvelously.

This anime has stuff like super-deformed mode, teardrops, and other things like it. Urdumkeit, on the other hand, maintains an absolutely realistic art style.

I was really looking forward to your comment, but now I discover it isn't that long. Does it compare favorably to Urdumkeit? Unfavorably? The characters are less subtle in Chthonia; does that make them less satisfying? Or are you waiting until a little bit more happens before making any really important comments?


that's right, i'm waiting for more. it's my policy to not criticize anything until i've experienced quite a bit of it (hell, i watched FIVE episodes of BLASSREITER). first impressions seem meaningless, you know? besides, this episode seemed more of a prologue to me.
i can really only comment when i've read quite a bit, which i was able to do for Urdumkeit since I was catching up on five episodes the first time i read it (or was it four?).


Very well. I have a question: Do you think that I should finish the current plot arc of Urdumkeit first, extending Urdumkeit to 13 episodes, before continuing this?


personally, i'm okay with whatever you want to do. i do think that it's better for you to finish Urdumkeit's plot arc first, then proclaim it to be on hiatus or something.
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Posted 8/2/08 , edited 9/28/08
Episode 2

Alienation (Part 2)



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Posted 8/3/08
Wow, awesome 2nd ep, I loved it!
at first I thought in the words of Izanagi-san "what the h is wrong with this girl!"
But she turned out to b an awesome character, u must have put up a lot of work to come up with such intrigging personality.
however for some reason Izanagi reminds me of a Yusukei Yuramashi! did u drew any inspirations from him?
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Posted 8/4/08

yaidoll wrote:

at first I thought in the words of Izanagi-san "what the h is wrong with this girl!"
But she turned out to b an awesome character, u must have put up a lot of work to come up with such intrigging personality.
however for some reason Izanagi reminds me of a Yusukei Yuramashi! did u drew any inspirations from him?


Thank you.

Who is Yusukei Yuramashi?
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Posted 8/4/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

at first I thought in the words of Izanagi-san "what the h is wrong with this girl!"
But she turned out to b an awesome character, u must have put up a lot of work to come up with such intrigging personality.
however for some reason Izanagi reminds me of a Yusukei Yuramashi! did u drew any inspirations from him?


Thank you.

Who is Yusukei Yuramashi?


Your welcome!
sry about that, my Rumaji spelling is not good, he is the gouy from Y Yu Haku Sho a spirit detective with a lot of similar characteristics.
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Posted 8/4/08

yaidoll wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

at first I thought in the words of Izanagi-san "what the h is wrong with this girl!"
But she turned out to b an awesome character, u must have put up a lot of work to come up with such intrigging personality.
however for some reason Izanagi reminds me of a Yusukei Yuramashi! did u drew any inspirations from him?


Thank you.

Who is Yusukei Yuramashi?


Your welcome!
sry about that, my Rumaji spelling is not good, he is the gouy from Y Yu Haku Sho a spirit detective with a lot of similar characteristics.


I have never seen that show, although I have heard of it.
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Posted 8/4/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


yaidoll wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

at first I thought in the words of Izanagi-san "what the h is wrong with this girl!"
But she turned out to b an awesome character, u must have put up a lot of work to come up with such intrigging personality.
however for some reason Izanagi reminds me of a Yusukei Yuramashi! did u drew any inspirations from him?


Thank you.

Who is Yusukei Yuramashi?


Your welcome!
sry about that, my Rumaji spelling is not good, he is the gouy from Y Yu Haku Sho a spirit detective with a lot of similar characteristics.


I have never seen that show, although I have heard of it.


Wow, its amazing how u were able to match them so exsact. But its amazing u have sure put a lot of work time and dedication into developing the story and the characters.
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Posted 8/12/08

Havek_Reekel wrote:

ok i updated how far i got. and here comes more critisism ...
The location is obviouslly someplace in Japan character names and architectural style of the school makes it well implied but not proven ... ur setup to questions is FAR too obviious ... its so obvious that that spike was story related and that mouse was way to obvious ... come on dood get creative with it! sudden attacks or "i just so happen to notice" things are sorta overdone dont u think? ...

“Okay,” thought Izanagi, sitting down in his seat, “I’ll make a deal with myself. I’m going to stay alert this entire block for anything weird. If nothing happens, I can forget about the rats and the spike altogether!”

this quote could have been easily replaced with

A quick palm to the temple, Izanagi shrugs the spike and rats off his mind, "Focus man. Focus!" ...

this is what i meen by reducing the talking! i just turned a 38 word line into 17 words, 3 of which are the only talking. In reality ur mind thinks way to fast to fully state that all in ur head plus actions speak more than words, with this his body language talks for him. in fact it talk so much louder the "Focus man Focus" is completely optional! ...


Katashi, watching Izanagi leave, “I’d report him, but dammit! I forgot to ask his name! I’ll just keep an eye on him in the future.”

this can be replaced with

As Izanagi's presence diminishes, Katashi's face envelopes in puzzlement, and he begins to pace away, eye on Izanagi

24 words to 18 but just look at how talking can be made into one's actions instead! just think of it this way! u can save effort typing up all those words! ... plus it adds more mystery to it cuz u know u aren't completely in their head


I'm not sure what you're talking about when you mention "sudden attacks or 'I just so happen to notice' things." I really have no idea what you mean. What are you refering to?

I'm not sure what's wrong with making the rat and the spike obvious. Do I have to be subtle with everything I do?

From here, it's back to the old disagreement. The removal of asides would be desirable in basically any other story, but not this one. You have to see inside their minds. It doesn't matter that people don't think that way.
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Posted 8/12/08
K, I haven't read enough of the other forum posts to know if this has already been said:

I assume when you say teardrop, you mean this: Yeah...that is referred to as a sweatdrop, in English, Chinese, and yes, the Original Japanese. Sorry for sounding picky, but I seriously thought the teacher was crying when the new student didn't arrive...

Really good grammar, I guess. Compared to most other stories online, I mean.

I kinda see Havek's point in saying the dialogue is a bit lengthy. I think that is partially because there are large blocks of text before a space, making it more of a strain on eyes, especially since "Spoiler font" is smaller than normal forum posts. When your eyes are just automatically annoyed, no matter how excellent a story is people tend to think "why is there so much dialogue?"

The fact that most of the dialogue is serious but normal chatter adds to the monotony, which I understand is part of the mood, but perhaps a bit of dark humor would make the chatter more interesting, yet maintain that "cloudy and decaying" mood.

The word mastery is amazing. Each person has a different way of speech, from the sophisticated "status quo" to the crude "is she, like, off-limits...?" Excellent job of developing characters without actually describing them directly.

God...I just imagine the main character wearing a multiple-stained shirt, with an arrogant earring, an uneven tan, and dirty hair. And you didn't even put that, I now realize. It's just my mind playing tricks with the implications you kept on adding in what with his room, his words, etc...

What in the world is an oca? If you mean a family members, there's onee-san, onii-san, obaa-san, ojii-san, okaa-san, otou-san, otouto-san, imouto-san, but no oca. I'm guessing it's his grandmother for now, plz correct if wrong.

This seems kinda like a darker version of the manga "to-Love-ru". At least, the new girl character is REALLY similar to Lala. The spikes from the body are interesting, but haven't been developed yet. I trust that those will be used in unimaginable and thrilling ways.

To sum it up, this is an excellent story with a few Romanization problems that don't really interfere with the story much. Unless, of course, oca isn't Japanese and means something random like 'mocha coffee' The best jobs are done with characterization without direct description, and word choice.

I think in the future that dialogue will prolly be reduced, now that Sumumu is at peace with himself and the characters have some introduction, so there's no point continuing on about that point. Excellent story.
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Posted 8/13/08

Nirvana_Joji wrote:

K, I haven't read enough of the other forum posts to know if this has already been said:

I assume when you say teardrop, you mean this: Yeah...that is referred to as a sweatdrop, in English, Chinese, and yes, the Original Japanese. Sorry for sounding picky, but I seriously thought the teacher was crying when the new student didn't arrive...

Really good grammar, I guess. Compared to most other stories online, I mean.

I kinda see Havek's point in saying the dialogue is a bit lengthy. I think that is partially because there are large blocks of text before a space, making it more of a strain on eyes, especially since "Spoiler font" is smaller than normal forum posts. When your eyes are just automatically annoyed, no matter how excellent a story is people tend to think "why is there so much dialogue?"

The fact that most of the dialogue is serious but normal chatter adds to the monotony, which I understand is part of the mood, but perhaps a bit of dark humor would make the chatter more interesting, yet maintain that "cloudy and decaying" mood.

The word mastery is amazing. Each person has a different way of speech, from the sophisticated "status quo" to the crude "is she, like, off-limits...?" Excellent job of developing characters without actually describing them directly.

God...I just imagine the main character wearing a multiple-stained shirt, with an arrogant earring, an uneven tan, and dirty hair. And you didn't even put that, I now realize. It's just my mind playing tricks with the implications you kept on adding in what with his room, his words, etc...

What in the world is an oca? If you mean a family members, there's onee-san, onii-san, obaa-san, ojii-san, okaa-san, otou-san, otouto-san, imouto-san, but no oca. I'm guessing it's his grandmother for now, plz correct if wrong.

This seems kinda like a darker version of the manga "to-Love-ru". At least, the new girl character is REALLY similar to Lala. The spikes from the body are interesting, but haven't been developed yet. I trust that those will be used in unimaginable and thrilling ways.

To sum it up, this is an excellent story with a few Romanization problems that don't really interfere with the story much. Unless, of course, oca isn't Japanese and means something random like 'mocha coffee' The best jobs are done with characterization without direct description, and word choice.

I think in the future that dialogue will prolly be reduced, now that Sumumu is at peace with himself and the characters have some introduction, so there's no point continuing on about that point. Excellent story.


Do you think I should go back and changed teardrop to sweatdrop? It seems like it might be important.

What should I do about the small text? Havek was suggesting that I remove a lot of the asides and get how the characters are feeling across in more subtle ways, but I really feel that I want Susumu's poisonous thoughts to be layed out clearly, especialy his rant at the end of episode 1. Still, I could trim the edges with such a technique.

It isn't that I don't know what dark humor is, but I'm not sure how to add it. It might be a welcome addition, except that I have this "two moods" thing going, so goofiness is important.

The "oca" thing is the one of the Japanese culture/language mistakes I was desprete to not miss. I intended it to mean "Mother." What means "mother" in Japanese?

Thank you for reading.
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Posted 8/13/08


Doh. Long quote! I wrote all that without noticing I was overachieving? Damn, need to b more LAZY! :P

Yeah. Change to sweatdrop for coherency, if ya can. Small text, dunno...spoilers always have small text, ask shinji. I can't give advice for dark humor, though Lemony Snicket is good at it (author of book The End). Okaa-san is mother, respectful. Casual would be haha, though only for your own mother. Dunno a rude way to say mother.

Sorry. I only got complaints, but no replacements for the problems because you are already so far beyond MY level.

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Posted 8/14/08

Nirvana_Joji wrote:



Doh. Long quote! I wrote all that without noticing I was overachieving? Damn, need to b more LAZY! :P

Yeah. Change to sweatdrop for coherency, if ya can. Small text, dunno...spoilers always have small text, ask shinji. I can't give advice for dark humor, though Lemony Snicket is good at it (author of book The End). Okaa-san is mother, respectful. Casual would be haha, though only for your own mother. Dunno a rude way to say mother.

Sorry. I only got complaints, but no replacements for the problems because you are already so far beyond MY level.



You make it sound like martial arts or something. Thanks for helping me out.
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Posted 8/14/08
B quiet. Like a mouse. Anyway, you don't "got complaints" in fighting. You alive or you dead.
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Posted 8/29/08
One word for this story.
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Posted 8/29/08
i have suggestions. or rather, reminders. n_n
first, you will need to flesh out your characters more. all of them, except for Anya, are stereotypes. it doesnt bother me, but other readers might get too bored with your characters. it would also be more appropriate to included them in the main storyline.
second, the spikes. i hope they aren't just that. i am also ho-hummed by Susumu's unleashed power. and Anya butting in was predictable, too predictable.
third, the dialogue is too lengthy, even when they're just thinking it. people talk in different ways, but they sound inappropriate for normal chatter. LESSEN SUSUMU'S RANTINGS. people will get the point with fewer words.
fourth, Susumu's mother, was she that important to him? do not think that this question is just clarification; your answer will tell us a lot about Susumu.
fifth, Susumu's problem was solved too abruptly. you'd think something that made him like that for years would take more than a beating up to heal.
lastly, your wordplay is brilliant, but a bit confusing. sometimes they don't jive with the situation.
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