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Post Reply "Chthonia" by The_8th_Sin
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Posted 8/29/08

atelier7 wrote:

i have suggestions. or rather, reminders. n_n
first, you will need to flesh out your characters more. all of them, except for Anya, are stereotypes. it doesnt bother me, but other readers might get too bored with your characters. it would also be more appropriate to included them in the main storyline.
second, the spikes. i hope they aren't just that. i am also ho-hummed by Susumu's unleashed power. and Anya butting in was predictable, too predictable.
third, the dialogue is too lengthy, even when they're just thinking it. people talk in different ways, but they sound inappropriate for normal chatter. LESSEN SUSUMU'S RANTINGS. people will get the point with fewer words.
fourth, Susumu's mother, was she that important to him? do not think that this question is just clarification; your answer will tell us a lot about Susumu.
fifth, Susumu's problem was solved too abruptly. you'd think something that made him like that for years would take more than a beating up to heal.
lastly, your wordplay is brilliant, but a bit confusing. sometimes they don't jive with the situation.


1. I can't say this for certain, but I believe that the character development I have will be enough to satisfy my readers. Not all of the characters are as straightforward as they appear. By the way, they will be included in the storyline (not that I have really made it clear what the storyline is)

2. Someone could say (honestly) that they are, in fact, simply spikes. How they got there is the interesting part. I assume that by "too predictable," you mean "predictable to the point where it makes the story worse." What should I do to fix it? I'm in a tricky place here, because she has to confront him or the story falls apart.

What does "ho-hummed" mean?

3. I'm sorry if the dialogue is too long. I'm not certain of how to shorten it.

Please point out to me a couple of examples of lines inappropriate for normal chatter. If I have an idea of what you object to, I might be able to go through both episodes and eliminate such problems.

Depending on what degree you want me to lessen Susumu's rants by, I may disagree with you. His final rant at the end of episode one, for instance, feels just about the right size to me. Yes, people will get the point without it going on that long, but I want to beat it into the reader's head with a steel bar. I want there to be no question as to precisely how he is thinking.

4. This is all about Susumu, so in theory, you should just wait for me to develop him further. However, if I were to voice an opinion about Susumu right now, I would say that Susumu's reaction to his mother's death says just as much about him as a person as it does about his attachment to him mother.

5. This comment made me laugh. I have nothing to say about this right now, except to point out that it was more than him simply getting beaten up.

6. I used wordplay? Where?

Thanks for reading my story. I hope that you will enjoy it as much as Urdumkeit, although you seem to think it is a lot less worthy. I will cross my fingers and hope that it will not disappoint.

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Posted 8/29/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

i have suggestions. or rather, reminders. n_n
first, you will need to flesh out your characters more. all of them, except for Anya, are stereotypes. it doesnt bother me, but other readers might get too bored with your characters. it would also be more appropriate to included them in the main storyline.
second, the spikes. i hope they aren't just that. i am also ho-hummed by Susumu's unleashed power. and Anya butting in was predictable, too predictable.
third, the dialogue is too lengthy, even when they're just thinking it. people talk in different ways, but they sound inappropriate for normal chatter. LESSEN SUSUMU'S RANTINGS. people will get the point with fewer words.
fourth, Susumu's mother, was she that important to him? do not think that this question is just clarification; your answer will tell us a lot about Susumu.
fifth, Susumu's problem was solved too abruptly. you'd think something that made him like that for years would take more than a beating up to heal.
lastly, your wordplay is brilliant, but a bit confusing. sometimes they don't jive with the situation.


1. I can't say this for certain, but I believe that the character development I have will be enough to satisfy my readers. Not all of the characters are as straightforward as they appear. By the way, they will be included in the storyline (not that I have really made it clear what the storyline is)

2. Someone could say (honestly) that they are, in fact, simply spikes. How they got there is the interesting part. I assume that by "too predictable," you mean "predictable to the point where it makes the story worse." What should I do to fix it? I'm in a tricky place here, because she has to confront him or the story falls apart.

What does "ho-hummed" mean?

3. I'm sorry if the dialogue is too long. I'm not certain of how to shorten it.

Please point out to me a couple of examples of lines inappropriate for normal chatter. If I have an idea of what you object to, I might be able to go through both episodes and eliminate such problems.

Depending on what degree you want me to lessen Susumu's rants by, I may disagree with you. His final rant at the end of episode one, for instance, feels just about the right size to me. Yes, people will get the point without it going on that long, but I want to beat it into the reader's head with a steel bar. I want there to be no question as to precisely how he is thinking.

4. This is all about Susumu, so in theory, you should just wait for me to develop him further. However, if I were to voice an opinion about Susumu right now, I would say that Susumu's reaction to his mother's death says just as much about him as a person as it does about his attachment to him mother.

5. This comment made me laugh. I have nothing to say about this right now, except to point out that it was more than him simply getting beaten up.

6. I used wordplay? Where?

Thanks for reading my story. I hope that you will enjoy it as much as Urdumkeit, although you seem to think it is a lot less worthy. I will cross my fingers and hope that it will not disappoint.



1. i was hoping you'd tell me your characters have more to them. that will greatly ease my worry.
2. it may just be that i am picky about things like this. i have seen far better, and, naturally, my standards would be raised, especially for a skilled writer like yourself. to be honest, i'm not interested in how the spikes got there, or whatever they are for the matter.
a less predictable opening would be, for example, anya attacking susumu, to defend susumu (did that make sense?). of course i don't really know what their roles are yet.
ho-hummed is a crude, slung-together word that means bored. :)
3.Hey, man, is something wrong with you?” asked Kazuki quietly, “You seem a bit—“
Kazuki stopped speaking for a second.
When he listened closely, he could hear Wyvern take deep, consistent breaths.
“He’s asleep?” thought Kazuki, “But, when did he fall asleep? I didn’t even notice!”
“I’ll need a snappy response that will drive her away for good!”
“I’ll force him to talk to me,” thought Satou, “He’ll come back to find this, so I’ll talk to him then!” - note: was the lighter so important that he would try to find it, or did he not have any money to buy a new one?
4. i am unsatisfied with that answer. i hope he will be developed convincingly, because he is, as of now, half-baked.
5. I meant the whole shebang, situation, pot. oh yeah.
6. wordplay = writing style. for example, “It’s…beautiful,” he said, “I never noticed it before, but the sky can be beautiful as well as dreary. "
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Posted 8/29/08

atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

1. I can't say this for certain, but I believe that the character development I have will be enough to satisfy my readers. Not all of the characters are as straightforward as they appear. By the way, they will be included in the storyline (not that I have really made it clear what the storyline is)

2. Someone could say (honestly) that they are, in fact, simply spikes. How they got there is the interesting part. I assume that by "too predictable," you mean "predictable to the point where it makes the story worse." What should I do to fix it? I'm in a tricky place here, because she has to confront him or the story falls apart.

What does "ho-hummed" mean?

3. I'm sorry if the dialogue is too long. I'm not certain of how to shorten it.

Please point out to me a couple of examples of lines inappropriate for normal chatter. If I have an idea of what you object to, I might be able to go through both episodes and eliminate such problems.

Depending on what degree you want me to lessen Susumu's rants by, I may disagree with you. His final rant at the end of episode one, for instance, feels just about the right size to me. Yes, people will get the point without it going on that long, but I want to beat it into the reader's head with a steel bar. I want there to be no question as to precisely how he is thinking.

4. This is all about Susumu, so in theory, you should just wait for me to develop him further. However, if I were to voice an opinion about Susumu right now, I would say that Susumu's reaction to his mother's death says just as much about him as a person as it does about his attachment to him mother.

5. This comment made me laugh. I have nothing to say about this right now, except to point out that it was more than him simply getting beaten up.

6. I used wordplay? Where?

Thanks for reading my story. I hope that you will enjoy it as much as Urdumkeit, although you seem to think it is a lot less worthy. I will cross my fingers and hope that it will not disappoint.



2. a less predictable opening would be, for example, anya attacking susumu, to defend susumu (did that make sense?). of course i don't really know what their roles are yet.
ho-hummed is a crude, slung-together word that means bored. :)
3. note: was the lighter so important that he would try to find it, or did he not have any money to buy a new one?
4. i am unsatisfied with that answer. i hope he will be developed convincingly, because he is, as of now, half-baked.
5. I meant the whole shebang, situation, pot. oh yeah.
6. wordplay = writing style. for example, “It’s…beautiful,” he said, “I never noticed it before, but the sky can be beautiful as well as dreary. "


2. No, it didn't make sense. What do you mean?
3. Did you consider that maybe the school is closer to him than the nearest store that stocks lighters? Also, his lighter could have been more valuable than an average lighter. Perhaps it's fancy. Also, if I were to leave an item of any considerable value, (a lighter included) I would probably go get it as soon as possible if it were at all convinient. I felt no need to specifically state any of these points, because I figured I didn't really need to. If I did, I would need to further lengthen dialogue.
4. I'm not sure what your problem with my answer is. Perhaps I should clarify even further, but I'm not sure at this time if I'm going to devote some time to this aspect of Susumu in the story, so I'm a bit stuck. It's nothing dramatic really, but I think it's kind of interesting. You will have to be satisfied with complete silence at this time though.
5. It seems that you still are not satisfied. Unfortunately, I will have to maintain silence on Susumu's abrupt conversion for now as well.
6. I'll cut out such poetic gibberish when it is unneccesary.
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Posted 8/29/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

1. I can't say this for certain, but I believe that the character development I have will be enough to satisfy my readers. Not all of the characters are as straightforward as they appear. By the way, they will be included in the storyline (not that I have really made it clear what the storyline is)

2. Someone could say (honestly) that they are, in fact, simply spikes. How they got there is the interesting part. I assume that by "too predictable," you mean "predictable to the point where it makes the story worse." What should I do to fix it? I'm in a tricky place here, because she has to confront him or the story falls apart.

What does "ho-hummed" mean?

3. I'm sorry if the dialogue is too long. I'm not certain of how to shorten it.

Please point out to me a couple of examples of lines inappropriate for normal chatter. If I have an idea of what you object to, I might be able to go through both episodes and eliminate such problems.

Depending on what degree you want me to lessen Susumu's rants by, I may disagree with you. His final rant at the end of episode one, for instance, feels just about the right size to me. Yes, people will get the point without it going on that long, but I want to beat it into the reader's head with a steel bar. I want there to be no question as to precisely how he is thinking.

4. This is all about Susumu, so in theory, you should just wait for me to develop him further. However, if I were to voice an opinion about Susumu right now, I would say that Susumu's reaction to his mother's death says just as much about him as a person as it does about his attachment to him mother.

5. This comment made me laugh. I have nothing to say about this right now, except to point out that it was more than him simply getting beaten up.

6. I used wordplay? Where?

Thanks for reading my story. I hope that you will enjoy it as much as Urdumkeit, although you seem to think it is a lot less worthy. I will cross my fingers and hope that it will not disappoint.



2. a less predictable opening would be, for example, anya attacking susumu, to defend susumu (did that make sense?). of course i don't really know what their roles are yet.
ho-hummed is a crude, slung-together word that means bored. :)
3. note: was the lighter so important that he would try to find it, or did he not have any money to buy a new one?
4. i am unsatisfied with that answer. i hope he will be developed convincingly, because he is, as of now, half-baked.
5. I meant the whole shebang, situation, pot. oh yeah.
6. wordplay = writing style. for example, “It’s…beautiful,” he said, “I never noticed it before, but the sky can be beautiful as well as dreary. "


2. No, it didn't make sense. What do you mean?
3. Did you consider that maybe the school is closer to him than the nearest store that stocks lighters? Also, his lighter could have been more valuable than an average lighter. Perhaps it's fancy. Also, if I were to leave an item of any considerable value, (a lighter included) I would probably go get it as soon as possible if it were at all convinient. I felt no need to specifically state any of these points, because I figured I didn't really need to. If I did, I would need to further lengthen dialogue.
4. I'm not sure what your problem with my answer is. Perhaps I should clarify even further, but I'm not sure at this time if I'm going to devote some time to this aspect of Susumu in the story, so I'm a bit stuck. It's nothing dramatic really, but I think it's kind of interesting. You will have to be satisfied with complete silence at this time though.
5. It seems that you still are not satisfied. Unfortunately, I will have to maintain silence on Susumu's abrupt conversion for now as well.
6. I'll cut out such poetic gibberish when it is unneccesary.


but he lost the lighter.. it would take a lot of time finding it, surely. and i did ask if it was important to him.
never mind my "unpredictable" take on anya's butting in. it would change the flow of your story anyway.
yes, do those things. i didn't mean "as well as dreary" was gibberish, but, for someone who has had renewed hope, he would have not said such a thing, or maybe he would say it in a different manner.
susumu has just transgressed his initial character, and these transitions are supposed to be really bumpy.
as for susumu's conversion... well, i'm interested because of Anya. :))
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Posted 8/29/08

atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

1. I can't say this for certain, but I believe that the character development I have will be enough to satisfy my readers. Not all of the characters are as straightforward as they appear. By the way, they will be included in the storyline (not that I have really made it clear what the storyline is)

2. Someone could say (honestly) that they are, in fact, simply spikes. How they got there is the interesting part. I assume that by "too predictable," you mean "predictable to the point where it makes the story worse." What should I do to fix it? I'm in a tricky place here, because she has to confront him or the story falls apart.

What does "ho-hummed" mean?

3. I'm sorry if the dialogue is too long. I'm not certain of how to shorten it.

Please point out to me a couple of examples of lines inappropriate for normal chatter. If I have an idea of what you object to, I might be able to go through both episodes and eliminate such problems.

Depending on what degree you want me to lessen Susumu's rants by, I may disagree with you. His final rant at the end of episode one, for instance, feels just about the right size to me. Yes, people will get the point without it going on that long, but I want to beat it into the reader's head with a steel bar. I want there to be no question as to precisely how he is thinking.

4. This is all about Susumu, so in theory, you should just wait for me to develop him further. However, if I were to voice an opinion about Susumu right now, I would say that Susumu's reaction to his mother's death says just as much about him as a person as it does about his attachment to him mother.

5. This comment made me laugh. I have nothing to say about this right now, except to point out that it was more than him simply getting beaten up.

6. I used wordplay? Where?

Thanks for reading my story. I hope that you will enjoy it as much as Urdumkeit, although you seem to think it is a lot less worthy. I will cross my fingers and hope that it will not disappoint.



2. a less predictable opening would be, for example, anya attacking susumu, to defend susumu (did that make sense?). of course i don't really know what their roles are yet.
ho-hummed is a crude, slung-together word that means bored. :)
3. note: was the lighter so important that he would try to find it, or did he not have any money to buy a new one?
4. i am unsatisfied with that answer. i hope he will be developed convincingly, because he is, as of now, half-baked.
5. I meant the whole shebang, situation, pot. oh yeah.
6. wordplay = writing style. for example, “It’s…beautiful,” he said, “I never noticed it before, but the sky can be beautiful as well as dreary. "


2. No, it didn't make sense. What do you mean?
3. Did you consider that maybe the school is closer to him than the nearest store that stocks lighters? Also, his lighter could have been more valuable than an average lighter. Perhaps it's fancy. Also, if I were to leave an item of any considerable value, (a lighter included) I would probably go get it as soon as possible if it were at all convinient. I felt no need to specifically state any of these points, because I figured I didn't really need to. If I did, I would need to further lengthen dialogue.
4. I'm not sure what your problem with my answer is. Perhaps I should clarify even further, but I'm not sure at this time if I'm going to devote some time to this aspect of Susumu in the story, so I'm a bit stuck. It's nothing dramatic really, but I think it's kind of interesting. You will have to be satisfied with complete silence at this time though.
5. It seems that you still are not satisfied. Unfortunately, I will have to maintain silence on Susumu's abrupt conversion for now as well.
6. I'll cut out such poetic gibberish when it is unneccesary.


but he lost the lighter.. it would take a lot of time finding it, surely. and i did ask if it was important to him.
never mind my "unpredictable" take on anya's butting in. it would change the flow of your story anyway.
yes, do those things. i didn't mean "as well as dreary" was gibberish, but, for someone who has had renewed hope, he would have not said such a thing, or maybe he would say it in a different manner.
susumu has just transgressed his initial character, and these transitions are supposed to be really bumpy.
as for susumu's conversion... well, i'm interested because of Anya. :))


How was he to know how long it would take to find the lighter? Also, he might have an attachment to that lighter as far as I know, but it's not really important.

I'm still curious about your suggestion. Could you just tell me what it was?

Now that you point it out, I can't believe I wrote something so corny. I'm deleting it right now.

What do you mean by the comment about bumpy conversions? Are you talking about my writing being bumpy?

I'm glad you're interested in Anya. If you weren't, I would stop writing this story.
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Posted 8/30/08
but aren't u the one writing it? :))

anya attacks susumu in the hopes of subduing his power, but susumu beats down anya. just as when he is about to finish anya off, his power drains him, leaving him unconscious. that's the gist, anyway.

don't take my comments too seriously, since the story is at an early stage, i just pointed out possible hijinks.

i meant that character growth should be a lot more subtle. it felt too fast. i mean, by the end of a couple of paragraphs or so, Susumu was a kind person (again). it normally takes longer for characters like him to change.

yes, Anya rocks. :))
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Posted 8/30/08

atelier7 wrote:

but aren't u the one writing it? :))

anya attacks susumu in the hopes of subduing his power, but susumu beats down anya. just as when he is about to finish anya off, his power drains him, leaving him unconscious. that's the gist, anyway.

don't take my comments too seriously, since the story is at an early stage, i just pointed out possible hijinks.

i meant that character growth should be a lot more subtle. it felt too fast. i mean, by the end of a couple of paragraphs or so, Susumu was a kind person (again). it normally takes longer for characters like him to change.

yes, Anya rocks. :))


My point was that if Anya isn't interesting to you, then I would have decided that the story wasn't good enough to be worth my time, because everything revolves around her.

Your alternate climax is intriguing. The only reason I definitely can't use it is because I need for Anya's first fight to be in stark contrast to her cheerful casual self. In other words, I needed to have her kick ass so that there would be no doubt that she is stronger than she appears to be.

When did I say Susumu was a kind person again? I only strongly implied it. You will find Susumu's changes to not be nearly as abrupt as you might anticipate and, I hope, more satisfying.
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You know what, I definately think you should write more. Somehow i don't quite understand everyone's role. I understand that Susumu is the main character and is supposed to be the good guy (or not) and what not, but everyone else, like Anyu, I'm not seeing why they're there. I'm sure they're important and I wouldn't take them out, but their roles are kinda confusing. Other than that, Very good story, grammer, very good, and yeah, that's it

Oh, and My favorite character is definately Susumu, so what ever you do, DON"T CHANGE HIM!!^^
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Posted 9/2/08

narutosasukegal44 wrote:

You know what, I definately think you should write more. Somehow i don't quite understand everyone's role. I understand that Susumu is the main character and is supposed to be the good guy (or not) and what not, but everyone else, like Anyu, I'm not seeing why they're there. I'm sure they're important and I wouldn't take them out, but their roles are kinda confusing. Other than that, Very good story, grammer, very good, and yeah, that's it

Oh, and My favorite character is definately Susumu, so what ever you do, DON"T CHANGE HIM!!^^


I'm not entirely sure what confuses you about the other characters. You feel like they aren't detailed enough or something?

By the way, if you are hoping for more Chthonia, you're in luck, because I'm going to be writing episodes for it until I reach episode thirteen before switching back to Urdumkeit.

Um...about Susumu not changing...I think it's already a bit too late for that.
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Posted 9/2/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


narutosasukegal44 wrote:

You know what, I definately think you should write more. Somehow i don't quite understand everyone's role. I understand that Susumu is the main character and is supposed to be the good guy (or not) and what not, but everyone else, like Anyu, I'm not seeing why they're there. I'm sure they're important and I wouldn't take them out, but their roles are kinda confusing. Other than that, Very good story, grammer, very good, and yeah, that's it

Oh, and My favorite character is definately Susumu, so what ever you do, DON"T CHANGE HIM!!^^


I'm not entirely sure what confuses you about the other characters. You feel like they aren't detailed enough or something?

By the way, if you are hoping for more Chthonia, you're in luck, because I'm going to be writing episodes for it until I reach episode thirteen before switching back to Urdumkeit.

Um...about Susumu not changing...I think it's already a bit too late for that.


Okay then. yeha, they arent detailed enoughm I think. That's just me though.
About that last thing I said, forget it. I still like Susumu though. He's my all time fav out of this story.

What were your intentions for him anyway? Was he supposted to be this person everyone felt bad for and left alone so he felt like a loser?
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Posted 9/2/08

narutosasukegal44 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


narutosasukegal44 wrote:

You know what, I definately think you should write more. Somehow i don't quite understand everyone's role. I understand that Susumu is the main character and is supposed to be the good guy (or not) and what not, but everyone else, like Anyu, I'm not seeing why they're there. I'm sure they're important and I wouldn't take them out, but their roles are kinda confusing. Other than that, Very good story, grammer, very good, and yeah, that's it

Oh, and My favorite character is definately Susumu, so what ever you do, DON"T CHANGE HIM!!^^


I'm not entirely sure what confuses you about the other characters. You feel like they aren't detailed enough or something?

By the way, if you are hoping for more Chthonia, you're in luck, because I'm going to be writing episodes for it until I reach episode thirteen before switching back to Urdumkeit.

Um...about Susumu not changing...I think it's already a bit too late for that.


Okay then. yeha, they arent detailed enoughm I think. That's just me though.
About that last thing I said, forget it. I still like Susumu though. He's my all time fav out of this story.

What were your intentions for him anyway? Was he supposted to be this person everyone felt bad for and left alone so he felt like a loser?


For all of the character except Anya, I would agree that I haven't developed them enough (I plan to eventually) I'm surprised that you don't think that Anya is developed enough though.

I'm glad that someone likes Susumu. I'm not certain what I think of him myself, although I do think I could hardly ask for a better main character.

What happened was: Susumu felt bad for himself, forced other people away from him, then felt miserable because he was alone.
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Posted 9/2/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:

For all of the character except Anya, I would agree that I haven't developed them enough (I plan to eventually) I'm surprised that you don't think that Anya is developed enough though.

I'm glad that someone likes Susumu. I'm not certain what I think of him myself, although I do think I could hardly ask for a better main character.

What happened was: Susumu felt bad for himself, forced other people away from him, then felt miserable because he was alone.


I see. Well, I didn't mean Anya. She's pretty easy to understand, but the other characters. What relations they have to the main character and other stuff like that.

And I don't think the readers could ask for a better main character. at least I couldn't. So, you say that he feels bad for himself because him mother passed away or died and he pushes others away because he is afraid of losing them like he did him mom and he is lonely because he has no friends. It somewhat makes sence. I get it. Otherwise, an all around good story.
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Posted 9/6/08 , edited 9/17/08
Episode 3

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Posted 9/13/08
now your story's beginning to be more shounen-like. the feel is decidedly different from your last two episodes, possibly from Susumu's slightly different persona. on a less positive note, it seemed that nothing important happened, making it more of a filler episode. you did give more details about the characters, though.
i wasn't particularly impresses, but it's decent enough.
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Posted 9/13/08 , edited 9/13/08

atelier7 wrote:

now your story's beginning to be more shounen-like. the feel is decidedly different from your last two episodes, possibly from Susumu's slightly different persona. on a less positive note, it seemed that nothing important happened, making it more of a filler episode. you did give more details about the characters, though.
i wasn't particularly impresses, but it's decent enough.


I apoligize about nothing happening. There were simply too many loose ends that needed to be tied up, so in a sense, it is part three of the first plot, not an episode in its own right.

Edit: What about the story seems more shounen-like? I think it might be useful for me to know.
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