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Post Reply "Chthonia" by The_8th_Sin
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Posted 12/5/08
Oh my! I wish there was a visual to aid me with all the girls and boys in the class. It is both a pro and a con that there are so many characters...I see the pros more clearly in my mind as a comic/graphic/anime, but if this were to be made a book, I would definitely criticize such rapid influx of SO MANY PEOPLE! Also, I get the feeling that you warm up while typing, so that the beginning seems more bland and the ending is much better.

Perhaps you're just good at finishing up a chapter/episode?

I wish I could draw this, but so many people would take forever...
The cliffhangers with Kaede cutting herself and Persephone revealing more of her personality were spun wonderfully, as expected of the author of Urdumkeit.

~FORMATTING~
(since I can't help much w/ plot)
At the beginning, the father is talking to himself out loud...a bit odd. I feel that italics representing thought would serve your purpose better there, as well as in all cases of thinking. If you are typing this on Word, you can add in "[italics]" to remind yourself, once you paste it onto CR.
Sometimes, I get a bit tired of the conversation, but I suppose it is necessary. Adding a Kanto accent or some other dialect to the speech may make things more interesting, as well as make characters stand out. "Dont'cha know," "...yeah," are examples of invented dialects. Having a funny onomatopoeia laugh would also help to identify characters. Maybe Anya's laugh is the One Piece "shishishishi" and Susumu's laugh is more of a "pfft-ha"

Because you use so much dialogue, using a different format for other sounds, is, I feel, a fairly important formatting detail (i know, redundant). The THUMP THUMP of the heart could be done by giving it its own line, and typing it in all caps, then all lowercase, then lowercase with periods trailing off. Same for the tap-taps, which are again in quotations.

OR, you could use -THUMP THUMP- , ~THUMP THUMP~, *THUMP THUMP*, anything else to add variety. Formatting isn't important in terms of depth and plot, naturally, but we took a poetry unit recently, and it is quite important because: for now, this is being read by us, not watched in anime form. Different format makes it easier to read.
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Posted 12/5/08

Jojiro wrote:

Oh my! I wish there was a visual to aid me with all the girls and boys in the class. It is both a pro and a con that there are so many characters...I see the pros more clearly in my mind as a comic/graphic/anime, but if this were to be made a book, I would definitely criticize such rapid influx of SO MANY PEOPLE! Also, I get the feeling that you warm up while typing, so that the beginning seems more bland and the ending is much better.

Perhaps you're just good at finishing up a chapter/episode?

I wish I could draw this, but so many people would take forever...
The cliffhangers with Kaede cutting herself and Persephone revealing more of her personality were spun wonderfully, as expected of the author of Urdumkeit.

~FORMATTING~
(since I can't help much w/ plot)
At the beginning, the father is talking to himself out loud...a bit odd. I feel that italics representing thought would serve your purpose better there, as well as in all cases of thinking. If you are typing this on Word, you can add in "[italics]" to remind yourself, once you paste it onto CR.
Sometimes, I get a bit tired of the conversation, but I suppose it is necessary. Adding a Kanto accent or some other dialect to the speech may make things more interesting, as well as make characters stand out. "Dont'cha know," "...yeah," are examples of invented dialects. Having a funny onomatopoeia laugh would also help to identify characters. Maybe Anya's laugh is the One Piece "shishishishi" and Susumu's laugh is more of a "pfft-ha"

Because you use so much dialogue, using a different format for other sounds, is, I feel, a fairly important formatting detail (i know, redundant). The THUMP THUMP of the heart could be done by giving it its own line, and typing it in all caps, then all lowercase, then lowercase with periods trailing off. Same for the tap-taps, which are again in quotations.

OR, you could use -THUMP THUMP- , ~THUMP THUMP~, *THUMP THUMP*, anything else to add variety. Formatting isn't important in terms of depth and plot, naturally, but we took a poetry unit recently, and it is quite important because: for now, this is being read by us, not watched in anime form. Different format makes it easier to read.


Thank you for all of these wonderful tips. I'm going to go back and change some of it soon. But first, I think I will write up a character guide, including character's names as far as they are known and some of their physical and mental characteristics. You can print it out and quickly consult it while reading a chapter to figure out who someone is.
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Posted 12/6/08 , edited 12/10/08
Character Guide (As of Episode 6)


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Posted 12/8/08
That was a good story, if a bit too cliche. It's not bad, but it's nothing special either. Also, I can see your story as a manga, and it doesn't look half-bad. The thing is, with so many school shonen anime around, yours might get lost on the waves.
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Posted 12/8/08 , edited 12/8/08

atelier7 wrote:

That was a good story, if a bit too cliche. It's not bad, but it's nothing special either. Also, I can see your story as a manga, and it doesn't look half-bad. The thing is, with so many school shonen anime around, yours might get lost on the waves.


You make it sound as if it's already over.

Also, although I present it in a cliche way, I find it hard to believe that my premise is cliche. The characters are gaining powers based on underlying emotion problems. The only other anime that I can think of that blends the line of reality and imagination in this way is Paranoia Agent, and it is my primary inspiration. Although it is, out of my three favorite ideas, my least original one, it is still far from mundane.

Oh yeah, and do you have any specific comments on episode 6?
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Posted 12/8/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

That was a good story, if a bit too cliche. It's not bad, but it's nothing special either. Also, I can see your story as a manga, and it doesn't look half-bad. The thing is, with so many school shonen anime around, yours might get lost on the waves.


You make it sound as if it's already over.

Also, although I present it in a cliche way, I find it hard to believe that my premise is cliche. The characters are gaining powers based on underlying emotion problems. The only other anime that I can think of that blends the line of reality and imagination in this way is Paranoia Agent, and it is my primary inspiration. Although it is, out of my three favorite ideas, my least original one, it is still far from mundane.

Oh yeah, and do you have any specific comments on episode 6?


a special class for antagonistic superhumans? a typical anime classroom posse (with the clear exception of Anya)? it's all been done to death before, and you are lacking in one thing: execution. you have to make it more flavorful than other, similar, manga.

i don't see the connection of their emotional problems to their powers, sadly.

Episode 6 was nice, if a bit bland on the side. there were some rather cynically funny bits of dialogue ("Shizuka, it's your time to shine") but it was digestible. :)

Your story was not mundane; rather, it lacks something, something that would suddenly pop up in our minds while staring into oblivion, something that would make people quote random sayings from your text.
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Posted 12/9/08

atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

That was a good story, if a bit too cliche. It's not bad, but it's nothing special either. Also, I can see your story as a manga, and it doesn't look half-bad. The thing is, with so many school shonen anime around, yours might get lost on the waves.


You make it sound as if it's already over.

Also, although I present it in a cliche way, I find it hard to believe that my premise is cliche. The characters are gaining powers based on underlying emotion problems. The only other anime that I can think of that blends the line of reality and imagination in this way is Paranoia Agent, and it is my primary inspiration. Although it is, out of my three favorite ideas, my least original one, it is still far from mundane.

Oh yeah, and do you have any specific comments on episode 6?


a special class for antagonistic superhumans? a typical anime classroom posse (with the clear exception of Anya)? it's all been done to death before, and you are lacking in one thing: execution. you have to make it more flavorful than other, similar, manga.

i don't see the connection of their emotional problems to their powers, sadly.

Episode 6 was nice, if a bit bland on the side. there were some rather cynically funny bits of dialogue ("Shizuka, it's your time to shine") but it was digestible. :)

Your story was not mundane; rather, it lacks something, something that would suddenly pop up in our minds while staring into oblivion, something that would make people quote random sayings from your text.


This is very, very bad. If you don't see the connection between the powers and the emotional problems, then I have failed as an author and Chthonia is worthless. Such a vital premise needs to be clearly established when it first appears. Can you give me some tips on how to make the connection more clear?

By the way, I had no idea that that line was funny; I didn't particularly intend it to be.

Random quoting seems to be the kind of thing that Naruto or Bleach would get, and I am not trying to be Naruto or Bleach. That is not to say that random quoting neccesarily means my story is a Naruto or Bleach clone, but I don't think it's healthy for a writer to try to think about the final result in that way.

As always, thank you for the input.
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Posted 12/9/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

That was a good story, if a bit too cliche. It's not bad, but it's nothing special either. Also, I can see your story as a manga, and it doesn't look half-bad. The thing is, with so many school shonen anime around, yours might get lost on the waves.


You make it sound as if it's already over.

Also, although I present it in a cliche way, I find it hard to believe that my premise is cliche. The characters are gaining powers based on underlying emotion problems. The only other anime that I can think of that blends the line of reality and imagination in this way is Paranoia Agent, and it is my primary inspiration. Although it is, out of my three favorite ideas, my least original one, it is still far from mundane.

Oh yeah, and do you have any specific comments on episode 6?


a special class for antagonistic superhumans? a typical anime classroom posse (with the clear exception of Anya)? it's all been done to death before, and you are lacking in one thing: execution. you have to make it more flavorful than other, similar, manga.

i don't see the connection of their emotional problems to their powers, sadly.

Episode 6 was nice, if a bit bland on the side. there were some rather cynically funny bits of dialogue ("Shizuka, it's your time to shine") but it was digestible. :)

Your story was not mundane; rather, it lacks something, something that would suddenly pop up in our minds while staring into oblivion, something that would make people quote random sayings from your text.


This is very, very bad. If you don't see the connection between the powers and the emotional problems, then I have failed as an author and Chthonia is worthless. Such a vital premise needs to be clearly established when it first appears. Can you give me some tips on how to make the connection more clear?

By the way, I had no idea that that line was funny; I didn't particularly intend it to be.

Random quoting seems to be the kind of thing that Naruto or Bleach would get, and I am not trying to be Naruto or Bleach. That is not to say that random quoting neccesarily means my story is a Naruto or Bleach clone, but I don't think it's healthy for a writer to try to think about the final result in that way.

As always, thank you for the input.


you can always try narration: you've proved your proficiency in writing through an onlooker's eyes.

well, now you know that that line sounds so cheesy. :)

but you do want your story to be remembered, at the very least.
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Posted 12/10/08 , edited 12/10/08

atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

That was a good story, if a bit too cliche. It's not bad, but it's nothing special either. Also, I can see your story as a manga, and it doesn't look half-bad. The thing is, with so many school shonen anime around, yours might get lost on the waves.


You make it sound as if it's already over.

Also, although I present it in a cliche way, I find it hard to believe that my premise is cliche. The characters are gaining powers based on underlying emotion problems. The only other anime that I can think of that blends the line of reality and imagination in this way is Paranoia Agent, and it is my primary inspiration. Although it is, out of my three favorite ideas, my least original one, it is still far from mundane.

Oh yeah, and do you have any specific comments on episode 6?


a special class for antagonistic superhumans? a typical anime classroom posse (with the clear exception of Anya)? it's all been done to death before, and you are lacking in one thing: execution. you have to make it more flavorful than other, similar, manga.

i don't see the connection of their emotional problems to their powers, sadly.

Episode 6 was nice, if a bit bland on the side. there were some rather cynically funny bits of dialogue ("Shizuka, it's your time to shine") but it was digestible. :)

Your story was not mundane; rather, it lacks something, something that would suddenly pop up in our minds while staring into oblivion, something that would make people quote random sayings from your text.


This is very, very bad. If you don't see the connection between the powers and the emotional problems, then I have failed as an author and Chthonia is worthless. Such a vital premise needs to be clearly established when it first appears. Can you give me some tips on how to make the connection more clear?

By the way, I had no idea that that line was funny; I didn't particularly intend it to be.

Random quoting seems to be the kind of thing that Naruto or Bleach would get, and I am not trying to be Naruto or Bleach. That is not to say that random quoting neccesarily means my story is a Naruto or Bleach clone, but I don't think it's healthy for a writer to try to think about the final result in that way.

As always, thank you for the input.


you can always try narration: you've proved your proficiency in writing through an onlooker's eyes.

well, now you know that that line sounds so cheesy. :)

but you do want your story to be remembered, at the very least. :)


But I can't use narration. Narration in anime and manga is really lame; remember, my goal is to make these stories into animes and/or mangas.

Yes, I did realize it was cheesy, but I was just writing the kind of thing that Emberi-sensei would say. I didn't realize it was funny.

I will not write to achieve a goal. I'd rather not be remembered than remembered for a polluted and corrupted product. I do think that what I have planned is memorable enough, so I'm not worried at the moment.

Oh yeah. And are you sure you can see the connection between Susumu's emotional problem and his power? I can understand if you fail to see the connection between Iwao's problem and his power, because that connection was dubious at best (I didn't want to waste a really good fighting style on him), but Susumu does have a clear connection to his power. Reread the first two episodes; if you don't see it, then I'm embarassed.
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Posted 12/12/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

That was a good story, if a bit too cliche. It's not bad, but it's nothing special either. Also, I can see your story as a manga, and it doesn't look half-bad. The thing is, with so many school shonen anime around, yours might get lost on the waves.


You make it sound as if it's already over.

Also, although I present it in a cliche way, I find it hard to believe that my premise is cliche. The characters are gaining powers based on underlying emotion problems. The only other anime that I can think of that blends the line of reality and imagination in this way is Paranoia Agent, and it is my primary inspiration. Although it is, out of my three favorite ideas, my least original one, it is still far from mundane.

Oh yeah, and do you have any specific comments on episode 6?


a special class for antagonistic superhumans? a typical anime classroom posse (with the clear exception of Anya)? it's all been done to death before, and you are lacking in one thing: execution. you have to make it more flavorful than other, similar, manga.

i don't see the connection of their emotional problems to their powers, sadly.

Episode 6 was nice, if a bit bland on the side. there were some rather cynically funny bits of dialogue ("Shizuka, it's your time to shine") but it was digestible. :)

Your story was not mundane; rather, it lacks something, something that would suddenly pop up in our minds while staring into oblivion, something that would make people quote random sayings from your text.


This is very, very bad. If you don't see the connection between the powers and the emotional problems, then I have failed as an author and Chthonia is worthless. Such a vital premise needs to be clearly established when it first appears. Can you give me some tips on how to make the connection more clear?

By the way, I had no idea that that line was funny; I didn't particularly intend it to be.

Random quoting seems to be the kind of thing that Naruto or Bleach would get, and I am not trying to be Naruto or Bleach. That is not to say that random quoting neccesarily means my story is a Naruto or Bleach clone, but I don't think it's healthy for a writer to try to think about the final result in that way.

As always, thank you for the input.


you can always try narration: you've proved your proficiency in writing through an onlooker's eyes.

well, now you know that that line sounds so cheesy. :)

but you do want your story to be remembered, at the very least. :)


But I can't use narration. Narration in anime and manga is really lame; remember, my goal is to make these stories into animes and/or mangas.

Yes, I did realize it was cheesy, but I was just writing the kind of thing that Emberi-sensei would say. I didn't realize it was funny.

I will not write to achieve a goal. I'd rather not be remembered than remembered for a polluted and corrupted product. I do think that what I have planned is memorable enough, so I'm not worried at the moment.

Oh yeah. And are you sure you can see the connection between Susumu's emotional problem and his power? I can understand if you fail to see the connection between Iwao's problem and his power, because that connection was dubious at best (I didn't want to waste a really good fighting style on him), but Susumu does have a clear connection to his power. Reread the first two episodes; if you don't see it, then I'm embarassed.


not at all. narration in manga is hard to pull off, but exceedingly plausible. take, for example, hunter x hunter. it is full of narration, but so wittingly adapted to the image the narration bubble is in. there's also watchmen, whose layered narration complements the pictures.
if, however, you still do not want to narrate, you can opt to insert the appropriate dialogue or a fitting image (e.g. a page is full of flashbacks of bad memories, then the next page sees Susumu having the spikes).

ah, well, whatever suits you. however, it is part of your job to keep the reader's hooked until you pour the last drops of your creative juice into their throats.

i do see slivers of the connection: a creature with spikes is normally alone since others do not want to go near it; piercing heartache.
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Posted 12/12/08

atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

This is very, very bad. If you don't see the connection between the powers and the emotional problems, then I have failed as an author and Chthonia is worthless. Such a vital premise needs to be clearly established when it first appears. Can you give me some tips on how to make the connection more clear?

By the way, I had no idea that that line was funny; I didn't particularly intend it to be.

Random quoting seems to be the kind of thing that Naruto or Bleach would get, and I am not trying to be Naruto or Bleach. That is not to say that random quoting neccesarily means my story is a Naruto or Bleach clone, but I don't think it's healthy for a writer to try to think about the final result in that way.

As always, thank you for the input.


you can always try narration: you've proved your proficiency in writing through an onlooker's eyes.

well, now you know that that line sounds so cheesy. :)

but you do want your story to be remembered, at the very least. :)


But I can't use narration. Narration in anime and manga is really lame; remember, my goal is to make these stories into animes and/or mangas.

Yes, I did realize it was cheesy, but I was just writing the kind of thing that Emberi-sensei would say. I didn't realize it was funny.

I will not write to achieve a goal. I'd rather not be remembered than remembered for a polluted and corrupted product. I do think that what I have planned is memorable enough, so I'm not worried at the moment.

Oh yeah. And are you sure you can see the connection between Susumu's emotional problem and his power? I can understand if you fail to see the connection between Iwao's problem and his power, because that connection was dubious at best (I didn't want to waste a really good fighting style on him), but Susumu does have a clear connection to his power. Reread the first two episodes; if you don't see it, then I'm embarassed.


not at all. narration in manga is hard to pull off, but exceedingly plausible. take, for example, hunter x hunter. it is full of narration, but so wittingly adapted to the image the narration bubble is in. there's also watchmen, whose layered narration complements the pictures.
if, however, you still do not want to narrate, you can opt to insert the appropriate dialogue or a fitting image (e.g. a page is full of flashbacks of bad memories, then the next page sees Susumu having the spikes).

ah, well, whatever suits you. however, it is part of your job to keep the reader's hooked until you pour the last drops of your creative juice into their throats.

i do see slivers of the connection: a creature with spikes is normally alone since others do not want to go near it; piercing heartache.


I'm glad that the connection is at least noticable upon close examination. One of the most important moments for creating the connection however, is when Susumu is leaving his Science class, having just met Anya for the first time:

“This girl…she’s almost as bad as Satou!” he thought, “No. She’s worse than Satou! Her voice; her hair; her stupidity; everything about her seems like it was made to piss me off! Her very presence is infuriating somehow! Everything she says and does is an attack! How can I defend myself? How can I keep her away from me?”

“Got you!” said Anya, and she hugged him from behind.

Izanagi yelped in surprise and a spike shot out of his back, right into Anya.

She cried out in pain and jumped backwards.


This, I thought was a significant line. After all, it makes the spikes' purpose clear. He is asking himself "How can I keep her away?" and the spikes present themselves as a solution. They are a means of isolation.

I appreciate the suggestions, but I was going for something different, I was trying to show, not tell.

By the way, on the bright side, even if you hadn't noticed the connections between characters' powers and their emotional problems by now, episode 7 will beat you over the head with it.
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hey! i read it! lol, i had nothing to do and i am home sick. and then i thought, Why dont i read this story, he has been wanting me to for quite some time. So i did! haha, it is pretty good. not sure if it is a story i would like, because it contradicts my ideas on humanity and all that. but maybe that is just one perspective of humanity, and this transfer student is here to change his ideas on life? Possibly? im not sure, but i will continue to read it to see how it unravels. For criticism? i am not sure if i have anything to really complain about, except for the fact that i think you need a character who is likable, doesnt have to be necessary, but i am wondering if u have already thought of this, and that this character will be anya. Thats about all i have to say for now; i look forward to reading your next episode to see if my ideas happen or not, lol. nice job. (a little too much on the f-word for me, but it's your story)
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I just realized you have the next episode, hmm.. maybe you could edit the second post of some1 and copy paste your second episode into there, that way the episodes will be easier to find
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Ichigo-bankai wrote:

I just realized you have the next episode, hmm.. maybe you could edit the second post of some1 and copy paste your second episode into there, that way the episodes will be easier to find


I put them up as pages on my profile, so you could read them there. The only reason I still post them here is to make quoting easier for reader feedback.
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Ichigo-bankai wrote:

hey! i read it! lol, i had nothing to do and i am home sick. and then i thought, Why dont i read this story, he has been wanting me to for quite some time. So i did! haha, it is pretty good. not sure if it is a story i would like, because it contradicts my ideas on humanity and all that. but maybe that is just one perspective of humanity, and this transfer student is here to change his ideas on life? Possibly? im not sure, but i will continue to read it to see how it unravels. For criticism? i am not sure if i have anything to really complain about, except for the fact that i think you need a character who is likable, doesnt have to be necessary, but i am wondering if u have already thought of this, and that this character will be anya. Thats about all i have to say for now; i look forward to reading your next episode to see if my ideas happen or not, lol. nice job. (a little too much on the f-word for me, but it's your story)


Thanks for the feedback.

I'm curious about your ideas on humanity. By the way, keep in mind that Izanagi's views on humanity are not neccesarily being endorsed in this story. His view is just another view. As far as his views being changed, I really recommend that you read the other episodes.

Please read further. I'd love to hear what you think.
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