First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
Post Reply "Epitaph of the World" by Dmitri (dmitrivalentine)
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/10/08 , edited 2/6/09
hihk
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/11/08 , edited 2/6/09
ngjhb
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 8/11/08
The setting is...interesting, to say the least. I don't see why you didn't simply have all of this occur in the past. If you insist on making the magic system based in evolution, then you can simply make it an alternate timeline where humans had evolved to that point in the Middle Ages.

The worst thing about the story is the rushed pace, the lack of detailed descriptions, and a few bits of unconvincing dialogue.

First of all, I would have prefered to figure out about the setting and Miguel's past through in-story details, rather than an introduction. Better still, take out the introduction entirely and simply start on the ship, the only evidence that he is a prince being his dialogue or asides. When Graado shows up, definitely have Miguel say "Valentine!" but don't then explain what Valentine is. Details about Valentine should be revealed at whatever pace feels neccesary to you, but don't just throw it out there like that.

The "Eds" were introduced oddly. The only one that got described was Red, and it was only the color of his hair being described. The others were introduced by name only. Most of them didn't even have the honor of recieving their own sentences, instead being described together in a one sentence list. If you hope to differentiate characters from one another, you have to start from the moment you introduce them. Just a physical description is enough for readers to keep track of them at first, but you also must develop their personalities quickly too. My advice: you have a fight scene with Arow to get to. You may simply not have enough time to develop the new characters right now. Why not have Miguel meet Red alone, or with only a couple of other people? He can meet with the other members later. The other option is to increase the length of your episode and describe all of the new characters.

Regardless of whether he was a member of an evil organization, the doctor's reaction to Miguel's recovery from a coma was underwhelming. If he really had been in a coma for a year, the doctor would not be so unphased by Miguel's sudden awakening. And if he had not been, then the doctor was lying and would have wanted to pretend to be surpised, otherwise it wouldn't be believable. For now, however, I'm assuming he really was in a year-long coma.

The best thing about this story is the level of clarity, especially in the action scenes. In some of the stories in this group, the writers see what the action scene would look like so clearly, that they forget to write down details that they take for granted. I didn't get lost even once in your action scenes.

There are a lot of problems in the story, but the action is wonderful. Action is, by far, the hardest thing to fix. You'll find the other problems aren't as difficult to solve as they might seem to be.
Rookie
286 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Nothingness (dead)
Offline
Posted 8/11/08
...shock. first, i am astounded by the story. then, i am astounded by the next story. then, i am further astounded by the afterword critical analysis thingy...the_8th_sin and Sirberius MUST not meet personally.

they would...

...kill each other.
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 8/11/08

Nirvana_Joji wrote:

...shock. first, i am astounded by the story. then, i am astounded by the next story. then, i am further astounded by the afterword critical analysis thingy...the_8th_sin and Sirberius MUST not meet personally.

they would...

...kill each other.


Why would we kill each other?
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/11/08 , edited 8/11/08
Jojiro, Sin and Sirberius have met. In Demonic Army. As for the members of Dusk, they are described in the chapter after the battle with Arow. As for doctor... [deleted]. And there's a reason for explaining the setting and Miguel's past in the beginning. If it's bugging u too much, PM me and ill reveal y
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 8/11/08 , edited 8/11/08

dmitrivalentine wrote:

Jojiro, Sin and Sirberius have met. In Demonic Army. As for the members of Dusk, they are described in the chapter after the battle with Arow. As for doctor...
And there's a reason for explaining the setting and Miguel's past in the beginning. If it's bugging u too much, PM me and ill reveal y


That's enough to satisfy me on those details. I wish you hadn't told me about the doctor's plan, because it didn't really answer any of my questions and it did spoil the plot. For the sake of other people who want to read the story without spoilers, you should probably remove that part. GB me if you do it so that I can modify this post as well.
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/12/08 , edited 2/6/09
gjgvmbj
Rookie
286 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Nothingness (dead)
Offline
Posted 8/12/08
yeah, but that group isn't story-oriented. then again, who knows? on a good day Sirb might listen.

reading your story, it really does fit with this group. if i read it like a novel, it is choppy and a bit too quick. but when visualized, it flows much better and really would make quite a nice graphic. if you ever go permanently into manga/anime as a profession, you'll be quite successful, no doubt.

out of the manga I've looked at, this is most similar to the manga Black Cat...quickly-paced with really nice action scenes, organizations fighting each other, and a person thrown in that isnt' in either organization but is involved due to conflict. dunno if you've read it, but the styles are similar.
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/12/08

Nirvana_Joji wrote:

yeah, but that group isn't story-oriented. then again, who knows? on a good day Sirb might listen.

reading your story, it really does fit with this group. if i read it like a novel, it is choppy and a bit too quick. but when visualized, it flows much better and really would make quite a nice graphic. if you ever go permanently into manga/anime as a profession, you'll be quite successful, no doubt.

out of the manga I've looked at, this is most similar to the manga Black Cat...quickly-paced with really nice action scenes, organizations fighting each other, and a person thrown in that isnt' in either organization but is involved due to conflict. dunno if you've read it, but the styles are similar.


ive watched Black Cat before but this is not based off that. not all the key players have been introduced yet. and "Epitaph of the World" was originally something I thought up a while back that could be used as a rpg (originally it was two but i decided to make it one and call it "Epitaph of the World", the original title were horrible (Journey to Twilight and Chase for Holy))
Rookie
286 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Nothingness (dead)
Offline
Posted 8/12/08
What does epitaph mean? Srry...
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/13/08

Nirvana_Joji wrote:

What does epitaph mean? Srry...


Epitaph is a text honoring something or someone deseased or destroyed. usually they're on gravestones but they can be epic tales and stories. like the Epitaph of Twilight from .hack. The reason i call the 'power users' Epitaphs is because they are the end of the human race. the beginning of a new breed. the possible cause for human extinction. its basically revealed later on
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/13/08 , edited 2/6/09
utikl
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/22/08
probably going to put this on hold until i can finish "Isolation"
Member
1140 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
29 / M
Offline
Posted 8/29/08
this lacks loads of polish. seriously. you introduced the characters too quickly, not giving time for suspense, nor foreshadowing. incidentally, the characters are at best defined by the titles they have, and that is a bad thing, you want your characters known by deeds they do, not names they have. the dialogue and narration is lacking in details.
at times, there are too much details. you don't have to explain organizations, secret plans and such wayfare right off the bat.
and for logic mishaps, i do not see the importance and impact of the prologue, nor the feel of a post-apocalyptic society. it may as well be medevial. the valentines and eds were poorly defined, and there is no feeling of threat or power from them, they may as well be random foot soldiers. with nice names to brag about.
all in all, your characters are moving, talking straw dolls, disposable and forgettable. the action is good, but you're depriving readers of the anticipation for the action, which, as many say, is half the pleasure.
p.s. and about the "magic", you have to set limits for it, otherwise it might become your scapegoat if you're stuck on what to write next. please define the spells. obvious names do help but what if you wanted something really cool-sounding, like 'erudition', or 'zalamel'?
First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.