First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
Post Reply "Epitaph of the World" by Dmitri (dmitrivalentine)
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/29/08

atelier7 wrote:

this lacks loads of polish. seriously. you introduced the characters too quickly, not giving time for suspense, nor foreshadowing. incidentally, the characters are at best defined by the titles they have, and that is a bad thing, you want your characters known by deeds they do, not names they have. the dialogue and narration is lacking in details.
at times, there are too much details. you don't have to explain organizations, secret plans and such wayfare right off the bat.
and for logic mishaps, i do not see the importance and impact of the prologue, nor the feel of a post-apocalyptic society. it may as well be medevial. the valentines and eds were poorly defined, and there is no feeling of threat or power from them, they may as well be random foot soldiers. with nice names to brag about.
all in all, your characters are moving, talking straw dolls, disposable and forgettable. the action is good, but you're depriving readers of the anticipation for the action, which, as many say, is half the pleasure.
p.s. and about the "magic", you have to set limits for it, otherwise it might become your scapegoat if you're stuck on what to write next. please define the spells. obvious names do help but what if you wanted something really cool-sounding, like 'erudition', or 'zalamel'?


remember that i based this off an rpg idea i had a while ago i abandoned. basically out of Dusk, only a few are important. you find out more about the characters in later chapters. and about the magic limits and stuff is explained in the chapter im currently working on
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/29/08 , edited 2/6/09
kjbkbm
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/29/08 , edited 2/6/09
hjhbm
Member
1140 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
29 / M
Offline
Posted 8/30/08

dmitrivalentine wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

this lacks loads of polish. seriously. you introduced the characters too quickly, not giving time for suspense, nor foreshadowing. incidentally, the characters are at best defined by the titles they have, and that is a bad thing, you want your characters known by deeds they do, not names they have. the dialogue and narration is lacking in details.
at times, there are too much details. you don't have to explain organizations, secret plans and such wayfare right off the bat.
and for logic mishaps, i do not see the importance and impact of the prologue, nor the feel of a post-apocalyptic society. it may as well be medevial. the valentines and eds were poorly defined, and there is no feeling of threat or power from them, they may as well be random foot soldiers. with nice names to brag about.
all in all, your characters are moving, talking straw dolls, disposable and forgettable. the action is good, but you're depriving readers of the anticipation for the action, which, as many say, is half the pleasure.
p.s. and about the "magic", you have to set limits for it, otherwise it might become your scapegoat if you're stuck on what to write next. please define the spells. obvious names do help but what if you wanted something really cool-sounding, like 'erudition', or 'zalamel'?


remember that i based this off an rpg idea i had a while ago i abandoned. basically out of Dusk, only a few are important. you find out more about the characters in later chapters. and about the magic limits and stuff is explained in the chapter im currently working on


onwards to the next chapter, dmitri! make me eat my criticism! :)) at least if you fall, you'll fall forward.
Rookie
6336 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Above Wherever I...
Offline
Posted 8/30/08
I must constantly consider this a game instead of a story...huh...that sucks. But I really love rereading the fight scenes.
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 8/30/08
most of my battle-writing experience comes from Mystic Community. i wonder if anyone will discover who The Unnamed Person is
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 9/2/08
The last few chapters went somewhat smoothly.

You still have the very same problems with the development of characters. The "Eds" simply don't have disernable personalities. Your approach seems to be to ignore this, rather than correct this. If this were an RPG, then I wouldn't care nearly as much, because the plots of RPGs, generally speaking, are more sloppy than plots of animes. However, that's no reason to give up. Why be satisfied with shallow characters when you could do better? Currently, you seem to simply be killing them off. I suppose that eventually, there will be few enough characters that development is easy, but that's seems like a strange approach to me.

The battle with Sanzu was good. As usual, the action was easy to follow. It felt like classic shonen action stuff and seems like it would be good in anime form. Plus, the fact that their opponent was murdered after the heroes had left on good terms, is a slightly cliche, but extremely satisfying. The line "Maybe he will like this," is an example of foreshadowing, which was conspicuously absent up to this point.

By the way, did one of the "Eds" run away or something? Because I swear there was something like that.
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 9/2/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:

The last few chapters went somewhat smoothly.

You still have the very same problems with the development of characters. The "Eds" simply don't have disernable personalities. Your approach seems to be to ignore this, rather than correct this. If this were an RPG, then I wouldn't care nearly as much, because the plots of RPGs, generally speaking, are more sloppy than plots of animes. However, that's no reason to give up. Why be satisfied with shallow characters when you could do better? Currently, you seem to simply be killing them off. I suppose that eventually, there will be few enough characters that development is easy, but that's seems like a strange approach to me.

The battle with Sanzu was good. As usual, the action was easy to follow. It felt like classic shonen action stuff and seems like it would be good in anime form. Plus, the fact that their opponent was murdered after the heroes had left on good terms, is a slightly cliche, but extremely satisfying. The line "Maybe he will like this," is an example of foreshadowing, which was conspicuously absent up to this point.

By the way, did one of the "Eds" run away or something? Because I swear there was something like that.


in a couple chapters i have a twist which will allow me to mold the "Eds" better. And there were no rogue "Eds", one (Sed, the Warrior) was killed by Arow.
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 9/3/08 , edited 2/6/09
gbbvmbbk
Rookie
13715 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
Offline
Posted 9/16/08 , edited 2/6/09
kutuygk
Posted 1/15/09 , edited 1/15/09
I like post-apocalyptic fiction so I guess this is a story for me, I'll be reading it soon.
I noticed a thing when I read a part of your story :
Ehh... no offense, but I guess you could be more creative with names... I mean : Red, Zed, Jed, and Ved ? You only need to change capital letter. Altough it's funny and I never heard Ved before.
First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.