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Posted 8/12/08 , edited 8/12/08
Isolation: Chapter 1.

The elevator door opened out came fifteen people. They all sat at the two glass table in the main room of the bunker. A screen in front of them turned on.
The screen showed a woman with disorted pixels over her face. She was the host of the new television series Isolation. Her name was Ai I. Abella.
The fifteen people in sitting at the two glass tables are players on Isolation.
“Welcome to Isolation,” said Ai, “for the next thirty days, you will be trapped down here.”
“Woo-hoo!” cheered a spunky twenty-year old.
“Now, as you know, there is a one million cash prize,” continued Abella. There was another “Woo-hoo!” and then she went on to say “but there is a problem. One of you is not a player on Isolation.”
“Vhat?” asked a Russian woman with a strong accent.
“Yes, one of you is a spy. A mole if you will. He will do whatever it takes to prevent one of you from gaining that one million dollars.”
“And who is the spy?” asked the blunt man who could easily be mistaken as part of the mafia.
“I’m afraid that’s all I can tell you, well, except that he’s codenamed Mr.E. Well, since this is your first night, I think we should all introduce ourselves. As I stated earlier, I am Ai Abella. Who’s next?”
The Irish man with very red hair stood up first. “Well, my name is Dmitri I. Valentine and I’m an architect.”
The strict looking brunette got up next. “I’m Alice B. Dubious and I’m a scientist.”
“More like Boob-ious,” joked the youngest of the group. He gave her the ‘call me’ sign.
The Russian woman slapped the college student on the side of the face.
“Oh, feisty,” said the college student, “just how I like them.”
Before the Russian woman could slap him again, the mafia-looking man got up and said “The name’s Giovanni E. Jackson, I’m a banker. Anyone says I’m with the Mafia and your gonna wish the mafia got to you instead of me.” After seeing the serious looks on everyone’s faces, he laughed. “I’m kidding, take it easy.”
“Taking it easy is what I plan to do,” said the red-haired woman with a lot of freckles. “I’m Chef Molly V. Darceman.”
“Looks like I’m next,” said the spunky twenty-year old as he got up. “Hey everyone, I’m Matt, Matthew N. Smith.” Everyone did a little “hello.”
Next was the woman with glasses. “I’m Gwen C. Miller, a nurse at a local hospital. If I win, I’m going to use the money to go to school again to become a doctor.”
“Good luck with that but I’m gonna cream you,” said the man who was sitting in his seat strangely. “Oh, I’m Mac S. Otwohson and I’m a music teacher.”
“What a strange name,” commented the college student. “What is it? Dorkish?” The college student began to laugh hysterically.
“It’s Swiss. The name got changed when my ancestors came to America. Since you’re making fun of everyone’s names, let’s here yours.”
“Fine. I am Romeo P. Owens.” He eyed the blonde at the opposite table. “I think you can guess why the call me Rome, eh sweet cheeks?”
“Why, gonna drink some poison to save our sanity?” remarked the blonde woman.
Romeo’s grin turned into a frown. He quietly returned to his seat.
“I’ll introduce myself,” said black-haired man who had all his cigarettes confiscated before going on the elevator. “I am Joel C. Ashford and I’m a newspaper editor. Luckily I have Bob looking things over for me while I get myself a million bucks.”
“If that happens, I’ll find a way to sue you and take it from you,” said the well groomed man. “My name is Salazar Y. Ruuso and I am a defender of justice.”
“So a lawyer,” said the brown-haired man who didn’t shave properly. “I’m Max A. Zeticason and I’m a construction worker.” He looked around the bunker. “I’d sure like to build one of these things.”
The paranoid man who was biting a pen got up afterwards. “I’m Dr. Brian O. Elm. No need to call me Dr. Elm, just Brian well do.”
The Japanese man came afterwards. “You may know me from the newspaper and television, I am the vice president of InsurAnts: Suzuki K. Takoyama.” He gave a look at Joel.
As Suzuki sat down, the Russian woman got up. I am Dominique C. Moringkovitch. A model and a good one at that.”
“Moringkovitch?” asked Romeo, “more like Moringko-bitch.”
“Zat tis Ms. Moringko-bitch to you,” snapped Dominique.
The last contestant got up. “Hey everyone, I’m Liuka T. Maron and I’m an author.” As quickly as she got up, she had sat back down.
Ai gave a little clap. “Well, that concludes the introductions…” The screen became staticky and fuzzy. Finally her image was unrecognizedable. Suddenly the static was replaced to an animated hooded person.
“Welcome,” the deep voice said, “I am Mr. E.”
Everyone in the room became quiet. Joel took out a pad of paper while Dmitri leaned forward.
“All of you don’t belong here,” said E, “I don’t want you here. Constantly I will try to sabotage this bunker. Every other day one of you will die. How do you ask? Well, a certain behavior or task is selected each day. The first to do so will end up dead.”
The screen returned to the image of Ai.
“Well, that seems to be the work of Mr. E,” said Ai, “he appears to be good with computers. Well, anyway, good luck and good night.”
The screen shut off.
The fifteen contestants got up. They looked around the bunker.
The lobby where the two glass tables was the largest room in the bunker. On either side were dorms; one for the girls and one for the guys. There were two bathrooms and only one had a shower. In the room next to the lobby was the lounge. There were ten pieces of furniture, each of different design. Right off the lounge was a kitchen which greatly excited Molly. Opposite of the kitchen by the lounge was an office space with a computer not hooked up to the internet; Matt and Joel were pleased about that. There were many doors that were locked.
Giovanni, Max, Dominique, and Liuka sat down on armchairs.
“Okay, we need to find out who this spy is and fast,” said Giovanni, “right now I’m hoping one of you is not the spy.”
“I’m not,” said Max.
“Nor am I,” said Dominique.
“I’m not either,” said Liuka, “I’m a real author. Has anyone read Espionage Crusade? No? Pheonix of Torgonia?”
No one seemed to recognize the books. Liuka sighed.
“Well, any theories yet?” asked Giovanni.
“Ze college student iz too ztupid,” said Dominique, “I’m done commercials for InsurAnts before. Suzuki Takoyama is clean.”
“The music teacher, Mac, I don’t think he’s right in the head either.” He eyed the kitchen where Mac was talking to Molly.
“What about the newspaper editor?” asked Liuka.
“I don’t think so,” said Giovanni, “Max?”
“Dmitri Valentine,” said Max, “he is the spy.”
“How can you so zure?” asked Dominique.
“I’ve worked around architects my whole life. They have like a presence to them. I’m not getting it from him.”
Salazar and Dmitri walked in. “What’s going on?” asked Salazar.
“Nothing much,” said Giovanni, “just getting ready for tomorrow.”
They all went to bed.

That night, one contestant was ‘killed’ by E.
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Posted 8/13/08 , edited 8/23/08


Dear god, it's Mafia! This stuff is awesome. I will be waiting eagerly for more!

All characters are introduced sufficiently, using names and partial descriptions. In the end, that's all that the story needs to be successful from this point. The only thing it's going to need is a clever twist, but there's no reason to believe you won't have one, so I'll be patient for now.

How many episodes will there be?
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Posted 8/13/08 , edited 8/23/08


hm, probably thirteen or fourteen. each chapter, someone is 'killed'. and giovanni isnt part of the mafia. i said he looks like he's from the mafia. or is he...
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Posted 8/13/08


Hmmmm, well I'd say its too early to guess who Mr. E is, but I'd probably guess that the college student might be the first to go, but not going to say for certain, because there's still a chance I'm wrong. I'll wait to find out in the next chapter
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Posted 8/13/08
youll have to wait until next week to find out
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Posted 8/17/08
Isolation: Chapter 2

Fourteen contestants entered the lobby. Streaking across a table was a pile of blood. A tile from the roof was on the ground, broken.
“Is zat… blood?” asked Dominique.
“Blo-Blo-Blood!” panicked Mac.
Mac ran to the elevator. He manically pressed the ‘open’ button a few dozen times but it wouldn’t open. When he realized it wasn’t working. He quietly went to a corner and ate a candy bar.
Alice went over to the blood. She put her finger in it and licked it.
“Syrup mixed with red food coloring,” said Alice, “fake blood.”
Everybody sighed. They all sat the tables; most trying to cram the table without the fake blood. After some persuasion from Brian, Mac finally joined the others.
The screen turned on. E was on it again.
“Good day, survivors,” greeted E, “it appears there was a construction accident. A tile fell and killed poor Mr. Zeticason. Well, that’s why construction workers are so unreliable. Anyways, welcome to day 2. There are thirteen people left for me to kill. And so you know, the food supplies are replenished every day so you’re able to eat as much as you want.”
The screen turned off. Molly got up.
“Who wants breakfast?” asked Molly.

Molly had served up pancakes for breakfast. Matthew had been playing with the controls for the screen when he found a remote. It turned out they could watch television. Most of them watched a marathon.
Giovanni, Dominique, and Liuka met in the lounge again.
“It has to be Dmitri Valentine,” said Liuka, “after Max Zeticason said that Dmitri Valentine was the spy, he was killed off.”
“I don’t know,” said Giovanni, “could be coincidence.”
“For now we should keep an eye on him and be careful to avoid arising suspicion.”
“If so, zen we need to find someone else to pretend to think iz ze mole,” said Dominique.
“I like your thinking,” said Giovanni, “how about Mac Otwohson?”
“Nice choice,” agreed Liuka, “I think it’ll work.”
From the bathroom, Brian was listening the entire time.

Joel entered the male dorm. Suzuki was on a bed, reading a book called Facts about Mitochondrial Apoptosis-induced Channel. He noticed Joel.
“Hello, Joel-san,” greeted Suzuki.
Joel sat down.
“I want your help,” said Joel.
“Huh?” asked Suzuki.
“Everyone else is forming their own little groups.”
“So you want to do the same? They’re only doing that because they’re scared and are trying to find out who they can trust. But they don’t know if one of their own is the mole. But I know you’re not.”
“Oh yeah, you’ve read about me haven’t you.”
“Yeah,” said Joel, “I think the model may be innocent too. When I spoke with Mac earlier, he seemed to know about my paper doing columns on the teacher’s award.”
“Mac-san got a teacher’s award?”
“No, but some of the teachers from some Robert Philip Hanssen Middle School did.”
“So let’s try to get our facts straight. First, I am the vice president of InsurAnts, an insurance company known to donate to the Maredza Research Institute, thus, not the mole. Secondly, Joel Ashford, newspaper editor of…”
“… Greenburg Daily…” Joel filled in.
“and is not the mole. Third, possible non-moles are Dominique Moringkovitch and Mac Otwohson. Fourth, Liuka Marun, claimed author, is possible not the mole. Wait a sec…” Suzuki’s eyes widened.
“What is it?” asked Joel.
“Remember what Giovanni said his name was. Giovanni E. Jackson. He’s the mole!”
“Hmm, you may be right. He sure did get himself a little group of friends quickly. Probably to defend him if he gets accused.”
“Then how do we prove his guiltiness?”
There was a jingle on the intercom.
“Contestants, please come to the lobby,” said Ai on the intercom.

Everyone sat at the glass tables. Ai was on the screen.
“Welcome to the second day of Isolation,” greeted Ai, “as you know, we’ve lost one. Max Zeticason. Since I doubt anyone of you want to have the same fate, we’ll be having a private vote.”
“I private vote?” asked Salazar.
“Yes, on the computer will be a poll. It resets itself each time someone votes. Each of you will put down who you think the spy is. Those who get it right will not be attacked by the spy. The others, on the other hand, will randomly be selected to be eliminated by the spy. Tomorrow, we’ll begin some challenges.”
The screen shut off.
“Challenges?” asked Gwen, “I don’t like the sound of that.”
Everybody went to do their things. Salazar and Dmitri decided to talk outside the kitchen.
“We need to crush their spirits,” said Dmitri, “if we can’t do that, then they might find a way to win.”
“Easy,” said Salazar, “if you say things like that then people will start suspecting you.”
There was a crash from the kitchen. Salazar and Dmitri hurried over to the kitchen. Inside Molly was trying to hit Romeo with a spatula. Mac was trying to stop the fighting.
“Say that one more time and I’m gonna kill you!” yelled Molly.
Others were gathering. Mac tried to restrain Molly but got thrown into the spice cupboard. A few spices fell to the ground. Salazar grabbed Molly’s arm. She stomped on his foot.
“Ow!” shreiked Salazar in pain.
There was a beep from the intercom. “Please stop fighting, that is against the rules,” said Ai’s voice.
Molly stopped. She took deep breaths as she calmed down. Dominique led her to the female dorms.
Gwen checked Mac and Salazar’s injuries.
“I think Mac’s arm is broken,” said Gwen, “can’t say anything for certain for Salazar.”
Gwen and Mac helped Salazar to the elevator. Ai had it opened so they could go to the surface and be examined.
An hour passed. After the jingle, the remaining players sat at the glass tables.
The screen was divided in half. One part showed Ai while the other showed the hospital room with Gwen, Mac, and Salazar.
“Well, the poll will begin shortly,” said Ai, “Gwen, Mac, Salazar, I have some good news for the three of you. Since you’re not here, you will not be targeted by the spy.”
There was a cheer from Gwen and Mac. Salazar seemed to be pleased.
“Well, time for the vote,” said Ai, “Dmitri, why don’t you go first.”
Dmitri got up and went to the office.
Thirty minutes later the voting was over. The transmission to the hospital room and Ai ended. Most went to bed.

That night, E claimed his second victim…
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Posted 8/17/08


Well that certainly was interesting...not completely what I was expecting...and yet was exactly what I was expecting....on certain parts anyway. I'm still not ready to guess on who Mr. E is but keep going :D. Will wait till next week for the next part of the story.
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Posted 8/17/08
who do u think is the next victim?
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Posted 8/19/08
Lol, great story! I'm really getting into it, sry I had not left a comment before, but I do really like it, too bad they can't make reality shows like this! lol.
As for the killer, I'm not ready to say yet, but I have a strong idea of who it might b.
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Posted 8/22/08
Isolation: Chapter 3.

Ten contestants walked into the lounge. Already sitting at a table was Gwen.
“Hey guys!” greeted Gwen politely.
“Hi!” replied Alice cheerfully.
“Where’s Salazar and Mac?” asked Dmitri.
“They’ll be coming later,” said Gwen, “the set’s doctor wants to do a few more tests.”
There was the jingle and the screen turned on. Ai was on it. She was with Mac and Salazar.
“To clarify things, this should not happen again,” said Ai, “Mac Otwohson has a broken arm and Salazar Ruuso, luckily, only bruised his foot.”
“How’s it going?” greeted Salazar.
Mac waved.
The screen went fuzzy. It was then replaced with E.
“Welcome everyone,” said E, “I was not pleased with the discipline of this place so I thought I’d take out the troublemaker. As you may have noticed, Molly Darceman is not among us anymore.”
“Good riddance,” said Romeo.
There was a pause from E. “Most likely Romeo Owens will say something like ‘good riddance’ at this time. May I heed warning that harassment, all of this is recorded so a case against you could easily be formed… That is all.”
E was gone. Ai, Salazar, and Mac were back.
“Well, as you heard, Molly Darceman was killed off. Apparently she was poisoned. You have until noon to do whatever,” said Ai.
The screen turned off.
A few hours pasted.
Dmitri went off to do his own thing. Gwen and Alice went to help with breakfast. Romeo went to take a shower. While Joel and Suzuki went to the male dorms, Giovanni, Dominique, and Liuka went into the office area. Matthew was watching televison.
“This ruins our strategy,” said Liuka, “we can’t blame Mac because he’s not here.”
“We can’t suspect Salazar either,” said Giovanni, “Gwen is a maybe since we don’t know how long she was in the lounge.”
“Vhat do you mean?” asked Dominique.
“She could easily have come down when we were asleep and did whatever they do to victims. I tried to find out by staying up but it was Molly and all the doors were locked.”
“All the doors were locked?” asked Liuka.
“About midnight the dorm doors locked.”
“I’ve been zinking about name-wize for a while,” said Dominique, “two names are similar to ze word ‘mole’ or ‘spy’. Zey are Gwen C. Miller and Brian O. Elm.”
“Replace the I with an O and you get Moller,” said Liuka, “since it seems Isolation is all about clues, there’s probably a clue somewhere.”
“The question is where,” said Giovanni.
“Ze host of course,” said Dominique, “Ai sounds like I. The L is probably somewhere else.”
“And for Brian, if you rearrange his middle initial and his last name you get m..O..l..E. Mole. Not to mention his last name begins with E. Mr. E.”
“Let’s try it,” said Liuka, “one of us will guess Brian Elm while another guesses Gwen Miller.”
“And the third?” asked Giovanni.
“Romeo Owens.”
“Vhy zat brat?” asked Dominique.
“He had a reason for wanting Molly Darceman gone. Also, he’s the only one that doesn’t go with the group.”
The jingle was heard on the intercom. Everyone went into the lounge.
The screen was back on. Matthew was sitting on a chair some distance from the glass tables with a bowl of popcorn. Everyone sat in tables.
Ai was on screen. She was in the hospital room again with Mac and Salazar. Both Mac and Salazar had laptops.
“Today’s challenge is Codebreak,” said Ai, “you’ll all be given the same codes and must solve it before everyone else. If you win, you’ll get an exemption from the spy’s kill.”
The image of the hospital room was replaced with a list.
Dmitri Valentine (A)
Alice Dubious (B)
Joel Ashford (C)
Salazar Ruuso (D)
Gwen Miller (F)
Giovanni Jackson (G)
Suzuki Takoyama (J)
Mac Otwohson (K)
Liuka Marun (L)
Dominique Moringkovitch (M)
Matthew Smith (N)
Brian Elm (O)
Romeo Owens (P)
“That will be your codenames during the games,” said Ai, “E has already done Codebreak and his time was 11:58. Let’s see how fast you guys are.”
“Why isn’t there an I or H?” asked Suzuki.
“I’ll also be participating. Now, you may begin when your screen says START.”
“And how are we suppose to play?” asked Matthew.
“Oh, I almost forgot.”
The elevator doors opened. Inside were eleven laptops.
“There you go,” said Ai.

An hour later and everyone was done. Ai posted the scores.
A- 11:32
B- 6:47
C- 23:18
D- 17:09
F- 12:27
G- 12:01
J- 14:59
K- 38:08
L- 8:01
M- 31:11
N- 10:33
O- 23:56
P- 36:29
“Wow,” said Ai, “a wide range from 6: 47 to 36:29. I myself got a 15:26. As promised, Alice Dubious, you do not have to vote.”
“Yes,” said Alice happily.
“As for the rest of you, I’ll be seeing you tonight.”

It was around dinner time when the elevator doors opened. Salazar and Mac walked out. Salazar was okay but Mac had a cast.
Gwen and Alice prepared a delicious meal. To their surprise, the Isolation crew provided two pumpkin pies.
“This pie is good,” said Gwen, “Brian, pass the whip cream.”
Brian passed the whip cream to Mac who passed it to Gwen. She put a ton on her slice.
“Bottoms up,” she said happily.

Finally it was voting time. Everyone voted, except for Alice. Most decided to go to bed after that.

That night, E claimed his third victim…
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Posted 8/23/08
the premise was interesting. it got my attention and i decided to mess with it a bit.
however, for this type of work, you are lacking one crucial factor: emotion. yes, there is little here that would endear the characters to the readers. i found myself yawning everytime E claims a victim, thinking, "so what? like i care."
another weakness here is the diversity of your characters. specs-wise, they are adequately described; however, taking into account emotions, thoughts, and logic, the contestants seem to be of one mind. the episodes are too short, since there are a lot of things that could happen in between killings, but they don't.
so, try to do a bit better. polish this gem. go for it!
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Posted 8/23/08

atelier7 wrote:

the premise was interesting. it got my attention and i decided to mess with it a bit.
however, for this type of work, you are lacking one crucial factor: emotion. yes, there is little here that would endear the characters to the readers. i found myself yawning everytime E claims a victim, thinking, "so what? like i care."
another weakness here is the diversity of your characters. specs-wise, they are adequately described; however, taking into account emotions, thoughts, and logic, the contestants seem to be of one mind. the episodes are too short, since there are a lot of things that could happen in between killings, but they don't.
so, try to do a bit better. polish this gem. go for it! :)


the reason the chapters r too short is because i cant reveal everything at once. as for the emotion part, im not good at writing/showing emotions. as for the small details, part of it is because it would point out E too easily. btw, who do u think is E and who do you think is gonna b the winner?
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Posted 8/23/08

dmitrivalentine wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

the premise was interesting. it got my attention and i decided to mess with it a bit.
however, for this type of work, you are lacking one crucial factor: emotion. yes, there is little here that would endear the characters to the readers. i found myself yawning everytime E claims a victim, thinking, "so what? like i care."
another weakness here is the diversity of your characters. specs-wise, they are adequately described; however, taking into account emotions, thoughts, and logic, the contestants seem to be of one mind. the episodes are too short, since there are a lot of things that could happen in between killings, but they don't.
so, try to do a bit better. polish this gem. go for it! :)


the reason the chapters r too short is because i cant reveal everything at once. as for the emotion part, im not good at writing/showing emotions. as for the small details, part of it is because it would point out E too easily. btw, who do u think is E and who do you think is gonna b the winner?


you can use small details to mislead. details make things complicated, not simpler. as for emotions, well, we'll just have to improve as writers. E? maybe Ai. i'm not too sure about the winner though.
btw, why is there a game in the first place? do you plan on revealing why?
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Posted 8/23/08

atelier7 wrote:


dmitrivalentine wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

the premise was interesting. it got my attention and i decided to mess with it a bit.
however, for this type of work, you are lacking one crucial factor: emotion. yes, there is little here that would endear the characters to the readers. i found myself yawning everytime E claims a victim, thinking, "so what? like i care."
another weakness here is the diversity of your characters. specs-wise, they are adequately described; however, taking into account emotions, thoughts, and logic, the contestants seem to be of one mind. the episodes are too short, since there are a lot of things that could happen in between killings, but they don't.
so, try to do a bit better. polish this gem. go for it! :)


the reason the chapters r too short is because i cant reveal everything at once. as for the emotion part, im not good at writing/showing emotions. as for the small details, part of it is because it would point out E too easily. btw, who do u think is E and who do you think is gonna b the winner?


you can use small details to mislead. details make things complicated, not simpler. as for emotions, well, we'll just have to improve as writers. E? maybe Ai. i'm not too sure about the winner though.
btw, why is there a game in the first place? do you plan on revealing why?


E is not Ai, she's the host. and this is a tv game show, like Survivor and The Mole
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Posted 8/23/08

dmitrivalentine wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


dmitrivalentine wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

the premise was interesting. it got my attention and i decided to mess with it a bit.
however, for this type of work, you are lacking one crucial factor: emotion. yes, there is little here that would endear the characters to the readers. i found myself yawning everytime E claims a victim, thinking, "so what? like i care."
another weakness here is the diversity of your characters. specs-wise, they are adequately described; however, taking into account emotions, thoughts, and logic, the contestants seem to be of one mind. the episodes are too short, since there are a lot of things that could happen in between killings, but they don't.
so, try to do a bit better. polish this gem. go for it! :)


the reason the chapters r too short is because i cant reveal everything at once. as for the emotion part, im not good at writing/showing emotions. as for the small details, part of it is because it would point out E too easily. btw, who do u think is E and who do you think is gonna b the winner?


you can use small details to mislead. details make things complicated, not simpler. as for emotions, well, we'll just have to improve as writers. E? maybe Ai. i'm not too sure about the winner though.
btw, why is there a game in the first place? do you plan on revealing why?


E is not Ai, she's the host. and this is a tv game show, like Survivor and The Mole


oh.. i was expecting some premise twist. and why can't Ai be E? it looks like anything goes anyway. oh wait, you just said she isn't E. right. :))
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