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Post Reply "Isolation" by Dmitri (dmitrivalentine)
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26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
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Posted 8/23/08

atelier7 wrote:


dmitrivalentine wrote:


atelier7 wrote:


dmitrivalentine wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

the premise was interesting. it got my attention and i decided to mess with it a bit.
however, for this type of work, you are lacking one crucial factor: emotion. yes, there is little here that would endear the characters to the readers. i found myself yawning everytime E claims a victim, thinking, "so what? like i care."
another weakness here is the diversity of your characters. specs-wise, they are adequately described; however, taking into account emotions, thoughts, and logic, the contestants seem to be of one mind. the episodes are too short, since there are a lot of things that could happen in between killings, but they don't.
so, try to do a bit better. polish this gem. go for it! :)


the reason the chapters r too short is because i cant reveal everything at once. as for the emotion part, im not good at writing/showing emotions. as for the small details, part of it is because it would point out E too easily. btw, who do u think is E and who do you think is gonna b the winner?


you can use small details to mislead. details make things complicated, not simpler. as for emotions, well, we'll just have to improve as writers. E? maybe Ai. i'm not too sure about the winner though.
btw, why is there a game in the first place? do you plan on revealing why?


E is not Ai, she's the host. and this is a tv game show, like Survivor and The Mole


oh.. i was expecting some premise twist. and why can't Ai be E? it looks like anything goes anyway. oh wait, you just said she isn't E. right. :))


in the beginning Ai tells u that E is one of the contestants. oh, did u notice i put myself in it?
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Posted 8/23/08
I is so confused...but then, I'm not playing, so I won't be "killed."

You should have something go wrong at the end...a real death or something. Or at least make the fake deaths more gruesome. We can see who throws up and who doesn't. The ppl throwing up prolly didn' do the "murder." Or, they could have done it but are faking throwing up as a cover.
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26 / M / Everywhere Yet No...
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Posted 8/24/08

Jojiro wrote:

I is so confused...but then, I'm not playing, so I won't be "killed."

You should have something go wrong at the end...a real death or something. Or at least make the fake deaths more gruesome. We can see who throws up and who doesn't. The ppl throwing up prolly didn' do the "murder." Or, they could have done it but are faking throwing up as a cover.


joji, i have most of this pre-planned. theres is a reason for each murder and how they died.

dotn read if u dont want to ruin a chapter...
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Posted 9/5/08 , edited 9/5/08


I say you're two chapters behind....when are you going to work on this story some more? You say you have most of it preplanned...so it shouldn't be too hard to do the next two chapters.......

Sorry if I'm being a little dramatic about it, I'm just curious to see what you have for them next... ....and forgetting that you have school... .....just ignore me...get to it when ya can XD
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Posted 9/5/08
I like flashiness. But I'll trust ya to keep the story up to your regular standards if it reallly was pre-planned.
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Posted 9/5/08
most of it is pre-planned. the order of ppl who 'die' have been arranged, as is the identity of E, and the winner. i started getting into Epitaph of the World and kinda forgot about this but im busy the next two weeks so a new chapter of either wont come out
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