Warning! Classically terrible story ahead!
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Although it is in finite supply my life experience has told me that it is good to have connections in high places. It is also good to have connections at Dunkin' Donuts. Twice a week I get to go into the building after closing and eat all the scraps I want before they throw them all away...however, I don't really like the general employee population. Thus, due to the actions I took out of disdain of them, I have a new nickname.

I went there one day after eating seven plates of delicious food at the fine establishment of a Chinese restaurant called the Century Buffet. The crab Rangoon did a number on my sensitive digestive system, as I discovered at 15 seconds past 10:37pm. After eating a nummy Boston cream that wasn't entirely stale a felt an ominous rumble in my stomach. Gust of agony blasted through my body, crippled me over with an abhorrent burst of toxic gas! I buckle over at the umbrage, unaware that the permeating perfume was so intense that people actually made a hasty retreat for through the back door.


Seconds later I was on the verge of exploding. My offensive nature took over since I was in the general public. Eager to show everyone what I truly can be I sprinted into the women's bathroom after stealing the comics section from the newspaper. An amazing 45 minutes and 36.5 seconds later of non-stop action I exited.

As I fled stealthily away, to vanish mysteriously into the now mist shrouded night I heard the screams of my -friends- as the air wafted towards them. The dump was incredible...but I won't describe it because the disgusting factor might get it deleted. It was a treasure, something to savor...so logically, I didn't flush. Instead, I let it age, like a fine wine or cheese, just for the morning crew when they were to arrive five hours later.

That night the newspaper read: “Astronomers spot colorful gasses oozing from Uranis!“ Thus I was dubbed, "Spartacus, the S#$& Bandit". Spartacus has only partaken in one crime to date, but I will keep everybody promptly updated. My favorite quote from the morning crew was the sad, sad person who first discovered my dastardly deed, "Oh my god! Some biaches' @ss exploded!" It's such a fond memory to me...maybe it was the sugar high from the doughnuts, maybe it was the being awake for 28 consecutive hours.

A true tale of heroism and chivalry.

Would you like to here more tales like this? Would you like Spartacus the Crap Bandit to visit your workplace? Call now! 555-OctaBraw
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27 / M
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Posted 3/21/07
You could also fax at 555-mangina.
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26 / Martian / Estonia
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Posted 3/21/07
Ahh i have not laughed so hard since i finished 8-bit Theater, a great array of poop-jokes with clever use of vocabulary, which made me laugh so hard that my parents told me to "Stfu! Were watching "Bones"!!" i salute thee great Spartacus!
( :
(A££ Banging Bandit would have been a better name i think.)
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30 / F / Insert Semi-Cleve...
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Posted 3/21/07
"Spartacus, the S#$& Bandit"? lolz! oh god, my sides are aching! thanks for the vivid yet disturbing narrative...
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30 / Ronald McDonald's...
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Posted 3/21/07
poetic.
Posted 3/21/07
Great story
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27 / M
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Posted 3/21/07
Thanks all!
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30 / Ronald McDonald's...
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Posted 3/21/07

SeraphAlford wrote:


Although it is in finite supply my life experience has told me that it is good to have connections in high places. It is also good to have connections at Dunkin' Donuts. Twice a week I get to go into the building after closing and eat all the scraps I want before they throw them all away...however, I don't really like the general employee population.



Shit, I forgot to ask! How?! How did you get them to feed you through on their delicious left overs?!
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27 / M
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Posted 3/21/07
Well, it pays to be a witty little albino boy who stalks random strangers for entertainment and captivates people into serious conversations over pokemon trading cards, DBZ, Naruto, and anime in general. It also pays to not go around telling people your secrets on how to get connections, and to side step the question with a witty joke or comment like:

“Don’t matter. You couldn’t get any action in a monkey whore house with a sack of bananas!” I don’t know where I got that from, I may have made it up. I’ve said it since I was ten.
Ronin
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