Read My Story? pls?

well i wrote this story i started writing the first 4 chapters when i was 12 i recently found the files and wrote 2 more chapters to it. its going to be a vampire love story. read it here "
http://www.mibba.com/story/lastkiss/Totally-In-Love-with-my-teacher
pls reply telling me how u liked it or not and what it missing.

dude that was a good story theres!!!!! i love it....do u have morez?

WOWZA!!!IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PLZ MESSAGE ME,IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE STORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's awesome!!! Creative! :)

You MUST continue writing this!
Just need some formatting and minor editing and it's sure to be up to the bookshelves.. ^__^

ei friend your story is good!! write more.. ^__^ it is good promise!! good job!!

First of all you should go through and make sure the spellings are correct and the punctuation. You also keep switching between past and present tense, sometimes in the same sentence, which messes with the story's flow. And you definitely should not shift POV's, stick with one. Another important thing to remember is to show and not to tell, instead of saying 'my room door flew open' you could say 'I heard a bang as my door collided with the wall. My brother stood on the threshhold with a panicked look on his face' or something like that.

I also think you should flesh out your story more, you're skipping over parts because you're so ready to get to the parts you like best, but there has to be stuff inbetween. I mean the story may be about a girl who is in love with her teacher, but what about her making friends in school? That's important to the story as well. You have to create conflicts as well, if the girl and the teacher fall in love immediately, the story is useless.

You really need to develop your character's personality as well, at the moment she seems too much like a Mary Sue, what with her being asked out almost immediately and her teacher calling her gorgeous. And you have to make the story more realistic I think, I do not think a teacher would ever call his students gorgeous, unless he was like a stalker/rapist. <.<

I honestly think you should've chosen a better plot, but if you can make it work, that's fine. Every story you write is practice for the next.

wow...that a great story and i really love it..;) keep da work..

ummm.. that was awesome,,, I LOVE IT!!!
Is this your love story or Just making it??
By the way,,, please tell me more stories!!
I REALLY LOVE IT!!!

GUYS THIS STORY IS WRITTEN LONG AGOO i was like 12. >.< im sorry its so crappyyy i promise ive have improed and ill start a new better story . keep checking for an update.

I don't think I could have written a better review myself. Although a minor issue, namely:

"...make sure the spellings are correct..." This should read "...make sure the spelling, grammer and punctuation are correct."

But otherwise another gem of yours Magic, keep going and at this rate you'll be snapped up by the literary industry long before you are able to become an Architect.

Haha thank you!

I have always wanted to write a book, but I never really considered writing a 'job' exactly. To become an author, the idea has to come first right? If I'm gonna write a book, it has to be amazing, I'm not going to settle for some over-used cliche. I think even if I did become Rowling-rich from writing, I think I'd work another job anyway. I want to have a job that helps people you know? Like a direct influence, books may make people happier but a job like an architect/doctor/teacher/etc. helps people live. (And architects get to design rollercoasters. Don't they? )

Mm and I can't think of another job I'd want to go into in that industry. Hmm.

Lol I think the most awesome jobs ever (at least at first) would be food critic, and bed tester. XD Though I suppose the latter would become boring after all. But I mean seriously, you're being paid to eat and sleep! They would get boring eventually though.

Edit: I've often noticed on CR that people spell grammar 'grammer'. Is this another one of those US vs. the World things? Does everyone else spell it that way?

I have never had the chance to design a rollercoaster (though I would jump at the chance). It is a seperate field of Architecture than the one I work in.

As for the spelling of Grammar/Grammer it is really a personal choice. To hold true to Ye Olde English it would be 'Grammar' and this is technically correct, however I live in Australia where we try and slight the British at every chance. If I were you I would continue to stick to the conventions you currently observe.

Ahh I see. Hmm what field do you work in? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with them haha. Besides architects and landscaping architects that is. I don't think I'd want to do the latter, doesn't sound as fun.

That's interesting, I thought 'grammar' was spelled 'grammar' and that's that. I was under the impression it is only a personal choice if you personally choose to spell it incorrectly. I think slighting the British is perhaps found more easily on the cricket pitch than in the wonderful world of grammar. That's just my opinion though and I'm usually wrong.

Basically I design Bridges for pedestrian, motor and marine environments. It's quite interesting and I cetainly get to travel alot.