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│RANDOM│Jowk Jowk Jowk (Jokes)
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29 / M / the chair in fron...
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Posted 11/28/07 , edited 4/13/08
hehe nice one

Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I will soon release the new Chicken Office 2002, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected and evolved over time in such a way that they are now genetically endowed with the capabilities required to cross roads.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

BILL CLINTON: I did not, repeat, did not have sexual relations with the chicken.

ERAP: Ang media ang may kasalanan diyan!

MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO: " Aha! I know it! That chicken crossed the road to provoke me. I move to permanently hold in contempt that chicken. I request for a restraining order, your honor, so that the chicken would not be able to cross the road again!"

RAMON REVILLA: "I concur, your honor. You see, may timbangan ako ng manok sa bahay. Doon ko nga nalaman na 96 grams ang 1000 na bills ng 1000 pesos tomake 1 million pesos. See 96 grams? 96 grams talaga! Malapit yun sa isang kilo...eh sa 96 grams talaga eh...Pero huwag nyo akong tanungin kung ilang kilo ang manok na nagcross ng road. Eh, di ko nakilo eh. I guess, takot syang pakilo. Baka kulang sya ng 96grams. In short, kulang sya ng isang kilo."

EMMA LIM: Para po uminom ng iced tea, your honor!

CHAVIT SINGSON: Eh, nililito nyo lang po ako, your honor. Di ko alam kung bakit nagcross yun ng road. Wala naman sa ledger ko kung bakit. Nililito nyo lang po ako. Nililito nyo lang po talaga ako.

CLARISSA OCAMPO: It crossed the road to go to the office of, I am sorry, Mr. Estelito Mendoza.

ESTELITO MENDOZA: Whether I will quit as a defense lawyer of the president or not, shall depend upon the decision of the president himself, not the crossing of the road by the chicken.

RAUL ROCO: It is a noble profession to be a chicken and to cross that road!

CHIEF JUSTICE HILARIO DAVIDE: Unless there is an objection, the chicken can cross that road.
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22 / F
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Posted 11/28/07 , edited 4/13/08
..isang pinoy nag propose sa pinay na minamahal

..Upang mapasagot ang babae pinaghandaan ang sasabihin

boy: wil u b my weding?
girl: hahah
boy: watz lafing?
girl: wrong gramming!!

from imeem!!

---------------

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS ?
1. Use BE COOL and I'LL BUY in a sentence.
...The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I'LL BUY, BE COOL.
2. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
...(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?
3. Use AFFECT in a sentence.
...Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.
4. Use ADIEU in a sentence.
...If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.
5. Use DECANTER in a sentence.
...You can order that medicine over DECANTER.
6. Use DELETION in a sentence.
...The balat of DELETION is crispy.
7. Use DESPISE in a sentence.
...Who baked all DESPISE?
8. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
...I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL
consent so he can go to the picnic.

AND NOW FOR THE FILIPINOS WHO CAN READ AND
UNDERSTAND TAGALOG:

9. Use BORROW in a sentence.
...Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.
10. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
...Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo.
11. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
...Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero, ko-CONTEMPLATE.
12. Use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what this is, it's a
city [or street] at the L.A. COUNTY in CALIFORNIA)
...Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda nang bebot na yun, pero,
ma-ARTESIA.
13. Use CADET in a sentence.
...CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang
CADET niya.
14. Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
...Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.
15. Use CENTURION in a sentence.
...Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.
16. Use DEDICATE in a sentence.
...Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan.
17. Use DELICACY in a sentence.
...Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo.
18. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
...Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya pwede na tayong kumain.
19. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
...Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok.
20. Use LAITY in a sentence.
...Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos.
21. Use MENTION in a sentence.
...Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION.
22. Use ebonic word MOTHA' FUCKA' in a sentece.
...Iho mag-ingat, ka baka MOTHA' FUCKA'

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

23. Use SECOND THOUGHT in a sentence.
...Hindi pa bumibili ng bagong kotse ang mag-asawang si Pedro
at Maria dahil magse-SECOND THOUGHT pa daw sila.

from imeem again!!


-----------
mag kaibigan

andres - dude hulaan mo ugali ko, nag uumpisa sa letter "A"?
bok bean - Approachable, dudei?
andres - hindi dude!!
bok bean - Amiable?
andres - mali pa din dudei!
bok bean- di ko alam dude..sabihin mo na lng...?
andres- Anest dude!

------------

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!

hehe..corny..mais

---------------
~no triple posting please ^____^ use the edit button instead. thank you for sharing ^_____^
@jaderoselle- i was gonna create this thread.. pero naunahan mo ko.. wahehehe ^___^
Citizen
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76 / M / Middle East
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Posted 11/29/07 , edited 4/13/08
What will happen to a wooden car with a wooden machine with a wooden wheel?
- It wooden start..

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22 / F / Phillippines
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Posted 11/29/07 , edited 4/13/08
Erap was talking to a senator in an interview then the senator complimented him about his superb memory. Erap replied:

"Thank you. it's because i have a pornographic memory."


isa pa!!!!!!

Erap was on his way by taxi to JFK airport......

30 minutes in the ride, Erap saw a sign that said:

"JFK
10 miles"

30 minutes later, he saw a sign that said:

"JFK
1 mile"

30 minutes later, he saw another sign that said:

"JFK
100 meters"

Erap got angry and said:

"Why is it 30 minutes ago it was 1 but now it is 100?"

30 minutes later, he saw a sign that said:

"JFK
Left"

Erap got even angrier and said:

"You see, we're so late that JFK airport even left!!!!!!!"


Tama na siguro yan......
Citizen
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29 / M / the chair in fron...
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Posted 11/29/07 , edited 4/13/08
English-tagalog:
01. Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
02. Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
03. Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
04. Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
05. Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya06. Devastation - sakayan ng bus
07. Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
08. Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
09. Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10. Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11. Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12. Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13. Deduct - Ang pato
14. Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15. Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16. Deposit - Gripo (Call diploma if deposit is leaking)
17. City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18. Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19. Persuading - Unang Kasal
20. Depress - Ang nagkasal sa persuading
22. Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa persuading
23. It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24. Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25. Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh delusion)
26. Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh delivery na ang tanghalian
27. Profit - Patunayan mo
28. Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29. Backlog - bacon saka egg
30. Beehive - magpakatino ka
31. CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32. Debug - ang ipis
33. Defrag - ang palaka
34. Defense - ang bakod
35. Defer - ang balahibo
36. Deflate - ang plato
37. Detest - ang eksamin
38. Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39. Devote - ang boto
40. Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41. Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42. Forums - apat na kwarto
43. July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44. Liturgy - what comes after litur F
45. Thesis - ito ay...

Hope you like!!
Citizen
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26 / F / philippines
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Posted 12/3/07 , edited 4/13/08
KRIMINAL 1: Pare cgurado ka ba na d2 dadaan ung papatayin naten?

KRIMINAL 2: Oo pare,cgurado aq tuwing alas 11 nauwi un eh..

KRIMINAL 1: E ,mag aala-una na ng madaling araw, wala pa rin xa!

KRIMINAL 2: Nagtataka nga din aq e..
Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya......

hehe...hope u like it.....
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21 / F / i am everywhere
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Posted 12/3/07 , edited 4/13/08
1.
JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.

TATAY: Anak, mga taga bundok lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan!

JUAN: Paano?

TATAY: KANG GUD!

....... toinkzzzz........

2.
AMERICAN ENGLISH:
Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!

IN TAGALOG:
kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!


3.
Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the Republic?" Erap asked.

The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance." "That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.

"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.

"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."


........... ............ ............ ..............
Citizen
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26 / F / at center of the...
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Posted 12/3/07 , edited 4/13/08
Secret

"Can you keep a secret?" Tonyo asked Maria. "Of course," remarked Maria who was shivering in excitement. "So can I," Tonyo said.

Gloria and Erap

Isang araw, nakasalubong daw ni Gloria si Erap na lasing. Dahil di magkasundo ang dalawa, nauwi ang pagtatagpo sa asaran. Erap: "Pandak! Pandak! Pandak!" Gloria: "Lasing! Lasing! Lasing!" Erap: "Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo, pandak ka pa rin."

Names
Three men were introduced to a lady. The first man said: "Hi! I'm Peter, but not the saint." The second man said: "I'm Paul, but not the pope." The third man said: "I'm John but not the baptist." After the three men were introduced, the pretty lady said: "Hi to all of you! I'm Mary, but not a virgin."

Where did I come from?
"Nanay, where did I come from?" the pretty seven-year-old daughter asks. It is a moment of truth for the mother who is not yet prepared for the situation. She takes her into the living room, shows the encyclopedia and several other books, and explains all she thinks her daughter should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mothers asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "My friend Nene said she came from Cebu. I want to know where I came from."
Citizen
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35 / F / sampaloc manila p...
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Posted 12/4/07 , edited 4/13/08
jinggoy and erap just arrive at a funeral. . . . .

Erap: anak wag na tayo mag tagal ditto mahirap na.
Jinggoy: ha e krarating rating lng po natin ahh.
Erap: mahirap na maiwan d2
Jinggoy: ha bakit naman po??
Erap: nakalagay o “ Remains will be Cremated”.
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27 / F / San Francisco, CA
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Posted 12/7/07 , edited 4/13/08
pasyente: Doc, gabi-gabi po akong nananaginip tungkol sa basketball. Ano po bang dapat kong gawin para hindi na ko managinip tungkol dito?

Doc: Ah ganun ba? Ganito gawin mo. May irereseta ako sa'yong gamot, inumin mo mamayang gabi bago ka matulog.

pasyente: Doc, puede po ba bukas ng gabi ko na lang inumin yan?

Doc: Ay, bakit naman? akala ko ba ayaw mo ng managinip tungkol sa basketball.

pasyente: Opo, pero championship na po mamayang gabi eh. Ayaw ko pong ma-miss yun.

Doc: Ahhh... O di sige! bumalik ka ng lang dito bukas tapos balitaan mo ko kung sinong nanalo ha...

nyek, nyek, nyek!!
Citizen
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27 / F / San Francisco, CA
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Posted 12/7/07 , edited 4/13/08
We are in a big battle!= Tayo ay nasa isang malaking botilya!

So let us safeguard our hearts= kaya sabunin natin ang ating mga puso

and rejoice= at shampoohin na rin...
Citizen
5455 cr points
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24 / M / shhh
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Posted 12/8/07 , edited 4/13/08
May isang bata na natatae na.
May nakita sya butas sa bubong ng simbahan
Kaya don sya tumae
Sa loob nman nang simbahan
Nasalo ng pari ( priest ) ang tae
tapos sabi nya " kaninong tae ito"
Mga tao nman sabi "Amen"
:w00t:
Citizen
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27 / M / ...bRiTiSh iSLeS...
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Posted 12/9/07 , edited 4/13/08

nehemiah wrote:

English-tagalog:
01. Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
02. Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
03. Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
04. Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
05. Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya06. Devastation - sakayan ng bus
07. Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
08. Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
09. Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10. Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11. Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12. Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13. Deduct - Ang pato
14. Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15. Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16. Deposit - Gripo (Call diploma if deposit is leaking)
17. City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18. Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19. Persuading - Unang Kasal
20. Depress - Ang nagkasal sa persuading
22. Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa persuading
23. It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24. Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25. Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh delusion)
26. Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh delivery na ang tanghalian
27. Profit - Patunayan mo
28. Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29. Backlog - bacon saka egg
30. Beehive - magpakatino ka
31. CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32. Debug - ang ipis
33. Defrag - ang palaka
34. Defense - ang bakod
35. Defer - ang balahibo
36. Deflate - ang plato
37. Detest - ang eksamin
38. Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39. Devote - ang boto
40. Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41. Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42. Forums - apat na kwarto
43. July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44. Liturgy - what comes after litur F
45. Thesis - ito ay...

Hope you like!!


ang gling ng dictionary na ito! magamit ngah!
anyways hirs my jokes.....

use in a sentence
use in a sentence......

Kulong : wow ang bango mo ah! what's your KULONG

Calculator : I can't talk you on the phone right now but i'll CALCULATOR.

Defied : what is 2 + 3 ? eh DEFIED (five) dali dali eh

Lion: nasaktan ba kita kanina? wag mo nang isipin yun , LION

PLDT Operator
Isang Araw Habang Nag Papayabangan ang Tatlong Magkakaibigan
Tasyo: Pare alam nyo yung Pinsan ko sa sobrang ganda ng Boses Kinuha Siya sa ABS-CBN para gawing News Broadcaster.
Inggo: Wala yan sa Pinsan ko mga Amigo ko, Yung Pinsan ko sa Sobrang Ganda ng Boses ini Laban kay Regine Velasquez sa Singing Contest.
Teban: Aba ang Ganda naman pala ng boses ng mga pinsan nyo mga Igan ko! Pero wala parin yan dun sa pinsan ko mga Pare ko. Yung Pinsan ko NGO-NGO pero kinuha ng PLDT para gawing Telephone Operator!
Tasyo: Paano naman nangyari yon?
Inggo: Oo nga naman pare!
Teban: Oo mga pare ko, Siya yung sumasagot pag Busy yung Telepono. NGO...... NGO...... NGO.......

FLIRTING WITH STYLE
A black man, a white guy, and a Pinoy were at the bar.
SEXY LADY: Whoever can use the words LIVER and CHEESE with style can have me tonight.
WHITE GUY: Steak tht LIVER and melt that CHEESE on me!
BLACK MAN: I hate LIVER but I love CHEESE as I love you!
PINOY: Hey, you two! LIVER alone! CHEESE mine! Yeah!

WALA LANG! :))
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