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│RANDOM│Jowk Jowk Jowk (Jokes)
Citizen
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31 / F / Pearl of the Orie...
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Posted 12/26/07 , edited 4/13/08
filipino phrases:

"mama para at the corner"

"ok, i'll call you later mamaya"

"it's a base to base casis"

"what happened after the erection of mount pinatubo?"

"it's a blessing in the sky"

"sky's the langit"

"oh, i've to call my boss first. please hang yourself"

"what's your next subject before this"

"can you repeat that question the second time around once more from the top"

"the case is annulled and void"

"i'm sorry my boss is out of the town can you wait"

"let's burn the bridge when we get there"

"you're so pasaway, the you. really now"
Citizen
14395 cr points
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22 / F / the great northwest
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Posted 12/28/07 , edited 4/13/08
3 LASING MAY NAKITANG TAE

LASING 1:PARE TAE O
LASING 2: SIGE TIKMAN NATIN (TINIKMAN NGA NILA)
LASING 3: YAK ANG PANGIT NG LASA BUIT HINDI NATIN NATAPAKAN!!! lmao!
Citizen
16700 cr points
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F / in the Anime world
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Posted 12/28/07 , edited 4/13/08
ANG NAKARAAN:

may ibinulong ang Daga sa Elepante.
biglang hinimatay ang Elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?.

DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!!

SA PAGPAPATULOY:

dahil hindi makapaniwala ang Elepante, dinala niya ang Daga sa doktor.
tuwang-tuwa ang Elepante at masayang ibinulong sa Daga ang resulta ng ultrasound.
biglang hinimatay ang Daga. Anong ibinulong ng Elepante?

ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila!!!
Citizen
14395 cr points
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22 / F / the great northwest
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Posted 12/28/07 , edited 4/13/08

darknumb1204 wrote:

Corny Joke #5

Teacher: Pedro, ano ang ating pambansang hayop?
Nagsisimula ito sa letter "K".

Pedro: Ma'am, KUTO?

Teacher: hindi! Nagtatapos ito s letter "W"

Pedro: KUTOW?

Teacher: Hindi!! may sungay ito!

Pedro: DEMONYONG KUTOW?

Teacher: GO OUT!!!




there's on emore version
teacher:pedro anong pambansang hayop ng pilipinas? nagsisimula ito sa letrang k
pedro:kuto?
teacher: hindi mas malaki sa kuto!
pedro:malaking kuto?
teacher: nakatira un sa lupa!
pedro:kutong lupa?
teacher: mas malakin nga ksa kahit anong kuto!
pedro:kuneho???
nge!
Citizen
14395 cr points
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22 / F / the great northwest
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Posted 12/28/07 , edited 4/13/08
waiter:hi sir ano po order nyo?
ngongo:hoknei
waiter:ano ho?
ngongo:hoknei nga!
waiter:sir wala po ata kming hoknei!
ngongo:a-O? aaw aaw o yon iniili ito aos ala kayo?
waiter:sir sandali lng ho ah
(waiter pumunta sa manager at tinuro si ngongo)
manager:sige tatawagin mo na lang si pepe ngongo di nun eh kamundo nya xa baka magkaintidihan sila
waiter:sige po! (tinawag si pepe)
pepe:ige O aam o na aawin o!
(makalipas ang ilang minuto bumalik si pepe)
waiter:o alam mo na ung order?
pepe:oo aaman!!
waiter:ano?
pepe:e di hoknei!

nge ulit.
Citizen
14395 cr points
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22 / F / the great northwest
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Posted 12/28/07 , edited 4/13/08
pedro:tay bibili lang po ako ng bam paper sa tindahan!
tatay:ano ka ba anak nakakahiya sa mga kapit bahay,,sabihin nila hindi kita tinuturuan! hindi bam paper kokongban!!!
Citizen
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Posted 12/29/07 , edited 4/13/08
boy: d n matutuloy kasal nten
Girl: bkit???
boy: kuya mu kz eh
girl: hindi noh!! gs2 ka ng kuya q eh!!
boy: yun nga eh gs2 q rin xa
Citizen
4245 cr points
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22 / F / Manila, Philippines
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Posted 12/29/07 , edited 4/13/08
finally ... here is Inday's Story Ü

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa
probinsya, namasukan si Inday bilang
katulong sa Maynila. Habang
ini-interview ng amo

Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para
mag
ayos ng bahay, magluto, maglaba,
magplantsa, mamalengke, at magbantay ng
mga bata. Kaya mo ba ang lahat ng ito?

Inday: I believe that my trained skills
and expertise in management with the
use
of standard tools, and my discipline
and
experience will contribute
significantly
to the value of the work that you want,
my creativity, productivity and
work-efficiency and the high quality of
outcomes I can offer will boost the
work
progress.

Amo: [nosebleed]

Makaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang
amo, nakitang me bukol si junior.

Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?

Inday: Compromising safety with useless
aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered
architectural design of our kitchen
lavatory affected the boy's cranium
with
a slight boil at the left temple near
the auditory organ.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan.

Amo: Bakit maalat ang ulam?

Inday: The consistency was fine. But
you
see, it seems that the increased amount
of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the
taste drastically and those actions are
irreversible. I do apologize.

Amo: [nosebleed na naman]

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko,
nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see
me doing absolutely nothing.

Donya: [hinimatay]

Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si
junior sa principal's office dahil di
makapunta ang amo at donya.

Principal: Sinuntok ni junior ang
kanyang kaklase.

Inday: It's absurd! It was never a fact
that he will inflict a fight. I can
only
imagine how you handle schizophrenic
kids on this educational institution.
Revise your policies because they suck!

Principal: [nag resign]

Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang amo,
galit na galit.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura
sa
likod ng bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather patterns
might have occurred wrecking havoc to
the surroundings. The way the debris
are
scattered indicates that the gust of
wind was going northeast causing damage
to the path it was heading for.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan,
malikot si junior.

Inday: Stop your raucous behavior. It
is
bound to result in property damages and
if that happens there will be
corresponding punishment to be
inflicted
upon you!

Junior: [takbo sa CR, punasan ang
nagdudugong ilong]

Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si
Inday. Nabalitaan nya umalis si Angel
Locsin sa GMA 7.

Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis?

Inday: Sometimes, people choose to
leave
not because of selfish reasons but
because they just know that things will
get worse if they'll stay. Leaving can
be a tough act, and it's harder when
people can't understand you for doing
so.

Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]

Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday.
Si Dodong, ang driver ng kapitbahay,
gusto maki pag text-mate.

Inday: To forestall further hopes of
acquaintance, my unfathomable statement
to the denial of your request -
Petition
denied.

Di nagla-on, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong,
naging syota nya rin si Inday. Pero di
tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at
nakipag-break si Inday ke Dodong.

Inday: The statute restricts me to love
you but you have the provocations. The
way you smile is the proximate cause
why
I love you. We have some rules to think
of. We have no vested rights to love
each other because the upper household
dismissed my petition!

Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what
you seem to contrive as any affections
for you are somewhat half-hearted. I
was
merely attempting to expand my network
of interests by involving you in my
daily recreation. Heretofor, you can
expect an end to any verbal
articulation
from myself

Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at
narinig
ang usapan ni Inday at Dodong.

Basurero: Be careful in letting go of
the things you thought are just nothing
because maybe someday you'll realize
that the one you gave away is the very
thing you want to stay.


hahahaha!! lufet! atleast mer0n din taung malalamang lessons kay inday!!!
nose bleed!
Citizen
4245 cr points
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22 / F / Manila, Philippines
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Posted 12/29/07 , edited 4/13/08
Hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos!

-winnie d pooh
Citizen
10749 cr points
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23 / F
Offline
Posted 12/29/07 , edited 4/13/08

nadzine wrote:

finally ... here is Inday's Story Ü

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa
probinsya, namasukan si Inday bilang
katulong sa Maynila. Habang
ini-interview ng amo

Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para
mag
ayos ng bahay, magluto, maglaba,
magplantsa, mamalengke, at magbantay ng
mga bata. Kaya mo ba ang lahat ng ito?

Inday: I believe that my trained skills
and expertise in management with the
use
of standard tools, and my discipline
and
experience will contribute
significantly
to the value of the work that you want,
my creativity, productivity and
work-efficiency and the high quality of
outcomes I can offer will boost the
work
progress.

Amo: [nosebleed]

Makaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang
amo, nakitang me bukol si junior.

Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?

Inday: Compromising safety with useless
aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered
architectural design of our kitchen
lavatory affected the boy's cranium
with
a slight boil at the left temple near
the auditory organ.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan.

Amo: Bakit maalat ang ulam?

Inday: The consistency was fine. But
you
see, it seems that the increased amount
of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the
taste drastically and those actions are
irreversible. I do apologize.

Amo: [nosebleed na naman]

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko,
nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see
me doing absolutely nothing.

Donya: [hinimatay]

Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si
junior sa principal's office dahil di
makapunta ang amo at donya.

Principal: Sinuntok ni junior ang
kanyang kaklase.

Inday: It's absurd! It was never a fact
that he will inflict a fight. I can
only
imagine how you handle schizophrenic
kids on this educational institution.
Revise your policies because they suck!

Principal: [nag resign]

Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang amo,
galit na galit.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura
sa
likod ng bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather patterns
might have occurred wrecking havoc to
the surroundings. The way the debris
are
scattered indicates that the gust of
wind was going northeast causing damage
to the path it was heading for.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan,
malikot si junior.

Inday: Stop your raucous behavior. It
is
bound to result in property damages and
if that happens there will be
corresponding punishment to be
inflicted
upon you!

Junior: [takbo sa CR, punasan ang
nagdudugong ilong]

Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si
Inday. Nabalitaan nya umalis si Angel
Locsin sa GMA 7.

Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis?

Inday: Sometimes, people choose to
leave
not because of selfish reasons but
because they just know that things will
get worse if they'll stay. Leaving can
be a tough act, and it's harder when
people can't understand you for doing
so.

Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]

Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday.
Si Dodong, ang driver ng kapitbahay,
gusto maki pag text-mate.

Inday: To forestall further hopes of
acquaintance, my unfathomable statement
to the denial of your request -
Petition
denied.

Di nagla-on, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong,
naging syota nya rin si Inday. Pero di
tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at
nakipag-break si Inday ke Dodong.

Inday: The statute restricts me to love
you but you have the provocations. The
way you smile is the proximate cause
why
I love you. We have some rules to think
of. We have no vested rights to love
each other because the upper household
dismissed my petition!

Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what
you seem to contrive as any affections
for you are somewhat half-hearted. I
was
merely attempting to expand my network
of interests by involving you in my
daily recreation. Heretofor, you can
expect an end to any verbal
articulation
from myself

Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at
narinig
ang usapan ni Inday at Dodong.

Basurero: Be careful in letting go of
the things you thought are just nothing
because maybe someday you'll realize
that the one you gave away is the very
thing you want to stay.


hahahaha!! lufet! atleast mer0n din taung malalamang lessons kay inday!!!
nose bleed!


LOL. i like this. aus c Inday! Idol! xD
Citizen
5336 cr points
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26 / F / Philippines
Offline
Posted 12/29/07 , edited 4/13/08
from my brother again..

may couple na nag-uusap..napansin nman ng guy n may tinga s ngipin ang kanyang GF..

guy: love, hulaan ko kung ano ung kinain mo kanina..
girl: O sige..hulaan mo nga..

napansin kasi ng guy n green at mukhang kang kong ito, kaya sinabi nya..

guy: Kang Kong di ba?
girl: Mali..kahapon yun eh..

eeeew...
Citizen
4245 cr points
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22 / F / Manila, Philippines
Offline
Posted 12/30/07 , edited 4/13/08
INDAY SA DEAL OR NO DEAL

Kris: Magandang gabi mga kapamilya, sa
gameshow na ito importante ang sagot sa
nag-iisang katanungang Deal or no Deal.
Ang ating player ngayong gabi ay walang
iba kundi ang fastest-rising household
services manager na si Inday!
[umentra si Inday at nagpalakpakan ang
mga tao]

Kris: Ok Inday, choose a briefcase.

Inday: Kris, I would opt for case
please.

Kris: Briefcase # 4... si Sharmel.
Inday, matanong ko lang, how did you
come up with the number 4?

Inday: Oh, do you really want to know
Kris?

Kris: Oo naman. I'm sure kaya ko naman
maintindihan yung sasabihin mo eh.

Inday: The number 4 was acquired based
on a probability distribution function
that involves integrating up to an area
greater than or equal to that random
number which should be generated
between
0 and 1 for proper distributions.

Kris: Syet. tanong tanong pa kasi eh.

Kris: Ok Inday, choose 6 briefcases to
open.

Inday: I would opt for 7, 24, 12, 2, 15
and 20.

Kris: Wait lang Inday, usually isa isa
lang ang pagbubukas natin ng case...
Inday: Why is that? As if I can change
the outcome if we're to open a case
each
time I blurt out a number as opposed to
opening each case immediately one after
the other right?

Kris: Hayyy...babaguhin pa talaga
mechanics (bulong sa sarili).

Kris: Anwyay, di bale na lang nga...
tuloy tayo. Number 7. Natalie buksan
na!!
[Yung audience sumisigaw ng LOWER!!
LOWER!!!]

Kris: Teka lang, bago natin buksan...
Inday, usually ang mga contestants
naten
ay sumisigaw ng "LOWER" every time
magbubukas ng case.

Inday: Kris, I guess that's not the way
I was taught in grade school. You see,
I
was taught that we should only use the
comparative form of the word or
add "ER"
to the adjective if we are comparing
two
things. And since it is only the first
briefcase that we are going to open, we
have nothing to compare it to. Am I
right?
[natahimik ang audience at napaisip]

Kris: Oo nga no!

Kris: Sige Natalie, Buksan mo na.
[Ang laman ng briefcase 7 ay Piso...
Palakpakan ang mga tao]

Kris: Good start! Ano yung next case mo
ulit?

Inday: Case number 24 please.

Kris: Chloe... buksan na...
[Audience sumisigaw ulit ng LOWER!!
LOWER!!]

Kris: Wait lang guys, Inday may
nabuksan
ng case baket di ka pa rin sumisigaw ng
"Lower"?

Inday: Oh my goodness Kris, how long
have you been doing this? Have you ever
encountered a value that is lower than
a
peso in this game? Tell me, is there
any
value left lower than the one we just
opened? Sheesh.
[Napaisip ulit ang audience at
natahimik]

Kris: Aarrgghh!!!! Chloe buksan na lang
nga, pati na rin yung 12, 2, 15 and 20
buksan na rin para matapos na.
[naiirita na]
[At sunod sunod na ngang nabukas ang
mga
case ni Inday]
[nag-ring ang phone]

Inday: Ahh Kris, to save more time can
you tell Banker that I'm not interested
in his first offer. In the history of
this game of chance, I have yet to see
someone accept a first offer from the
banker. It's quite pathetic and
pretentious for contestants to pause
and
look around the audience as if asking
for advice before ultimately rejecting
the first offer. I mean come on, isn't
that a waste of airtime?

Banker: Potahhh!!! [narinig sa set
kahit
sarado ang kwarto ni banker]
- Ito ang unang pagkakataon na marinig
ng mga audience ang boses ni banker sa
Deal or no Deal.
... dumating na sa kalagitnaan ng show
at mukhang minamalas na si Inday...

Kris: Ok Inday, mukhang kelangan na
natin ng tulong sa mga friends mo...
sino ba yung bigotilyong lalaki na
naka-polo? Ano name nya?

Inday: Ahh, that's my master Mr.
Montemayor.

Kris: Ahhh sya pala yun, how cute naman
pala eh. Sige sir, give us a number.

Mr. Montemayor: Hi Kris, good evening.
I'm a fan. I choose number 22 please.

Kris: Ano Inday ok ba yung number 22?

Inday: Whatever, we shouldn't bite the
hand that feeds us anyway. Go ahead.

Kris: [taray naman] Sofie, buksan na!
[ang laman ng briefcase 22 ay 5,000]

Kris: Good job! Sino naman yung gwapong
lalake na naka jumper na katabi ni Mr.
Montemayor? What's his name?

Inday: Ahh, that's my on again off
again
boyfriend, Dodong the gardener.

Kris: Ooohh, sya pala yun. Ok Dodong,
give us a number!

Dodong: Hi babes, I choose briefcase 9
if it's ok with you. If not, it's ok
with me as long as it's ok with you.

Kris: Ano raw? Inday, number 9 daw ok
say0?

Inday: Yes Kris, it's fine with me.

Kris: Wow ang bait pag kay Dodong.
Ederlyn... buksan na!!
...nanlaki ang mga mata ni Inday at
hindi sya makapaniwala. Natahimik at
mukhang kakapusin sya ng hininga...

Inday: YOU!!! How dare you invade my
moment!
[nagulat si Kris at ang mga audience sa
reaksyon ni Inday. Nagpatawag si Kris
ng
commercial break at nagpakuha ng tubig
para kay Inday.]
Nagkatitigan sina Inday at Ederlyn.
Nakangisi si Ederlyn habang hawak ang
briefcase ni Inday.

Ederlyn: Pinapangako ko, Inday...
pagbukas luluhod ang mga tala!
hahahahaha!

Inday: What? Can you speak up? What are
you mumbling up there. Can somebody
give
her a microphone please?

Kris: Ano ba!! Tama na nga ang drama
ninyo, Ederlyn buksan mo na ang case at
umexit ka na kung ayaw mong mapalitan!
(naiirita na si Kris)
Dali-daling binuksan ni Ederlyn ang
briefcase at ang laman ay...
P3,000,000.
Nanghinayang ang mga audience... Ang
mga
natirang values ay 250, 1K, 20K, 50K,
and 500K.

Inday: NooOoo.... (sabay tingin kay
Dodong at napapaluha), how could you...

Dodong: I'm so sorry Inday, please
forgive me.

Kris: Hayyy, drama again. Ang offer ni
banker sa pagbabalik ng Kapamilya,
Deal.. or No Deal!
[pagtapos ng commercial break...
mukhang
composed na ulit si Inday]

Kris: Inday, are you okay? Ang offer ni
banker ay 99 thousand pesos. 'Sing rami
siguro ng pilipinong pinadugo mo na
ilong. Is it a Deal or No Deal?
Tahimik lang si Inday tilang may
kinocompute sa ulo habang ang mga
audience ay nagsisigawan ng "No Deal",
ang iba naman ay "Deal".

Kris: Wait lang, kung mapapansin ninyo
we have only have 5 cases left, and
among those 5, apat doon ay mas maliit
na value...

Inday: Kris, do you mind? Can I do my
own thinking?
Natameme si Kris, pati ang audience ay
natahimik.

Kris: Taray to the max! (pabulong sa
sarili)

Inday: Ok, I'm ready. Upon looking at
the reality of the situation, 80% of
the
cases left have at least 49K less than
the banker's offer. The only way I can
do better than what is offered is that
if my case contains the 500k or I'd get
to open one of the four lower values.
But I have to keep in mind that there's
only 20% probability that this would
happen. I have to take note, however,
that the banker's offer is roughly
around 15% lower than the offer I
expected based on the arithmetic mean
of
the values left.

Kris: Lorddd... panaginip ba 'to?
Ayokonaaa... .

Inday: Accepting a deal for less than
the mean should generally be regarded
as
a weak decision so I would say, NO
DEAL!
Limang briefcase na lang ang natitira
at
kasama na doon ang case ni Inday...

Kris: My God, nakaka-stress itong
episode na ito ha. Baka dumugo na rin
ang ilong ko sa'yo Inday. Sige Inday,
go
ahead and choose 1 briefcase!

Inday: Ok Kris, I choose briefcase
please?

Kris: Briefcase ! Mimi bago mo buksan
yan I would first like to thank
Figliarina by Schubizz for my sandals,
Bambi Fuentes for my hair and make-up
and Pepsi Herrera for my gown tonight.

Kris: Ok Mimi, buk...

Inday: Ahh Kris, can I also take time
to
thank a few people? I mean, I did save
us a few minutes of airtime right?

Kris: ("kapal naman talaga ng
mukha"...bulong sa sarili) Sige, ok
lang
go ahead. (naka-smile pa rin)

Inday: Thanks! Yes, I would like to
thank Frank Provost for my hair and
make-up, Jimmy Choo for my sandals and
my dear friend Oscar dela Renta for my
gown tonight.
BLAG!! Tinumba ni Kris ang podium at
nagwalk-out. Hindi na natapos ang show
kaya't binigyan na lang ni Banker si
Inday ng kalahating milyon para sa
kanyang oras.

Inday: Oh, and thanks to the people of
Cartier for sending me these nice
earrings for tonight!


[Ito ang isa sa mga un-aired episode ng
Kapamilya, Deal or No Deal]

sorry kung medy mahaba
Citizen
16671 cr points
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M / on the couch with...
Offline
Posted 12/30/07 , edited 4/13/08
anong xmas carol ang kinanta ng isang mental patient?..


eh di.. "Do you hear what I hear?...."
Citizen
14395 cr points
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22 / F / the great northwest
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Posted 12/30/07 , edited 4/13/08
hahaha no haterz please! pwedeng nakakatawa sayo pero hindi nakakatawa sa iba o vice versa
Citizen
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24 / F / philippines [ dav...
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Posted 1/2/08 , edited 4/13/08
sa petshop..
[guy talking to a parrot]


guy : hoi ! can u speak ? ha ?! bobo !
parrot : yes i can speak ! ikaw , can u fly ? ha ?!? gago !

hehe . wala lang . XD
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