I need a bit of criticism
Posted 10/14/06
i normally wouldnt ask in a place like this, but IRC is mean and wont let me post it without being kicked, so could you guys read the prelude to my short story for school, and lemme know what ya think? i got a few complaints of wondering who was who, and who was talking when and stuff. thanks to anyone in advance (and dont just be a dick because you hate me, id like some actually criticism)
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"There's a li'l town out there. Just beyond those large Elms. Some say its haunted, others say it is controlled by a cult. A man in town even said it was possessed by Satan himself!"

"Yeah, and it's all fucking bullshit Riv. We've all heard the stories, and they are all rediculous". The shorter, muscular man shifted his weight, then looked back at his friend as he urged his horse forward.

"Aye, but if it is true, we'll be needin' more than that huge slab of metal you call a sword to fight 'em off, won't we Jon?"

The two men walked their horses slowly, side by side. The third companion, a shorter woman, with a small and feminine build entirely unlike the others, sped up to meet her companions.

"Silly men. Always looking for something to fight...and when they can find nothing, they make us fantasy beasts and monsters to battle. Isn't war with others good enough for you two? I don't suppose it would be, would it, brother?"

Letting out a chuckle, Rival slowed his horse down to walk alongside his sister. Althought twins, the two were no more alike than water and vinegar. Always the rash fighter, Rival tended to charge into a situation wishing only a fight. And although she hated the adventures they were continuously on, Reisz made sure to always be at his side, if not to just keep him alive.

"Always ruinin the fun, aren't ya, sis?" Rival said, as they approached the treeline. "But, we'll see how ya act once we get into that li'l town. Whatever the hell is there, let's go have a bit of fun! Whaddya say?!"

With a quick smirk, he was off. His horse running towards the trees, he turned his head around and yelled "See ya both in the village!" as he dissappeared into the trees.

"Heh...that brother of yours. Always gettin' us into some form of trouble, huh? Well, let's go."

With a quick kick to their horses, they were quickly off in search of Rival, and whatever the village might hold.
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yeah, sooo. yeah
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26 / M
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Posted 10/14/06
Overall its pretty good. I think you could work on the character introducitons a little better because you were describing a house and then all of a sudden characters popup and Im like who the hell are these guys. are these guys. Or at least put an introduction somewhere.
Posted 10/14/06
well, that is the prologue. i was planning, when they got into town, to point out some background about them all. i have a notepad of notes sitting next to me, that i keep with me most of the time
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Posted 10/14/06
Oh I see. I thought that was like the first page or something. It sounds good so far.
Edit for spelling
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Posted 10/14/06
spelling - ridiculous* ruinin'* (add the ')

What kind of dialect are the characters speaking in? Sometimes it sounds too formal if they're common folk, and other times it sounds too casual if they're knights or something.

I'd use the phrase "water and oil" I think that might have been what you meant anyway?

Other than that I'd add more description to the house, what it looks like use some imagery. Give a setting so we know where the story takes place, what this haunted house looks like, size, yard, broken down, etc. Not only that but even if you don't explictly say what time period or part of the world you in you need to add clues. The horses and sword reference are 2 clues already, but other forms of clues could be clothes descriptions, phrases like "Riv had enjoyed is wanderings and adventures ever since he was exiled from the castle of blah blah in Northern England in 1545". Also arx is right about the character introductions. Find a way to work in descriptions of them, age, build, personality, maybe even history (where they were born, any unique qualities like Jon is really independent or something because his parents died when he was 12 XD I dunno that's cliche but you get the point).

EDIT: ooookay didn't see your post before I posted XD it looks like you're getting to all my suggestions later ^^!
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Posted 10/14/06
I figured that the spelling errors would be corrected as he typed it on word or something. There are a couple more, but they would be fixed on word and this is just the prologue. I think most detail should go in the chapters in the middle of dialoge.
Posted 10/14/06
yeah, ive never worried too much about spelling. i check things later usually.

and they are actually scottish, 14th century, but i didnt wanna make it too hard to read in Scots. least...not while having it critisized (if i put it into Scots, it would take you all a good 30 mins to read. hehe). i want to have Reisz more formal, Rival more...casual and Jon in between.
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Posted 10/14/06
Oh wow then you might want to help on the explanations because I thought they were cowboys.

Akward but now I see the sword referenced perfectly now. Anyway I liked it Haddon and think it could make for a really good story but one thing is and it is probably just because it is a prologue but the characters seem a little to common. I mean just about any story you read has the cautious one and the overly excited gets himself into trouble one. It might just be the prologue but I would say add a little more spice to their character.

Also the imagery as Do0maid pointed out could be better since like I said I thought we were talking about cowboys. I liked the way you made it though and it makes for a suspenseful and yet explaining introduction in the sense it does leave you with the want for more.
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