Post Reply Earth-Bound
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Posted 9/23/08
I may not seem so good, so if you think tht there should be some changes, please post here! And since this is y first time writing, it may not seem so good, sorry!
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Melissa Bawden was having a hard time trying overcome her feelings. She could easily recall what had happened two days ago...
She had got up late during the night to get a drink of water from the kitchen and passed by the study room.
"...should tell her, she's old enough to live on her own. Melissa is not so weak as we think, she beat up a young man a few weeks ago. It was that young man, Henry Kirley, the son of the richest man here..." a familiar voice said. Melissa stopped dead in her tracks. Why, wasn't that her mother? What was that about her living on her own? She felt goosebumps break out all over her skin. What was her mother saying?
"Yes, it's true Melissa beat up Henry and almost got us sued, had it not been for Henry's excuse that someone else did it, she would have been in court. But she's still to young to know the truth!" another person said, her father, this time. The truth? What truth? Melissa was feeling really spooked out by now.
"She's old enough to know that she's not our daughter! Didn't we agree to tell her the truth when she was sixteen? Now she's already eighteen! We should have left her by the forest eighteen years ago!" Her mother was shouting. Melissa reeled from shock. She was an orphan? That had to be a lie. Maybe it was one of her parents acts.
Then her father sighed in resignation."All right. We'll tell her the truth when her birthday comes." he said wearily. There was a sound of footsteps heading towards the door and Melissa ran back to her room, no longer feeling thirsty.
If only she had not eavesdropp on them! The last few weeks had been hectic enough. She hardly spoke to her parents and there was still school work to be done. Even her classmates had noticed her changes.
Why? Why is this happening? Melissa thought to herself and she went to the balcony, trying to calm herself. It was bad enough knowing that her parents were going to tell her the 'truth', but now her feelings were in a turmoil, so she did not feel like doing anything.
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22 / F / in the shadows, y...
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Posted 9/25/08 , edited 9/25/08
Well, the beggining seems a bit chaotic, like you were about to add some supernatural stuff but changed your mind halfway and decided to stick to the normal stuff. You got the reaction down okay but as for the mother, why would she yell if they're trying to keep it a secret from their daughter? Yelling lets people hear stuff very clearly......except for......well. yeah. Cause he's pretty dense but that's off topic. XP.

Even if they're asleep, unless they sleep like the dead, they'd still sort of hear it. It's this instinctive thing for when you hear someone call your name. You altomatically hear it even if it's not that loudly said as long as you're in hearing range. Yelling is a big range.

Well, like most writers you need description. What's the house like? What does Mellisa look like? What's she wearing?

Also, just a personal opinion since I'm not sure if it can be considered crit and I need another opinion on this, but I got the feeling that you're moving along too fast. It's like "Wait. Isn't this a way too important topic to just decide about so fast? Where's the drama? The anger as parents argue more? The raising of voices until one of them suddenly says, 'Sush. Don't want our daughter to wake up and here this'. Where's the one subject leading to the other? Maybe even a few mentions of what else Mellisa's done that adds up to make her suitable to be disclaimed?" You know? That kinds of stuff.

Also, considering that you said it was the middle of the night, shouldn't the parents be talking in quiet voices? Shouldn't she be able to hear just parts and pieces here and there until the parents raise their voices to argue? Just a random thought here. Still, the overall story's got a okay, but shaky, plot and it hints more interesting things to come.

Got some questions that I hope the story'll later answer. Why did that Henry Kirley say that she didn't beat him up? Why did she beat him up in the first place or was that just rumors? Will they pair up later on or is that just one of the few mentions of him there will ever be?
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21 / F / Singapore
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Posted 9/25/08
thnx! I guess I got too nervous and got along too fast for the story... And you are right, i was planning to write it differently but i got very very scared to write it so i sorta changed it. Well, if i'm to edit it, i'll have to wait till 9th Oct... I'm having my exams now...
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22 / F / in the shadows, y...
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Posted 9/25/08
Really? Hn. Well, good luck on your exams. Also, here's an idea, you could always write multiple versions of a story. I do that a lot. And don't be nervous about putting an idea down. Without ideas and imagination to keep ourselves and maybe others entertained, we'd all go crazy because of boredom XP. You're writing basics are good so I'm pretty sure that the original idea's well made too. Practice makes as close to perfect as can be ^_^.
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Posted 9/26/08 , edited 9/26/08
ok, here's the original...
Earth- Part 1
Jasmine Tan( melissa isn't soo nice) tossed a glance at the dresses that were laid out on the bed. She was having her 18th birthday the next day and was choosing the dress that she was going to wear. As the only daughter of the richest family, altough she got what she wanted but she was not spoiled as other stuck-up girls. But she was going to have a hard time, deciding what to choose. There were three dresses on the bed, a grey one, a white one and a silver one. All of them had sequins sewed here and there, and some sparkles were sewed at the top, there was a pair of elbow length white gloves to go with each outfit and they were made by the same person, only that the colours were different. Then she looked out of window, there was a light breeze that caressed her brow, and it blew her hair back a bit. She sat down on a chair and sighed. What would you do, mother? She thought to herself as she recalled the conversation that she had eavesdropp on.
She had woken up in the middle of the night feeling thirsty and headed to the kitchen. Just when she passed by the study room, she heard muffled shouts coming from behind the door. Jasmine stopped dead in her tracks as she heard her father's and step mother's voices.
"...old enough! I don't care whether you approve or not, I am going to kick Jasmine out of this house!" she heard her stepmother's muffled shout.
"No! She's not old enough to know. At least wait until her 18th birthday, please." she heard her father beg her stepmother.
"Very well. But by then, she must know that she's not your real daughter." Jasmine heard her stepmother say stiffly. Then she walked towards the door and opened it. But Jasmine was no longer there.
Jasmine was back in her room and hugging herself fearfully. Her mother had died when she was 8 years old. After the funeral, her father was afraid that she would be lonely and married a widow(is this correct?) who had two other daughters, so as to keep Jasmine company. But her stepmother did not care for the welfare of Jasmine and tried to get her out of the family. Her stepsisters simply ignored her, as if she was not even living on Earth. But regardless of that, she always outshone them in everything.
She glanced at the dresses on the bed, well, she could always make the decision tomorrow, seeing as her guests were going to arrive at 4 o'clock. Then she went downstairs to watch the preparations for her party.
Writer
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Posted 9/26/08 , edited 9/26/08
Earth-Part 2
Jasmine was walking around in the garden with her dress on. She had chosen the silver dress as it bought out her silver eyes and waist long black hair that was tied in an elegant bun. She always found her hair strange as it was silvery-white when it reflected the mooonlight. Sometimes, it was midnight blue in the setting sun and the rising sun....
To be continued--(my mum wanna use the comp now... )
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22 / F / in the shadows, y...
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Posted 9/28/08
Hn. Yep. This version is definately better then the one before. The description is good. Another Cinderella story huh. Those never get old ^_^. Hope there'll be a nice plot twist =D
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21 / F / Singapore
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Posted 9/30/08
Yeah, when i was thinking bout it, the story pretty seemed much like Cinderella...^^ Oh well, i guess it doesn't matter... Cinderella's story is quite well known, anyways. What with another author taking up the story lines and writing 1 bout Princess Academy. I can't write much more... my mum wouldnt allow me. Hate exams...
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