First  Prev  1  2  3  Next  Last
Do you like this story
4095 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / M / Los Angeles, Cali...
Offline
Posted 9/30/08
there are some some spelling errors and the grammar needs a hefty amount of work, but its legible
16324 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / M / Bangalore,India
Offline
Posted 10/1/08
I keep picturing John McCain :(
But the story is good
724 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
29 / F / The Problematiques
Offline
Posted 10/1/08
Nice story.. But still too short ^^;
1044 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
28 / M / Somewhere near by...
Offline
Posted 10/1/08

flanette wrote:

Nice story.. But still too short ^^;


yeah I only write what I think sorry
but I will try to finish some stroy soon
or at least other more...

5245 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
F
Offline
Posted 10/1/08
No.
1044 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
28 / M / Somewhere near by...
Offline
Posted 10/1/08

rexxar wrote:

It there a chapter 2? :D



THERE IS ONE BUT IS ON PROGRESS :d
Posted 10/1/08
It's good ....but did you have to use John McCain.
724 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
29 / F / The Problematiques
Offline
Posted 10/2/08

C0M1C-KN-LEO wrote:


flanette wrote:

Nice story.. But still too short ^^;


yeah I only write what I think sorry
but I will try to finish some stroy soon
or at least other more...



No problem. I prefer quality stories other than hurried actions too
1914 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / M / Cav
Offline
Posted 10/2/08
the story is very nice, ahm may i suggest that:

-you change John Cains name to something that wont make people think about John McCain
-make the robber female (ehehe its just an option though the story is still up to you)
-update the first post if you fixed some grammatical errors
-and if you can include a small scene sketch just for visualization (still the story is up to you)
22734 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
24 / M / Singapore
Offline
Posted 10/2/08
it is pretty good
1857 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / F / at my computer desk
Offline
Posted 10/2/08
its a good story. I would read it if it became a book.
633 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
29 / M / New York, NYC
Offline
Posted 10/2/08
The character sounds suspiciously like John McCain. Story-wise, it's uh kinda all over the place and doesn't really make sense. $30,000/year income neighbors can afford a $220,000 home? Stating facts to build up character and personality for Mr. Cain is a terrible way to do that. It might be okay for a middle schooler...
1044 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
28 / M / Somewhere near by...
Offline
Posted 10/3/08

leechlife wrote:

The character sounds suspiciously like John McCain. Story-wise, it's uh kinda all over the place and doesn't really make sense. $30,000/year income neighbors can afford a $220,000 home? Stating facts to build up character and personality for Mr. Cain is a terrible way to do that. It might be okay for a middle schooler...


I dont believe in the story it says neighbors having a $220,000 home, just Mr. Cain but I see ur point, but the point im trying to give is for him living in a normal neighborhood to avoid conflicts and embarrasing situations.

First  Prev  1  2  3  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.