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Warriors of Change (Story Title)
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29 / M / ninja mode
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Posted 4/12/07 , edited 4/23/07
intro. this is a story of ganaru wendeless born and trained in the kyuba tribe. in the world of sonosilias which consists of an ancient technological advanced time. hundreds of nations and 28 hidden tribes exist in all. these tribes were founded a long time ago by certain individuals who wanted to make a new type of system of governmatic change. the people who founded these nations were individuals who greatly respected the hero senial hendel.
who wrote that to live one's life, there is neither good nor evil only the circumstances of the situation. humans should live their lives following the trials of man, woman, and the warrior. the men and women who founded these nations of warriors believed exactly what senial said. these individuals who created these nations were mercenaries who fought for huge sums of money in a huge war. there were 29 members who fought for the ninsinias army.
the leader of this brigade was none other then senial Hendel himself. senial fought the imperial terros. at a time in which the terros controlled 85 % of the world and humans were nothing but cattle, and slaves. the nation of ninsinias was the only free nation left in the world . The terros emperor demanded the warrior nation submit into terros control, they refused. war began.
since almost the whole world was almost completely under terros reign. the brigade of the Dragon had no where else to go. so they enlisted in the ninsinias army. they fought bravely and helped liberate the world; yet like all stories the hero must die to change it all. senial hendel gave his life to set humanity free. he told the whole army to flee far away from the city. he would end this war himself. having gathered energy into his body for 2 months he was prepared to release it all in a furious explosion upon the biggest city in the whole Terros Empire killing millons of the terrothian people. all that remained after was senials dying body inside of a deep crater.
this is where he told his last famous words to his friends who had returned after he leveled the city. to live life without pain, means to live life ignorant of suffering. senial was greatly honored by the whole human race. shortly after morale rose greatly'; to a point when there was only 20,000 terros left. now four hundred years later thanks to the brigade of the Dragon over 312 nations exist . the 28 tribes make money by offering their services to the other nations. the 28 tribes were created from those who were left in the brigade of the dragon.

Episode. 101 .Ch.1 Ganaru prepares for the trials! A familiar face

Sorry about the long post but this is roughly my prologue or introduction into the story. I had the first chapter up but it was deleted from my computer. give me any ideas for chapter one and so on. I plan on making this into a anime that's why it is also called episode. 101.
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20 / M / Boston
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Posted 4/12/07
This brings back the whole submitted stories section of the forum. I'm sure we have a lot of writers here why not give us a place to express ourselves?
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Posted 4/12/07
that would be an excellent idea hopchow. so what do you think of my story so for? any ideas for ch.1?
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27 / F / UK
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Posted 4/12/07
Wow that's a detailed plot already! I'm no good with that genre so i can't really help with Chapter 1 - good luck though! ^-^

Oh and here's a 'Post your Writings' thread you could use:
http://www.crunchyroll.com/showforumtopic?id=2034

I think it's still being discussed whether to have a Creative Pieces section in the forums ^-^

EDIT to 2 below! ^-^


Hopchow:
The problem with 1 thread being it\'s a pain to look through a large number of writings when they are presented in such a fashion.


Hmm perhaps the creator of the thead could give the first post an index. Eg. ''Keelo: Warriors of Change on Page 3'' etc?
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21 / F / SDF-1
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Posted 4/12/07
LOL keelo, is governmatic even a word?
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20 / M / Boston
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Posted 4/12/07

s_j_b wrote:

Wow that\'s a detailed plot already! I\'m no good with that genre so i can\'t really help with Chapter 1 - good luck though! ^-^

Oh and here\'s a \'Post your Writings\' thread you could use:
http://www.crunchyroll.com/showforumtopic?id=2034

I think it\'s still being discussed whether to have a Creative Pieces section in the forums ^-^


The problem with 1 thread being it\'s a pain to look through a large number of writings when they are presented in such a fashion.

As far as your story goes keelo, proper punctuation and grammar makes every story easier to read. Besides that what you\'ve presented is really only an idea for what a story could be, I dislike influencing an authors mind by introducing my own ideas into a plot. I\'m interested to see where you\'ll go with it, not what I think should happen.
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Posted 4/12/07

s_j_b wrote:

Wow that's a detailed plot already! I'm no good with that genre so i can't really help with Chapter 1 - good luck though! ^-^

Oh and here's a 'Post your Writings' thread you could use:
http://www.crunchyroll.com/showforumtopic?id=2034

I think it's still being discussed whether to have a Creative Pieces section in the forums ^-^


and you tell me I'm all seeing and knowing. tsk tsk look who's talking.
s_j_b is right, this has been discussed....but again shinji still has to read it

good piece keelo.
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25 / M / Germany
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Posted 4/12/07
how are you writing it? 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person?
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30 / Ronald McDonald's...
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Posted 4/12/07
Sounds like an interesting setting, though a little epic. But before being able to make any suggestions it would be good to know roughly where you\'re heading / the role your main character\'s going to have
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25 / F / at the computer duh
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Posted 4/12/07
its pretty good but it just doesn't flow and you need to work on sentance structure
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Posted 4/12/07
here's how I had ch.1 set up: it consists of several different flashbacks that relate to Ganaru. it shows how ganaru has to deal with the people around him, and controversy surrounding his families past. here's my intro for ch.1.

Ganaru wendeless born in D.E(Dragon Era) 420 is the son of the legendary warrior and traitor Kane Wendeless and his mother Karen Lendya who was supposedly the strongest priestess that the tribe of trilendos ever produced,who died of giving birth to Ganaru. due to the actions of his father and the tragic death of his mother. ganaru was always treated with animosity and sometimes outright hatred, while growing up. Ganaru had to grow up early because of the way he was treated as child. he would always get into trouble as boy: ranging from almost killing grown men and women; to almost getting expelled from school for fist fighting his teachers. now 17 years later in the year 437 D.E Ganaru Wendeless prepares for the Trials of man that will help change his life forever.

the role my main character is going to have is this. he\'s on a journey that will last a life time. he wishes to become the ultimate warrior to ever exist,and to be recognized not only by his on tribe; but, by the 28 tribes that currently exist. you see I\'m going to break the books into volumes. the first volume will mainly consist of the interaction amongst the teams that are formed. the teams will take missions for certain sums of money which in turn will help increase the tribes wealth and power. the teams will each learn more about it each others past,and family. during the course of these missions it will help the teams prepare for the dragon tournament. the dragon tournament will have the top teams from all of the tribes compete to see who deserves to move up in rank. it also is an anniversary of the great war that humans fought for there freedom; and lastly it helps the tribes gather potential clients. one more thing it will show that the terros that survived the war will be plotting to avenge their ancestors

of course governmatics is a word I made up noodle.in fact its one of many I made up.
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Posted 4/12/07
i would change the first sentence,i always stop reading if more then one imagined name is written in the first few sentences:this is a story of ganaru wendeless. Who is part of the kyuba tribe. in the world of sonosilias .......
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25 / M / Imagination Land
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Posted 4/13/07
chapter 1 seems a bit like a naruto plot ripp-off, but it fits well with your epilogue, which i really like; it's pretty amazing.
Posted 4/13/07
As you know from Berserk, a mercenary tribe only holds the morality of its leader. It is great that you have created these "terros" that exist only to be hated, but I see untapped potential here. It is odd that 29 followers created 29 tribes that survived the whole 400 years. I would love a conflict in reality where bad things came only from the bad, but I cannot believe that all 29 tribes would have survived and prospered for four centuries, considering how morally loose you have set up their societies. If there is no bad or good according to these people, what would stop them from fighting each other after their leader leaves, and especially after 400 years when his words have grown cold? Situational definitions of good and bad are notorious for causing conflicts. If the Nazis commit genocide, they have more room and that is good. To the rest of Europe, it wasn't so good in their situation. Your whole story exists on such an unstable foundation. And who's to say that, after 400 years of getting beaten back, the "terros" are still the evil empire they once were?

I'd also recommend making sure to work out some of these blanket terms you throw around before you get too far into writing this. You mentioned Hendel storing energy. What kind of energy? (magical energy, technological energy, ki/spirit energy, dragon energy) Can anyone do this? Why doesn't everyone do this? How could Hendel himself do this? How much does this power affect the technological parts of the society? You also set the story as a fusion of ancient and technological time. What makes you use both settings at once, does this come out thematically? How has the society maintained this state for 400 years? You mentioned that the mother was a priestess. Is this a religious body of power, along with the national governments and the mercenary tribes? Does magic exist in this world? Do dragons? Be careful when blending so many contrasting and chaotic elements, because you have to make them seem real and human or your readers may not be able to reach them.

(before you yell at me for being an insufferable know it all, I'm in film school and I doctor scripts in my sleep. People pay thousands for this kind of sh**. And you asked for it in the first post.)

P.S. These are questions you should ask yourself; I don't need the answers, you do! ^_^ But if you really want more of what I just gave you, PM me and I'll rant on even further in my free time. But the hardest decision I see you having right now is justifying why you are blending old and new, and why we should believe that it works for 400 years (20 generations!).
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Posted 4/13/07
based on the advice given so far I believe I need to clear somethings up and add new things.

first things, first Magic. magic comes in many different forms in the world, in which my story is set. there is spiritual energy,mental energy, and planetary,and universal energy. Spirit energy is energy that comes from one's Spirit. if you use up all of one's Spirit energy you die. all forms of one's energy are linked to your spirit. Mental energy is energy of one's mind.
it gives you the capability to use T.K. mind control, let's you tap into others energy, and gather the energy in your body. it also let's you shape it into many different forms. Planetary energy and universal energy is how this world and universe coexist.whenever one gets tired, when one draw breaths, when one dies, this energy becomes apart of the planet. this planetary energy adapts with its environment and becomes apart of that element.
enough with energy onto other things. when senial saved human civilization as we now know it. he used a combination of all forms of energy. he used mental ene. to create a container to hold the energy he gathered from the places the army traveled to ,and from. also considering the fact he gathered all of this energy into his body. it began to tear at his insides. because you see human beings can only hold so much energy at one time. the energy must be released or it will tear the vassal in half.
your right gopehergold conflict makes a much more interesting story so I'll change it up a bit. the tribes did not coexist for 400 years without conflict. during the 200 years after the clans were formed conflict began to rise up amongst the clans. due mainly to the fact that one man of the lenkdross (hand without hate) tribe wanted to unite the tribes into one powerful nation that could conquer the world. some tribes gave into his demands and joined into an alliance with him, others refused and suffered heavy losses. finally after only but 10 ten tribes were under his rule he began to gather his forces and launched an all out war on the nations of the world. he began to conquer one nation after another. until one day people began to notice the change in Tehran James.
he began to become paranoid,and started killing people. he thought that there were traitors amongst him. Hundreds of thousands of people died during this time. up in till the point that his own men called on the remaining ten tribes of the dragon. they sent one such man who specialized in eradicating demons and other creatures of the dark.his name is Karyn Jenosa of the kyuba tribe. After entering Tehran James camp he discovered that his supposedly lovely wife was nothing but a demon who had just given birth to his first child. thinking quickly he sneaks into their chamber late at night and kills Tehran's wife.
Tehran wakes up with a start and sees his wife turning back into a demon. Tehran senses begin to return, and he realizes what he's done.he resigns all of the wars he's currently fighting, and gives his generals control of the 19 tribes he took over. His generals apologize for their commanders actions and accept full responsibility for his actions. Tehran takes his son and puts him in the Kyuba orphanage, and begins an exiled journey to repent of his sins.
After the 29 tribes reunited they created a council so no such war would ever happen again. also recognizing the dangers the demons, and other creatures of the dark represented. the council decided to create a group of priest,and priestess who specialized in destroying creatures of the dark. the group consisted of individuals who had a constant faith in God. the leader of this organization was none other than Karyn Jenosa.

I hope that clears things up a bit about my story. whew! writing takes a lot out of you that's for sure.
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