Post Reply a story to help my writing
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UN1M3 
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Posted 10/10/08 , edited 10/11/08
okay this is a story that i wrote to help my write. Please read and comment. (U HAVE TO COMMENT or else this story would have no meaning. Since i wrote it to help my write better >_>.) Anyway, give me advice tips anything that would help me write better ^_^ anything u write would be helpful to me. ^_^ thank you and please read on. XD




(P.S For those who are reading this and don't get some of the words. I kinda got a Japanese format set up so I'm sorry.
Onee-chan= older sister
Nee-san= is a formal way of saying older sister
Sensei= teacher
Again I'm very very very sorry D= it just i thought it would be better if it had a Japanese format D= sorry
Also
green= hItru
purple=kiki
orange=when i shift to a different scene or a diff point of view
red=a person that wasn't introduced
)
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UN1M3 
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Posted 10/10/08
Okay UN1M3 If u want some advice I suggests that u read some of ur stories out loud. That way u can hear ur mistakes and such. ^_^




(LOL)
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Posted 10/10/08 , edited 10/10/08
well first of all you should write it more clearly...as in order I mean. Its really messy and confusing this way. you should make the passages more seperate that way the story will become more fluid and easy to understand. You also should try to use more decriptions. I tell that to everyone. Descriptions are really important cause they activate your imagination and pulls you into the story a lot easier. Your story was intriguing, It got me curious but you need a lot of work on it...you are writing as the main character that gives you a limited perspective but also you can talk about anything thats going on in "the main character's" head...just keep going, if you ask me this story seems like something I would love to read. all you have to do is to make it a little bit more easier for all of us to read it...

sorry its kinda long, I hope you wont be mad at me
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Posted 10/10/08
you need to really work on the spacing, nobody like reading a whole chunk like that.
Also , try to describe the surrounding. And maybe you should try to show instead of telling.
On the whole , this story look goods.
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Posted 10/11/08
omg thank you so much (even my teacher said that i need to add more details XD) i'll work on wut u told my to work on (i couldnt think of the right words XD) well then on the next chapter i hope i get better ^_^ thank you again (HAVE TO WORK HARD ^_^)
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Posted 10/11/08 , edited 10/11/08


I'm sorry this was short D= and i tried to fit some details in there but there isn't a lot D= Im sorry.
Hope u enjoy =D
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Posted 10/15/08
wow no ones giving me advice for my chapter 0.0 i guess ill just not post the rest of the story until someone tells me how i did >_>
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Posted 10/16/08
WOW you got me curious...sorry I was busy with life, I couldnt even post a new episode to my novel but the moment I am back I read yours...I really wanna read more from you, please dont stop posting, I love your story telling... explaining whats happening at the same time with two people...kinda like 24 the tv show (you probably dont know about it but believe me its a compliment )

All I can say is you should make it a little bit more tidy so it would be easier to read and maybe you can use only black for writing (but thats only my opinion ) and is there any special reason why you keep posting it in a spoiler??

anyway about the story I loved it and I wanna see more...please???? pretty please?? pretty please with sugar on top???
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Posted 10/16/08
well thank you ^_^ that makes me feel better and i put it in spoiler cuz i dont want to fill up the whole page but i could change it and i'll try making it neater ^_^ thanks for the advice also i'll continue
please keep reading if u have time
(and i know about the tv show 24 i dont watch it tho XD)
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Posted 10/16/08
“Huh??” Hitru said still not understanding what’s going on. She looked in the magazine and said “Do u mean Yorik Tamiour?? He fits your description but I doubt that he was at your school.” “He was!! He was!! And he stole my notebook!!!” I yelled right in front of my sister’s face. Her expression was dumb founded. Like the expression of when you said that you saw a ghost but they say yeah ghosts are real, with their eyes staring at you blankly, one eye brow up and an eye squinted.

“Okay, fine, if you don’t believe me then fine.” I said annoyed with my sister’s blank stare. ‘But he was there’ I thought to myself ‘He was and I know it.’ ‘Well then Kiki.” Hirtru remarked. “If you finished having your drama scene then I’ll be going back to my design.”

“Wait!” I ran to my school bag. Everything was still on the floor, all spread out. I rumbled though the mess of stuff, moving thing here and there, until I found my pencil and a piece of paper to draw on. I rushed to my sister almost slipping on the mountain of mess which laid quietly on the floor.

“What Kiki??” “I’m going to give you the design.” I squealed excitedly. ‘She’s going to love this’ I thought to myself not noticing that I was smiling widely with my sister staring at me as if I was nuts. “Stop staring at me like that.” I scrolled. “Or these I won’t show you the design.” “Fine by me” she said laying back on the sofa with her eyes closed. “Okay then” I said. “I know this game and I won’t be the one who loses” I muttered softly under my breath.

I stood with my back straight. I straightened my shirt and gathered my things. But before I went to clean my mountain of mess I saw my sister opened one of her eyes. “Nee-san” I remarked. “Are u sure now is the time to be resting?? Don’t you have a design to finish or start?” “AAAAAAAAAHHHH! Kiki!!!” Hitru screeched while sitting up. She put her hands on her face and started to scream quietly.

‘Oh, I feel bad for making Hitru scream.’ I thought. ‘But I’m not going to lose this time’ I thought as I walked quietly to my room’s door, where the mess had been piled. The quiet scream had stopped. I bent down to grab my school bag wondering how all the stuff had ever fit in it. I heard shifting and then I felt eyes looking at me.

I chucked to myself shaking my head. “Kiki???” Hitru muttered. “Can u show me the design?” I chucked silently to myself again. ‘Hitru has meet defeat.’ I thought laughing. “So now you want to see it Nee-san??” I couldn’t help but say.

(Back at school) We were laughing at what we saw on the first page of the notebook. You wouldn’t believe it but on the first page there was a drawing of a baby, its head three times bigger then its body. And its eyes like a little speck that you can barely see. Also it had a talk bubble that said I’m hungry. But on the other side of the talk bubble was a thought bubble that said I’m going to eat YOU. “Okay, okay" I said "enough. We have to get home before it gets late.” I said calming down. “Yes… sir….” Kunzi said between chuckles.

I smiled and shuck my head. As I got into the limo I looked in the notebook again. ‘Maybe the next page will have some more detail as to who the owner is’ I thought. On the second page there was a poem. That read…

These are the statements I tell to you
“Mom, I love you “
“Dad, I love you”
“Mom, Dad, I love you”
And you say
“I love you too”

These are the questions I ask you
“Mom, do u love me??”
“Dad, do you love me?”
“Mom, Dad, do u love each other?”
And you answer with
“Of course we do”

But do u really??
Do you really love me???
Do you really love each other??
Cause if you did would you have left one another??
Would you have left me too???

Mom, Dad, you are a liar.
I can’t believe anything you do.
But you taught me to go though.
So now I’ll live on without you two.


As I read this I got a feeling that I was closer to this person now. And with that I shut the notebook. I didn’t want to go though the notebook anymore. I would stop here. ‘I wonder what that girl is doing right now.” I thought as I stared out the window, seeing a city far away with the lights looking like stars.

(At Hitru’s apartment.) “Okay, if you put the neck tie here it would look better.” Hitru said to me. “Oh it really does.” I have shown Hitru my design and she loved it like I thought. “Alright now I can sleep without any worries.” Hitru said laying back on the sofa. “Cause I helped” I uttered softly. “Did u say something Kiki??” “Oh, no, no.” I said smiling at Hitru.

Okay then ^_^ the next part or chapter XD
i hope u enjoy (i think i did a pretty good job with this ^_^ even though i still need help with my descriptions)
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Posted 10/16/08
you are learning and improving so much...if you dont get me wrong...I am proud of you there are very few people who can take critisizm and use them to improve themselves. The story is going great, you are way more tidier and now it flows gracefully, descriptions are getting better but you know the more detail you give the more imagination readers will use, so they will be inside of the story...........maybe I shouldnt tell you this, it sounds rude and bragging but I always thought my descriptions were good .... so you can check my story if you really need help with them....




...I cant wait for another part / chapter
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Posted 10/18/08

elanra_moonlight wrote:

you are learning and improving so much...if you dont get me wrong...I am proud of you there are very few people who can take critisizm and use them to improve themselves. The story is going great, you are way more tidier and now it flows gracefully, descriptions are getting better but you know the more detail you give the more imagination readers will use, so they will be inside of the story...........maybe I shouldnt tell you this, it sounds rude and bragging but I always thought my descriptions were good .... so you can check my story if you really need help with them....




...I cant wait for another part / chapter


Can you help me check my story ???
Your story was great , haha , i couldn't write romance , haha
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Posted 10/18/08
talk bubble ?? I think speech bubble is more appropriate.
Also , you can use italics to indicate the important thing or emphasis on something
eg .

" I thought so" , Razier pondered as he narrowed his eyes towards the oncoming stranger ,
his hand moving to his cloth , ready to strike as in wait for his prey.

Using black colour is easier to read. Your poem doesn't rhyme much. What type of techniques are
you using in your poems?

I couldn’t help but say.
maybe you could try to change into something like this

I blurted out before my hands could cover my mouth. Then if you want add more like , Suddenly , I felt
the hot penetrating glare coming from Hitru.

I hope i not being too blunt in pointing out what could be improve. No offence if any hard feelings
are involved. Keep up the good work .You have improved.
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Posted 10/25/08

elanra_moonlight wrote:

you are learning and improving so much...if you dont get me wrong...I am proud of you there are very few people who can take critisizm and use them to improve themselves. The story is going great, you are way more tidier and now it flows gracefully, descriptions are getting better but you know the more detail you give the more imagination readers will use, so they will be inside of the story...........maybe I shouldnt tell you this, it sounds rude and bragging but I always thought my descriptions were good .... so you can check my story if you really need help with them....




...I cant wait for another part / chapter





ligersay wrote:

talk bubble ?? I think speech bubble is more appropriate.
Also , you can use italics to indicate the important thing or emphasis on something
eg .

" I thought so" , Razier pondered as he narrowed his eyes towards the oncoming stranger ,
his hand moving to his cloth , ready to strike as in wait for his prey.

Using black colour is easier to read. Your poem doesn't rhyme much. What type of techniques are
you using in your poems?

I couldn’t help but say.
maybe you could try to change into something like this

I blurted out before my hands could cover my mouth. Then if you want add more like , Suddenly , I felt
the hot penetrating glare coming from Hitru.

I hope i not being too blunt in pointing out what could be improve. No offence if any hard feelings
are involved. Keep up the good work .You have improved.


Thank you so much for ur heads up. 0.0 i would of never thought of anything at intense. XD anyway thanks again. in the next chapter i'll try harder to add more (& better) details. ^_^
Thank you. (Again.)
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Posted 11/6/08
Okay everyone who reads I'll be updating soon.
Maybe this Saturday.. (if i feel up to it XD lol)
anyways
i thank everyone who reads,comments, and gives me advise ^_^
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