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Posted 10/21/08 , edited 10/21/08
I look into the sky and see the stars shimmering gently, it and everything else just seem to remind me of her. Why can't I get her out of my mind, my insides are twisted and torn from it all. I can remember her face vividly, her shy smile and her big beautiful eyes... I can still feel the touch of her golden hair upon my hands. It seems like I have known her for my entire life, someone I am destined to be with; And yet we only met Tonight. I close my eyes as I feel her embrace, it is wonderful how warm I feel with my arms wrapped tightly around her; her head pressed against my chest. Why couldn't it stay like that forever?

I remembered the many disappointments that tortured my heart. The tears rolled off my cheeks lightly as I gripped tightly to the bus seat. How could this be happening now? Why am I breaking down here? I'm such a useless pice of trash! The thoughts swarmed my mind as I couldn't bat them away, I felt my grip get tighter as I fought my self pity with my self loathing. I tried to keep any outburst to myself as they would just make the people around me uncomfortable. It took me 3 and a half stops almost just to get myself back into a normal breathing pattern. Why must I be like this? The doctors tell me to take my medication but it always ends up making me feel worse. As I could feel it melting away, I looked up to see a woman across the Isle staring at me. I knew it, I had disturbed someone's trip. I turned away and tried to ignore it, but she continued to look at me, it was a little strange. When I glanced back in her direction I saw something that I had not expected, tears running down her face. she smiled slightly through them at me and I could only stare in disbelief. When I finally regained myself I looked away quickly, but I could still feel her there. At the next stop she stood, walked over to me and asked softly 'May I?'

"Of course" I scooted over a little in the seat as she sat down, I still didn't get it at all. For a while it was silent, but after another couple blocks she spoke 'I saw it all, the way you held to your seat, the anger and tears across your face... I... I get that a lot too' It took me by surprise, but I decided to go along with it.

"Oh, yeah..." She turned to me and looked right at me 'I thought I was the only one, everyone always seems so normal... I'm sorry It just was the first time I ever saw someone other than... ... I'm sorry I'll go' she began to stand as I sat there kind of bewildered at her sudden approach and what she said, but I couldn't let her go.

"Wait... I know what you mean" she stopped where she was and turned back to me a little, I smiled as best I could and she sat back down. 'I know it's kind of weird, to be speaking up like that so suddenly, I just...'

"You don't have to explain" I interrupted, "It's fine, it's fine. I'm Mark by the way." I reached out a hand but was met instead by something completely different... she wrapped her arms around me and she cried... I didn't know what to do but to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would be alright...

Later on I learned her name, Ashley. It seemed fitting such a simple and beautiful name for such a simple, and well I could not deny her beauty. We got off and spent some time talking in a coffee shop, I got to know her a little better, what kind of movies she likes, her favorite music. The weirdest part was how her favorite things were things I also enjoyed, it was like I had found someone like myself; a little forward and bold, but pretty much like myself. We walked down the street continuing to talk about whatever came to mind. When we came to the street at which we were to part, she smiled and said the strangest thing to me. 'Thank you for tonight, it was the best night of my life'

"That can't be true, all we did was talk and..."

'It was almost enough to make me reconsider'

"Reconsider? Reconsider wha..."

With that she leaned backwards off the curb I tried to grab her but I couldn't get to her as fast as the semi could. I fell down to my knees as the commotion befell around me... I couldn't stand it, I couldn't take it.

After talking to the police and getting the okay to go home, I drove out of the city. I drove to the farthest place I could think to get away from it all. I sat down near the ridge I used to come to with my father when we would go camping, the stars were so clear. I stood and faced away from the ledge, imagining her standing there as I leaned back... I could see her grabbing for me and trying to save me as well.

It hurts more than anything I've known, I can't move...
I look into the sky and see the stars shimmering gently, it and everything else just seem to remind me of her. Why can't I get her out of my mind, my insides are twisted and torn from it all. I can remember her face vividly, her shy smile and her big beautiful eyes... I can still feel the touch of her golden hair upon my hands. It seems like I have known her for my entire life, someone I am destined to be with; And yet we only met Tonight. I close my eyes as I feel her embrace, it is wonderful how warm I feel with my arms wrapped tightly around her; her head pressed against my chest. Why couldn't it stay like that forever?

Forever...




Holy weird story batman! I think I may have made myself go 'Wha?' so haw bad was it, really?

I need to start planning out stories instead of writing them on a whim...
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Posted 10/24/08
Feels rather bland. Stories like this need good dialogue rather than narration.
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Posted 10/25/08

Lexer wrote:

Feels rather bland. Stories like this need good dialogue rather than narration.


I was kinda going for a bland feel, to compliment the overall feeling of the day he had been having, I thought I kinda lightened it up when I needed to... I suppose I was wrong >.<
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Posted 10/26/08

atatakakunai wrote:


Lexer wrote:

Feels rather bland. Stories like this need good dialogue rather than narration.


I was kinda going for a bland feel, to compliment the overall feeling of the day he had been having, I thought I kinda lightened it up when I needed to... I suppose I was wrong >.<


I meant bland in the sense that it gave me a sensation of Narm (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Narm)

Aside:

I read through that website a lot. Helps me improve.
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Posted 10/26/08 , edited 10/26/08
so it was funny and not serious?

How the heck did I get that wrong...

or were you referring to her being too over the top?... or the entire story?

I dunno... again something I wrote while I was thinking it up, and it wasn't a good story.
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Posted 10/26/08 , edited 10/26/08

atatakakunai wrote:

so it was funny and not serious?

How the heck did I get that wrong...

or were you referring to her being too over the top?... or the entire story?

I dunno... again something I wrote while I was thinking it up, and it wasn't a good story.


No, the drama just didin't work for some reason and was lost.
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Posted 10/26/08

Lexer wrote:

No, the drama just didin't work for some reason.


Ah, so I pulled a Lucas did I?

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Posted 10/26/08

atatakakunai wrote:


Lexer wrote:

No, the drama just didin't work for some reason.


Ah, so I pulled a Lucas did I?



"ANAKIN, YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART!"
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Posted 10/26/08
I don't even want to re-write this story it is such a bad premise...

I think I'll just let it rot.
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Posted 10/26/08 , edited 10/26/08

Lexer wrote:

"ANAKIN, YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART!"


I like darth Vaders "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
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Posted 10/26/08

atatakakunai wrote:

I don't even want to re-write this story it is such a bad premise...

I think I'll just let it rot.


Happens to all of us. I usually just set fire to my bad ones.

Try writing something completely different and see what happens.
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Posted 10/26/08
I think I've written out all my good ideas... lest you all want me to start posting chapters from my book... which I WON'T do :p
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Posted 10/26/08

atatakakunai wrote:

I think I've written out all my good ideas... lest you all want me to start posting chapters from my book... which I WON'T do :p


Ideas are fine. You just need good execution. If you've read the article, the reason the drama fails is usually because of poor execution.

You'll probably find a good writing style your comfortable with and move on from there.

I use a minimalist, twisted writing style commonly found in light novels and visual novels.
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Posted 10/26/08

Lexer wrote:


atatakakunai wrote:

I think I've written out all my good ideas... lest you all want me to start posting chapters from my book... which I WON'T do :p


Ideas are fine. You just need good execution. If you've read the article, the reason the drama fails is usually because of poor execution.

You'll probably find a good writing style your comfortable with and move on from there.

I use a minimalist, twisted writing style commonly found in light novels and visual novels.


I found my style a little while back, just this story is a bad one, with an unbelievable premise (and I don't mean good unbelievable...)

unless you didn't like my other stories?
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Posted 10/26/08

atatakakunai wrote:


Lexer wrote:


atatakakunai wrote:

I think I've written out all my good ideas... lest you all want me to start posting chapters from my book... which I WON'T do :p


Ideas are fine. You just need good execution. If you've read the article, the reason the drama fails is usually because of poor execution.

You'll probably find a good writing style your comfortable with and move on from there.

I use a minimalist, twisted writing style commonly found in light novels and visual novels.


I found my style a little while back, just this story is a bad one, with an unbelievable premise (and I don't mean good unbelievable...)

unless you didn't like my other stories?


I never really had a tolerance for angst. But the shorter poems were better written.

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