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The Magic of the Ruby
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21 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 5/2/07

edsamac wrote:

I notice you changed the beginning a bit from the last time I tried browsing through it. I must say I'm impressed with how quickly you learn. However, you should review your grammar. You have quite a number of grammatical errors that occur too frequently to be considered forgiveable... Plus, try to experiment with your words. You tend to use very bland words, like "ask" or "the one named..." and your descriptions also lack a sort of luring appeal. Try to immerse yourself in the environment and immerse your reader as well.

What more is there to know in the cave? Is it dark? Is it stuffy? Does your character feel hot? tired? thirsty? When she sees the gems, does she feel surprised? Just by reading the first part, I was hoping to know more about this "cave" of sorts - in fact, you can start by trying to expand this portion so you can "capture" your reader and make them want to read on. That's the great part about the first chapter of good books - they have that "thing" that makes you want to read on.

The way I see it, you look like you're writing off bullet points that you made to keep you on track as to where your story is going. Remember, fill the "in-betweens" of these bullets:

She goes into the cave
She sees gems
She gets out
she meets some people... etc.

Fill up those gaps. You can do it.


Wow, you noticed EVERYTHING I'm bad at
Posted 5/2/07

mushroomjay wrote:

I read the first few sentances and it starts out terribly. (I'm not a friendly reviewer and critic, I give you cold hard advice that will actually make you better.)

So far I'd give your story from the few sentances I've read an: epic failure.

Take my advice.


i find "I give you cold hard advice that will actually make you better." slightly arrogant.so youre advice is the best and will make someone improve?i wonder how that girl felt when you said all that bullshit.normally i wouldnt take people's feelings into consideration but that is plain out harsh and its supposed to be comin from a mod,is it not?i thought mods were supposed to be nice to the players...apparently i was wrong...
Posted 5/2/07

skygod333 wrote:


mushroomjay wrote:

I read the first few sentances and it starts out terribly. (I'm not a friendly reviewer and critic, I give you cold hard advice that will actually make you better.)

So far I'd give your story from the few sentances I've read an: epic failure.

Take my advice.


i find "I give you cold hard advice that will actually make you better." slightly arrogant.so youre advice is the best and will make someone improve?i wonder how that girl felt when you said all that bullshit.normally i wouldnt take people's feelings into consideration but that is plain out harsh and its supposed to be comin from a mod,is it not?i thought mods were supposed to be nice to the players...apparently i was wrong...



Listen the mods...their as bad as they want to be

I agree with MJ i demand to know where my *give me back 10 mintues of my life* paper is so i may fill it out and send it in


Trevor (OP)
Posted 5/2/07
i dont give a shit if the mods want to be bad! they became mods because of their postings which were supposed to be good posts not that kind of bullshit.you can submit to them all you want but i think that was overly mean-spirited(id like to say bitchy but then hed come after me)
Posted 5/2/07

skygod333 wrote:

i dont give a shit if the mods want to be bad! they became mods because of their postings which were supposed to be good posts not that kind of bullshit.you can submit to them all you want but i think that was overly mean-spirited(id like to say bitchy but then hed come after me)



No. They werent picked to be mods because of their " good posting" it was because they were the most qualified and had exeprience.....you schmuck.
Just because they are in a position of power DOESNT mean they have to tip-toe around everyone elses feelings they can express their opinions as well cant they?

Trevor (OP)
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27 / F / UK
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Posted 5/2/07
^^ ~~calm~~ you are judging all the mods on one of them and one of their posts. The mods are members too so they are entitled to give their honest opinion like the rest of us. I admit that Jay was a bit harsh but hopefully that will encourage her to keep improving.
You've also made a few harsh posts that i've noticed ^-^

You might want to get to know the mods:
http://www.crunchyroll.com/showforumtopic?id=1096

Back on to the topic of her work now. ^-^
Posted 5/2/07

kyocool wrote:


skygod333 wrote:

i dont give a shit if the mods want to be bad! they became mods because of their postings which were supposed to be good posts not that kind of bullshit.you can submit to them all you want but i think that was overly mean-spirited(id like to say bitchy but then hed come after me)



No. They werent picked to be mods because of their " good posting" it was because they were the most qualified and had exeprience.....you schmuck.
Just because they are in a position of power DOESNT mean they have to tip-toe around everyone elses feelings they can express their opinions as well cant they?

Trevor (OP)


i still think its harsh for a mod,he neednt declare his advice is the best nor does he need to emphasize that he thinks it was a failure by saying it was and "epic failure"
i'd like to see him write something as good and longer.hell id like to see if he could write a fuckin novel.on sublect though, mystery may not spark my interest but i found it to be good.i still dont think there should be forum topics with stories. maybe there should be a story forum section later on
killar 
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Posted 5/2/07
Yeah, most of us were known hard asses before we became mods. We wont sugar coat anything. Anyway, as s_j_b said, lets get back on topic.
Posted 5/2/07

skygod333 wrote:

i still think its harsh for a mod,he neednt declare his advice is the best nor does he need to emphasize that he thinks it was a failure by saying it was and "epic failure"
i'd like to see him write something as good and longer.hell id like to see if he could write a fuckin novel.on sublect though, mystery may not spark my interest but i found it to be good.i still dont think there should be forum topics with stories. maybe there should be a story forum section later on



I dont know MJ very well and have only spoke with him breifly a few times BUT from what ive gathered in our short time speaking i GURANTEE you he could 100% bullshit his way through writing a story to equally match that debotchery i read on the first post. The mods jobs are to keep this forum and working and clean condition, NOT to empower potential lackluster novelists by giving fake postitive reviews.


Trevor (OP)
Posted 5/2/07

kyocool wrote:


skygod333 wrote:

i still think its harsh for a mod,he neednt declare his advice is the best nor does he need to emphasize that he thinks it was a failure by saying it was and "epic failure"
i'd like to see him write something as good and longer.hell id like to see if he could write a fuckin novel.on sublect though, mystery may not spark my interest but i found it to be good.i still dont think there should be forum topics with stories. maybe there should be a story forum section later on



I dont know MJ very well and have only spoke with him breifly a few times BUT from what ive gathered in our short time speaking i GURANTEE you he could 100% bullshit his way through writing a story to equally match that debotchery i read on the first post. The mods jobs are to keep this forum and working and clean condition, NOT to empower potential lackluster novelists by giving fake postitive reviews.


Trevor (OP)


dude he could not bullshit his way through an entire novel.i didnt say give her a sugary sweet review, i said it was a bit harsh especially for a mod and yes jay you may only be a media moderator but youre still a mod. i could care less if he had an opinion,my prob is that i found that he worded it a bit harshly.trevor you need to read and pay attention
8306 cr points
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26 / M / s'pore
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Posted 5/2/07
Lol...i happen to hav a topic thats kinda a like to yours...only that the ppl are allow to alter the story...go check it out.... it called the "story of all story begin now"
Posted 5/3/07

skygod333 wrote:
"
i'd like to see him write something as good and longer.hell id like to see if he could write a fuckin novel.


That would imply he should @ least write as much as she did but could extend clear to a novel. Dont be an idiot and you should pay attention to your own words before you hack away @ mine.



dude he could not bullshit his way through an entire novel.i didnt say give her a sugary sweet review, i said it was a bit harsh especially for a mod and yes jay you may only be a media moderator but youre still a mod. i could care less if he had an opinion,my prob is that i found that he worded it a bit harshly.trevor you need to read and pay attention


There i just made you shut the H-E double hockey sticks up by pointing out you dont even pay attention to what you write...GOODNIGHT EVERYONE


Trevor (OP)

Posted 5/3/07
Mmm it's a bit confusing but i like your style
Posted 5/3/07
Okay, I'm going to be honest here. Your novel is turning out too be more of a play than a novel. You should cut back on the conversation. Also it seems very stilted, i.e the language doesn't flow well.

Anyways, I don't mean to be discouraging or anything. Keep up the hard work. The more you write the more chance you have of improving and finding your own writing style.
Posted 5/3/07

Snap wrote:

Well it's not the kind of story that I would normally read, but I'm glad to see that you can spell and use proper grammar, unlike most people. I'm also glad that you didn't just seem to pull this out of your butt and post it just for kicks, like all other stories in the forums.

I doubt this thread will stay up, but nice work. Keep at it.


well I agree with you...
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