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The Magic of the Ruby
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21 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 5/3/07

xidiya wrote:

Okay, I'm going to be honest here. Your novel is turning out too be more of a play than a novel. You should cut back on the conversation. Also it seems very stilted, i.e the language doesn't flow well.

Anyways, I don't mean to be discouraging or anything. Keep up the hard work. The more you write the more chance you have of improving and finding your own writing style.


1.
well, ya, I no it's more like play right now, but thats cause I wanted some chacater devepement(sp?) before I got down to business(learning magic ect. ect,) but I couldn't figure out how else.

2.
Thanks to the ppl defending me, but I put it online fully knowing that there would be shitheads(no one like that yet) and ppl that were blunt, so I was prepared(ya, at the beggining I was hoping for more good comments and, ya I was a little annoyed at first, but I realize I was asking a lot so...ya.... ) In any case, I'm not the most well liked in school anywayz so I'm used it(NOT going into details). Lets just say i short-circet a lot ...lol. When all is said and done I don't want debates.

3.
Yes, I know it's boring now, but i'm working on it, same with everything else
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Posted 5/3/07
I can't get a hold of the character's personalities... try to have more character depth
Posted 5/3/07
Your story seems to be causing some controversy.
Like it's been said, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Some people are more tactful about it, some people are blunt. I think it's up to the recipient to decide how she wants to tackle the criticisms. skygod333 - you're blowing MJ's criticisms out of proportion and please, learn to use the spacing button between punctuation? Might make your rants a little easier to read.

Also MewMewcherry01 - learn to defend your own work especially when it's something you've worked hard on. Just because people criticise it doesn't mean that their criticisms are justified. People will respect you and your work all the more for it, trust me.
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21 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 5/3/07

animoo_x wrote:

Your story seems to be causing some controversy.
Like it's been said, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Some people are more tactful about it, some people are blunt. I think it's up to the recipient to decide how she wants to tackle the criticisms. skygod333 - you're blowing MJ's criticisms out of proportion and please, learn to use the spacing button between punctuation? Might make your rants a little easier to read.

Also MewMewcherry01 - learn to defend your own work especially when it's something you've worked hard on. Just because people criticise it doesn't mean that their criticisms are justified. People will respect you and your work all the more for it, trust me.


And what if I agree?
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21 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 5/6/07
....I think this silence means some thing
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Posted 5/6/07
Yeh, it means ppl are trying to let this thread die.
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21 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 5/7/07

KuRRopT wrote:

Yeh, it means ppl are trying to let this thread die.


Not what I meant.........but quite possiably
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21 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 5/9/07
If anyone cares, I fixed and added some
Posted 5/9/07

MewMewcherry01 wrote:


animoo_x wrote:

Your story seems to be causing some controversy.
Like it's been said, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Some people are more tactful about it, some people are blunt. I think it's up to the recipient to decide how she wants to tackle the criticisms. skygod333 - you're blowing MJ's criticisms out of proportion and please, learn to use the spacing button between punctuation? Might make your rants a little easier to read.

Also MewMewcherry01 - learn to defend your own work especially when it's something you've worked hard on. Just because people criticise it doesn't mean that their criticisms are justified. People will respect you and your work all the more for it, trust me.


And what if I agree?


:) If you agree then obviously it's ok cos you will take their criticisms on board and learn from it. However if you disagree with what they are saying, you have to be able to protect your own work or else people will just think that you are unable to take basic constructive criticism, therefore demoting the value of your work.

*EDIT: Just started re-reading your story...Is it just me but does the sentence "I bet those boys in the club haven’t even come here!" not make sense.
Don't know if anyone else feels the same. I think there's a mix up in tenses there.

**EDIT: In the 12th line it's "You're" not "Your". Careful when it comes to those two words. Many people get them mixed up =]
Posted 5/9/07
This bit here -
“Oh,” he said, “well, than why are you sad?” she thought a minute, “Is it okay to tell him..............sure, why not?” So, she did, every last detail. When she finished he jumped up seemly uninterested in the mystery of it all.

1) It's "then" not "than". "Than" is when you're comparing something. It's probably just a spelling mistake.
2) "She thought a moment..." onwards should go on separate paragraph because it indicates introduction of her own thoughts and not the boy's dialogue.
3) Full stop after "moment", not comma.

Sorry I'm rather picky when it comes to spelling and grammar/punctuation.
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Posted 5/9/07
Hey, Mewmew, print out a copy of every thing you write and then mail it to yourself. It’s an almost 100% free way to get your story patterned so that it cant be plagiarized.
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21 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 5/10/07

animoo_x wrote:

This bit here -
“Oh,” he said, “well, than why are you sad?” she thought a minute, “Is it okay to tell him..............sure, why not?” So, she did, every last detail. When she finished he jumped up seemly uninterested in the mystery of it all.

1) It's "then" not "than". "Than" is when you're comparing something. It's probably just a spelling mistake.
2) "She thought a moment..." onwards should go on separate paragraph because it indicates introduction of her own thoughts and not the boy's dialogue.
3) Full stop after "moment", not comma.

Sorry I'm rather picky when it comes to spelling and grammar/punctuation.


I don't pay much attention to grammar stuff
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74 / M / Here
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Posted 6/15/07
Firstly, Why do you have go to the next line after every sentence.
Secondly, It seems like some far-fetched fantasy and what is the deal with the cave? Why were there initiation's to begin with? I don't understand some concepts in this story...


“Oh,” he said, “well, than why are you sad?” she thought a minute, “Is it okay to tell him..............sure, why not?” So, she did, every last detail. When she finished he jumped up seemly uninterested in the mystery of it all.


It should be "Well then why are you sad?" and also the part when you wrote "When she finished he jumped up seemingly uninterested in the mystery of it all", it doesn't seem right, what normally would come would be something like "When she finished he got up seemingly uninterested in the surrounding mystery".


before she could answer he added

Awkward Sentence Construction!!

There are a lot more grammatical/spelling mistakes I just don't want to name them all because there would be more than my head can process at this late in the night. You should try going more in depth in character personalities not too much but just enough to feel her pain or joys. Also try making something more on the "I have to find out whats happening", what you have written now just makes me not even care what's going to happen. I have to say that it is a good try though, remember Practice Makes Perfect and who knows maybe one day you might just get a story published.
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Posted 8/2/07
it sounds like it might be a good story if you develop your character's personality more and explain a few things and aside from that i think it's coming along fine. with a few improvements here and there it's going to be complete 100% well i don't know but I'll just leave it to the readers.
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23 / F / What? Your mom di...
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Posted 8/2/07
I think its good
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