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Sick Jokes!
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24 / M / Whispering Rock P...
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Posted 10/19/06
Why doesnt a woman need a wristwatch?

She has one on the oven
Jsu
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31 / M / Succesfully kille...
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Posted 10/19/06
^ That's a sick joke? If it is I don't get it.
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24 / M / Whispering Rock P...
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Posted 10/19/06
its sexist.
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35 / M / Probably on the p...
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Posted 10/19/06
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
-the sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
-the Holocaust

Two blondes are following some tracks. The first blonde says, "These are definitely deer tracks." The second blonde says, "No. These are definitely bear tracks." About that time the train hits them.

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
Jsu
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31 / M / Succesfully kille...
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Posted 10/19/06
^ Roflmao. on the cheney bush one.
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27 / M / Totse
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Posted 10/19/06
How do you make a six year old cry twice?





Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.

-NS
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27 / M
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Posted 10/19/06
2 shay.
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28 / M / Burbank
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Posted 10/20/06
2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
,the other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"
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28 / M / Burbank
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Posted 10/20/06
It's annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.
All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

"Whats up" asked Batman?

"Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!"

"Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman.

"Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"
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28 / M / Burbank
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Posted 10/20/06
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."
The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY."
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28 / M / Burbank
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Posted 10/20/06
A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path.
"Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem.

"Now I've had it!" She whinned. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"No, not anymore," she answered.

"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."
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28 / M / Burbank
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Posted 10/20/06
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
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28 / M / Burbank
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Posted 10/20/06
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he is doing alright. But after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to look more and more attractive -- soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. Hut every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finaily she is well enough to waik and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
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28 / M / Burbank
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Posted 10/20/06
There were these two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistaked him for John and stated, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat, said, "Hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her, she was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the damn middle!!!"

The old woman fainted.
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28 / M / Burbank
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Posted 10/20/06
For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female,faced each other in a city park,until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorically.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on it's head.
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