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Posted 1/3/09

farfalla_12 wrote:

Okay, here's mine.. hope you'll like it and comment. :]

Venomous Love

The last goodbye I heard from your touching kiss
It echoed with an agonizing hurt that stressed along my veins
Will I ever be able to love you again?
As the bliss of your eternal love left my heart?
I yearned for the happiness of being held again
With your arms along my wilting body
You were my shoulder day after day I slip into your embrace
Every time I see you pained, know that my everlasting love will never cease
I would stretch my burning soul for you, and grip it full of passion
I was intoxicated by your smiles, the one’s I was sure will left a mark
The dawn will break without you by my side
And night will appear breaking me into pieces
Please come back to me again my love
And bring the poisonous kiss I fell for


~


T.T Ah, the tragedy of love! It's a wonderful yet dark poem! ^^,
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Posted 1/3/09

PurpleSkye wrote:


sakuralockheart94 wrote:

i kinda made this a while ago and i've already used it as a chorus in one of my songs "When I Am" hope you like it i guess. really wanna know what people think of it



It's so sweet! >.< Lovely!


thanks
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Posted 1/3/09

sakuralockheart94 wrote:


PurpleSkye wrote:


sakuralockheart94 wrote:

i kinda made this a while ago and i've already used it as a chorus in one of my songs "When I Am" hope you like it i guess. really wanna know what people think of it



It's so sweet! >.< Lovely!


thanks


You're welcome!
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22 / F / in rose cottage
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Posted 1/4/09
hay thanx for likeing my first poem ^_^ hears my next one ^_^

~* Someone*~



pleas coment
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Posted 1/5/09

kito-atsukori wrote:

hay thanx for likeing my first poem ^_^ hears my next one ^_^

~* Someone*~



pleas coment


Oooh...I like this! Teehee. Touching! Watch out for your spelling of homonyms though. Your "sea" became "see"... And "someone is one word, BTW. In your poem you made it two. ^^, But other than that, it's nice! ^^,
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22 / F / in rose cottage
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Posted 1/5/09


thanx for the advics ill wwork on it okay? ^_^
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Posted 1/6/09

kito-atsukori wrote:



thanx for the advics ill wwork on it okay? ^_^


You're welcome! I'm looking forward to more of your poems! ^^,
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Posted 1/6/09
You Were Here With Me

I'm always bored
I stop and think
Always thinking is what I do
I'm looking out wondering


How are you doing?
Is everything ok over there?
Are you thinking about me?
Are you missing me?


I guess you already know
I'm thinking a lot
Missing you a lot
Writing songs about you all the time
Listening to music everyday because of you
Dreaming of you every night


I can't help thinking
When's the next I'll be talking to you?
When's the next time I won't be talking to you?
When's the next time I'll be crying over you?


I'm always saying I'm stupid
But you don't think that
A lot of people don't
Wonder why


A lot of people here
They say I'm ugly
I know that
But you don't


Maybe you're blind
I don't know
Maybe that's what you really think
I still don't know
Maybe... you just really like me
I'm too blind to see that


I guess... I need you way more than you need me
It's hard when you know you're so far away
Maybe I might cry less and be more happier
If only you were here with me


Rate and Comment this i guess, i don't know, i really wanna know what people think of this
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Posted 1/6/09 , edited 1/6/09
okay thes are my lattest poems hope you like them ^_^




~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chief Editor
Kohou 
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Posted 2/1/09
Apologies in advance. My tone may be light, but I do not mean any offense by it.

kito-atsukori wrote:



Right, first off, your spelling needs a bit of work. I believe you meant to say "spinning through my head" not "spinning throw my head". Likewise, a hart is a rabbit, and while following a hart is an excellent way to find Wonderland, following your heart is more likely to be what people tell you.
Next, it's really hard to have a rhyming poem in free verse. If you plan to have rhyme, you really want some sort of metric to it. For instance, your first stanza is: 4 syllables, 5 syllables, 10 syllables, 10 syllables.
Personally, I think the form you should work for here would be trying to get it a little closer to the 2nd stanza, with an 8-6-8 syllable length, and an end rhyme on the first and third lines. You'll need a "that" in the last line of the second stanza to bring the iambs in line, but otherwise, that verse is 8-6-8. Sort of a modified hymn form, if you will. (Make it so you can sing it to "Amazing Grace".) Alternately, if you like the 3 line, 3 line, 3 line, 4 line format, try looking into a villanelle. They're very challenging, but worth the effort.
As far as the meaning behind the poem, I like the first half, and the third stanza adds an interesting (and to me, humorous) twist to the piece. The fourth stanza just feels much too cliched. And the last two lines make absolutely no sense to me, in the context of the rest of it.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Ahh... all your pieces, so inconsistent! Why?
The first half has a lovely attempt-denial, attempt-denial setup. Then your last half sounds so pleady. These could almost be two separate poems. One about lost love, the other a series of queries.
The 6th line of the poem "Why do I always advert your gave" doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. Advert means "tell about" and gave means "have given" So "Why do I always tell people about what you've given me?"



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Again, spelling. Engraved is the word I think you want, as "in grave" is where bodies are, while "engraved" means "carved upon something" Even then, though "And of the loss and memories engraved" (or in graves) while it sounds nice, is actually a meaningless phrase.
Once again, your rhythm seems off. For instance, the second stanza is 10 - 8 - 8 -7, while the third is 8-6-7-9.
Again, you gain an extra line in the final stanza, materializing from nowhere.


Really, the biggest thing I'd like you to try doing is reading some of your poems aloud. See how they sound to your ear. If they sound rough, things need to be tweaked. If they sound smooth, don't toy with it. You have potential, but your specific skills need toning. Practice for a week doing nothing but blank verse. No rhymes, every line has to be 8 syllables (or 7 or whatever). Do some more looking into forms. And if you're doing free verse (in which syllable count doesn't matter) then avoiding rhyme is key.

The first poem, I really liked, though again, it felt like two poems in one (the first 2 stanzas, and the last 3 stanzas. The other poem, I really disliked, but breaking it down in an easy-to-understand way is too challenging for me today.
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Posted 2/1/09
It's a little long.
I wrote it a few months a go... because I felt like writing it. [:
Oh &&it's called A Memory
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Kohou 
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Posted 2/1/09

sakuralockheart94 wrote:

You Were Here With Me

I'm always bored
I stop and think
Always thinking is what I do
I'm looking out wondering


How are you doing?
Is everything ok over there?
Are you thinking about me?
Are you missing me?


I guess you already know
I'm thinking a lot
Missing you a lot
Writing songs about you all the time
Listening to music everyday because of you
Dreaming of you every night


I can't help thinking
When's the next I'll be talking to you?
When's the next time I won't be talking to you?
When's the next time I'll be crying over you?


I'm always saying I'm stupid
But you don't think that
A lot of people don't
Wonder why


A lot of people here
They say I'm ugly
I know that
But you don't


Maybe you're blind
I don't know
Maybe that's what you really think
I still don't know
Maybe... you just really like me
I'm too blind to see that


I guess... I need you way more than you need me
It's hard when you know you're so far away
Maybe I might cry less and be more happier
If only you were here with me


Rate and Comment this i guess, i don't know, i really wanna know what people think of this


Hmmm... it's not really my cup of tea. But it's solid in most places. The fifth and sixth stanzas are so directly opposite each other that in my mind they detract from each other. I think the sixth is a nice touching statement, while the fifth just sounds like idle speculation in the midst of a love poem. Overall, it's solid, though.

7/10
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Posted 2/1/09

Kohou wrote:


sakuralockheart94 wrote:

You Were Here With Me

I'm always bored
I stop and think
Always thinking is what I do
I'm looking out wondering


How are you doing?
Is everything ok over there?
Are you thinking about me?
Are you missing me?


I guess you already know
I'm thinking a lot
Missing you a lot
Writing songs about you all the time
Listening to music everyday because of you
Dreaming of you every night


I can't help thinking
When's the next I'll be talking to you?
When's the next time I won't be talking to you?
When's the next time I'll be crying over you?


I'm always saying I'm stupid
But you don't think that
A lot of people don't
Wonder why


A lot of people here
They say I'm ugly
I know that
But you don't


Maybe you're blind
I don't know
Maybe that's what you really think
I still don't know
Maybe... you just really like me
I'm too blind to see that


I guess... I need you way more than you need me
It's hard when you know you're so far away
Maybe I might cry less and be more happier
If only you were here with me


Rate and Comment this i guess, i don't know, i really wanna know what people think of this


Hmmm... it's not really my cup of tea. But it's solid in most places. The fifth and sixth stanzas are so directly opposite each other that in my mind they detract from each other. I think the sixth is a nice touching statement, while the fifth just sounds like idle speculation in the midst of a love poem. Overall, it's solid, though.

7/10


haha thanks for telling me what you think, making lyrics and poems are kinda hard for me i guess
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Kohou 
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Posted 2/1/09
Hmm... Suppose I ought to throw out a couple of my own...

Magic


Haul:

Finally complete after a number of years working on it.
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Posted 2/3/09



I know I'm not the one you addressed this to, but I really think you should be an editor or a critic for this group. You're very thorough and somehow I like it (the perfectionist side of me, at least). ^^,

Just a little correction though, when you said "hart" is a rabbit, I believe it was just a typographical error and she really meant "heart". And "hart" is not the rabbit, it's actually "hare". And your comment on the part in the 2nd poem, the line "Why do I always advert your gave", I think (my speculations only, however), she meant "Why do I always avert your gaze"...It makes sense if you put it that way but yeah, it's the wording that was wrong.

I really think you should be an officer. ^^, I hope you will consider.
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