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poem tell me what you think plz
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33 / M / san antonio
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Posted 12/8/08
pain my beautiful mistress
how i have missed the
as the wound sprouts forth
the hounds lap at the lifeblood
you come back to me
how well i know your face
how well i know your touch
i do not fear thee,
nor do i turn away,
i embrace thee as my kin and welcome you
for when i do not feel pain anylonger
then i shall cower in fear for i have lost
ihave lost that which make
22304 cr points
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33 / M / san antonio
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Posted 12/8/08
pain my beautiful mistress
how i have missed the
as the wound sprouts forth
the hounds lap at the lifeblood
you come back to me
how well i know your face
how well i know your touch
i do not fear thee,
nor do i turn away,
i embrace thee as my kin and welcome you
for when i do not feel pain anylonger
th
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33 / M / san antonio
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Posted 12/8/08

then i shall cower in fear for i have lost
ihave lost that which makes me human.
pity not this wretch,
nay show pity on those who may be hurt from the lashings out of the striken.
i welcome thee into my heart for i know u will make me stronger.
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26 / F
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Posted 12/8/08
it's kind of emo.
and reminds me of emiliy dickenson poetry.
which was also immensely emo..
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31 / F / Kumamoto, Japan
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Posted 12/8/08
There is not a lot of images within the poem. The diction seems a little forced as well and there isn't much there for flow. There is also some typos that I think you need to correct. It's always a good idea to submit a polished poem for people to look at and give feedback on.

I don't know why you posted three times, but I'll just comment on the first poem you posted.

pain my beautiful mistress
how i have missed thee
as the wound sprouts forth
the hounds lap at the lifeblood (What sort of hounds are we talking about? I don't really know where I am in this poem)
you come back to me
how well i know your face (What's it look like? No clear image here--very vague)
how well i know your touch (What's it feel like? It's very vague.)
i do not fear thee,
nor do i turn away,
i embrace thee as my kin and welcome you
for when i do not feel pain any longer (You say in the beginning "O how I've missed thee" when it comes to pain in the opening of the poem, yet here you state, "When I don't feel pain any longer" as though this entire time you've been feeling pain--it feels like a contradiction.)
then i shall cower in fear for i have lost
i have lost that which make (make what?)
then i shall cower in fear for i have lost
i have lost that which makes me human. (what is it which makes you human? Is it fear? Show me instead of telling me)
pity not this wretch,
nay show pity on those who may be hurt from the lashings out of the striken. ("Lashings out of the stricken"? But you talk about in this poem how you are wounded and in pain, yet you do not want pity though you are in pain? Eh...)
i welcome thee into my heart for i know u will make me stronger. (Pain will make you stronger? How? SHOW me. Don't tell me.)

I agree with Rain in where she thinks this poem is a little emo. I agree. It was also hard to follow due to the language you chose to use. No, not the old English that was confusing, it was the way you chose to write it. You also tell throughout your entire poem and I think I want to be shown more of what you're saying instead of being told about it. Give me images. You should learn from Brian Turner in his poem "Here, Bullet":

Here, Bullet
If a body is what you want,
then here is bone and gristle and flesh.
Here is the clavicle-snapped wish,
the aorta’s opened valves, the leap
thought makes at the synaptic gap.
Here is the adrenaline rush you crave,
that inexorable flight, that insane puncture
into heat and blood. And I dare you to finish
what you’ve started. Because here, Bullet,
here is where I complete the word you bring
hissing through the air, here is where I moan
the barrel’s cold esophagus, triggering
my tongue’s explosives for the rifling I have
inside of me, each twist of the round
spun deeper, because here, Bullet,
here is where the world ends, every time.


He is showing instead of telling. Now you don't have to have one huge image for your poem, but think of each image as a place to where you're holding a camera--where you want us to look and focus in on. Your poem had the "camera" all over the place. I didn't know where I was or what you were really speaking about other than just "pain". But you also brought lots of new ideas such as "that which makes you human," but you do not show me what that is.

I wish you good luck in your writings. This English major is outty!
Posted 12/9/08
Um, you don't have to make three posts for that poem of yours. I can't say I like it, but if you wrote that, um, good effort you've made.
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24 / F / The Leaf Village
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Posted 12/9/08
hmm its good, if your into that dark cryptic thing like me~~

lol uhm it's really good in my opinion..

author?
Posted 12/9/08
.....you should of have made a blog....
Posted 12/9/08
This is why pages exist.
kerensa's post is knowledgeable.
Anyway I do agree that this is kinda emo.
Practice moar. I need to get to practicing too.
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28 / F / beaverditch
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Posted 12/9/08
it's too empty. i agree with kerensa that it feels too forced, like you're trying to make it deep and angsty, and it's not working... it feels like an emo teenager wrote this. work on spelling, especially using "you" instead of "u;" it really defeats the feelings you're trying to get across when people use netspeak when writing something serious.
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25 / M
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Posted 12/9/08

aytchmadden wrote:

pain my beautiful mistress
how i have missed the
as the wound sprouts forth
the hounds lap at the lifeblood
you come back to me
how well i know your face
how well i know your touch
i do not fear thee,
nor do i turn away,
i embrace thee as my kin and welcome you
for when i do not feel pain anylonger
then i shall cower in fear for i have lost
ihave lost that which make





aytchmadden wrote:

pain my beautiful mistress
how i have missed the
as the wound sprouts forth
the hounds lap at the lifeblood
you come back to me
how well i know your face
how well i know your touch
i do not fear thee,
nor do i turn away,
i embrace thee as my kin and welcome you
for when i do not feel pain anylonger
th





aytchmadden wrote:


then i shall cower in fear for i have lost
ihave lost that which makes me human.
pity not this wretch,
nay show pity on those who may be hurt from the lashings out of the striken.
i welcome thee into my heart for i know u will make me stronger.


in my honest opinion, your poem sucks, first off its MUCH too dark, second of all, honestly, you're talking about pain, blood, its definitely gonna be a popular or even good topic. third of all, 2 of those paragraphs are the same which seems to me like a waste. and finally, theres nothing about it that makes it catchy, no rhyming, etc

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27 / Norway
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Posted 12/9/08
1. No personal threads
2. Duplicate - there are poem threads
3. You can use polls for this
4. Don't post the poll here, use the poll section - please
5. No double post
6. No triple post
7. Edit is your love and you know it.
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28 / F / beaverditch
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Posted 12/9/08

Drkcloud wrote:



in my honest opinion, your poem sucks, first off its MUCH too dark, second of all, honestly, you're talking about pain, blood, its definitely gonna be a popular or even good topic. third of all, 2 of those paragraphs are the same which seems to me like a waste. and finally, theres nothing about it that makes it catchy, no rhyming, etc



poems don't have to rhyme... there are loads of good poems that don't rhyme.
Posted 12/9/08
hmmmm its good....i like it very emo though gotta say...

also have to say that this is a personal thread...just like next time put this in your profile under pages and like yeah....but its good
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25 / M
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Posted 12/9/08

ichbinfroh wrote:


Drkcloud wrote:



in my honest opinion, your poem sucks, first off its MUCH too dark, second of all, honestly, you're talking about pain, blood, its definitely gonna be a popular or even good topic. third of all, 2 of those paragraphs are the same which seems to me like a waste. and finally, theres nothing about it that makes it catchy, no rhyming, etc



poems don't have to rhyme... there are loads of good poems that don't rhyme.

well, its just one of the few reasons, its definitely not the main one, but theres nothing catchy or entertaining about it, ofc, there are many poems like this format but there's nothing about that poem that makes it symbolic or significant
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