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Help Revise Essay plz? ;D im 14 years old be nice :O
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27 / M / sacramento
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Posted 12/17/08

lamluong wrote:


checkmate25 wrote:

um... you need to revise your introduction, its not that its bad, but always your intruduction gotta be catchy and powerful. well thats if you want to survive in my 11th grade teacher. honestly you would get a B+ grade to A-, but since your in 9th grade or atleast i presume you are, u guys grade on format alot. anyway gud luck



thnx that helped i know its a weak intro but i dont have time :O and im tired good enough for a 7 hour essay -_- Lols


its fine you did a good job, hope u get the effort you put in:)
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26 / M / ORANGE COUNTY Cal...
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Posted 12/17/08

evyss wrote:



there's it, happy? :)

anyways, that's doing your homework :S, but since im bored....
im 12 n_n, treat me much nicer.

PS
forgot something, you should add a concluding sentence... it would be nice to add about how it affected the beginning of the global warming... since the topic is about the effect of the industrialization...

have a nice day


very helpful thnx but im not gonna add anything about global warming since it is ... the 1800s Lols they didnt know anytinga bout global warming oh wel ;D hope i get a B i have a C+ in history dam honours english teacher so hard T_T

Posted 12/17/08

lamluong wrote:


evyss wrote:



there's it, happy? :)

anyways, that's doing your homework :S, but since im bored....
im 12 n_n, treat me much nicer.

PS
forgot something, you should add a concluding sentence... it would be nice to add about how it affected the beginning of the global warming... since the topic is about the effect of the industrialization...

have a nice day


very helpful thnx but im not gonna add anything about global warming since it is ... the 1800s Lols they didnt know anytinga bout global warming oh wel ;D hope i get a B i have a C+ in history dam honours english teacher so hard T_T



what are those industrial, and corrick with a number next to it? if they're are part of the bibliography, then you'll get for sure a C- , it makes the reader think... WTH is that? so will do your teacher.
7212 cr points
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26 / M / ORANGE COUNTY Cal...
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Posted 12/17/08

evyss wrote:


lamluong wrote:


evyss wrote:



there's it, happy? :)

anyways, that's doing your homework :S, but since im bored....
im 12 n_n, treat me much nicer.

PS
forgot something, you should add a concluding sentence... it would be nice to add about how it affected the beginning of the global warming... since the topic is about the effect of the industrialization...

have a nice day


very helpful thnx but im not gonna add anything about global warming since it is ... the 1800s Lols they didnt know anytinga bout global warming oh wel ;D hope i get a B i have a C+ in history dam honours english teacher so hard T_T



what are those industrial, and corrick with a number next to it? if they're are part of the bibliography, then you'll get for sure a C- , it makes the reader think... WTH is that? so will do your teacher.



Lol we HAVE TO DO THAT the teacher says. its a citation of where i got the information if not its plagerism =p
Posted 12/17/08

lamluong wrote:


evyss wrote:


lamluong wrote:


evyss wrote:



there's it, happy? :)

anyways, that's doing your homework :S, but since im bored....
im 12 n_n, treat me much nicer.

PS
forgot something, you should add a concluding sentence... it would be nice to add about how it affected the beginning of the global warming... since the topic is about the effect of the industrialization...

have a nice day


very helpful thnx but im not gonna add anything about global warming since it is ... the 1800s Lols they didnt know anytinga bout global warming oh wel ;D hope i get a B i have a C+ in history dam honours english teacher so hard T_T



what are those industrial, and corrick with a number next to it? if they're are part of the bibliography, then you'll get for sure a C- , it makes the reader think... WTH is that? so will do your teacher.



Lol we HAVE TO DO THAT the teacher says. its a citation of where i got the information if not its plagerism =p


Tell her she is crazy... there's something called Bibliography, were you write on were you obtainedd the information and etc... you put it at the end of the essay... but well my teacher would definetly kill me of i do that XD
7212 cr points
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26 / M / ORANGE COUNTY Cal...
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Posted 12/17/08

evyss wrote:


lamluong wrote:


evyss wrote:


lamluong wrote:


evyss wrote:



there's it, happy? :)

anyways, that's doing your homework :S, but since im bored....
im 12 n_n, treat me much nicer.

PS
forgot something, you should add a concluding sentence... it would be nice to add about how it affected the beginning of the global warming... since the topic is about the effect of the industrialization...

have a nice day


very helpful thnx but im not gonna add anything about global warming since it is ... the 1800s Lols they didnt know anytinga bout global warming oh wel ;D hope i get a B i have a C+ in history dam honours english teacher so hard T_T



what are those industrial, and corrick with a number next to it? if they're are part of the bibliography, then you'll get for sure a C- , it makes the reader think... WTH is that? so will do your teacher.



Lol we HAVE TO DO THAT the teacher says. its a citation of where i got the information if not its plagerism =p


Tell her she is crazy... there's something called Bibliography, were you write on were you obtainedd the information and etc... you put it at the end of the essay... but well my teacher would definetly kill me of i do that XD


Lol and i got a work cited page and source cards and note cards -_- u HAVE to do taht then u put all in a manila envelope and turn in :O (put everything u used including outlines and stuffies)

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22 / F / Planet Earth
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Posted 12/18/08
Maybe you can add an anecdote or quote to the intro. And also, DON'T LIST. Listing BAD. VERY VERY BAD. You want a straight forward thesis, but when you list, it just messy.

[Anecdote? Quote?] The industrial Revolution was a time where many great things were invented.

The effects of industrialization helped define the Victorian Period as a time of great change, by

improving the economy and transportation through the addition of new jobs, inventions, and advancement

of transportation. <-- Right here, you could say, "During this time..............then say what was invented or something." ...........*falls asleep*

Sorry......I'd help you more...but I have MORE finals tomorrow....and wow. i should be sleeping. >.< studying is a painnnnnnnnnnn.......
16324 cr points
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27 / M / Bangalore,India
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Posted 12/18/08
Bullet points are cruise control for straight A's. Teachers love bullet points.
Posted 12/18/08
lol this thread is weird.. not in a bad way..
and the cr is helping..
anyway, good job..
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Malaysia the land...
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Posted 12/18/08
Where is the conclusion? Anyways good essay
5453 cr points
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39 / F / sky x]
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Posted 12/18/08
hohoho~! i'm too young so be nicer. xD
Posted 12/18/08
WOAH...that's some scary shit...already the second thread that seems to be a bit..off.


anyway, not to be mean, but i think i'd fall asleep when someone would read this essay...it lacks "powerful" words that awaken the listener's attention.

and then there are some grammatical mistakes at the very beginning, however i've got the feeling that you ripped the part after that off from some source...
Posted 12/18/08
Sorry but no personal threads allowed

~locked
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