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Post Reply "Bomb it Down" by Rezzy64
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Posted 12/29/08 , edited 9/25/10
Okay... so I felt like writing an anime story also cause I came up with some ideas for characters and a slightly interesting story. Now all of this is not been written down before and I'll probably be making it up as I go along. I was kind of inspired by video games and some other anime shows, so some ideas might be related to stuff like that and if you point it out I'll explain whether that is true or not (example: I've got some ideas from Fallout 3 -_-". Don't judge cause it's an awesome game lol...). Okeedokee, I just wanted to make that stuff clear, also at times the format of how I explain the story might be weird, I'll try to point it out and explain the state of mind you should understand it as. Oh one more thing, this show is supposed to be like a Japanese anime... but... I don't know all the cultural references, so it's very western-ish... if that's what you would call it. So other from that enjoy it!

Bomb it Down, Episode 1.




Edit: 01/08/09
Okay So here's the deal. It's obvious that my episode one had quite a few problems here and there. The biggest ones were obviously, the story was too short, the story was under developed, and the format for all the writing sucked.
So here's what I'm going to do. This next part that I am writing is simply a part two of episode one. I wanna get out more information that I realized I should have added before. So I'm gonna do it here in the same post. I also got another tab up on my window with a different script, so that I can double check my writing format, in case I screw up and need it for reference. Oh and I also got a title for the first episode now! Okay so here I go! Oh also just in case anybody isn't sure, when the words are italicized that means that the character is thinking. Okay! On forth to the show/script thing!

Bomb it Down Episode 1 (Part2) "Trying Happiness"



Copyright 2008, Michael Reznick
All rights reserved.
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Posted 12/29/08
I just read through it and realized how short it is... -_-". I don't know I think I might rewrite it or something cause it's a little too short and moves too fast...
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Posted 12/31/08

Rezzy64 wrote:



I have no large judgments to make on this story at the moment. I will decide on how I feel about it after additional chapters. I do have a lot of small things to point out though.

The setting, of course, is very important. It is not yet clear exactly where they are. One thing is for sure, it has no sky. They're almost definitely underground (to escape nukes?)

The year is not stated either. Technology is good enough to have mirrors that double as voice activated computers and giant fake skies.

By the way, when Ella "lands" on Nick, is she literally flying, or is she just jumping on him?

Keep in mind that if you want to make this story into an actual anime, Nick's lips will not be readable in his dream, because it is after all, animation, not live action. In text, of course, the opening scene works fine.

The most important thing that I recommend fixing immediately is the formatting. As painful as it is, you have to indent each line of speech separately if you want to make it readable. You should also make it clear who is speaking at any given time, because you tend to stop doing that when the conversations become long. Unfortunately, that is exactly when it becomes confusing for the reader.

I am going to assume this is a mecha story (because of that "Exoskeleton" I heard about) This makes your story the first mecha story on the group. Good job.
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Posted 12/31/08

The_8th_Sin wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:



I have no large judgments to make on this story at the moment. I will decide on how I feel about it after additional chapters. I do have a lot of small things to point out though.

The setting, of course, is very important. It is not yet clear exactly where they are. One thing is for sure, it has no sky. They're almost definitely underground (to escape nukes?)

The year is not stated either. Technology is good enough to have mirrors that double as voice activated computers and giant fake skies.

By the way, when Ella "lands" on Nick, is she literally flying, or is she just jumping on him?

Keep in mind that if you want to make this story into an actual anime, Nick's lips will not be readable in his dream, because it is after all, animation, not live action. In text, of course, the opening scene works fine.

The most important thing that I recommend fixing immediately is the formatting. As painful as it is, you have to indent each line of speech separately if you want to make it readable. You should also make it clear who is speaking at any given time, because you tend to stop doing that when the conversations become long. Unfortunately, that is exactly when it becomes confusing for the reader.

I am going to assume this is a mecha story (because of that "Exoskeleton" I heard about) This makes your story the first mecha story on the group. Good job.


Yeah the whole reading lips thing in the dream, in my head how I saw it play out was there would be text that would pop up when he would say a word, the text was supposed to be in big sloppy letters possibly the animation for the text would even be in rough sketch to give it a feeling of sloppy movement, just to make it a bit more chilling, I didn't say all that when I wrote out the sequence but that was the Idea I had in mind.

Yes you figured out the whole underground thing very quickly, it is a fallout shelter after all. I wanted to give off a feeling that people should feel secure in their environment, and yet some are still depressed by the fact that the know it's fake.

I also gave a point of confusion on what year it is on purpose, I did that because it plays with the idea of, does anybody really care what year it is and if they know will it matter? I promise the year will be stated eventually when it's appropriate.

lol No there are no rocket boots, Ella being one of my few hyperactive characters jumps and lands on Nick, knocking hm down to the ground, I feel that with all the depression and deep characters I'm trying to set up, one of them should be light and happy.

Yes I promise to fix the whole speech thing in the next episode, and I'm very appreciative to have it pointed out to me, I'm not used to writing in that sort of format, so I promise to try harder thank you.

O_O Really? I'm the first person to write a Mech Anime on here? Um... Thank you, I hope I don't screw up while setting the standard then. So I'll try my best to make my story as enjoyable as possible.

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism I will do everything I can to use it to improve my story.
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Posted 12/31/08

Rezzy64 wrote:

O_O Really? I'm the first person to write a Mech Anime on here? Um... Thank you, I hope I don't screw up while setting the standard then. So I'll try my best to make my story as enjoyable as possible.



Actually, I have one of my own that I just started writing this morning. I don't know if I'm going to pursue it actively at the moment, but it's always a possiblility.
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Posted 1/1/09
Ha ha that's cool well if it works out let me know and I'll check it out.
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Posted 1/2/09
Gaelan was here
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Posted 1/2/09

gaelanisdabomb wrote:

Gaelan was here


OMG HI GAELAN!!!!!! So you finally decided to join up on crunchy roll huh?
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Posted 1/2/09
yeah hahahaha!
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that was a bit too short. only good for about ten minutes at most. :D
this looks like another technologically-driven, post-apocalypse-setting anime. i can imagine it playing in my head.
ok, first off, too many flashbacks. you start with a flashback, and then, a few moments later, comes another flashback. it sets off the pace of the story. it would be better to not disclose ella's backstory this early as well; leave it for some of the backstory episodes. another good reason to not do that is because you want to introduce your main character more - have him do more stuff, talk to more people, and the like.
hrmm. the time setting feels weird. it feels like the world was devastated only around a decade or two ago, and yet there is already a highly advanced biological shelter for use (complete with a holographic sky). please do shed light on the subject. aside from this, i will not badger you about the plot, at least until you get some more episodes up for perusing.
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i actually like it. its pretty good. its going somewhere and it seems that all these things mean something. if this was a tv show id probably watch it.
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atelier7 wrote:

that was a bit too short. only good for about ten minutes at most. :D
this looks like another technologically-driven, post-apocalypse-setting anime. i can imagine it playing in my head.
ok, first off, too many flashbacks. you start with a flashback, and then, a few moments later, comes another flashback. it sets off the pace of the story. it would be better to not disclose ella's backstory this early as well; leave it for some of the backstory episodes. another good reason to not do that is because you want to introduce your main character more - have him do more stuff, talk to more people, and the like.
hrmm. the time setting feels weird. it feels like the world was devastated only around a decade or two ago, and yet there is already a highly advanced biological shelter for use (complete with a holographic sky). please do shed light on the subject. aside from this, i will not badger you about the plot, at least until you get some more episodes up for perusing.


... um okay. Yes the first comment I posted was saying how I realized that it was short and I plan to make up for it by making an episode 1 part 2, so I hope that would please everybody and will make me feel a bit better about it.

Okay, not trying to be rude here but I don't think there is anything wrong with having two flash backs in one episode in fact (as far as I'm convinced) it develops the character just as well if he was in the present and interacting with other people. Now I do agree, I need to work on his conversations and group interaction, so give me the chance to work on it a bit, mind you this whole story was spontaneous and all came directly from my head to the keyboard with not a whole lot of previous planning, but I will work harder on it.

Okay also notice I have not said what year it is at all, so people could have been living in peace in 2020 and then this whole holocaust happened. So just have some patience and I'll get there when I feel it's appropriate for the story okay.

Once again thank you for all the criticism I deeply appreciate it even if it's kind of negative thank you very much!
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Posted 1/3/09

Rezzy64 wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

that was a bit too short. only good for about ten minutes at most. :D
this looks like another technologically-driven, post-apocalypse-setting anime. i can imagine it playing in my head.
ok, first off, too many flashbacks. you start with a flashback, and then, a few moments later, comes another flashback. it sets off the pace of the story. it would be better to not disclose ella's backstory this early as well; leave it for some of the backstory episodes. another good reason to not do that is because you want to introduce your main character more - have him do more stuff, talk to more people, and the like.
hrmm. the time setting feels weird. it feels like the world was devastated only around a decade or two ago, and yet there is already a highly advanced biological shelter for use (complete with a holographic sky). please do shed light on the subject. aside from this, i will not badger you about the plot, at least until you get some more episodes up for perusing.


... um okay. Yes the first comment I posted was saying how I realized that it was short and I plan to make up for it by making an episode 1 part 2, so I hope that would please everybody and will make me feel a bit better about it.

Okay, not trying to be rude here but I don't think there is anything wrong with having two flash backs in one episode in fact (as far as I'm convinced) it develops the character just as well if he was in the present and interacting with other people. Now I do agree, I need to work on his conversations and group interaction, so give me the chance to work on it a bit, mind you this whole story was spontaneous and all came directly from my head to the keyboard with not a whole lot of previous planning, but I will work harder on it.

Okay also notice I have not said what year it is at all, so people could have been living in peace in 2020 and then this whole holocaust happened. So just have some patience and I'll get there when I feel it's appropriate for the story okay.

Once again thank you for all the criticism I deeply appreciate it even if it's kind of negative thank you very much! :D


yeah, i kinda figured that time setting bit out around half an hour after i commented... eh, ok, i'll keep my mouth shut for the moment.
it's not the number of flashbacks, it's how they were put in. i felt like you shoved that girl's story to my face. this might not be the case in anime-format, but it's weird for stories. try to slip it in more casually.
of course i'd be negative. would you improve as much if i mollycoddled your work? :))

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So far... its k, just basicly pointing out the same as 8th.
Though it was a lil toching for me, ...bombs... somewhat of a bad taboo topic for me.
Lol, I did enjoyed the touch of ecchi u add to it, very cute.
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man, i will tell you right now, it sounds interesting. I just have one tip, ok, maybe 2. One, i didnt see it to often, might have only been once, but u switched tenses on us. it was in the first episode somewhere, sorry but to lazy to find it, lol. and another, i just ask of u not to follow in the footsteps of all the other mech mangas/animes. Not saying that u are in danger of doing so or anything, but yeah, those are my only two critical things. But very good, you got me very interested. going to read the second part now.
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