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Post Reply "Bomb it Down" by Rezzy64
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23 / M / Above Wherever I...
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Posted 1/19/09
Start of Part 2:
Nick looks up at the sky and as he focuses on it you can see a flaw in the sky which makes it obvious that it's really a projected image from a computer.
Nick looks up, but "you" can see. Inconsistency.

13th Block of Part 2:
"Nick! Wheres our parents! We've waited for hours!" You can see a young may looking very frightened in an empty room standing next to Nick.
may needs to be capitalized.

in general All the girls cuss. I don't have a thing against cussing, but if you have one person who is polite, it makes the characters more distinguishable. Also, when that person DOES cuss, it will seem like a bigger deal.

Below the 13th Block of Part 2, mebe block 15?:
"I'm... uh... sorry... I forgot to tell you I... uh sleep walk." Ninamo looks real Embarrassed.
Embarrassed needs to be lower case, prolly.

in general
After reading episode 1, I have to say, it is REALLY compelling. The overall correct grammar is a relief, though the formatting is annoying. I prefer huge spaces between every paragraph...it's easier on my (ever so old) eyes.

The plot is wonderful, though leaning a bit on predictable harem. The quasi-mysterious setting, the bland and blank main character, potential for depression as well as humor, it's all been prepared nicely, like a sushi platter. (THAT awkward comment was meant as a compliment)

Character development is going on nicely, though it is not as fulfilling as I would like normally. I understand that you can't really develop the characters at this point anyway, but again, all girls cuss and get pissed easily, and the main character is...slack. Just slack. I hope you'll differentiate the girls more, and have the main character CARE about something eventually.

Flashbacks are done very smoothly and each one serves a purpose.

Your avatar makes me upset-?1111?!????? wtf that has to do with anything, I dunno.

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25 / M / California
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Posted 1/20/09

Jojiro wrote:

Start of Part 2:
Nick looks up at the sky and as he focuses on it you can see a flaw in the sky which makes it obvious that it's really a projected image from a computer.
Nick looks up, but "you" can see. Inconsistency.

13th Block of Part 2:
"Nick! Wheres our parents! We've waited for hours!" You can see a young may looking very frightened in an empty room standing next to Nick.
may needs to be capitalized.

in general All the girls cuss. I don't have a thing against cussing, but if you have one person who is polite, it makes the characters more distinguishable. Also, when that person DOES cuss, it will seem like a bigger deal.

Below the 13th Block of Part 2, mebe block 15?:
"I'm... uh... sorry... I forgot to tell you I... uh sleep walk." Ninamo looks real Embarrassed.
Embarrassed needs to be lower case, prolly.

in general
After reading episode 1, I have to say, it is REALLY compelling. The overall correct grammar is a relief, though the formatting is annoying. I prefer huge spaces between every paragraph...it's easier on my (ever so old) eyes.

The plot is wonderful, though leaning a bit on predictable harem. The quasi-mysterious setting, the bland and blank main character, potential for depression as well as humor, it's all been prepared nicely, like a sushi platter. (THAT awkward comment was meant as a compliment)

Character development is going on nicely, though it is not as fulfilling as I would like normally. I understand that you can't really develop the characters at this point anyway, but again, all girls cuss and get pissed easily, and the main character is...slack. Just slack. I hope you'll differentiate the girls more, and have the main character CARE about something eventually.

Flashbacks are done very smoothly and each one serves a purpose.

Your avatar makes me upset-?1111?!????? wtf that has to do with anything, I dunno.



Ha ha thanks for the criticism, It's nice to hear some of the things you said about it, cause some of the things you pointed out that you liked, I actually worked pretty hard on.

I have mentioned before that I have a small capitalization problem. It's mostly capitalizing words that should not be capitalized, but accidentally not capitalizing May's name was a small mistake that I normally do not make on a regular basis.

Uh... What's wrong with my Avatar? ...I like my Avatar...
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